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Author Topic: Loss  (Read 13848 times)

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Offline Life

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Loss
« on: December 07, 2009, 06:28:14 AM »
Worse than anythng I have ever felt in my entire life..

Eric

Offline bear60

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Re: Loss
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2009, 11:02:27 AM »
Eric
Everyone who loves you, including your lost partner, wants you to be well and have a happy life.

Hugs
Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2009, 12:12:13 PM »
Having lost my partner just a year and a half ago, and my other partner 14 years prior, I'm sorry I don't have any miracle answers for you Eric; but I can say that I understand. :-*

If I was to try to say anything comforting at all, it is to hang on and try. Try to move on and try to make the best of the life that YOU still have. Though the pain will never totally go away, nor this wound totally heal, as time goes by you'll adjust to the "new" life that situations have forced you into.

The only way I know now to honor Randy's and Jim's memory is to keep pushing forward every day. Through the tears and through the grief. To take up every opportunity that life offers me, and to try to not waste away one precious minute.

hugs,
mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline denb45

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Re: Loss
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2009, 12:57:17 PM »
Having lost my partner just a year and a half ago, and my other partner 14 years prior, I'm sorry I don't have any miracle answers for you Eric; but I can say that I understand. :-*


hugs,
mikie

I have to agree with Milkie, Joel, and everyone else, who lost someone here, Eric, it's always hard to loose loved ones, partners and friends, I have lost 2 partners, like mikie has, hang in there Eric things do get better, and you still have to live your life and continue to stay healthy, and find some kinda happiness, so you can recovery form your loss  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline aztecan

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Re: Loss
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2009, 11:21:11 PM »
Eric,

Like you and the others, I, too, know how the loss of a partner feels. I have rarely spoken of it with anyone, not in all the years since he died.

But even today, I feel that loss.

No magic answers. All I can say is time helped me bear the feelings of loss, but, it has never erased them.

SAD HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2009, 11:26:30 PM »
Thanks guys,  boy I am trying to push on.   You know how you plan this future that just sounds so wonderful and do-able.   We had everything laid out and financially set goals.   The thing that haunts me the most is seeing William in the hospital and seeing that last heartbeat....   I am staying sober and going to meeting after meeting, I am talking with my pastor who is a pretty good with mental health and I am getting hooked up with a greif councelor next week.   I hate these thoughts I am having,  it goes against everything I have stood for for as long as I have been clean..

I am headed off to Denver tonight after work 11pm :) and seeing my family and actually going to see a friend who "liked" me back before William.   Just for dinner mind you.   But I cannot go on living like this.   It effects my work because I look unhappy and that is not Eric.    To add to this boss of 15 years in one of the hotels I work with has given her notice and she and her husband are moving to Maui, this once less support person in my life.   But I have literally 100's of people in AA who care for me, but its still is not pulling me out of this FUCKING GREIF shit and I am getting tired of it..... Hopefully the counciling will help me put me back together again...

Love

Eric

Offline BT65

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Re: Loss
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2009, 07:01:25 PM »
Eric, do you think that because you got clean, that woul make you immune to feelings of grief?  You're still a person, who feels feelings other people do. 

I lost my first husband the first time I got clean in 1989, while in a treatment center, so I feel your pain.  I didn't know how I was going to go on, but I did.  I agree with the others, that though time doesn't erase the loss, it does get easier with passing days.  You just do what you've learned in AA:  live one day at a time.  You'll pull through, I know you will.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2009, 11:09:39 PM »
Betty thank you...  What I feel this loss has shown me the most is that my spirituality was and is not where I feel it needs to be.   I have always felt that along my X plane of exisitance was my disease of alcoholism and my Y plane is my spirituality and I always felt that it was in a pretty good curve above the X.   When I feel depression and grief,  it pules my Y plane down to the lowest points which is a slip coming.   Thankfully,  that has not happened..    I know my disease of alcoholism will kill me far faster than hiv/aids would ever and I have always beleived that....    Feeling has just pushed me into such overdrive that I am grasping and reaching out to anything and everything that the program has tought me.   I wish I could have saved William from the same disease, but I could not...  I know Alanon says 1.  I did not cause it, 2 I cannot control it, 3 I cannot cure it.   I just wish I could have better been able to help him....   From what the doctors say, the damage was way before I ever met William and maybe, just maybe I gave him a few extra years of life living with a sober guy...   At least that gives me some comfort, but it does not replace him.   

