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Author Topic: I want to die.  (Read 61464 times)

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Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,965
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #50 on: February 19, 2010, 03:30:19 PM »
In regards to the mortgage -- as someone who was foreclosed on -- I can tell you that the process - at least here in Florida - took about a year.  In that time, I was able to reorganize my finances and when the bank tried to come back and do a modification (which was actually going to end up costing me more money then the place was worth), I was able to move with no hassles.  Of course, if you can avoid foreclosure and get some type of forbearance agreement/modification plan with your lender that is acceptable, that would be the way to go.  A few years ago I was very down and out and did not see a future or a tomorrow, but with time things passed and everything worked out.  At the time, I went on an antidepressant for 30 days - just long enough to come out of the severe funk and get over the hump....  stick with it -- only focus on today's problems today.  I learned that also....  Also, back during the whole foreclosure deal, I had my vehicle repo'd -- but I took the bus for a few months until I could buy a car off the lot.  I also had my relationship end at the same time and filed for bankruptcy - as well as losing my job....everything hit within a period of 2-3 months of each other --- so, as others have said, some times the road does get down right bumpy -- but things have a way of working out  --- try on any given day to find just one thing to smile or laugh about and that will also go a long way to gettin u thru.  Keep sharing.  It will get better.
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline blackwingbear

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    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #51 on: March 07, 2010, 08:23:13 PM »
I can no longer pay my own living expenses.  Everything I makes goes to pay for meds, test, and docs. 

Do you qualify for ADAP?
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline blackwingbear

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    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #52 on: March 07, 2010, 08:24:37 PM »
If you can't think about staying alive for yourself, then until you can, do it for the people in your life who love you.  Let them love you until you can love yourself.  And please get help.  Suicide, if accomplished, is irreversible, and tragic.  Please get some help.

TRUTH!
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline blackwingbear

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    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #53 on: March 07, 2010, 08:28:00 PM »
Thanks everyone for your support.  To answer a few of your questions,  I live in the South Georgia.  My partner and I have never "pooled" our monies into one checking account, but we have always split the normal monthly expenses such as Mortgage, Utilities, Phone, etc.  I have always been the one to make sure we had money put back for emergencies. 


I live in NORTH Georgia (Rome). You can't let pride get in the way of logic - sometimes ALL of us need help from someone. Don't be ashamed to ask.
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline blackwingbear

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  • Hello, all you happy people....
    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #54 on: March 07, 2010, 08:33:10 PM »
I know there will be snags here and there, but its ridiculous that they wait till the last second to tell me that there are more forms to be filled out. Every quarter I worry, Will I lose my insurance, because of someones incompetence in Atl..  Its like they don't care, its not their life at stake. 

Welcome to Georgia!!!!!!
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline ga1964

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  • Posts: 188
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #55 on: March 22, 2010, 03:47:28 PM »
I appreciate all the feed back.  I wish it was enough.  I can't take anymore.  I have lost my insurance due to the sorry Case Manager that took over my case and to top it all off, today, I found out that she has quit and they have not replaced her yet. So now I have no Case Manager for the present time.  I have tried to stay positive, but I can't do it any longer. 

I have decided to make a "Video Will" and I am making arrangements so that I can exit this "Hell" that I have to call my life.  I really wish that I could see a different answer because I can't continue in this life.  I do appreciate everyone here that has offered your kind thoughts and words of encouragement.  It was nice to know that you all cared enough to try and help and I wish that could be enough, but it keeps getting harder to face a new day.  The hole that I have fallen in keeps getting deeper with no bottom in sight.   I can't do this any more.

I hope that in time my family and partner will be able to understand and not hate me for what I am about to do.  I know that it will cause them pain and grief, but I can't continue hurting anymore.  I hope they can forgive me for what I am about to do.  I don't want to cause them grief and hurt, but I can't take feeling the way I feel any longer.

God bless all of you that have sent encouraging words to me.

Good Bye

God forgive me.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #56 on: March 22, 2010, 04:43:50 PM »
I appreciate all the feed back.  I wish it was enough.  I can't take anymore.  I have lost my insurance due to the sorry Case Manager that took over my case and to top it all off, today, I found out that she has quit and they have not replaced her yet. So now I have no Case Manager for the present time.  I have tried to stay positive, but I can't do it any longer. 

I have decided to make a "Video Will" and I am making arrangements so that I can exit this "Hell" that I have to call my life.  I really wish that I could see a different answer because I can't continue in this life.  I do appreciate everyone here that has offered your kind thoughts and words of encouragement.  It was nice to know that you all cared enough to try and help and I wish that could be enough, but it keeps getting harder to face a new day.  The hole that I have fallen in keeps getting deeper with no bottom in sight.   I can't do this any more.

I hope that in time my family and partner will be able to understand and not hate me for what I am about to do.  I know that it will cause them pain and grief, but I can't continue hurting anymore.  I hope they can forgive me for what I am about to do.  I don't want to cause them grief and hurt, but I can't take feeling the way I feel any longer.

God bless all of you that have sent encouraging words to me.

Good Bye

God forgive me.

Before you do anything final, I implore you to seek psychiatric help. I appreciate you're in difficulties regarding insurance, but surely there is some mental health service which can assist you in climbing out of the depths of despair.

