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Author Topic: I want to die.  (Read 58591 times)

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Offline ga1964

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I want to die.
« on: December 29, 2009, 02:27:34 AM »
I don't know what to do any more.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year, at least it was.  This year was the worst Christmas in my life.  I did not have any money to get gifts this year for my partner or family.   I had to ask my parents to get gifts for my Nieces and Nephew.  I have not payed my Dec. house payment.  All my credit cards have been frozen.  My car payment is late and about to be 2mo. behind.  My business is about to closed.  And to top everything, I woke up Christmas Eve and all the drains were backed up.  I worked all day Thurs., Fri., and Sat. trying to get them working to no avail.  I'm litterally having to go out in the back yard.  I don't have any money to pay a plumber to even look see what is blocked.  My partner has paid for my meds this month. 

I can no longer pay my own living expenses.  Everything I makes goes to pay for meds, test, and docs.  I keep going deeper and deeper into debt and I don't see it ever getting better.  I would rather die instead of continuing on this path.  I can't go through another Christmas like this year.  It hurts too much. 

I asked my partner not to get me anything because I could not get him anything.  He went ahead and got me gifts and insisted I open them.  I finally opened them to make him happy, but the whole time I just wanted to die.  Going to my parents house was worse.  I sat there trying to smile and look happy and all I could think about was what a .38 slug would feel like going through my head.  It would be over before I even felt a thing.  The pain in my chest would be gone.  The pressures that are killing me would be gone.  I go to bed at night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. 

I have not been able to pull the trigger yet, but if I did not wake up in the morning, it would be a relief.  The hurt and the pain would be gone.  The shame and guilt would be gone.  I want to reach inside my chest and rip my heart out, it hurts so bad.  I feel like such a failure.  I have become a burden to my partner and family.  Its not fair to them and I can't let them pay for my mistakes. 

If I'm lucky, I won't wake in the morning.  Then everyone can move on with their lives and I can fade away into the back of their minds as a distant memory. 

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2009, 04:48:10 AM »
I am crying for you knowing the overwhelming feeling, but if you can take a breath and hope for better it will come and I am not saying for the things as they were but just better than the day before because I can't believe I am here writing this today but I made it and somehow it is slowly getting more bearable not like what it was just livable.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2009, 05:52:15 AM »
Ga, I urge you to get help ASAP.  Go to an ER and explain how you're feeling, or at least get in touch with the closest ASO (Aids Service Organization) to see what kind of help you may be qualified for, like Ryan White, or ADAP to help with your meds.  That would help with one problem.  No one on here can give you any magical advice to make everything alright, but suicide shouldn't be an option.  I'm not telling you you shouldn't feel the way you do, because I've been there a few times (and tried to off myself, but it never worked).  I did, however, end up on a vent to help me breathe a couple times, which wasn't any fun at all.  And the people in my life were very, very hurt.  Believe me, you're not a burden to your family or your partner.  I'm sure if they felt like that, they would let you know.  People who help are never forced to help, they're doing it because they love you.  And also, the ASO should know about possible programs that may help with your financial situation.  Maybe you could start making a priority list, of what's most important, and try to figure out, with someone who's trained in this sort of thing, how to get things accomplished that would help you (house payment, meds, car etc.). 

There are always options, but there won't be any if you're not around.  If you can't think about staying alive for yourself, then until you can, do it for the people in your life who love you.  Let them love you until you can love yourself.  And please get help.  Suicide, if accomplished, is irreversible, and tragic.  Please get some help.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2009, 07:01:27 AM »



   Dude, I agree with Betty.  You need to talk to someone immediately.  I went through absolute hell after I was diagnosed and damn near lost the house on top of all this....  late night anxious calls to the CDC were the norm for me because I had absolutely no one to talk to....

  And Family?  Let me tell you, you are one up on me in that category.  You think you're a burden?  While I agree they may worry about you, I doubt very seriously they are looking at this in the same manner as you are.  They are trying to support you the best way they know how and sometimes people think letting you tear some paper off a box (presents) will make you feel better...  just go with the flow.  There will be plenty of Holidays in the future to deal with.

   You are a lucky one.... and I know you don't see it, but you are.  You have a wonderful partner who takes the time to try and make you feel better and additionally you have family who are there for you.  Not many people can attest to that, myself included......

   I know in all this darkness it's hard to see what matters most and what blessings (no i am not religious) we do have.  I implore you to follow BT65's advice and get to your local ASO or as suggested and talk to someone regarding these feelings you have.  All this stuff going on has more than likely spiraled you into a depression that can be difficult to pull out of on your own.

   Like I said before, it seems you have a great support system and you should not feel guilty for having it... consider yourself fortunate and at the same time be good to yourself.

   Also have you tried calling your mortgage company?  Trust right now the last thing they want to do is foreclose on another home.  I think at my worst I was almost 6 months behind in my mortgage... Mind you this was Bank of America I was dealing with....  during this time I had to look very hard to find a positive in all this, about the only blessing I could find was the fact I had two boxes of Rahmen Noodles in the cupboard, yes it was that bad....

   Talk to someone bro and go easy on yourself.... at least give yourself an opportunity to pull out of this. Trust me it can be done!