Feelings of loss will continue in my life and I have got to work so much harder on that spiritual connection for in the end,  that is what is between me and my next drunk or even worse...
Meanwhile, I go to my meetings and I talk and share from my heart and maybe this might help others including me on this journey we all are in...

Thank you each and every one of you for talking about your losses..  "This to shall pass" seems to be a recurring sentiment...

Love

Eric

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2009, 12:11:13 AM »
"This to shall pass" seems to be a recurring sentiment...
I think loss is a lot like an actual physical wound. At first, its like a fresh bleeding wound and it hurts a lot. Because it's such a severe kind of wound, it usually takes a lot of time to heal with accompanying pain. Of course, its usually also the kind of wound that's going to require therapy for the recovery process. Somewhere in the future, this wound will eventually be healed; but with scarring and phantoms pains for years to come.

It's so very hard, when the wound is fresh, to ever believe it'll be "healed" again; in a similar way that people after being caught in a tragic car accident find it hard to believe that they'll ever walk again with their recently crushed legs. Time passes, recovery happens, the wounds heals; but valuable time and confidence is lost, great effort goes into the recovery, and the wound often doesn't heal properly or completely.

best wishes to you as you struggle on through your recovery,
mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Florida69

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Re: Loss
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2009, 10:08:16 AM »
I loved that I was able to actually hear your voice, and feel your presence, as my heart aches for you and the pain that you are dealing with.  I would love to say that it will get easier, and time has a way of healing some aspects, but right now what you feel is hurt, grief and pain.  I know you, and know that you will get through this but unfortunately time is what is going to play a role. I also know that you need the support of those of us that love you, unconditionally.  Eric my dear sweet friend, you have the ability to keep a horrible disease such as alcoholism at bay, in my mind I believe that you can move mountains and you are a superman.  As I said to you last night, there is a bigger plan on the way, I know it is hard to change the game in the middle, but the one thing in life that is constant is change.  Addiction, as you know can be controlled, through the support of others.  I am not pretending that I know what it is like to be an addict, but I am from a long line of them. Life is not easily controlled, I know that I have shared this with you before, but my mom used to send me a card or note with this saying on it, just when I thought I could not move another step in life: 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

I do pray that it lifts you up and reminds you that you are indeed precious to so many of us, and you are alive and deserve that life.  Remember my friend, that you are loved; you have felt love by some of the most wonderful people.  I am always just a phone call away, and know that I carry you in my heart and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.  Much love, D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2009, 10:52:29 AM »
Beautiful in my Eyes........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRKqxSZeq4s

You are my piece of mind, in this crazy world
You are every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You are my Mona Lisa
You are my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last time
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won�t say goodbye
�Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...
« Last Edit: December 19, 2009, 11:00:52 AM by Life »

Offline bear60

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Re: Loss
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2009, 11:41:04 AM »
Eric
Hang in there Babe.  Its only for a couple of years ...................................then this gets easier.  Really.

Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2009, 02:20:31 PM »
Joel I am trying to do everything I can... Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel.  I am seeing a grief councelor on Tuesday..  I Hang with friends all the time and I do not isolate myself.  I show up for work and I do my GOD DAM jobs and try not to focus on William.   Its pretty difficult.   I do not want to slip into clinical depression.   Read the newspaper up here in Aspen yesterday and this valley has the highest suicide rate in Colorado.   Thats nice...   Can I say I have not thought about checking out and calling it a day?  Sure I have..   I keep listening to everyone who have all pointed out that in time this will get better..   I keep going back to watching William die in that hospital.  That picture had better start to fade....  "God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".   Sometimes I think God is to busy and he aint listening to me...  I sure try and listen for something down by the river or in the snowy forests I live in.   I hope these professionals can help me.  I dont want to give up.  I dont want to continue this course.   I miss William and I wish I could have changed the outcome.    Being in a group of others who have had loss may help so I am going to do that to....   I swear could I have seen this coming six years ago when we first met and made course corrections to avert this disaster in my and Williams life??   I am sure everyone is going to tell me NO.   

I will say is all I am doing is hanging on one day at a time...

