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Author Topic: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:  (Read 3077 times)

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Offline jm1953

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  • Posts: 262
RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« on: November 22, 2009, 09:54:11 PM »
Hello Members:

Having had HIV/AIDS now for 22 years there has been much tension among my family members, meaning my sister, dad, nieces, and nephew.  My sister has basically taken advantage of her place in the family since I came out in the late 70's.  Then when I contracted HIV it has been a roller coaster.

The gist is, the family, with the exception of my dad who is 94, are now basically disowning me, I guess because ever since my sister found out there is a large estate involved when my dad passes, heaven forbid, I seem to be in the way of more riches she can inherit.  I've been extremely good to my sister and her family, taking them in when I lived in Hawaii, and lots more, but now it seems to be a constant battle if I have nothing to offer them.

My counselor and physician totally agree she has an agenda, and I can't help but feel hurt it is all about inheritance money.  My mom has passed, but I assured both mom and dad I have always been more interested in their happiness than looking at what I inherit.  On the other hand, my sister is chomping at the bit.  When we do communicate she is rude and very uncaring.  Not that I am looking for a pity party, but I have always wanted to be close to my family no matter what. 

My Dad tries as best he can, but does not like to hear when I'm sick, and generally makes me feel guilty because I am. 

I am a single man but in a long distance relationship now.  That is a positive.  But when my counselor suggests it is basically my life style, and the fact I am sick, families can be very non supportive.

Just wondering if anyone else is having any similar problems. 

As a long termer it would be great to have family members checking in every once in awhile, but at this point I've given up, and feel the healthiest thing to do is distance myself as far as possible from them.

This topic may belong in a different group, but thought I'd toss it out there.

Best to everyone,

jm1953
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline AndyArrow

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2009, 05:57:25 PM »
jim,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through with your sister.  I'm lucky in that I have a very supportive family and a sister who is a nurse that only lives a few blocks away.

My mother's boyfriend's mother (did you follow that) just passed away (she was 93) and she told certain people she was leaving them certain things but then her will is completely different and now his family are a squabbling over such petty things.   Money sometimes really is the root of all evil.  I'm sorry I don't have any help to give but just to let you know you aren't alone.

good luck,
AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2009, 10:30:47 PM »
I'm so sorry Jm that you are going through this.
 family can be so cruel when it comes to money.  I lost my partner almost 5 years ago and his family fought me all the way. It was cruel , it was nasty, but I survived it. I learned my lessons about having all the right paperwork and having A Living Trust...

My own family has given minimal support as long as I could remember. I just don't think they knew what to do with me; I came out when i was 12 and when I came out again as having AIDS later on, boy talk about avoidance.

feel free to vent here,
know that I'm thinking about you
Sharkie

Offline jm1953

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  • Posts: 262
Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2009, 04:45:25 PM »
Thank you AA and Sharkie for your posts and support.  I think, especially in committed relationships, if the will is not written in stone, some families can be extremely greedy and try to shut the surviving partner out.

I am very happy for anyone whose family are supportive and there for them regardless of any circumstance.  Unfortunately, as it turns out only my mom was really in my corner but as I posted she died 10 years ago, and part of my soul went with her.  She was my best friend and we understood each other so well.

I've learned the hard way I can't change my family, but I can change myself in how I process all this.

I think when money lurks at the end of the rainbow, love changes to greed.  That seems to be the case with my family right now.  With the exception of my elderly Dad who really sees none of this going on.  Unfortunately he is being taken to the cleaners by my sister as well, and with all the attorneys I've met with, I've tried everything in my power to set up safeguards in his estate to protect both him and I.  That is about all I can do.  But it all takes a toll on ones health, and my health has been on steady decline dealing with all of this.

Thanks again for your comments and support, and hope more will post any experiences they may be having like mine so we can help each other.

Best to you all,

jm1953
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline weasel

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2009, 09:46:09 PM »
Hey Jim !
                 I can relate !

 My partner of 28 years and I got Married in July !

 HIS  family has already told me they will  fight for MY house if BOB  dies of heart  failure !

 They ARE the most hateful witches that Satan ever created !

 For some reason they feel " THEY "   belong to everything WE have worked for for almost 30 years !

 The THREE of them have lived with FAILED marriages !  ONE found a gold pit and sucked on to him !