I suspect the world is a slightly better place because you're in it. It would be a shame if you weren't

MtD

Offline blackwingbear

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    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #57 on: March 22, 2010, 04:49:00 PM »
Hang-in there for your partner, if for no other reason you know of yet.... :-\
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #58 on: March 22, 2010, 05:04:05 PM »



  You can overcome this.  I know it's hard and many of us can relate to difficulties you are experiencing.  Just hang in there... if anything for one more day.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #59 on: March 22, 2010, 05:07:09 PM »
Ga, please don't do anything right now.  Go to an ER if you don't know of a mental health facility you can get into right away.  Tell the people in the ER exactly how you're feeling.  Please. 

I know the desperation you're feeling, trust me.  I wasn't successful in my suicide plights, and suffered because of it (and so did everyone around me).   Things do pass; I know it doesn't seem like it, but they do.  Please, please, get some help, now before something irreversible comes about.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #60 on: March 22, 2010, 05:14:51 PM »
It sounds like you really care about some of those who would be left berift if you go through with your plan. I know from personal experience it's devastating to be a survivor. And it's asking you a lot to take a breath and hold in and endure tough times.

Listen to me. Take a breath and get yourself to the nearest Emergency Room and tell them what's up. Even though you can't imagine at this moment that anything will help, there will be someone there who will help you.

You can see that you have obviously stirred a lot of feeling here and that is nothing compared to what those who love you would be feeling if they knew how bad things are with you right now.

Now, get yourself to that Emergency Room.

Wishing  you the best.

Andy Velez

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #61 on: March 22, 2010, 05:16:07 PM »
Hey Ga , Please know there are many who care about you . Things do get better I promise .

Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #62 on: March 22, 2010, 05:30:34 PM »
Hi GA -
Hope u went to the ER - or called 911 --- things do get better... I hope this comes out the right way, but someone once told me that if I killed myself today, in five years I would find out that I had killed the wrong person -- basically meaning that things do pass, things do get better and it is usually when we don't see how they could get better that we get into the position where they actually do --- u have a lot to offer - to those who will be struggling in the future --- the only way you can offer it is if u are here to do so --- please hang in there - find something to do that makes u happy, even for a minute - but first go and talk to someone - take some time to be good to urself by asking for help at the ER or thru 911 --- it will probably set into motion a path of events that will lift u out of this funk. 
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline WillyWump

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  • Fall is in the air!
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #63 on: March 22, 2010, 07:02:14 PM »
GA,

What's the rush here?

Before you do this you need to be compassionate towards yourself and give The ER a try right now. Believe it or not they can do wonders for you RIGHT NOW.

You can also call Suicide Prevention @ 1-800-273 TALK and there are people there that will listen to you and provide relief.

You need to give one of these avenues one last try before you do this. I see no need to rush what you are going to do, please reach out now.

If my recommendations sound like too much trouble, just reach over and call 911, they will do the rest.

-Will

« Last Edit: March 22, 2010, 07:08:05 PM by WillyWump »
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline ga1964

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  • Posts: 188
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #64 on: March 23, 2010, 02:45:36 AM »
Thanks all for caring.  As much as I appreciate it, I just can't see things getting better.  Its been 3 yrs now, ( I know its not that long for most here) but each month it gets harder.  I am so exhausted trying to "hang in there". 

Every month something else hops on the pile.  I can't sleep when I need to.  I lay in bed for hours and can't fall asleep.  If I do get lucky and fall a sleep, its for short periods.  When morning comes I don't want to get out of bed.  It takes so much energy to face the day.  Energy, I no longer have. 

And now, I have no insurance, so going to the ER is not an option.  I can't afford to support myself as it is, and I don't need any more debt to eat up what little I have left to leave my partner.

My life is so fucked up.       

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #65 on: March 23, 2010, 03:03:49 AM »
Thanks all for caring.  As much as I appreciate it, I just can't see things getting better.  Its been 3 yrs now, ( I know its not that long for most here) but each month it gets harder.  I am so exhausted trying to "hang in there". 

Every month something else hops on the pile.  I can't sleep when I need to.  I lay in bed for hours and can't fall asleep.  If I do get lucky and fall a sleep, its for short periods.  When morning comes I don't want to get out of bed.  It takes so much energy to face the day.  Energy, I no longer have. 

And now, I have no insurance, so going to the ER is not an option.  I can't afford to support myself as it is, and I don't need any more debt to eat up what little I have left to leave my partner.

My life is so fucked up.       

And yet you came back to us. :)

Good thing too dear. You gave us quite a scare with your earlier post.

Now I want you to listen to me. You're a prisoner of the Black Dog. Depression has it's steely grip around you and it's skewing the way you see everything. Grim stuff indeed. Depression is a terrible condition and a very effective killer.

But there is hope. Depression is eminently treatable and I suspect a goodly part of you would like to be rid of it. You must take the advice of those who have posted above. Go to the ER. Tell them that you've been having suicidal thoughts. Don't worry about stuff like insurance. You can fix that up later.

Perhaps one of President Obama's High Risk Pools can help.

But you simply must get this sorted out. You owe it to yourself, your family and above all your partner.