Love

Eric

Offline bear60

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Re: Loss
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2009, 04:20:02 PM »
" I show up for work and I do my GOD DAM jobs and try not to focus on William. "  quote

Well, see. to me this is disfunctional behavior. 
I am not a grief counselor, but having been there and done that, I think its ok to take some time off to just be alone and focus on Will.  Focus on what you two had and where you are now. 
Its going to take seveal years, not several weeks, to get back the Eric you know will be a survivor.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2009, 05:38:23 PM »
Joel I used up all my vacation time dealing with the death...  I do not have a cash surplus to take off and want to keep my home, so at least I am greatful for being employeed.   Until I find the "next right thing" to do, I think I need to keep busy.  If I am at home, all I think about is Will, so work is not as bad as I say it is.....   I am doing everything I know to do to get through this... 

Hugs,

Eric

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Loss
« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2009, 08:40:41 AM »
((((((((Eric))))))))

Don't be so hard on yourself - grief can't be rushed. You may find some solace in reading some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's books. On Death and Dying is an excellent one to start with. EKR on Amazon

Hang in there. I know you're probably sick of hearing it, but it really does get better in time. But time is the key word - you have to give yourself that time. I'm glad you're being honest and open with your feelings. That's so much better than bottling them up and trying to pretend that everything is ok. And remember, it's ok for things to not be ok sometimes.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Moffie65

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Re: Loss
« Reply #16 on: December 20, 2009, 10:31:32 AM »
Eric, as I have said on numerous occasions; If you ask God to help you have victory over these terrible feelings of loss, have faith that God heard you, received your request and will act on it!  It is not having faith, if you then doubt him and want to prove He didn't hear you when the pain doesn't stop.  He will help you if you let go and let him. 

Please get out of the wallowing in self doubt and exercise some of that faith I know you posess.  Remember, if you ask God for a harvest, you MUST say amen with a hoe in your hand!

Love Ya,
Tim.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Loss
« Reply #17 on: December 28, 2009, 01:27:07 PM »
Eric, your idea to stay productively busy is a good one. It's not easy but it is easier than the alternative to just sink into grief.

Although the sadness of great loss is always "there," we kind of develop better muscles spiritually to cope and deal with it.

Best to you for the New Year.
Andy Velez

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2010, 06:17:08 AM »
Fake it until you make it? 

Ann I ordered the book today and I look forward to reading it.   I seem to have aquired much reading material over the course of this past month.   Thanks Tim, thank you Andy and all.   As the new year came around I put my wedding ring back on to bring William along with me into 2010.   I am not finished with all this...   I continue to share from the heart at meetings.  I continue to see my councelor weekly and I have been put on a very mild anti for now, the same as when I was diagnosed.   I hate the emptyness I feel inside.   The plans that will never be.   The life that was cut down in mid stride.   He had so much more to give.    Tim I know I have turned him over to God now and that should be that.  I should be happy Will is in Heaven (my beleif).   But I still wonder what now lie ahead for me? So I stay in today, try and do the next right thing, and stay alive... 

Love

Eric

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2010, 10:27:17 AM »
I seem to have aquired much reading material over the course of this past month. 
oh gosh, I got a chuckle out of that Eric.  ;) I remember pouring through so many self-help, grief, depression books when Randy passed away. Some were helpful. Some weren't. But a lot of them had "tricks" (like the "fake it till you make it") and assorted gems of comfort, that it was all worth the reading; but eventually I was so ready to read some good fiction and just not think about any of it for a while. I hope you get some comfort too.

As the new year came around I put my wedding ring back on to bring William along with me into 2010.
I have worn the matching ring I got with Randy since I put in on 6 months before he passed away. And now I have a second (and nearly matching one) on top of that, that was Jim's ring.  :-*

You know they're really never gone as long as we remember them, so there's nothing wrong in keeping momentos around to remind us of them. ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2010, 01:30:59 PM »
Eric,
Beautiful in my eyes, I know there is something good in you cause you have nice musical taste. I remember when my best friend Michael died in the hospital,this guy who would laugh hysterically with me for an hour about nothing,I had been in his room 36 straight hours and when I went out to buy a soda he died. I came back and they said he passed and my heart was feeling like it was literally ripping. I was not prepared for the emotional damn that burst we were best friends but I came unglued with grief and could have easily lost control. I still don't no how I made it. I am just saying my heart aches for him every time I laugh to this day and as an actor I can cry instantly thinking of that moment but you will live on and somehow you will find joy, but I feel your pain. Be well, mark

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2010, 11:57:43 PM »
Oh Mark,  I know I am with good company here.  I two am sorry for your loss.  So many of us have lost so much over the years.  I just never would have thought William was so vulnerable and so sick.   The secrets we keep literally will kill each and everyone of us in one form or another.  William's secrets that he kept from me, his family, his friends were something I think he learned as a kid as he grew up.   He covered every base, he helped everyone whom he ever came in contact with.   We laughed, we sung, we danced and embraced along with our dog Johnny.   The light right now is very dim for me, but I trust in what everyone says, that with time, with help, things will brighten up a bit.  So I continue to "Fake it till I make it".   I show up for work, I tell people how I feel and I tell them about my husband William and what a mark he made in my life.   I am forever changed.  