 The other two are very Lesbianish   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Just the fact  anyone would THINK they can just walk in and STEAL   our home is pissing me off !

 They no longer even allow me to answer MY phone !

   I wish you well !

 When a partner dies some families turn into bitches ! and steal whatever they can !

 when MY Mother died and left a fortune to me ,The " witches "  got pissed !

  Unfortunately I am stuck in Missouri !  The HATE  state !

                                          be well , stick to your guns !

                                                                      Carl

" Live and let Live "

Offline jm1953

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  • Posts: 262
Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2009, 01:12:51 AM »
Hey Jim !
                 I can relate !

 My partner of 28 years and I got Married in July !

 HIS  family has already told me they will  fight for MY house if BOB  dies of heart  failure !

 They ARE the most hateful witches that Satan ever created !

 For some reason they feel " THEY "   belong to everything WE have worked for for almost 30 years !

 The THREE of them have lived with FAILED marriages !  ONE found a gold pit and sucked on to him !

 The other two are very Lesbianish   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Just the fact  anyone would THINK they can just walk in and STEAL   our home is pissing me off !

 They no longer even allow me to answer MY phone !

   I wish you well !

 When a partner dies some families turn into bitches ! and steal whatever they can !

 when MY Mother died and left a fortune to me ,The " witches "  got pissed !

  Unfortunately I am stuck in Missouri !  The HATE  state !

                                          be well , stick to your guns !

                                                                      Carl



Carl, 

Thanks for you post.  First off congrats to you and your partner's marriage.  I guess with that or any committed relationship come the in-laws.  I'm so sorry about how they are treating you.  This has happened to a couple of friends of mine who were partnered for many years.  There's no excuse except for selfish greed and cruelty.

If it's any help, my counselor has told me to ignore my sister or just hang up when she's being evil, which is most of the time.  And to realize that most likely the hateful people won't change, but we can try to change ourselves in how we deal with them.

Unfortunately for me, I am now having to go the attorney route, which is generally how things end up in our family.  Another legal war.  By the way,  you might want to consult with an estate attorney if you haven't already to get their advice on the manner.  And make sure your partner and your estate is iron clad. 

Quite frankly, I have many times thought of getting a restraining order out on those of my family who are trying to sabotage me, and who are in effect making me sicker and sicker from the stress.

Again, good luck to you, and keep in touch,

Jeff
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2009, 12:36:30 PM »
Hey jm1953, I too don't have support form my family nor have I ever, I have fought HIV/AIDS alone for a long time, and what some of my family member's even know about HIV/AIDS could fit into my pocket, I like you share a lot of what it's like for you as well, It's nice to know that someone other than me, has almost the same problem, and thanks for bringing up this topic , although, this time of yr makes me kinda sad, that after almost 22 yrs they still feel that way  :'(

my situation is a little more advavced then your, my Mom & Dad died back in 88, and my sister took everything, and basically told me back then, too bad so sad
she also sold my parents home, and bought a 300K home, and still treats me like shit, as I live in squaller
I feel like I'm an outsider looking in, and I'm not allowed to visit her world, unless I have something to offer her and her family, she treats her non-family-member friends better than she ever treated me, if KARMA is true, she will be the one that has to deal with all of this, after I'm gone, then she'll understand......as I'm the only Twin-brother, and the only family she has left, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't be so cruel, as that just isn't in me to be that way to anyone.........there a lot more to this saga, but, it would take up way to much room for me to post all of this, but, I think by now you get the jist of it all.......
« Last Edit: December 12, 2009, 12:56:29 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline jm1953

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  • Posts: 262
Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2009, 07:59:22 PM »
Hey jm1953, I too don't have support form my family nor have I ever, I have fought HIV/AIDS alone for a long time, and what some of my family member's even know about HIV/AIDS could fit into my pocket, I like you share a lot of what it's like for you as well, It's nice to know that someone other than me, has almost the same problem, and thanks for bringing up this topic , although, this time of yr makes me kinda sad, that after almost 22 yrs they still feel that way  :'(

my situation is a little more advavced then your, my Mom & Dad died back in 88, and my sister took everything, and basically told me back then, too bad so sad
she also sold my parents home, and bought a 300K home, and still treats me like shit, as I live in squaller
I feel like I'm an outsider looking in, and I'm not allowed to visit her world, unless I have something to offer her and her family, she treats her non-family-member friends better than she ever treated me, if KARMA is true, she will be the one that has to deal with all of this, after I'm gone, then she'll understand......as I'm the only Twin-brother, and the only family she has left, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't be so cruel, as that just isn't in me to be that way to anyone.........there a lot more to this saga, but, it would take up way to much room for me to post all of this, but, I think by now you get the jist of it all.......