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2009, 08:07:37 AM »
GA, we're listening to you. You are very articulate about what you are struggling with.  I'm just going to add to others who have urged you to go to an ER if you are feeling on the verge of acting on your feelings.

You have a lot of company in the situation you have described. Especially at this time of year, it seems to make overwhelming problems feel even more so. And as hopeless as things may seem now, you can get through this. Sometimes I think that any sensible person is bound to feel like ending it all sometimes. This life can be very hard at times. And personally there is something especially despair-making about when basics like plumbing break down.

And yet, there are obviously people who care about you in your life including your partner, your family and your friends. However much you may doubt it at this moment, they really need you to stick around.

Get help if you need it at ER. Or from any ASO in your area that may offer counseling and support. 

Keep us posted on how it's going.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2009, 08:46:48 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2009, 08:34:34 AM »
... I go to bed at night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. 

I have not been able to pull the trigger yet, but if I did not wake up in the morning, it would be a relief.  The hurt and the pain would be gone.  The shame and guilt would be gone.  I want to reach inside my chest and rip my heart out, it hurts so bad.  I feel like such a failure.  I have become a burden to my partner and family.  Its not fair to them and I can't let them pay for my mistakes. 

If I'm lucky, I won't wake in the morning.  Then everyone can move on with their lives and I can fade away into the back of their minds as a distant memory. 
...

ga, ga, ga --  please try to take a few steps back and re-evaluate!!

Your sentiments quoted above are IDENTICAL to those of most people living with severe clinical depression.  Regardless of the reasons, irrespective of your feelings of failure and placing burdens on loved ones, shit, (excuse my French, por favor) even the backed up plumbing (and I know what that's like firsthand, believe me) are not sufficient to justify ending your life.   PLEASE FIND A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR OR EVEN A GOOD FRIEND YOU TRUST TO TALK TO ASAP.  I can't minimize your current turmoil but want to tell you it's temporary.
 
Think about how your lover and family would feel if you took the "easy way" out.  Do you truly believe they'd prefer presents other than your presence?  Can you imagine their agony if you killed yourself?   If you own a gun please remove it from your home or at least remove all the bullets to a safe location YOU don't have easy access to.  PLEASE!!!  You have so many reasons to go on but presently they're obscured by transient problems -- loss of cars and houses and even the possible collapse your own business don't come close to the loss your family (including your lover) would experience were you to end your life.  Do you have any comprehension of what they would feel?  They love you and nothing that has happened will change that.  Your suicide would cause so much pain and agony.   

I'm not offering "think happy thoughts" or any of that BS.  Right now your life is almost unbearable but please believe it will get better.  Know it will get better.  It will.

I know what it's like to crave death over the pain but I'm still here.  My best friend recently had to re-hide her gun after I found it while scouring her office for miscellaneous documents.  I didn't ask -- simply told Charlotte I'd come across it and it was gone the next day.   She knows in a few minutes of sadness I'd end my life so obliges me in this small way.   Don't allow your sadness, no matter how extreme, to make you destroy your life and those of people you love and who love you.

Please think about what others here have written and how your loved ones have shown what you mean to them.  Go on living even if you're doing it for them right now. 

If you ever want to talk I'll be happy to listen (504-450-6248) or just write a PM and I'll respond.  (Yes, fellow forumites, I know the risks of publicly posting my phone number -- it changes so often most of my blood relatives don't know what it is...)

GA, get help now!!  Seeking assistance isn't admission of weakness or failure, it's a sign of strength. 

String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline buffaloboy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2009, 10:28:23 AM »
Although there is almost certainly an underlying depression caused by the HIV diagnosis which many people go through, this latest slump seems to be triggered by financial issues. You don't mention which country you live in, but is there not any sort of program whereby you can receive your healthcare for free, which is often the case for people living with HIV.

When I read heart-breaking stories like this, I just thank God that I live in a country where there is a publicly funded health service and no one need go broke simply trying to stay alive.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2009, 10:43:42 AM »
The holidays are really hard on people dealing with depression and hardships . I say this GA because I have been there where you are now . Please try and remember that as the Holidays are behind us it will be one less thing to worry over for now .

I cant make it all better for you but I want you to know there are people here who care and that's  a powerful thing . Please take it one day at a time and let us know how you are doing .

Offline mecch

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2009, 11:55:00 AM »
A bluesy xmas indeed!  Is your partner solvent and do you live together?  Do you pool your money?  It seems odd that you could be so poor and people know it but your partner would buy you gifts if you could actually use the money to keep your car going, for instance.  Maybe there is a pow-wow in the future - with your partner and your family, to see if everyone might look at the hard facts - you are not feeling secure because of money, basically -- and pitch in with some plan to get you back to security.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2009, 01:51:50 PM »
Ga, I've seen you on here a couple times, but no reply from you.  How are you? 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2009, 04:37:01 PM »
Thanks everyone for your support.  To answer a few of your questions,  I live in the South Georgia.  My partner and I have never "pooled" our monies into one checking account, but we have always split the normal monthly expenses such as Mortgage, Utilities, Phone, etc.  I have always been the one to make sure we had money put back for emergencies. 