Leatherman,  Thank you for everything you have said.....  It really helps me...

Love

Eric
« Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 12:00:16 AM by Life »

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #22 on: January 06, 2010, 01:30:47 AM »
I show up for work, I tell people how I feel and I tell them about my husband William and what a mark he made in my life.
not putting any spin on it, yes, that's how it will be for some time. Then with some more time you'll show up for work, not talk so much about how you feel, but you'll still have stories to tell about William. It's coming up on nearly 2 yrs and in the last two weeks, I know I have told at least two "Jim stories" a day, and I even told 4 or 5 "Randy stories". And went back home and cried about half those stories.

But I laughed about the other half of the stories, I played with my dogs, I raked the yard (you'd think I'd have all those leaves up by now), I visited some friends, hung out the whole day with my baby brother and his family, enjoyed 3 long beautiful drives in the country on days with glorious weather, drank 4 beers and have been happier than hell that while it may be dropping into the teens at nite here in upper SC, we don't have 16 inches of snow like they're having back up in Canton OH where I just moved from.

I am forever changed.
you were forever changed when you met William - you're just now finding out how much of a change it really was.

You know what hit me right after Randy died and then again when Jim was gone - you know how you call your partner your "other half"? I realized just what that meant when that "other half" was totally gone. It meant I was only half a person! For a while I could hardly function. How do you know what to make for dinner when you've asked your other half for a decade? How do you sleep as half a person in a whole bed?

But time keeps moving along and you drift for a while and then start to swim again. I regained part of "me" back and probably got up to being 2/3 of a person with Jim's love and help. Now, trying to recover from the blow of losing him too, I'm only a 1/3 of a person. I drifted out of that house and life as I lost it all. Then into another place, that turned out to be temporary. Now I'm with family, my mom; but I think I'm going to have to move on yet again. Although I'm only a 1/3 of a man, at 47 I'm not her "child" either. I think I'm going to have to regain some of "me" quickly and get back to being my own 2/3 of a man again - cause I'll never be whole again. But just like I learned to live with being HIV+, I've learned to live being only the "remaining half".

but i don't want to end on a sad note like that. I said that to help your understand that other people do know where you're coming from, that it is tough, but even though it can be so very hard to believe, it is possible to regain some life and not be eternally destroyed by this loss. Oh, forever damaged; but not destroyed.

You do realize in my story that after "losing Randy" there was "falling in love with Jim"? You know I would have NEVER in a billion years believed such a thing possible as I grieved Randy. I was just lucky though and had a true best friend - which made a great foundation from which love could grow. Without Jim now, I'd like to swear, like I did before, that I'll never fall in love again; but what I learned was that you never know what life will throw at you. I don't know if love will ever come to your doorstep again, but I do know that life is still there waiting for you and it's filled with infinite possiblities.

As everyone has told you who has "been there and done that" losing a partner, just hang in there. Though you may not ever know why you have survived without William, one day the hurt won't be as bad and you will be able to remember the good times and the love without crying. Though you may be lonely, those memories will be of great comfort to you in days in your future.

hugs and love to you Eric,
mikie
(who, although he talked a big line, is going to go cry for a little bit. I still miss you badly and still love you both, Jim and Randy!)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Theyer

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Re: Loss
« Reply #23 on: January 10, 2010, 01:48:15 PM »
Dear Mark, I have only very similar experiences to allow me to send my thoughts to you, sadly no magic words, please try not to be hard on your self, the circular tragic fact , the greater the love the harder the grief. take care ,
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2010, 09:04:12 PM »
Thanks mike,  it makes me feel that there are possibilities....   Never in my dreams would I have thought I would become positive, love, build a family, then have my partner die within six years of being married.   Its like a 45 rpm record Mom and Dad use to play.   One thing I do owe William is to live the best life I can lead, take care of myself as he always insisted on..   "Sing Eric, Sing".  He would say.   I want to honor him and his memory..   I know, in time, I will see him again.   Its just a matter of time.   For now its just filling my life up again with "good stuff" and making some decisions on how I want to proceed...  

