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Author Topic: Depression, thy name is me  (Read 2168 times)

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Offline Outspoken

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Depression, thy name is me
« on: August 16, 2009, 02:18:43 PM »
Let me start this post by addressing the morons who come to this site seeking advice; the morons with your "fingering a CSW with a paper-cut," or "dry-humping another guy," or "putting on a used condom in a bathroom while no one was watching," or "deep kissing," or "sharing a drink with an AIDS patient."

STOP POLLUTING THE THREAD-SPACE WITH YOUR RIDICULOUSLY INANE, AND UNEDUCATED NONSENSE!!!

I know the mods, and other respected members on this site would never say as such, but your idiotic ramblings have to be a burden to them, and a detriment to the community as a whole... especially to those of us who actually engaged in a moderately high risk situation (unprotected vaginal sex).

This is solely my opinion, and it does not reflect the opinions of anyone else on this site (I'm assuming).

Sorry for my mini-rant.

Okay, so on May 23rd I strayed from my girlfriend of 3 years with another woman I met at my college. I live in Orlando, FL (Orange County... apparently, judging by the HIV incidents map, a hot-bed for infection rates).

The incident began protected, and lasted as such for about 30 minutes, before it moved to being unprotected for approximately 10 minutes. Therefore, my risk is unprotected vaginal sex.

Now, onto my story, and why this will prove to be rather cathartic for me, and why I hope you will bear with me as I vent everything I'm feeling (I'll make it as brief as possible).

This female was 23 years old, well-to-do, but had a few unprotected incidents before me (so I had sex with everyone she did). She laid claim to a vigorous health checkup routine, which involved gyno visits, and doctor's appointments after each encounter... which is all well and good, except for the fact that HIV can go undetected if not tested for AFTER the window period.

And yet, even knowing all this (I had a good five year run of being a MASSIVE hypochondriac, worrying about everything from a cold to cancer... including HIV. In fact, during that time, I became what I know today as a person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder), I still engaged in unprotected sex (I guess my "other" head took over).

Unfortunately for my current girlfriend of 4 years, I, at first, didn't take the possible risk too seriously. You see, my g/f trusts and loves me with all her heart. Before we got together, we made sure that neither of us were bringing any unwanted "guests" into the relationship. So, we both waited until AFTER 3 months from our previous partners and got tested for everything under the sun. We were both negative.

I ended up having unprotected sex with her a few times before I REALLY started worrying... which leads me to where I'm at, mentally, right now: massively worried and depressed.

A couple of weeks, definitely within her window period, after the last time we had unprotected sex, we went to the beach. Before this trip, she complained of generalized weakness, and a feeling of malaise. She shrugged it off, since her mom is a nurse, and she, quite frankly, doesn't worry about her health as much I do about mine.

We get to the beach, and she sprays on some Coppertone sun-block (she's a NY Puerto Rican with dark skin). We stay out there for a while, then come home. A few days after that, the weakness is still there and now she complains of a lightly scratchy, slightly sore throat. Which then escalates to full-body, itchy HIVES. Okay, consider me freaked out.

Incidentally, this isn't the first time she's had hives... and maybe the timing of us going to the beach and her using a sun-block she'd never tried before could be factors... but not in my mind. Because, a week after that incident, she came down with a 24 hour bug (congestion, weakness, overall feeling crappy). THEN, a week and half after that, she comes down with what, I suppose could be described as, a stomach virus (weakness, fatigue, slight fever for a couple of days, nausea, vomiting [only twice], and a little congestion).

Okay, now I'm off the deep-end.

Look, the way I figure it, if I acquired the virus from my encounter, I can live with that. I will man-up and do what I must to maintain my health (even without a job or insurance). However, if my g/f acquired the virus from me, even after trusting me, and showing nothing but unconditional love to me, and never giving me a REAL reason to cheat in the first place (you can call me a scumbag, if you so choose)... then I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself (sorry, I know that comes off VERY melodramatic).

She still doesn't know how she feels about me cheating on her (I confessed, obviously). However, she knows FULL WELL how she would feel if she acquired the virus from me, and she would leave me in a heartbeat... which I wouldn't blame her in the slightest. Hell, she'll probably leave me even if she's negative, simply for the fact that I betrayed her trust... and again, I don't blame her. I'm lucky enough she stuck around for this long.

So, in summation (finally... I feel sorry for you if you got to this point) I'm in a bad place right now. Which sucks because my life is finally starting to look up for once (a possible job offer to work as a TV show writer at a local network in Jacksonville, and a possible movie deal in the works for one of my scripts [could you tell I was a writer?]).

But that would be my karma; dangling an escape from the obscurity and mediocrity that is my life, only to have it potentially eaten by fate if she leaves me. And I know my life wouldn't be over if I tested positive, I'm not THAT ignorant... but, the struggle would be hard, and the fact that I'd be going through it without her would make it unbearable (again, melodramatic, I know).

I'm nearing my 3 month mark, which is what I've been waiting for so I only have to get ONE test if it's negative, then never worry about it again (until the next time I have unprotected sex).

Please feel free to leave any questions, comments or concerns. I will respond, but will definitely report back once I get my test done. Thanks for taking precious time out of your day to read my post. I really do appreciate it.