I am more responsible when it comes to money management and I have helped him keep a better credit score than he had when we met.  I am the one that freaks out when creditors call wanting payment.  Don't get me wrong, he is a very responsible person but he has budgetting issues.  In the past if he needed money to make it to the end of the month, he always knew he could come to me and I would give him the money.  Now I don't have the money to give him.  He paid for my meds this month.  He gave me money from a loan he took out to buy Christmas for his family.  It kills me to take money from him knowing he needs it.  I refuse, and he insist.  I know he thought giving me presents would bring a little cheer into my life, but it hurt so much to open the gifts.  I can't go though another Christmas like this one.  I'd rather die.

I know I have it better than some and my heart goes out to them.  Yes, I have the support of my partner and parents, but I have always been a self-sufficient person.  Having to ask my parents for financial assistance has destroyed my pride.  I've always payed my way in life since I was 18, and hurts so much to have to ask for help. 

If the rest of my life is working to pay medical expenses, I'd rather end it now.  I feel guilty going to a doctor or the hospital knowing I will not be able to pay my deductables.  I have collectors calling all day, every day at home and work.  I can't take it any more. 

I have borrowed close to $15,000 from my parents the past 2 years.  I can't keep burdening them with the expenses because I got this disease.  Its not fair to them.  If I die, they could get some of it back from my estate.  Not like its a lot or worth fighting over, But my partner would be able to get start over.

I have seen a therapist in the past, but I did not feel like it was making any difference.  I don't have the money to pay a therapist anyway.  Over the past 3 years I have lost all of my savings and am so deep in debt, I'll never be able to pay it all back.  So why continue?  This disease has robbed of everything from money to my dignity.  I have not had a vacation since my diagnosis.  I can't even afford to go to family reunions. 

On top of all its, my parents want me to either tell my brothers and sisters about my status or alllow them to tell them.  Neither of which, am I ready to deal with right now.  I find myself starting to cry without warning lately.  I hate the way I feel and I just want it to all go away by any means necessary.

 

Offline mecch

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2009, 06:21:17 PM »
Wow man, its so definitely about money. There have got to be solutions other than suicide. Your parents probably want to tell your siblings because you so clearly need help. That's what families are for. You shouldn't feel guilty because you got HIV.  Would you feel this way if you had cancer?  You need to get some social workers helping you to figure out a liveable solution.  Maybe you should be pure and simply bankrupt, but with your bf to rely on somehow.  There have to be some experts who could advise you a way out.
How is your health, otherwise?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline jm1953

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2009, 07:17:54 PM »
I can't think of anything more to say that hasn't already been said.  There is no denying you are going through a rough time.  But you have a partner, and it sounds like a loving family.  Many of us don't have either.  Those are both blessings. 

I think there are many more blessings waiting for you in this life too.  Sounds like you are very overwhelmed and being very hard on yourself.  I know what that feels like.  But getting a good counselor or even someone through your ASO who can help you work through this might be a good idea instead of going it alone.

You reached out to the forum.  Now perhaps you can reach out a little further for some professional guidance.

My prayers are with you,

Jeff
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2009, 08:25:54 PM »
I've been reading your posts, and having already been reduced to utter poverty by having AIDS, I can surely understand your plight. AIDS has already stolen 3 houses and 2 cars from me, and I spent some sub-zero time in Ohio before I could get agencies to help me get the heat back on.

Others can probably advise you on how to get counseling for free (look for the nearest ASO is one suggestion) and financial assistance (go apply for welfare and food stamps is another suggestion); but I wanted to comment on a different issue:
Its not fair to them.  If I die, they could get some of it back from my estate.  Not like its a lot or worth fighting over, But my partner would be able to get start over.
You just don't understand how incorrectly you are perceiving your situation.

Twice now, with two separate long-term partners, I been pushed far below the federal poverty line as they sank into illness before finally passing again. However I would incur any amount of debt needed if I could only have them back alive. Living on disability as I have for nearly a decade, my partners and I struggled constantly with the debts; but that was nothing compared to their absence in my life. If I could, I'd incur a million dollar debt (or more!) and struggle to pay that back if only I could have either of them back - even if I could only have one of them back and only for a day.

Please think for a moment about what you wrote. How would it be "more fair" to your partner and family if you were dead? How would it be fair for them to suffer with the loss of you in their lives? In crasser terms, what's fair about leaving them the unexpected financial burden of your funeral? How is your partner supposed to continue paying the housing and utility costs if you're not there to ever contribute again?

Just how is your partner to supposed to "start over" if you're dead? Please tell me, cause I really need to know the answer to that one. My second long-term partner really did die just a little less than two yrs ago from AIDS. "Getting over" his death is nearly impossible; much less "starting over". Debt like you're talking about, is something that you and your partner can both struggle to climb out of by working and by getting assistance, all the while being together and loving each other. Losing temporary control over your life is quite difficult; but the debt you describe is nothing compared to eternal loneliness and depression in my life without my partner. If you think you're partner will somehow be better off without you, you're seriously mistaken. Instead of better off, you'll leave your partner wondering what he did wrong, how he could have done more to help you, and why you didn't love him enough to leave him like that. I wonder those things with two lost partners and they didn't even have a choice about leaving me because of the AIDS.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, because I really am worried about you. But killing yourself to "make it all go away by any means necessary" is the most selfish thing you could ever do. Plenty of people around these forums have been were you are, myself included. For example, I lost my pet store business in the early 90s as the major corps of pets smart, pet supplies plus, etc moved into town and wiped out all the small pet stores. And that happened right as my partner was getting sick and about to die of AIDS too. So I've actually been in a position worse than yours; but 17 yrs later I'm still alive and hanging in there. Plenty of us have made the struggle and gotten on with our lives. In those 17 years that I managed to get through after losing my business, my partner, my money, my dignity and very nearly my life (from PCP), I've struggled and moved on - why I even fell in love again (Woohoo!) and started another business.