And remember, we're always here. Such as we are.

:-*

MtD

Offline darkerpozz

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  • I'll be with you in a sec...
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #66 on: March 23, 2010, 03:23:55 AM »
All I can say in times like these is to hold on things will get better maybe for only a little while but they will improve. Look for help in places you wouldn't normally and pride  be darned Desperate times force one to dig and find solutions. Life truly ain't easy but death is permanent. Take a moment for yourself and realize those who would miss and know you can do it.    Mark   

Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #67 on: March 23, 2010, 08:10:02 AM »
GA-
Definitely do not worry about something like insurance when your life is on the line -- go to the ER - if you have a publicly funded or not for profit hospital near you go there -- many cities also have non profit crisis units funded by the state and/or county to handle situations such as yours -- when u just need someone to talk to, need a break and need to get out of the funk of the depression.  Two different times in my life I have felt the way you do -
One time I actually tried to leave - when I saw the therapist he asked if I was trying to kill my self - I said I don't want to die - I am just tired of living - and I was tired.... but, that statement helped me to get the assistance I needed to get over the hump (and some humps are bigger then others and take a little longer to get over) -- but you only have to handle today's problems today - and you only have to handle as much as you are able or willing to handle on any particular day -- that sounds cliche - but it is tru

The second time, I remember going to my boss -- after wandering around my house aimlessly for hours in a deep funk --- she gave me a hug - I cried - she looped my in to a psychiatrist and I got on meds for a short period of time until I could come out of the funk enough to function.  It didn't make the problems miraculously go away, but it did make it easier to handle them and took me out of the dangerous funk I was in.  I also realized that I don't always have to "hold it together."  I try to follow the saying at times --- "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay - But That is Okay."   The only thing perfect about life is that it isn't perfect and isn't always rosy.

Please check on the ER situation or crisis unit.  If your city has an information/referral line call them (if not do the 911 thing) -- Our Info line here is 211 and it is that in many other places --- ask about crisis unit/crisis counseling.  Take even a small step --- the returns will be great.

Thank you for sharing honestly with us where you are and how u feel.  Whether you know it or not - ur words can help others - while at the same time helping you and this is a "we" thing.

Phil
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #68 on: March 23, 2010, 02:48:55 PM »
Hi all,

I'm trying to stay strong, I'm just so exhausted at the time.  I constantly have chest pains,(not heartattack pain) just pain as if all my insides have been ripped out and left a huge cavern in my chest.  I feel so hollow and empty.  It hurts so much and does not go away. 

I am on paxil, not like its had any positive effects over the past 2 yrs. that I have been taking them.  I've been to a therapist in the past, again with no real improvement.  I know part of it comes from me not being comfortable with opening up face to face, but I did try.  Its easier for me to express my feelings anonymously here than face to face with someone.  I fear that if I did tell someone how I was feeling face to face, they would put me in a straight jacket and lock me away. 

Being the oldest of my siblings, I have always been expected to set the example for my younger siblings.  In the past it was not a problem, a burden maybe, but not a problem.  Now I fight to stay sane and not let them see the cracks in my facade.   I feel so weak and I hate that.  I don't know how to let them see me in any other light.  Its always been my "Job" to set an example for them, to be strong, to be responsible, to be mature, to do the right thing.  I have done this as long as I can remember, all the same time hiding the fact that  I was gay.  I'm from a religious family and during my teen years I had to "hide" who I was to my family because being gay was unacceptable.  My partner and I had been together for almost 10 yrs. before I was able to tell my parents to mixed reactions from being "disowned" to being accepted, but not happy about the situation.

The crazy thing about it all, was that I thought my Dad, (being very religious) would have been the one to reject me and my Mother would be the one that would handle it better.  To my surprise, it was the exact opposite.  My Dad was like, "I wish you were not gay, but your still my son."  My Mom on the other hand, disowned me and we did not speak for 10 years.  Growing up, all you saw on TV were these perfect families that could over come any problems with the parents having unconditional love for their children.  No matter how bad the situation, the kids could always go to their parents and everything would work out.  I know this was all fantasy now, but back then, I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.  No matter what, you could always count on your parent's to love and be there. 

As I got older, I learned how to hide my feelings, as to not let anyone think that I was "different".   I dated girls to "fit in" so my parrents would not ask why I was not dating girls.  I endured so many questions of when I was going to settle down and start a "family".  All the time, being in a relationship that I could not share with them.  I did not get to have a "wedding", like my siblings, to celebrate my relationship and for it to be accepted and respected, not that I felt like I needed to have a "wedding" to have my relationship with my partner to be validated to me.  I don't know if "Gay Marrage" was to be legalized, that my partner and I would even get married.  To me marrage is just a piece of paper, so you have to pay a lawyer a lot of money to get out of it, if it does not work out.  The only benefit would being able to qualify for tax credits that straight couples get, and that my partner would be recognized as my family when I'm in the hospital.

Thanks for reading and caring.  I'll try to keep it together for now.   

 

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #69 on: March 23, 2010, 02:56:23 PM »


   Ga,   I admire your strength.  Your problems remind me of my own I had to deal with 5 years ago.  I never thought where I sit today was possible.  I hope you reach this place soon.