Dennis,

It seems as though you and I have much in common in terms of family dysfunction.  Also much in common in response to your post to the topic strange skin and kidney problems. 

Firstly, I'm sorry about your mom and dad passing in 1988.  It's never a good thing losing a parent if there is any love or closeness still shared.  As I stated in another post, my mom died in 1999, and she did get me and my illness, and wanted my happiness.  She had had many serious physical problems most of my life, and suffered from chronic clinical depression.  Since I fit both categories maybe that is why we related so well to each other.  My sister and father didn't, and I feel the isolation my mom did during her illness and depression.  She was always there for me as I was for her.

A few years before her passing she forewarned me that I should be careful because my sister wants everything in the estate because she feels she is owed it.   She is married and has three children.  She told mom since I'm gay and have AIDS I really should not get anything.  Mom told me to make it clear to her and Dad now before it was too late what I wanted.  I didn't, only because I didn't want to bicker about such stuff.  My main interest was my parents remain financially stable, healthy and happy.  I knew there was some trust money coming after my Dad passes, he is 94, and still going strong.  He could easily outlive me, but he is happy and recovered from a major stroke practically unscathed a couple of years ago which is worth all the money in the world at least to me.

The interesting thing is my sister is the Executor to my parent's estate.  I am assuming your sister might have been as well.  After seeing our estate lawyer I found out my sister being executor doe's not carry much weight as both mom and dad's estates are locked up with a trust company.  However there is some language which indicates they may not be iron clad where my sister can fight for everything.  This is why I'm seeking my own legal counselor not only to protect me, but to protect my father as he is still living as she is taking money from him left and right.  And I let his attorney know this.

Just this past year I handed over a $300,000 share of a house I inherited with my sister when a quit deed trust came due in 1998.  This only represented 30% of the appraised value.  My sister tried to screw me out of this through some bogus buy out, which my attorney said was completely illegal.  So I refused.  I moved to the property because it was in need of a ton of work, and worked my but off getting into shape for two years.  During those years my sister made life a living Hell.  Finally I said enough, my health was declining, I was completely stressed, my doctor's said let her have it you don't need this, so I did.  She was so pissed she didn't get the whole thing to begin with I think she had an agenda to ultimately force me to do this knowing my health condition and what stress can do.

So we have something in common here, except instead of her inadvertently selling a property, I gave her my share to stop the emotional blackmail.. And I'm glad I did in hindsight.  We rarely speak now, as when we did she would just demoralize me.  And she speaks terribly behind my Dad's back.  I think it will be her vindication seeing both my Dad and I gone and she get's everything.  Terrible thing to say but true.

I live very meagerly also with no communication from the family, nieces, or nephews, except my Dad.  And like you said most time when they call it is because I may be able to fulfill a need for them.  I do what i can for my Dad, but for the rest of the them, like you said, karma will come around. 

So Dennis, I know what you are going through, and know I am here to support you 100% if you need to talk or vent or whatever.  I'm sorry this has happened to both of us, because it sounds like you are a very decent guy, like I'm told I am, who just inherited a nightmare family.  I say this because I like you would never treat anyone like they treat me, especially someone with a chronic and serious illness like AIDS.

 By the way I think we both have been positive the same amount of time, diagnosed in 1987?

Also I think you and I may be going through some similar kidney and skin issues posted under a different thread under a topic I posted concerning strange skin and kidney problems. I would like very much to stay in the loop with you about your tests, as I will with mine.

Dennis, I wish you the best of everything, and in a sense I have to say it is good to know I am not the only one going through this.  We'll get through it!!!!!

With that said, keep in touch, and have a great holiday.