Obviously, you've fallen into some hard times, and you're "allowed" to be worried, depressed, and concerned. Don't think that I'm ignoring that you are definitely having problems. Problems can be handled and things can be done to improve even the worst situations. But to think that your death is somehow going to benefit anyone, much less your partner, well, that's not true, and you need to look for another solution. You really need to re-examine your whole situation, preferably with outside help that can give you an honest opinion about other alternatives. Please don't do anything rash, until you've contacted an ASO, a suicide hot line, your local human services office. There are plenty of other options to choose besides the choice that would leave your partner alone and bereft.

As I frequently opine, there's only one problem that can't be solved and that's death. Anything else can be solved, or at least made better; but it's always going to take hard work and patience. You may have to have the patience of Job, and you may have to work your ass off; but YOU can make things better.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Best wishes to you as you start off 2010 getting things back together in your life!
Michael
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline buffaloboy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2009, 06:42:36 AM »
Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #15 on: December 30, 2009, 08:04:32 AM »
Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

So what do you suggest his family do?  I mean so they won't seem so selfish in trying to keep him around... perhaps wrap a 38 special in some nice Santa Claus wrap and tell him to use the den?  Buffoonboy, usually when someone speaks of suicide it is a cry for help....you're not helping.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2009, 11:07:53 AM »
but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.'
did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)

IF ga1964 would do something that drastic, he would not be helping his partner, as he was suggesting that his suicide would do, but leaving a world of mess for his partner to clean up after him (and I'm talking about financial and day-to-day stuff, not a literal mess hopefully). I pointed out that leaving his partner to figure out how to pay the bills on his own would be a selfish act not a helpful act. Trust me, I know. My partner died and it hasn't been very "helpful" for my situation - in fact quite the opposite.

IF you had even bothered to read ga1964's post, you would have read that he's having a lot of tough issues right now, and is looking for some helpful way to fix things. Things are so tough, and the future is so cloudy for ga1964, that he seems to think that somehow suicide would be a helpful way to fix everyone's problems, not just his own. But while suicide will stop him from dealing from his problems, it sure isn't a way to fix everyone else's problems. His death would only increase their problems, and I don't think that's is what he really wants to have happen.

Skeebo had it right, Buffoonboy, you aren't helping.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #17 on: December 30, 2009, 12:40:23 PM »
Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

Selfish to try to stop someone from killing themselves?  How about responsible, and loving?  Geesh. ::)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2009, 01:07:26 PM »
May I respectfully suggest the OT discussion take it to a new thread?  This thread is about one person and the focus should stay there.  Thanks.
String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline buffaloboy

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #19 on: December 30, 2009, 01:56:01 PM »
did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)

Yes, I did read your entire post, and my comment still stands.

And referring to me as 'buffoonboy', just because you disagree with my opinion, is both childish and inflammatory. We will never all agree on the various issues that are raised in these forums - that's the nature of discussion - but one would hope people can feel free to post their views without fear of being mocked, or name-calling.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2009, 02:08:20 PM by buffaloboy »

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #20 on: December 31, 2009, 01:29:32 AM »
Thank you all for the love you are sending me.  It is appreciated. I have read everyones post and have taken a lot of it to heart.  I am trying to see a bright spot, but feel lost in an abyss of darkness.  I have lost the energy to fight.  I get so tired at times that I don't want to crawl out of bed.  I wish this was just a nightmare that I could wake up from and my life would be back to the way it use to be.  I know that it will never happen and this nightmare is now what I must call life.  I don't know if I can keep my sanity in this mess of a life that I have created.

I use to see a future of growing old with my partner and being able to enjoy new adventures in our "Golden Years".  All that seems to be an unattainable fantasy now.  With all the expenses that have come with "maintaining" this disease, all I see is a future of working my ass off just to give it to doctors and drug companies.  I threw away a good life and now I have this life that I don't want to have to suffer through.  I would like to be able to see some sort of future that I could be happy again, right now I can't. 

I appreciate everybodys thoughts weather they seem pos. or neg.  We all have different opinions and see things from different perspectives.  Buffaloboy's post has its validity.  I do believe that everyone should have the right to say when they want to throw in the towel.  I have always said that if the only way for me to stay "Alive" meant being attached to a machine in a bed for the rest of my life, unplug the machine and let me go.  I don't want to run up a huge debt that I will not be able to pay back.  If I'm going to be paying for someones BMW, Benz, etc., I want it to be mine not some doctor's.

Once again, Thanks to everyone that has taken time to leave your thoughts.     

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #21 on: December 31, 2009, 05:45:03 AM »
Ga, because right now it seems like an "abyss of darkness," that doesn't mean that's the way it's going to be forever.  The situation you're in right now, and I know you can't see this, is temporary.  If you would only get ahold of someone at your ASO, I think they would be able to help you come up with some solutions.  The possibilitiy of you growing old with your partner is very good.  Of course, it's up to you whether or not this happens, but I know it can.  You don't have to think of the future as being "forever."   Take things only at one day right now.  Just make small goals for the day, and start from there.   Or, just take things an hour at a time.  Those hours will grow into days, days into weeks etc. 