   Hang in there bud...
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Ann

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #70 on: March 23, 2010, 03:02:10 PM »
Ga,

I'm glad to hear you're still keeping it together. You can do it!

One thing that really worries me though, is that you're still  on Atripla. The sustiva component is well-known for causing depression and even suicidal thoughts such as you have been experiencing.

I know I mentioned this to you before and you replied that Atripla has worked very well for you. BUT - that's number-wise only! You can switch to another combo that doesn't include sustiva that will be every bit of effective as Atripla - but without the horrible depression side effect.

Please, talk to your doctor about this asap!

Hang in there.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #71 on: March 23, 2010, 03:07:05 PM »
Thanks Ga for the update . I have been thinking about you all day .

One aspect of the things you have shared with us is something we have in common .
I to also felt at one time that I had let my family and myself down by not dealing with what life had dealt me . I was ashamed and my shame turned into depression and I felt exactly what you have described feeling .

It wasn't easy changing the way I felt but thank god I did . It took me a long time get to the point of knowing in my heart that most people who were dealing with so much would probably be a basket case themselves . It finally dawned on me I wasn't super man and had nothing to be ashamed of . I'm not suggesting I know how you feel or how hard it is for you right now but I do remember that feeling of certainty that things just couldn't get worse or better in my life and I just wanted to die in the worst way . Things turned around for me in time and my life is good again .

I hope next time things are tough for me I wont be so hard on myself and realize I'm only human .    

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #72 on: March 23, 2010, 05:31:37 PM »
Ga, I didn't realize you're on Atripla.  I can tell you that I couldn't take Sustiva because of the depressive side effects (and other crazy central nervous system stuff).  I totally agree with Ann, about switching to another combo.  My doctor did it for me when I asked, and it's been a lot better.  You may really seriously consider checking into this.

Also, the Paxil may not be working for you.  But, that doesn't mean that no antidepressant will.  You may also want to talk to your doctor (I don't know if you see a psychiatrist or not) about switching to a different antidepressant. 

I believe we probably all have some shame from our early lives.  I know I did.  Until I realized that every one of us is human, and capable of fucking up big time (and most have).  And life goes on.  Please keep going on.  And seriously, if you can't think of any other way, go to an ER, and tell them how you're feeling.  Don't worry about being able to pay it.  Your life is worth more than a bill.  Do it for your partner, do it for your family, and do it for yourself.  Things do pass.  I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but they do.  And please keep us updated.  Thanks. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline WillyWump

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #73 on: March 23, 2010, 10:04:08 PM »
Ga,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. While we may not be able to relate to all of it, Im sure that all of us can relate to parts of it.

 "My Dad was like, "I wish you were not gay, but your still my son."" - This is awesome Ga, you have a wonderful dad. Embrace it. As you stated, it's typically the dads that react badly.  I actually was not able to "come out" until after my father died. He was a staunch homophobe, and I would do anything to please him (yes I know, issues), even to the point of getting married. Man that was some fucked up times.

I can totally relate to the growing up watching the "perfect" families on Tv. I longed to have a family like that. Mine was anything but perfect (single mother raising me, non-existant alcoholic dad). I used to imagine that I was part of the "Seaver" family. It was an escape for me. But then I grew up and realized that the TV families were fictional and didnt exist in the real world. Reality sucked for me. But I learned to try to make the best of what I had.

Your posts are very insightful, I look forward to reading more.

Also, I agree with the others regarding the sustiva, no telling what that is doing to you emotionally

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline blackwingbear

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #74 on: March 23, 2010, 11:12:39 PM »
As you stated, it's typically the dads that react badly.  I actually was not able to "come out" until after my father died. He was a staunch homophobe, and I would do anything to please him (yes I know, issues), even to the point of getting married. Man that was some fucked up times.

I had the opposite reaction to me: my Dad's reaction was, "Yeah, I know. So? Anything else?" while my mothers' reaction was ," No, you can't be! I don't want you to burn in Hell for all of eternity!"...


It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #75 on: March 24, 2010, 08:47:29 AM »
GA, it's good to read that you're hanging in there.

Having to live your life to suit other people's expectations of you can be a tremendous burden. As far as I am concerned, taking good care of yourself is the best example you can set for others and for the world in general.

I second Ann's remarks about Sustiva. Yes, it can be very effective, but it's a powerful drug and many have had serious emotional side effects from using it. Talk to your doc about it and alternatives.

Make sure this day and every one thereafter includes something you really enjoy doing to help balance all of the challenges you're dealing with.

Cheers. 
Andy Velez

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #76 on: March 24, 2010, 12:40:47 PM »
Hi all,

I want to thank everyone for your support.  I can't express how much it means to me at this time.  I don't know if i would still be here if it was not for your compassion and words of support.  Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. 

I finally got a full night of sleep, but I think it might be because I think I took a double dose of my meds I take at night.  I take my Atripla at bed time so I can sleep through the side effects that I have seen written here.  I also take my Amatirptalyn 100mg. and Trimodal 100mg. before going to bed to help me sleep.   