When the bad thoughts come into my head, I am finding them to be just that "bad thoughts" and I try to switch them immediatly to something more positive for my day.   I cant say its easier, but my support group say I am doing better and actually see a smile on my face from time to time...  

Going through this, I know I am powerless over people, places and things.   I had no control over Will's actions he took or the chances / gambles he took with his health.   My guilt seems to have slipped a few knotches and I happy for that.

One day,  I hope to regain myself with the addition of all that Will instilled upon me in our short 6 years together.

Love

Eric

Offline Life

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Re: Loss / Homesick
« Reply #25 on: January 14, 2010, 09:28:57 PM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE

William 1960-2009

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 

I miss you William

We will be together again,  In God's time.

 

Love

 

Eric
« Last Edit: January 14, 2010, 10:56:37 PM by Life »

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #26 on: January 14, 2010, 11:07:56 PM »
Very Nice,
 Eric and I can tell he had a hard time leaving you. My thoughts are that alot of the pain you have surrounding Will is that  you may not find a love like his again which is normal, but from your post I can tell you are a wonderful guy. The most important thing to be wary of now, is finding what you need now, and be ready for anything cause you don't  how it will come.  Try to open your mind to all prospects and be at peace cause Will would expect you to move on. Just my random thoughts no pain intended.  Mark

Offline Life

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"Both Sides Now"
« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2010, 05:46:46 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ

BOTH SIDES NOW

This song has always been a favorate of mine and William's.

We would sing it in the car while traveling, at home, or even in the shower

It continues to evolve and have a different meaning for me especially now after

William's passing.

 

I think there are a few passages here that truly seems to be what William did the very best.  He always thought

of all of us and his family before himself.   He just didnt get everything he wanted in life completed in time. 

Its up to us now.  There is something to be learned.  There is something beautiful in what God gave us in Will.

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now, it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall.
I really don't know love, I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they tell me that
I've changed.
Well something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life  -  - at all.


If there is one thing William did teach me, it was about life and love.

and "Living Every Day".

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2010, 12:35:43 AM »
Life,
I do love songs where the lyric touches you somewhere special. That too is a good one. Here's a thought for you if you get a chance to listen to "wicked" I know, I know ,but put yourself as Elphaba( the green witch)and listen to," Wizard and I, I'm not that girl, and For good" and they take a whole different meaning.

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2010, 10:12:51 PM »
Its funny you mention Wicked.   I know the Lyrics back to front and that was the last Musical William got to see before he died.   "For Good" has definately changed its meaning for me.   In fact at the memorial at the College, that was the song I choose for the background as the pictures of William's life unfolded on the screen.......

Good memories and lots and lots of music that continue to take me back to a time of happyness and joy.   I hope in time I can listen to them again and just remember the good times and not what I now do not have anymore in the physical world...

Thanks for reminding me about how songs touch our hearts..

Love

Eric

Offline Moffie65

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Re: Loss
« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2010, 01:27:26 PM »
Thinking of you today, and sending love.

Tim.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: Loss
« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2010, 08:08:32 PM »
Eric,

That song, Has always been one of my favorites, with special meaning.  We watched Roger Whittaker sing it in Clearwater, some time ago.  This was not that performance but nice :


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vp8kKAGrhV0


Also thinking of you----Ray


« Last Edit: January 21, 2010, 08:10:46 PM by J.R.E. »
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 8/25/14,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #32 on: January 23, 2010, 02:27:07 AM »
...watching Roger w version got me interested and Joni's version on Youtube 2000Live is one of the best so heartfelt... and I couldn't help but shed a tear thinking of your situation. The best to you in 2010! Mark

Offline mecch

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Re: Loss
« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2010, 04:20:06 AM »
Many broadway shows are quite comforting to the soul.  And in this time of loss, lean especially to the comedies. Try The Producers, Hairspray, even the Sondheims - Sunday in the Park with George. Into the Woods.

Mame, La Cage, Rocky Horror, The Wiz, or anything from the 40s.

Avoid the shows with love stories as the main plot point.

In times of loss, when I just didnt feel like feeling sad, I have used the above to great effect.  Even better with headphones, while doing a project that is cleansing and preparation for a different now, and a good future.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2010, 08:41:45 PM »
Vide Core Meum

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7eZAhD4KFg

 

My Translation..