I don't blame you for not wanting to pay for someone else's luxury car.  Again, I urge you to talk to someone who can help you sort through everything.  To try to do it on your own is overwhelming, especially when you can only see a very bleak future.  You need to talk to a neutral party, someone who's not in a bad spot, and has the capacity to help you.  Please don't try to do it on your own.

About the "wanting to throw in the towel" thing... in the situation you described, yes, it would be very valid to not want to live the rest of your life on a machine, with no possibility of recovery.  But, if there's the possiblity of living a long life, with temporary problems, then no, I don't think that's the right time to make the decision to end one's life.  It's not fair to the family, or friends, and not to the individual who's contemplating ending his (or her) life.  I've been in those dark spots, not thinking things would get better.  And I cannot tell you the hell I put people through trying to end my life.  I wasn't seeing things clearly, and I didn't reach out.  Life isn't 100% peaches and cream, but things do pass.  You need to hang in, come hell or high water, and fight for what you want.  You can do it.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2010, 11:34:20 PM »
Sorry I have been on in a couple of days.  I have been having trouble sleeping lately.  Twice I was up till 4am. so the other night I took something to help me sleep and I was out for about 14hrs, then it took all I could to get out of bed and face the day.  My plumbing problem still has not been fixed, so I have not had a shower in 2 days. 

I know they say, God will not put more on you than you can handle, but I need him to back off right now.  I'm wearing thin and I need some peace or I don't know what I will do.  I am going to call my ASO tomorrow and see if she can find some assistance for me.  I will post what I find out as soon as I hear something. 

Thank you for all the advice and love.

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #23 on: January 05, 2010, 01:41:02 PM »
ga1964,
I too wish for better days and we have to have faith they will come. I too have been so depressed that I miss a shower or two but I figure I am in my room, meaning don't sweat the small stuff( it really does help) cause in the grand scheme of things it's all small stuff that we didn't think, didn't want,but now that we have to we deal as best we can. Your best is all anyone can expect from you and however  it ends up hold your head high,back straight and walk proud into whatever future you can make.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #24 on: January 05, 2010, 08:19:06 PM »
Ga, I just want to say that you need to keep bothering the ASO until they do help you.  I'm not saying you won't have a good experience the first time-but if you're not satisfied, don't give up. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #25 on: January 07, 2010, 12:10:32 PM »
I met with my case worker yesterday and she was very kind and supportive.  She is trying to get me some assistance to help with my bills.  She gave me some gift cards for food and gas till they can get the assistance started.  I will have to get records to prove how bad things have gotten financially to get me qualified.  Hopefully I will be able to qualify.  I will keep posting as things move along. 

Once again,  Thanks to all for your compassion and willingness to help me see through the darkness and giving me the strength to hold on till I can see a light hope.  All of your thoughts and prayers have helped more than I can express. 

Thank you all.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #26 on: January 07, 2010, 12:42:25 PM »
She gave me some gift cards for food and gas till they can get the assistance started.
I'm so glad to hear that you took a pro-active step and got some results that helped. I've still been thinking about you and sending "good vibes" you're way. Now, don't get too discouraged if things don't move along fast, because I think sometimes all these services are just designed to go as slow as possible to scare you or wear you down. Hopefully when some of this financial pressure is relieved, you'll be able to take some time and talk with a counselor about your depression - and confide in your partner about how low you were so he can be there to help you more in your tough times.

I'm hoping that some more good help is on the way to you soon. Keep us informed! There are plenty of people here who have applied for all sorts of assistance and might have even more venues and options for you. It's always an option to tell us about where you live and maybe there's someone here from that area that'll know some specifics for you ;)

hugs,
mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2010, 12:54:55 PM »
Thanks for the update Ga . I am so happy you had the courage to share your current situation with us . It is a reminder to me to be thankful for each day I am given and not take good times for granted along with bad . 

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #28 on: January 07, 2010, 03:23:04 PM »
Ga, that's great news!  Just keep at it.  Sometimes the caseworkers get so bogged down, they "forget" what exactly they need to do.  You just remind your caseworker, and keep going forward.  :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #29 on: January 08, 2010, 08:36:58 AM »
GA, it's very good to read that you found a responsive person at the ASO. Fingers crossed that you get the help you need and deserve.

I know you find it very objectionable to be accepting help from your loved ones. But you know, sometimes it is a gift to them to be of service to you as someone they love and are glad to have in their lives. Ebb and flow in this life. Giving and receiving. Receiving and giving. Ebb and flow.

Anyway, I'm glad there are signs you maybe getting help.

Cheers. 
Andy Velez

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #30 on: January 08, 2010, 01:00:27 PM »
Thanks of all the caring and support.  I will be going back to follow up on some of the programs they are trying to get me into on Monday.  Wish me luck that it will go smoothly.  I will keep posting as things progress.  I have been feeling a little better thanks to all that have responded.  I will never be able to express how much it has helped me.  God bless you all.

Offline jm1953

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2010, 06:19:28 AM »
Good for you!!!!!!  Keep up the good work, and keep us up to date here on the forum with your progress. 