When I went to bed last night I could not remember if I had taken them earlier, so to make sure I did take them, I took them.  Within 10 min. I started feeling drunk and everything started spinning.  Next thing I know I woke up this morning with a terrable hangover, so now I'm thinking I ended up taking 2 Atripla and 200mg. of both Amatriptalyn and trimodal. 

I'm not worried about the Amatriptalyn and trimodal as much as I am about Possibly taking 2 Atripla in the same night.  If I did infact take 2 Atripla, could it have a negative effect like not taking it for 1 night?  Should I have gone to the ER?  I am vigilant about taking my meds Daily, but as you know, I have not been in the best frame of mind lately.  I take some of my meds in the morning, some after dinner, and the rest before bed.  What should I do if I can't remember if I've already taken them?  Especially the Atripla.

Thanks again for being here.

   

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #77 on: March 24, 2010, 12:46:04 PM »
 Good to hear from you today . Its no big deal about the atripla for one night . Missing one dose will do no harm if it gives you peace of mind .

Offline Denver Toad

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #78 on: March 24, 2010, 01:11:53 PM »
GA,

I'm damm glad you're reaching out here. For many of us, me absolutely included, asking for help is often the hardest part of getting the help we need.

There's a lot of excellent advice being shared with you here. We're all lucky to have this forum where we can vent/express/share what we're feeling. Thanks for sharing how tough it is for you trying to deal with the challenges of living.  

Suicide..... I keep some parts of my past tucked deeply away. After three and a half years the wounds are at best lightly scabbed over. It doesn't take much for the memories to be as consuming as the emotions were during the darkest days.

My partner too suffered from depression and felt overwhelmed by events. Money, lack of health insurance, lack of support from family, failure to measure up to self imposed standards, their belief they were a failure in the eyes of others, and a sister that had taken her own life. (this sets a precedent for other family members as to acceptability of suicide) All this culminated in Terry's death at her own hand. She shot herself in the heart while sitting alone, desperate, and in the dark of the night. Death wasn't painless, the journey to the other side wasn't an easy transition. The first bullet nicked a rib and was deflected into her lung. Eventually the wound would have been fatal but death would likely have taken hours. Somehow she found the means to pull the trigger a second time and thus ended her life. I find myself, even today, wishing I'd been the one she shot... It would have hurt less...

Lessons I've learned from her death...
(1) A loved one's suicide is just the beginning of the pain. It takes years to heal. There's a part of me that may never heal.

(2) Suicide made none of the problems go away. We were a "common law" couple in the eyes of the law. Her death didn't make any of the money problems disappear. I just finished paying off her medical bills, her dental bills, and funeral bills. A simple cremation and outdoor service ran into the thousands of dollars.

(3) Her suicide was the penultimate fuck you to all of us that loved and cared about her. I rarely see her children or family member any more, we've moved on with our lives. Of all the emotions we've shared, of all the frustrations common amongst us, the most prevalent theme is why didn't she reach out. We would have done anything in our power to help her. Why did we/I matter so little that she wouldn't or couldn't ask for help. We love her memory but struggle with forgiveness for her final act.

(4) Terry will never know of the granddaughter named after her. The child that shares her blond hair and brown eyes. Her Granddaughter will only know her from photos and others memories.

(5) Terry's death devastated her son. He's now an alcoholic and drug addict that is essentially homeless. At one time he was an honor student and looked forward to life. He now chooses to self medicate in an effort to ease his pain. Terry not only took her life she robbed her son the will to keep living.The last time I spent time with him I asked what he missed most of his mother... "I want her to hold me." How do you answer that?

(6) Places, events, dates, and similar are forever changed. Christmas/Thanksgiving/holidays are tinged with memories. Before and after death memories. We altered and replaced gatherings and events trying to find a comfort zone between wiping her memories from our lives and honoring the person we loved.

I need to stop now. Like I said this brings up a host emotions that I try to keep buried. For me there is no reconciliation, wrapping my head around this is just too painful. So I shove the memories as deep as I can and with time they've begun to diminish.

On a clear nights I stand on the back porch and look up into the sky... I'll imagine she can hear me... I imagine she cares still... with all I want to tell her, to share with her... the one thing I always come back to is why. Why why why. Why am I left with only why? Does it hurt less where you are, because all you accomplished with your death was putting all your fears, doubts, and pain on our shoulders. Is that what you wanted? Terry... I love you... and I hate you.

Hang in there GA. There's a lot more on the line then you realize. PM me if you want to chat... I'll listen if you reach out.
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #79 on: March 24, 2010, 01:17:21 PM »
Denver Toad , thanks for sharing that very personal and touching part of your life with us .

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #80 on: March 25, 2010, 01:12:03 PM »
Denver Toad,

My deepest sympathy for what you have gone through.  It brought me to tears.  I can't thank you enough for sharing your story.  I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through.  I printed it out so I can read it when things seem so dark and dire to remind me that my death would have permanent effects on my partner and family.

I know that you sister did not want you or anyone else that loved her and that she loved you and them.  I can't know what she was fighting, nor will I assume I could to express what drove her to her decision.  I can can only tell you what I'm going through, as much as I love partner and family, the pain inside me becomes unbarable at times. 