Chorus: And thinking of him
Sweet sleep overcame me

I am your master
See your heart
And of this burning heart
Your heart
(Chorus: He's trembling)
Obediently eats.
Weeping, I saw him then depart from me.

Joy is converted
To bitterest tears

I am in peace
My heart
I am in peace
See my heart



I cant help it, I am a romantic and the songs that pull at your heart seems to give me comfort.   I know I am coming around, but at a snails pace.   I went to Denver this weekend to spend time with my family.   I also saw Williams Mom and Dad who are trying to settle the estate.  Which means the dismantling of our second home in Denver where we had planned to retire.   Slowly the touches that we created down in Denver are disapearing, the time spent thinking of retirement on the park are now all but gone.   I had thought about buying the apartment out right and most of my friends and family asked "What are you trying to do? Inshrine William??"   "He is gone now Eric".   When I saw the parents on Friday, they reminded me this was the 90th day that William has not been with us.   It still so fresh in my mind that last day.    I pray with more time, I will be better and find purpose again.   I actually had a date in Denver with an old friend, but set alot of bounderies but it was fun to have someone to hold and talk to besides just my family.  

Joni says it very well "I really don't know life at all".  

Thanks for everyone's well wishes....   I will try and lighten up a bit on the songs I choose to listen to.   I finally had to turn off my screensaver at work that played 6 years of our lives together every six seconds I was taken back into the past and I know,  that is probably not the best place for me to be hiding.   I kid myself whenever I was trying to consol others who have lost loved ones.   Until you been there,  its just not the same...   I am greatful to be alive.   I will keep doing that and trying to do the next right thing until God pulls me in another direction.   I wish he would do this soon...  

Hugs,

Eric
« Last Edit: January 26, 2010, 09:11:37 PM by Life »

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #35 on: January 26, 2010, 10:00:42 PM »
I know I am coming around, but at a snails pace.
...
When I saw the parents on Friday, they reminded me this was the 90th day that William has not been with us.
Eric, even if you're moving at a snail's pace, it's just good that you're moving forward. Although I must tell you hanging in there for 90 days is a pretty big step forward.

When 90 days rolled around after Jim's death, his car had just been repoed, the ladies from the antique store were selling off Jim's belongings and I was packing up to move into a new home before the sheriff came to put a lien on Jim's house for unpaid back taxes. So it's really sounds like you are right on track (by settling William's estate).

I finally had to turn off my screensaver at work that played 6 years of our lives together every six seconds I was taken back into the past and I know,  that is probably not the best place for me to be hiding.
though my screensaver of images of Jim and our life was causing me to be in a constant state of weepiness, I couldn't turn mine off for 6 months. Now after a yr and a half, I only run that selection of pictures at "those" times - christmas, Jim's birthday, and probably coming up soon in rememberance of those two horrible months in the hospital (mar and apr) two years ago.

Fifteen years later I only run pictures of Randy at Christmas and at his birthday. Sometimes I still cry at those pictures but thankfully this many yrs away from his passing, I can remember our times together (without crying) and NOT think about his passing.

I kid myself whenever I was trying to consol others who have lost loved ones.   Until you been there,  its just not the same
Thank you. Although losing friends or losing parents is all very similar, those are nothing like losing the person you loved. Unlike losing all those other relations, losing your "other half" usually changes your living situation, along with all your personal dreams, and future plans. Only losing your young children is comparable for all the serious changes it makes in your life.

I am greatful to be alive.   I will keep doing that and trying to do the next right thing
Hold fast to that attitude. Best wishes Eric.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2010, 02:12:08 AM »
Eric,
I too am the sappy romantic and I love it. That song had me wiping tears and sniffling as opera does so well if you let it in. Your tragedy touches you deeply cause you feel it with your whole being(some folks don't). Revel in your ability to feel ,be scared when you can't. I have had moments in life where my heart literally ached and I hated the feeling yet thanked God he allowed me to feel so much. You are doing what YOU need to do as YOU do it. I like the fact a man can feel completely , honestly and openly!

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: Loss
« Reply #37 on: January 31, 2010, 04:09:48 AM »
I can be so romantic at time it is truly scary but as I was going through some songs I thought of you Eric. The song "Perhaps Love" by John denver. The lyrics make the song.

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #38 on: February 01, 2010, 05:19:49 AM »
I knew John and Annie  pretty well back in the 70's-90's.  They lived about 2 miles down from where I live...  Always saw them in the places I worked at over the years.   Went to his memorial and they sang that song in tribute....   Thanks for the memory of that!