I'm glad the forum helped you in going out and getting some help. 

Good luck!!!!!

JM
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #32 on: January 18, 2010, 09:23:01 AM »
GA, just checking in to see how things are going.

How's the sleep thing going? Not sleeping enough can definitely put a darker cloud on things.

Best to you.
Andy Velez

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #33 on: January 19, 2010, 12:24:27 AM »
Ga,
Very good news and your good news gives hope for us all. You have the strength to push through hard times. GREAT!

Offline TabooPrincess

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2010, 06:19:42 AM »
I'm going through a similar situation with money and things breaking etc - and I've got a baby to think of now too.  I found myself laughing hysterically the other day and asking the universe how much more shit it wanted to throw at me, then I got angry and shouted 'COME ON THEN, BRING IT ON!!!' and somehow it helped..
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2010, 02:41:22 PM »
Thanks to all for helping me get through the holidays. 

Just when I started feeling like things were getting better, the other shoe has dropped.  I got a call from the ADAP Rep. in Atl. yesterday telling me that they did not receive my requallifing package from my new caseworker yet and they have not sent a check to pay my insurance premium for this quarter.  My insurance ran out on Jan. 20th and I can't get my meds now.  Of course, the call came in after 5:00pm., so I had to wait till this morning to call my caseworker.  I called my caseworker and informed her.  I'm still waiting on her call back to get this straightened out.

I called my insurance company to let them know what was going on (like they really give a damn).  They told me they could not do anything until they received my premium and if they did not get it by Feb. 15th, I would be dropped.  I explained to them that ADAP would sent them the premium as soon as they got the paper work together.  All the insurance rep. said, was to get it in before Feb. 20th.  Now I'm freaking out, that not only, can I not get my meds for this month, but I might lose my insurance if this paper work does not get turned in in time.  Every since my diagnosis, they have been trying to find a way to terminate my policy.  I don't know what to do.

I get so tired of people that can't seem to do there jobs properly.  I know that my caseworker is new in this office, but I would think that my last case worker would have gotten her up to speed on everything.  My old caseworker still works in the same office, Just in a different department, so I can't understand why they can't work together until this new caseworker can learn all the things that have to be done to keep me qualified with ADAP, so they can keep my insurance up to date.  Every quarter I have to go through hoops just to get my insurance to cover the expenses they are supposed to, even when they get my premium on time.  I get so sick and tired of the hassles.  My insurance company creates so much stress for me, I begin to wonder if its all worth it. 

My ID tells me to try and not get stressed out, because it can have an bad impact on my health, but I can't help getting stressed out when I have to fight hell and high water with my insurance company every quarter.  It's just one more reason to think it would be better to just put and end to it all. I hate the way I get treated by my insurance company so much, I would like to go to their main office with a gun and mow them all down.  All they fucking care about is getting my premium.  I wish they could be as concerned about doing there part as much as they care about getting their money.  I know its not just them, but it is the Insurance racket itself.  Why the government does not force insurance companies to uphold to the promises that are made by their agents is beyond me, other than the fact that our government represents big corporate, instead of representing the people, like it is supposed to be.

I believe that "Health Reform" should start with making these insurance companies to uphold to the promises that they tell you when selling you a policy and not letting them back track after they get your money.  Of course, I know that the government will not do anything because the insurance companies have big lobby groups to protect them and keep the government on their side, so once again, the people get fucked and our government could not give two shits about it.

Sorry for the foul language, but I get hotter the more I think about it.  Why is it too much to ask that our government protect the people instead of the insurance companies?  It makes me want to set up a date with my .38.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2010, 03:13:06 PM »
I got a call from the ADAP Rep. in Atl. yesterday telling me that they did not receive my requallifing package from my new caseworker yet and they have not sent a check to pay my insurance premium for this quarter.  My insurance ran out on Jan. 20th and I can't get my meds now.  Of course, the call came in after 5:00pm., so I had to wait till this morning to call my caseworker.  I called my caseworker and informed her.  I'm still waiting on her call back to get this straightened out.
sorry to hear about this new turn of events. Although based upon some of my own situations, instead of turning to a gun, my advice is that you're going to have to become more pro-active in your case. Unfortunately good case workers are just about nonexistent. (sorry to any case workers out there; but that is how it seems from this end of the situation) You will find yourself in situations like this again and again as you deal with the American health care system, social services and insurance agencies.

In moving to SC from OH, it took 15 (!!!) phone calls over three months to get OH to discontinue my medicaid status so that SC could pick it up. It was only because I had stashed away a 3 month supply of meds that I did not go that 3 months without meds. and this is after "being in the system" for a decade. You'll just have to learn to follow up, follow up, and follow up with pestering phone calls each time this sort of thing needs to be handled. It took 6 years before my OH medicaid worker quit xeroxing my birth certificate every time I had an appt. Many times these case workers will tell you that it's the policies they have to go by or that they are burdened by a huge workload. I don't know. I just know that I can be johnny-on-the-spot with all the required paperwork and still have issues - until I micro-manage the situation, as well I should be doing as it's my very health and life (because of the meds) that we are talking about.