For me, It's hard for me to show weakness and flaws to those closest to me.  I don't want them to be worrying about my problems, they have enough of their own.  Also, I was raised, you handle your own problems and not "dump" your problems on others.  Even more so being the oldest of my siblings.  You know, "Man-Up", "Cowboy Up" etc..  With them being 4, 10, and 11 years younger than me, I was suppose to set the "example".  And my parrents focused on them more because of their ages.  Not that they ignored me, they just had to focus on the younger ones more. 

As I got older it became second nature not to discuss my problems.  And after my Mom disowned me, I lost my ability to fully trust others.  If my Mom could turn her love off like a light switch, how could trust that someone else could love me more than my Mother?  Yes, she did come around eventually, but it took 10 years and me making the first move.  I also have trust issues with therapist from a childhood experience.  And we all have had one or more "friends" that have proven to be disloyal.

All of this, plus the HIV thing, and sometimes I get to feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  I get to feeling the only way to stop the hurt , both mentally and physically, is to end it all.  Some say its selfish, but at these times, stopping the hurt by what ever means, becomes the over riding thought, for me at least.  I know I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and social issues of being gay and living in a small town in the "Bible Belt Buckle" of the Nation.  Sometimes I feel like a kid playing in the grown up world trying to keep my head above water and not letting anyone see me slipping under.

Thank you again.  I know it must have been painfull for you to write about your sister.  I know what its like to bury painfull memories to be able to move forward.  Don't hate her, I'm know she loved you more than you will ever know.  I love my family and partner so much and I don't want to cause them hurt and grief, but the pain inside me gets so intense, my thoughts go to finding an end to it by any means possible.

Sometimes these thoughts continues for days and weeks at a time and then something else goes wrong and it feels like god is piling things on so heavy as if he wants me to break.  They say God will not put on more on someone than they can handle, but it gets to the point that I look up and yell that I have too much and I've reached my limit, not that it has seemed to help.  The shit is still being piled on me and the weight is taking me to my breaking point.  As much as I don't want to hurt those that love me, I have to find a way to unload at east some of the load.

God bless you, and I hope you will be able to find peace with your sister for the decision she made.  It was not meant to bring you or anyone else that loved her pain.

   
 


 

Offline metekrop

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #81 on: March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 PM »
I want to die ::)
Diag on Dec 8, 2000, CD 440 VL 44K, No Meds
Dec/08 - Feb/09 CD< 50 & VL >500k hosp'z.
St. Atripla - July/09 CD 179, VL 197k
Oct/09 CD 300 VL UD Chol 267
Mar/10 CD 468 UD, Ch 220
Aug/10 CD 460 UD, Ch 195
Dec/10 CD 492 UD, Ch 172
Mar/11 CD 636 UD, Ch 201
Aug/11 CD 530 UD, Ch 98
Jan/12 cd 616 UD, ch 189
Jul/12 CD 640 UD, Ch ?
Dec/12 CD 669 Ud, Ch 125
May/7 CD711 Ud, Ch?
Nov/ 22 663 UD, Ch,
April 17 CD 797,
Oct, 14 CD 810 UD

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #82 on: March 27, 2010, 07:20:01 AM »
I want to die ::)

I don't know what your post is supposed to imply, but it's not helpful, is it?  I suppose your time would be better spent here trying to help someone, instead of being a smart-ass.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #83 on: March 27, 2010, 09:08:56 AM »
I want to die ::)

I am sure you were full of jokes when you were in the hospital near death. 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #84 on: March 31, 2010, 12:55:35 PM »
It looks like I have definitely lost my Insurance.  I asked the temp case worker handling things now if I should apply for Medicare.  She told me she would help me file but did not think I would qualify.  She also said they usually say no to the first application anyway.  So now I don't know what to do.  If anyone has any advice, I would surely appreciate it.

I don't know what I'm going to do without health insurance.  I can't afford to keep up with the cost of my Meds, not to mention Dr. expense if I get sick.

It just adds one more load on my back and I'm at my breaking point. 

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #85 on: March 31, 2010, 01:32:05 PM »
so what's going on with you applying/re-qualifying for ADAP?

I lived for all those years in Ohio without a case manager, so you don't neccesarily need them. The information about GA ADAP is at http://health.state.ga.us/programs/stdhiv/adap.asp (check the link for "Enrollment Site List", along with the application document links below that). IF you qualified before to have ADAP cover the cost of your insurance, it should help provide you with medications while you apply for medicare. Are you eligible for state medicaid? (http://www.georgia.gov/00/channel_title/0,2094,31446711_31944826,00.html)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #86 on: March 31, 2010, 01:32:41 PM »
String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline blackwingbear

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #87 on: March 31, 2010, 01:53:08 PM »
It looks like I have definitely lost my Insurance.  I asked the temp case worker handling things now if I should apply for Medicare.  She told me she would help me file but did not think I would qualify.

It definitely looks like you would qualify for ADAP...
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #88 on: March 31, 2010, 02:57:26 PM »
My case worker mentioned ADAP.  I'm supposed to meet with her Mon. to fill out the paper work.  Will ADAP take care of medical expences that are not HIV related, Hospital expences, MRI, Catscans, etc?