Today is my birthday Feb 1st...   I am reading Ann's book she suggested.   I am going to try and be socialble today and do something nice for myself and do it with someone and not think so much today..

I am glad to be alive....   I am glad I had the chance to be with someone so special even though it was all but to brief...   I want to be greatful.   I really want that...  John did say it best, again thank you for these memories...

Eric



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcQuzZSZ514

 

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living
For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

William

« Last Edit: February 01, 2010, 07:58:21 AM by Life »

Offline Ann

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Re: Loss
« Reply #39 on: February 01, 2010, 08:36:06 AM »
Happy birthday, Eric!

How's the book so far? I hope it helps.

I'm so jealous that you knew John Denver.  I had such a crush on him when I was a kid and I had all his albums. I rarely listen to him these days, so I suppose a trip over to You Tube is in order.

Make sure you do something special for yourself today.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #40 on: February 02, 2010, 11:05:11 AM »
Thank you Ann for the Well wishes on my Birthday....  Did alot of reflection yesterday sitting out by the river in 2 foot of snow with the warm sun shinning down on me...  Saw my councelor and she says I am doing so much better then when I first started..  Hard for me to see but that was the best news for me.

Your book Ann is wonderful,  what a great suggestion.  I read half of it two nights ago and the spiritual aspect is just what I was hoping for....   Faith...  I want to build mine back like it was when I was a child.  Blind and unquestioning.  Not so doubting Thomas kind of faith...  I just slipped out of my gruve of church and I found a perfect church in Aspen that I really like..

John was a real member of the cummunity up here for years.   He really loved the mountains and would do so many benefits for the town.   That day when he died was very tuff on all of us up here.   I walk through the John Denver park occasionally which has all his lyrics chisiled into rocks through out the park.   It is a very moving place to be..

Hugs,

Eric

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Loss
« Reply #41 on: February 03, 2010, 07:57:24 AM »
Belated happy birthday, Eric. Sounds like you had a good one. Oh hell, go wild and make it a birthday week!

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Loss
« Reply #42 on: February 03, 2010, 08:17:03 PM »
Happy Birthday Eric. You young buck, you. You deserve all of the joy life has to offer, you have been through the ringer ole friend. Are you 29?
xoxo HUGS Jeff
Positive since 1985

Offline Florida69

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Re: Loss
« Reply #43 on: February 04, 2010, 12:31:33 PM »
Happy belated birthday, to my dearest friend.  Know you are always in my thoughts and prayers, keep your head up.  Much love, D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #44 on: February 06, 2010, 12:56:44 AM »
Thank you...  Things are getting better...  But its sometimes like a double edge sword.  You start to feel a bit better and say "hay you cant do that" you must remember....  If it was not  for the support of my family, friends and those right here, I just dont know quite where I would be..  I thank you so much for that.  I never thought I would have to experience this for awhile and that this could happen, the best made plans were short lived, but they were lived and I am thankful for that....






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9fvk8NnUyg

Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday Iíll be who I want to be
For now Iíll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now Iíll wait
For the rain to pass away

And Iím looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
Iím looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go
But none seem to look my way
And walls have stood and walls have fallen
But my heart seems to wait
For now Iíll sit at the end of the road
And for now Iíll wait
At the end of the pathway

Iíll see the sun one day shine upon me
Iíll see the sun one day
And watch the nighttime turn to morning
But for now it all comes back around


« Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 01:05:10 AM by Life »

Offline Ann

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Re: Loss
« Reply #45 on: February 06, 2010, 07:42:28 AM »

Thank you...  Things are getting better...  But its sometimes like a double edge sword.  You start to feel a bit better and say "hay you cant do that" you must remember....


Eric, you can  feel better. Will would not want it any other way. Try to continue to remember the good things you shared with Will. It's ok to feel sad sometimes, but Will would not want you to continue to feel bad. Next time you hear that little voice in your head saying "hey, you can't do that" tell it "yes I can and Will would want me to feel happy." Feeling happy or content or at peace does not equal "forgetting". Please remember that. You'll never forget Will whether you feel good or bad, so carry on feeling good with no regret or guilt.