Hugs,

Jeff





 
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline denb45

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  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2009, 08:57:34 PM »
My sister was  the Executor to my parent's estate, it was setup that way before they died, so, I really didn't have a legal-leg to stand on, as the will was written and stated "Who should ever contest this will and it's terms shall receive 1$ so, the way it went was 1/3 and 1/3, but, we had a mentally retarded sibling on SSI, so he couldn't get his 1/3 of the estate, I did get mine, but, my sister took all of his, and her's and sold my mother's home, after kicking me outta of it after 2 yrs. then she moved in, and fixed-it-up, so she and her Husband could sell it, and they did... My Brother died in 92, so I had to make all of the funeral arrangements, as she didn't have any money to help me, she was about to move into her 300K Brand New Home, and just couldn't be bothered with any of this ??? but, I let it go and did what I have to do, we still don't talk much about any of this, and I've forgiven her for this, as I'm a forgiving man......... ;)

 So, I got screwed out of that as well, after living there for 2 yrs. before she moved in, and trying to do whatever I could to keep the place up, so, due to not being able to detest any of this, watching it all unfold, standing on the side-lines, and I couldn't do a Dam thing, not even a attorney would help me, as they all said I had no case....I don't hate my Sister are her family and Husband for this, I've forgiven them, but, I'm still treated like a 2nd class citizen for reason unknown to me and to this day, I don't really know if this is due to being Gay, and having AIDS, I'm sure it is, and every Holiday Season it makes me sad, I do still send them a card, but, I get nothing back form them, and her kids are now all grown-up now my nice is 28 now, and my nephew is 19, they know me as uncle Dennis, but, that is really the extent of our relationship  :'(

 like I said, I love them, and that's all in the past, I just don't understand WHY, after 22 yrs. I'm still an outcast to them.......that's the part that's hard to take, as I did do my part in all of this, and really didn't complain at all, as humble and forgiving as I've always been to them, but, I do understand that people don't change, and most aren't forgiving, however they are the only family I have left, as I now live in another State  about 1,300 miles away form all of them, moving out form under all that stress of dealing with the attitudes form them, my health has improved and I'm doing a lot better than I did when I still lived in the same State, City they did, I've moved on form it, and I've got on with my life ,
I feel so much better for doing this, I'm not one to hold a grudge, that just isn't a part of my personality and who I'am  ;)
« Last Edit: December 13, 2009, 09:36:16 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline lforsyth

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2009, 10:39:44 AM »
I was raised knowing that my Mom never wanted me and proved it all my childhood.  My Dad didn't know most of what happened but he always loved me.  It's a long story but I left home at 18 and never looked back.

Before my Mom died she made me promise to refinance the family home in L.A. which I did but she also had to let me know that my Brother and Niece thought that because I own my own home in AZ that I shouldn't get anything.  I didn't need anything anyway as I've always done for myself. My Dad died in the early 90's and I miss him still.

I've been positive for more than 23 years.  In January of 2000 my partner died suddenly of heart failure but his family was kind to me.  My family weren't caring at all. Two years later my Mom died and the after that my Brother died in September, favorite cousing in November and then my Uncle the next January. I was the only family that friends of my Uncle knew how to contact so I went up to Coose Bay Oregon to help bury him. My niece couldn't even bother to let the family know what happened like I asked her to.

Two month ago the niece started texting me that her husband and here were getting divorced and started leaving voice messages about how lonely she was feeling.  She has her three kids, the oldest just came out this year, he's 17. She also has her girl friends that were around when my Brother died and helped her put everything he had from the family into storage. So, I haven't responded or contacted her at all.  I hope she get's the message that I just don't care.

After burrying my uncle in Oregon I came back and went to a lawyer to start my Trust.  I've put into it that everything I have gets sold off and goes to AID's research and a local foundation that supports HIV. I was told that a Trust is better than a will and that family cannot contest it.
Tested POZ in 1986, knew there was something wrong in 1985. 04/2010 CD4: 975 Viral Load undetectable. Prezista, Norvir, Truvada, Acyclovir, Plavix, Lisinopril, Metoprolol and a bedtime snack of Lipitor (YUM)

Online Jeff G

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2009, 11:37:00 AM »
My dad who passed away October 1st a year ago . I realize now he was anticipating what would happen to me regarding his estate .

I only reconnected with him for the last 6 months of his life but we made the most of it despite him being very ill . After he died I found out he left his intire estate to me lock stock and barrel . The only thing he told me before he died about it was that things were not even with his estate and that his wish was for my older brother and I to share and share alike .