I have some suggestions too about being pro-active. Keep records. I document the time and length of my calls, who I spoke with, what we spoke about, and exactly what they said they were going to do. Be Persistant. I finally got my OH to SC case fixed by calling EVERY day for 7 business days until I actually received a "termination notice" from OH that I could take to the SC medicaid office. Be Polite. Each day I called, I politely explained each date that someone had "promised" to send out such letter and had not followed through. I politely explained that the situation was causing a serious health issue by not having my meds (of course, I had my stock pile; but I didn't tell them that)(oh, and don't be surprised if they don't care that the "mistake" could cause you great harm by going without meds or medical care. Those disembodied voices on the phone really don't care about that at all). Though they are supposed to help you, I'm a firm believer that if you're bitchy, your paperwork could get "lost" or end up on the bottom of the stack, and that's not what you want to have happen.

I get so tired of people that can't seem to do there jobs properly....Every quarter I have to go through hoops just to get my insurance to cover the expenses they are supposed to, even when they get my premium on time.  I get so sick and tired of the hassles.  My insurance company creates so much stress for me, I begin to wonder if its all worth it. 
Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).

But of course it's worth it! Every little bit of hassle is worth it as long as it results in me having the meds that keep me alive. In the grand scheme of things, having these issues, while they can seem overwhelming on occasions, are a small price to pay to literally continue to stay alive.

Hang in there! ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2010, 03:36:26 PM »

  I've experienced the hassles of dealing with ADAP in the past and like you had to fret as to whether or not I would be getting my meds.  I cannot for the life of me wonder what the additional stress of the insurance issues you are experiencing are doing to you mentally.  Curse all you want, because I feel your F'ing frustration man  For what it is worth, I am sorry you are going through this, however this is the short term.  As unbearable as it seems this is something you must deal with now.  Will it be like this next year?  Who knows, but I would like for you to stick around to find out.. once again this is so short term.

  It makes me angry that you have to go through this.  It is one of the many failures of our system.  You don't deserve this one bit, but at the same time you have to understand this is nothing personally against you.  I know you already know that though.

Sorry for the foul language, but I get hotter the more I think about it.  Why is it too much to ask that our government protect the people instead of the insurance companies?  It makes me want to set up a date with my .38.
This is just a suggestion and I say this to you humbly.  After I was diagnosed I took my two 9 mm's and pawned them.  I knew them things were in shaky hands.

Hang in there bud.  This comes from someone who was about to blow his brains out one night and was interrupted by the dreaded Mtd and his wanting to discuss the book Weights and Measures which undoubtedly fascinated me at the time.

Please keep fighting the good fight, I really believe you still have more left in you and there are better days ahead.

  Sincerely,

  Thomas
« Last Edit: January 27, 2010, 03:38:12 PM by skeebo1969 »
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2010, 05:06:10 PM »
Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 

You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)

Seriously, I know the frustrations and wish you the best.
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #39 on: January 27, 2010, 05:07:20 PM »
Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 
You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)
ROFLMAO that's great advice.  ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


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Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #40 on: January 27, 2010, 05:13:29 PM »
Matty the Damned thinks it's important to identify what's going down here.

The OP does not really want to die. What he wants is change in his life. Striking and fundamental change. Death often serves as a metaphor for change. Particularly with the depressed.

Entirely understandable given the circumstances. Much of the advice given to you here is excellent and I won't repeat it. Your responses indicate that you think so too.

Understand that this miserable veil will lift with time. I suspect that time is closer than you might think.

MtD

Offline Life

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2010, 01:00:51 AM »
Ga,  I watched my partner die from a slow form of suicide 90 days ago.   That picture will be with me until the day I die.  My mother, my sister and brother were there with all of his friends as his heart beat its last beat.....   Seeing his Dad and Mother at 86 years old and trying to explain how their 49 year old son is no longer part of their lives was something I never wish to repeat.  Things were not as bad as he evidently felt they were.   It was because he could not talk out his feelings or share what concerned him the most in my mind.   This has affected 100's of people that he touched in his life time.   He helped so many, but could not help himself.  Find the courage to just live today.   Find the strength in others if you cannot find it in yourself.   Do not continue to follow a road that ends.   Choose to live, choose to fight.   Do not act,  you can think, but do not act.   Depression is a serious game and I know, I have felt all the feelings you have.   I have thought things out and how I would end it.   Then I play the tape to its final outcome and find that I have hurt the ones I love the most.   I can understand if your body was giving out and the end was truly near, but for you, that is not the case.   This can be fixed in time.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon.    Do not deprive your partner of the precious gift you have given him of being together.   Do not put him through what I am having to go through.   Please...

Eric

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #42 on: January 28, 2010, 03:34:08 AM »
I waited till 3:00 pm. for my caseworker to call me back, so I called her to see what progress had been made.
She told me that ADAP was emailing her to forms that are  needed.  I've got an appointment to see her Friday morning to sign them all.

Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).

I understand that there will always be paper work to fill out every year to get assistance, I just wish it wasn't like pulling teeth to re-qualify.  I know I'm not their only case, but I rely on them to tell me what they need from me, so I can get it to them on time.  I took my premium notice to my new caseworker the first week of Dec. when I got it and told her if she needed anything, to let me know and I would get it to her.  Now almost 4 weeks later, ADAP is calling to tell me that they need more paperwork.  Its like they don't communicate with my caseworker.  I don't know if I can handle dealing with this for 15 yrs., or even if I want to, if only 2 of the 15 yrs. are going to be hassle free. 