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #89 on: March 31, 2010, 03:40:04 PM »
Hospital expences, MRI, Catscans, etc
goodness! :o You're not that sick right now are you?!?
(20 yrs of being poz and I've never had an MRI or catscan. A couple xrays for the pneumonia and a couple of hospital stays of less than a week has been about it for the big ticket items)

as far as medicaid and medicare etc, those all depend a lot on your financial situation/health status. Unfortunately going the road for disability (to get medicare if you're not old enough) entails that you have to be sick enough; while obtaining medicaid entails not having the financial means to afford your own health care.

Unfortunately, in troubled times like you're going through (and god, do I hate giving out this advice, cause I sure hate hearing it  :D ) you need to take things one step at a time. Right now that you have already started meds, you need to get ADAP to help you keep on obtaining your meds. The meds will keep the HIV beat back, so you're immune system can work, and you shouldn't have much more to worry about in the immediate future than a summer cold or something.  ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline phildinftlaudy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #90 on: March 31, 2010, 03:50:08 PM »
Hi Ga1964-
I agree with leatherman -- however, you could also check with your caseworker to see who are the Ryan White funded health care providers in your area.  Depending on needs idenfied in your community, a variety of health care services may be available to you thru RW funding.  Also, if you have a safety net hospital/health care sytstem in your area (i.e. publicly funded, tax funded, not-for-profit) - many have charity care programs that are based on your income or lack of.... Check out these options on your own or with your case worker.
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #91 on: March 31, 2010, 04:50:53 PM »
Thanks guys,

I don't have any major health issues, other than HIV, at the present time.  I was in the hospital for major surgery when I was diagnosed.  That adventure ended up costing close to $200,000.00 by the time I recovered.  I'm just scared of not being able to have test or surgery if needed if I don't have insurance.  We do have both a nonprofit and for profit hospitals here. 

What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?  I can't keep up with the bills now.

Offline blackwingbear

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #92 on: March 31, 2010, 05:03:44 PM »
I don't have any major health issues, other than HIV, at the present time. 

What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?  I can't keep up with the bills now.

Seems you're panicking over nothing, my dear... ADAP will help with paying for HIV meds... And you don't need an MRI or cat-scan to tell you that you have HIV... ;)
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #93 on: March 31, 2010, 06:09:29 PM »
I want to die ::)

Mete,

It's a shame you've decided not to extend to the OP of this thread the same consideration and kindness which has been extended to you in this place.

MtD

Offline phildinftlaudy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #94 on: March 31, 2010, 06:14:42 PM »
GA-
If you would by chance end up with a medical need - most hospitals have Patient Finance Associates whose job it is to see what program(s) you qualify for, such as Medicaid, charity care, RW, etc.

In the meantime, be in good health -- no parasailing, motorcross riding, downhill slalom skiing, etc   ;)
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #95 on: March 31, 2010, 06:52:53 PM »
What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?
that's the hardest part, when you're in the roughest times, of trying to live only one day at a time - and that's to not be a good boy scout who's always prepared.

After I got out of the hospital with PCP or when my partner was in the hospital dying from non-hodgkins lymphoma, the hardest thing was to "take one day at a time". (well it was a toss up for the hardest part - actually taking one day at a time or listening to everyone to tell me to take one day at a time. LOL) I thought I needed to plan on what to do next in case XYZ happened; but what I really needed to do was take appropriate care of myself each day (rest, food, meds, exercise) and just deal with the immediate problem. Good grief, I wasted so much worry, time and energy planning for how things would be after my partner got out of the hospital and was back at home recovering, and that never even happened. :'( When I checked myself out of the hospital AMA with PCP, all I was worried about and planning for was my death - and that never happened either. ::) Sometimes you just have to not push forward so hard and just see where life takes you. It sucks, but that's life - unpredictable. ::) :D

Right now you're healthy, and you need to focus on making sure that stays just like that. That means getting that access to meds fixed up before you run out. (Can you print out the ADAP application, and go ahead and have it filled and ready before that meeting? As I mentioned before it takes patience and work to change a situation. It won't hurt to be more pro-active rather than waiting for some temp case mgr to come to your rescue. ;)) Once that is all in place, then you can worry about getting things together to be able to see a doctor and have labs done.

Until then don't be worried about imaginary issues like hospitals and MRIs. ;) That's just a good way to drive yourself crazy and worsen your depression. and Hey! That's something else you can work on right now - the depression. Are you still working at a job? If not, you need to find some activities (like Phildinftlaudy said - just not real dangerous ones) so you don't obsess and worry and sink further down. If you are still working, then you need to find some relaxing activities to help manage that depression and worry. Walks in the park, planting flowers/garden, volunteer work.

I understand things are very rough for you right now (but be thankful you have your health!) and you wish you had all the answers, or at least some of the answers, right now; but these problems have been building up in your life for a while and are going to take a while to get sorted all out. I'm just glad that your still here and still struggling all these months later since you first posted. In another 6 months to a year, you might very well look back on all this and be amazed at how far you've come from that guy that started this thread.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #96 on: April 01, 2010, 12:34:12 AM »
Thanks for the advice. 

It's not one of my strong suits, but I will try to take one day at a time.  I've always been the one in our relationship that made sure we had a "Rainy Day" fund.  Now, were at the end of our savings and the "rain" is not letting up and no end in sight.  It's easy for him to say "don't worry, it will be OK."  He's never worried what his credit score is, I do. 