« Last Edit: August 16, 2009, 02:43:30 PM by Outspoken »

Offline Outspoken

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  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2009, 02:22:40 PM »
Quick aside to the beginning of my initial post: to the people who come on looking for answers regarding possible exposures by needle-stick, or other occupational hazards, I was NOT referring to you in my mini-rant.

I was referring to the people who had NO RISK scenarios.

Offline Outspoken

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  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2009, 02:41:23 PM »
I'm sorry, just one last thing:

The woman I slept with, she was going through some health issues (some kind of congestion, and taking antibiotics) before we slept together. I know that's doesn't change anything, seeing as how symptoms, or lack thereof, do not indicate HIV status... but I just want to make sure I get everything off my chest.


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2009, 03:11:55 PM »
OK. First of all, it's not your place to be going off on the merits or lack of from others who post here. Don't do it again or you will find yourself getting into difficulties with the site.

All you need to do is talk about your own situation, which you have at some length. The bottom line in all of what you have written is that you had unprotected intercourse. That means you do have to get tested. You need a negative at 13 weeks to be certain of your negative status. You can if you wish initially test at 6 weeks. A negative at that point is highly unlikely to change to positive.

HIV is significantly harder to accomplish from female to male than the other way around. You had a single possible exposure. The odds are significantly in your favor that you will test negative. In the meantime until you get a negative result you need to be using condoms if you have intercourse with your gf.

Neither any symptoms you may have nor any of hers which  you are nervously observing mean anything as far as accurately knowing HIV status. And nothing you have reported of hers is suggestive of HIV.
Andy Velez

Offline Outspoken

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  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2009, 03:22:35 PM »
OK. First of all, it's not your place to be going off on the merits or lack of from others who post here. Don't do it again or you will find yourself getting into difficulties with the site.

All you need to do is talk about your own situation, which you have at some length. The bottom line in all of what you have written is that you had unprotected intercourse. That means you do have to get tested. You need a negative at 13 weeks to be certain of your negative status. You can if you wish initially test at 6 weeks. A negative at that point is highly unlikely to change to positive.

HIV is significantly harder to accomplish from female to male than the other way around. You had a single possible exposure. The odds are significantly in your favor that you will test negative. In the meantime until you get a negative result you need to be using condoms if you have intercourse with your gf.

Neither any symptoms you may have nor any of hers which  you are nervously observing mean anything as far as accurately knowing HIV status. And nothing you have reported of hers is suggestive of HIV.

Thanks for the reply Andy, but like I prefaced with my original post: those were my opinions on those who post on this site.

My apologies in the meantime though.

As far as having sex with my g/f, we haven't in about 2 months. I'm nearing my 3 month mark, and I didn't want to test until after said time so I knew my absolute status. And she certainly doesn't want to have sex with me until after... assuming she decides to stay with me.

And like I said, this post was purely cathartic. I didn't have anywhere else to turn, to really vent how I was feeling. I know my risk, I know I need to test. That's that.

Thanks again for the reply.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2009, 05:07:38 PM »
Well, needing to vent in a safe place is very understandable. I'm glad we are able to provide that for you.

Odds are that  you are going to test negative. Keep us posted and good luck with the test.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline Outspoken

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2009, 07:18:32 PM »
Quick question, Andy (or any other respected member): I have about 4 days left until I get to my 90 day mark, which of course would be 3 months post exposure. If I took a test tomorrow, would those results be considered conclusive, or would I have to wait the 4 more days?

Because here's the thing; I understand symptoms aren't reliable in assessing HIV status... I get that. That's the reason why I don't worry about anything that I'm feeling.

But my g/f is sick AGAIN (3rd time in a month and a half). I'm more worried about her, than I am myself. And we haven't had sex for about 2 months...

But oh well, I'm just venting again. Excuse me. If you could just comment on whether or not a test tomorrow would be absolutely conclusive instead of waiting 4 more days, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again. And I apologize again for making a general statement about the types of threads that are made here.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2009, 10:00:40 PM »
Out,

Give it a rest. You're no better than the people you sought to deride in your first post. You claim to not be focusing on symptoms, yet you are.

You've already been told that we expect you to test negative. There's nothing else to add to what you've already been told.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Outspoken

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  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2009, 10:03:06 PM »
Out,

Give it a rest. You're no better than the people you sought to deride in your first post. You claim to not be focusing on symptoms, yet you are.

You've already been told that we expect you to test negative. There's nothing else to add to what you've already been told.

Ann


Right on.

So then if I test tomorrow, it won't matter that it was still before 90 days? I don't have to be THAT precise, do I?

As soon as I test, positive or negative, I will post my results.

Offline Ann

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  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2009, 10:15:01 PM »
Out,

No, it's not going to make the slightest difference.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Outspoken

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2009, 03:23:00 PM »
Okay, so it's been a while (stupid paranoia and hypochondria spiral) but I finally went in for the rapid blood test, and this would be 7 months post-exposure (definitely conclusive), and it was negative.

I apologize if I offended anybody in my original posts, as I was frustrated and scared because of the situation I put myself in.

I learned my lesson after this, and WILL NOT have unprotected sex again unless with a monogamous partner who has been tested past the window period.

Thank you for your time, and for the WW's out there, USE CONDOMS AND GET TESTED.


Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 24,381
Re: Depression, thy name is me
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2009, 03:58:52 PM »
Good on that happy result. And no less good is your committment to using condoms everytime if you have sex outside of a securely monogamous relationship.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

 


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