I know now why he did this . He quietly disapproved of the way my mom and brother had been treating me and forsaw things I never would have imagined would have happend after his death . Although my parents had been divorced for 30 years my mom tried to swoop in and was outraged when I would not sign over my rights to the estate to my brother and her . She insisted that since I was on disability with aids that I would die and the state would get it or that I would lose benefits from medicaid . At the time I was living in a mobile home tucked away on the back of her property barely getting by on my disability check . Within the first week of dads funeral she told me she needed me to buy the trailer she owned that I was living in . By this time she was enraged by my very presence so I just kept my cool and told her I hadn't made a decision on what to do and that the estate was in probate for six months anyway . She told me she could not wait and to go live in my dads house in a different city so she could rent out the place I was living , it really hurt my feelings badly .

I did go live in dads house until it sold and I bought one of my own that's paid for so I don't have to worry about being kicked out again . I also split the estate down to the penny and gave half to my older brother . He now treats me better than ever ;-)

I just want to add that my mom has been there for me through tough times and never let me go without when I needed help . Money makes even good people do bad things sometime .     

Offline dixieman

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2009, 12:00:02 PM »
Fortunately for me... I can not relate on my own personal experiences... My Dad and Mom were always supportive and my sisters likewise. When My Dad passed everything went to my Mom and when she passed my sisters and I split everything...

but, I have friends who have had Horrible and similar experiences... but, I did tell one friend who was complaining that he needed money... hes from one of Montgomery's upper crust families that I understood where his siblings had problems with him... He was never around EXCEPT for good times.... Never there when his mother was sick... nor when his Dad was either... and now he needs help financially all he can do is complain he's not getting any help? so what... when his Dad and Mom told his brothers and sisters to jump! they JUMPED! and how high did Dad want them to jump? they did... they stayed and let their parents dictate everything in their lives... and Now theyve been REWARDED! with lots and lots of money! my friend ran off to Atlanta and had a Gay ole time... was never around when his parents needed anything and or help... and has been left out in the cold? I'm sorry his siblins stayed and now theyve been taken care of... sometimes you get what you put out there... and he has recieved what he put out there which was nothing!

 but, I've seen the other side of the coin with others.... I am fortunate... I've always had Unconditional love from my parents and my sisters...

Offline denb45

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2009, 12:03:52 PM »
Money makes even good people do bad things sometime .    

Anit that the truth, I'm a witness to this, so many times over in my lifetime, with my Family, and my 2 dead lovers family, it get's very ugly when people think they deserve something, as soon as someone has died, and what's really sad is the family members who haven't even seen them for yrs. but , yet they still think they are entitled to something, that type of GREED is never really a good thing, it can hurt, damage and devastate someone, for the rest of their life, if my Mom, Dad, and brother knew what my Sister did, and how this all played-out, they'd roll over in their graves.

The good news in all of this, is this, my sister is the one that has to live with this for the rest of her life, cause, in the END, we all know what we've done and someday all of this will eat at my twin sister's very soul, until the day she dies , If I became a Billionaire over night, I wouldn't be so cruel, I'd still include my sister and her family despite all of the lies, and thief committed by her and her husband to my Families  Estate ,as I stated before, I'm a very forgiving person, staying mad, angry and bitter at someone, however they have wronged you in your life, really isn't very productive at all  ;)
« Last Edit: December 15, 2009, 12:28:56 PM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Online Jeff G

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2009, 12:32:27 PM »
That's a really good attitude Dennis . When all this happend with me I knew my life was going to change drastically for the better so I kept my emotions in check so as not to futher damage my relationship with my family .

Offline joejoe1972

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Re: RE: Non-supportive families of LTS:
« Reply #14 on: December 15, 2009, 10:02:51 PM »
Another side of this is I tend to look so healthy and push myself to accomplish anything i set out to do, that my family forgets that I'm sick. When i bring up any of my issues they act disinterested in discussing it or they act like I didn't say anything at all. The sad reality is that we can only truly count on ourselves to keep going, to deal with the meds and the ups and downs of this disease. Some people are blessed and very lucky to have family support. My friends have become my family and i say to everyone, friendship can be such a blessing when you have it and truly lonely when you don't.
Hiv+ since 1991, AIDS since 2001

 


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