After what the last 3yrs. have done to our finances, I don't know how anybody can afford to live with HIV.  I use to have a great credit score, now it's in the toilet.  I still work in my own business, but all the money I use to have to put into savings, entertainment, vacations, etc. has been spent trying to keep up with my medical expenses.  I feel like I'm cheating my partner out of being able to retire some day in the future and having a comfortable "golden years".  Then I feel guilty, and then the depression sets in.  I don't know how to live without planning for the what tomorrow will bring.  I really wish I could have a "Fuck It" outlook sometimes.  It seems easy for my partner not to worry about tomorrow and maybe that's why I feel compelled to worry about it for both of us.

Thanks again for those of you that have cared enough to reach out when I've needed it the most.     


My OCD does not help either.

Offline WillyWump

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  • Fall is in the air!
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #97 on: April 01, 2010, 07:59:02 PM »
Hey GA,

I dont want this to come off as abrasive , and this is only my opinion on the situation but I think it's time to not worry about credit scores, rainy day funds and pleasing your partner (more on your partner later in this post). The priority is to wrap your head around your diagnosis and your depression. Right now, but not necessarilly forever, it needs to be all about "you".

Credit scores can be rebuilt, and really quite quickly. I know you take pride in your sterling credit rating, but really things happen to good people all the time which affect them adversely financial wise. There are many people who have taken a huge financial hit on their finances due to medical issues, many right here in these forums, and ultimately have rebuilt their finances. It's possible. Especially for someone as savvy as you. I myself filed Bankruptcy years ago, My once pristine credit was then shot to hell. Within 3 years of bankruptcy I bought a house (it can be done), I had credit cards being sent to me within 2 or 3 years of bankruptcy, etc.. My point is,  financial ruin was a temporary hump that I had to endure. I came out of it fine. I'm not saying you are financailly ruined or that you are headed that way, but worst case scenario is surmountable.

As far as your Rainy Day Fund, part of the reason for saving is for unexpected medical expenses. Yes its nice to save for vacations, entertainment, etc... but your health comes first and foremost. Dont feel the least bit bad for draining your rainy day fund over medical expenses. It's a darn good thing you had that fund huh?

As far as your partner, It's obvious he loves you and will continue to do so no matter what the financial situation. Your strong love for him is obvious as well "I feel like I'm cheating my partner out of being able to retire some day in the future and having a comfortable "golden years". This statement shows you are a very giving and caring person. It's apparent yall have a very strong relationship. Bravo for that! Nevertheless right now you need to focus on your HIV sitaution and less on creating a cushy "Golden Years" for your partner. You need to stay well and healthy for your partner right now, and that way you can still have a nice Golden Years down the road.

There is no reason to feel the least bit guilty about purportedly cheating you and your partner out of a comfortable Gold Years. You never know what tomorrow or next year may bring, you may get a huge unexpected windfall contract with your business that you run, you may get a hundred new clients, you may __________ (insert anything here).  Everything you are going through right now is merely a temporary speed bump. When I get saddled with difficulties, I use the 10 year rule..."Will this matter to me in 10 year?", the answer has always been "No". For you chances are that none of this will be an issue in 10 years, or even 5 years.

Right now it needs to be all about You and Your health. Everything else can go on the back burner. No one is going to mind.

Yes, I know right now you are worried about being able to pay for meds with your insurance issues, etc.. But this too will remedy itself in some way (see prev posts about ADAP, etc...)

You're a smart man, I know in your heart you know all of this that Ive just posted is true, But sometimes it helps to see it and read it in black and white

Take care of yourself Buddy, youll be just fine.

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline blackwingbear

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    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #98 on: April 01, 2010, 08:11:01 PM »
Hey GA,

I dont want this to come off as abrasive , and this is only my opinion on the situation but I think it's time to not worry about credit scores, rainy day funds and pleasing your partner.

I don't think that was abrasive at all - in fact, I think you said it a Hell of alot nicer than some would have.
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

Offline ga1964

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  • Posts: 188
Re: I want to die.
« Reply #99 on: April 13, 2010, 11:54:40 PM »
Sorry, it's been a while since I updated here.  For the most part, I have leveled out some what. 

I met with my case manager the other day to fill out the application for ADAP.  When she saw that my CD4s were just over 700, she said I would not qualify for ADAP.  Is there a CD4 limit on ADAP?  My CD4s have come up, but they were at 191 when I was diagnosed.  Have I lost qualifying status because I now have a "normal" CD4 count?

My case manager filled out applications to get Patent's Assistance from the Pharm. Co. for my other meds, but I have not heard anything back.  I also asked her if I should go ahead and file for Medicare/Medicade and she acted like it would be a waist of time.  She said she would help me with the filing, but said everyone gets turned down first couple of times.  Maybe it was just me, but I got the feeling that she did not want to have to deal with it. 

Its times like this that I wish I had my original case manager back.  She made the whole process a lot easier.  She made me feel as if she really cared about getting me the help I needed.  This new case manager is polite and friendly, but I get the feeling she could care less what happens to me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks 

 


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