I know there will be snags here and there, but its ridiculous that they wait till the last second to tell me that there are more forms to be filled out. Every quarter I worry, Will I lose my insurance, because of someones incompetence in Atl..  Its like they don't care, its not their life at stake. 


Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 

You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)

Seriously, I know the frustrations and wish you the best.

Yes, the insurance company may win, but I would no longer have to deal with them.

Eric,

My deepest sympathy to you for your loss.  I happened to be reading your post while you were writing on mine.  I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through.   I have been with my partner for 26 yrs. and I don't want to cause him the pain you are in, but I am so exhausted dealing with all of this.           





Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2010, 07:07:33 PM »
Ga, I understand your frustration, believe me I do. I've been dealing with government agencies for 16 years.  And what I"ve found out is, I have to fight.  And I have to fill out papers.  And I have to make calls.  All worthy sacrifices in the big picture.  If you want the best care you can have, you've got to fight for it.  And I know you can.  Trust me, if I can, you can also.  And things will get better.  You're just getting used to all this; sooner or later, it will be old hat.  Just keep pushing, and things will get better.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #44 on: January 30, 2010, 04:12:35 PM »
Hi everyone,

I wanted to give and update to all of you that have given me your support and care.  I went to see my caseworker Friday, she was able to get me a 30 day supply of Atripla till she can get my re-qualification approved.  She also got me approved for an assistance program with the manufacturer for the next year.

I can't thank you all enough for support and encouragement.  Sometimes I feel so alone, then I come here and it lifts some of the isolation. 

Thank you everyone.

Offline BT65

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #45 on: January 30, 2010, 09:03:11 PM »
That's great news, Ga.  Please keep us informed of what's going on with you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #46 on: February 02, 2010, 07:47:33 PM »
Late as usual...

Sounds as if your prospects are getting better so I hope the current course continues on the same lines.  Having some support, whether from friends, family, or strangers, is almost always a positive step.  Good luck!

Please keep checking in here to let us know how well you're doing... or whatever but I'll think optimistically for once in my life.
String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





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Offline ga1964

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #47 on: February 19, 2010, 01:53:05 PM »
Hi all,

I found out this week that I did not qualify for financial assistance to help with mortgage and Utilities.  Due to the fact that I live in the same building that I work in, and its classified as commercial and not residential.  So, now I'm 2 mos. behind on my mortgage and I'm not sure how I'm going  to get it paid.  The bank left me a message yesterday that I needed to call them, probably to tell me I'm going to get evicted or they want to re-po my truck. 

I don't know what to do.  If they take my truck and evict me I'll have no home, no business, and no ride.  Whats the point of going on?  Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of fighting to keep my head above water.  I just want some peace and calm.  I don't have money to pay for my meds, so I have stopped taking some of them.  I don't eat lunch to cut expenses.  I don't go anywhere to keep from using the gas I have left in my truck.   I'm so tired, that I want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up.  The constant feeling of emptiness, like I had a hole in my chest, and every bit of my soul is pooring out onto the floor.  The pain and the emptiness is getting to be more than I can take.  I want it all to stop, one way or another. 

Offline Alain

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #48 on: February 19, 2010, 02:11:09 PM »
I don't know what to do.  If they take my truck and evict me I'll have no home, no business, and no ride.  Whats the point of going on?  Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of fighting to keep my head above water.  I just want some peace and calm.  I don't have money to pay for my meds, so I have stopped taking some of them.  I don't eat lunch to cut expenses.  I don't go anywhere to keep from using the gas I have left in my truck.   I'm so tired, that I want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up.  The constant feeling of emptiness, like I had a hole in my chest, and every bit of my soul is pooring out onto the floor.  The pain and the emptiness is getting to be more than I can take.  I want it all to stop, one way or another. 

GA,

Its a rough ride, especially when issues are piling up. Not diminishing what you are going through. But many of us have been there too.

Call your case manager and tell them what is happening. I am sure that the business/residential issue can be iron out.

Call the bank and make an appointment. Tell them exactly what's going on. I am sure that they can help you in some ways.

Try, just try to see one issue at the time, as it is so overwhelming to look at everything at the same time.

Don't despair, you have come all this way and I believe that you can make it.

One way or another; Yes! Like many of us. Hang in there.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want to die.
« Reply #49 on: February 19, 2010, 03:21:37 PM »
Try, just try to see one issue at the time, as it is so overwhelming to look at everything at the same time.
Don't despair, you have come all this way and I believe that you can make it.
One way or another; Yes! Like many of us. Hang in there.
good words there Alain! ;)
Take 'em to heart GA :-*

I just sent you a humungous PM ;D about why taking only part of your meds is a terrible idea (can lead to resistance without enough med in your system)  to how it legally takes about 90 days until a sheriff can physically evict you (so you do have some time).

however there a few questions you might answer here to see if anyone else has some advice.

What's the deal with your housing? Do you and your partner not live together? If so, what's going on with his "half" of the money. If not, maybe it's time to consider co-habiting. ;) :-*

and what's the deal with your meds? I thought you were trying to RE-qualify for ADAP helping cover the meds. Did you get more income of something to now NOT qualify?

hang in there buddy!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


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