Hang in there.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #46 on: February 06, 2010, 11:40:11 AM »
But its sometimes like a double edge sword.  You start to feel a bit better and say "hay you cant do that" you must remember....
I think that's another aspect of survivor's guilt. It's not all about "why I am alive and they are gone". Sometimes it's about "they're still gone and I shouldn't be happy". Unfortunately, that too takes time to get over. (don't you hate hearing that? Sorry, but honest to god, it's the truth. you've suffered a deep wound - but since it's emotional it can't be seen by the eye so much. But like a real wound it takes a lot of time for any amount of healing to happen)

It's tricky to learn the ropes about giving yourself permission to have happy times, and beating yourself up for "forgetting" to be sad and in mourning. You'll have moments of guilt about all that. The only balm is to keep telling yourself that William would not have wanted you to forsake all your happiness to mourn him forever. Heck even that's got a double edge to it. Heaven knows there are times I've been bawling my eyes out, that I realized that Jim would have never wanted me to continue grieving for him so much, and then I felt guilty for being sad. Sheesh! Guilty for being happy, guilty for being sad. It's just a no-win situation.

Though it is a false guilt, you know. There is no reason William would want you feeling bad about being sad, nor would William want you to forego happiness or feel guilty for grabbing some joy. It's getting through those times, as you learn to put aside the "guilt" and just let yourself be happy or sad whenever YOU feel like it, well, that's you learn how to be just "Eric" again.

It's tough buddy. I told you that I keep thinking about you in this situation - partially out of my selfish reasons. It was about this time of year that Jim just couldn't shake off the "flu"; so we're a couple weeks shy of when he entered the hospital two years ago. I think about where you are now, where I was then, and where I'm at now. As I feel the clouds gathering over me remembering what happened over the next few months back then, I think about the advice I've been passing along to you. Even this removed from losing Jim, I still have to fight the grief and guilt; but it's so much easier now.

I keep telling you that it takes time. For me two years of time have gone by, and while it's still unbelievably sad and heartbreaking, it's no longer unbearably so. There are going to be days ahead that I'll be crying remembering the grief of two years ago; but there will be days too that I'm now be able to force that grief aside and remember some good time with Jim (without that making me cry) or just live through the day for myself and my new life now.

Next time you hear that little voice in your head saying "hey, you can't do that" tell it "yes I can and Will would want me to feel happy." Feeling happy or content or at peace does not equal "forgetting".
Listen to Ann's excellent advice and not to the crazy little voice of "guilt" in your head. ;)

Hang in there Eric. Just move ahead and time will help. Each day you'll get better dealing with the grief and the "guilt".

Hugs!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline bear60

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Re: Loss
« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2010, 11:49:56 AM »
Hi Eric
Just wanted to say Hi and let you know I am thinking of you. 
Be well.

Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline leatherman

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Re: Loss
« Reply #48 on: February 06, 2010, 11:52:04 AM »
by the way, I meant to tell you too, that I have enjoyed your song selections too. In a way though, I think they prove too what we've all told you about time. All the authors of those songs have obviously gone through a similar circumstance of losing a loved one. They moved forward with their life and profession and were able to make it passed the sadness enough to use it to make those songs. I'm sure just after losing those people, those singers could have never sung those words without breaking down; yet sometime down the road they were able to channel those emotions into these songs and to perform them. And we, who have also suffered similar losses, can eventually listen without crying but with understanding of how much these losses hurt.

It's kinda sad that these songwriters have experienced a similar grief and penned such heart-aching words; yet it's also encouraging because though their hearts were broken, time healed them enough to create such music to give voice to our grief and solace to our aching hearts.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Life

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Your Not Alone
« Reply #49 on: February 08, 2010, 05:13:03 AM »
Ann, Joel and Mike, again thank you for your inspiration and thoughtfulness as I move through all of this.   I dont feel like I am alone in what I am facing..  I feel that a power greater than myself is telling me the same things you are telling me..   I took my self asssessment test for my councelor tomorrow and I have moved from "Severe Depression" to "Moderate" and I am pretty tough on when I take these tests and very honest with myself...   I hope to continue working through all this and the music helps me "feel" and expresses what I am feeling at any given point....  I just keep finding em...  Maybe in a few years I will dig this thread back up and see where I was and where I have gone...

Hugs,

Eric


"Your Not Alone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOlsSpJ_VtA

I search for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true... Forever, For my love will carry you...

You're not alone, for I... I am here, let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through your darkest night,

Your darkest nights, And I'm the one that's loved you all your life,
All of your life



Offline Life

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No One But "You"
« Reply #50 on: February 13, 2010, 02:47:48 PM »
Its that "Spiritual Condition" that I want back....  

Hugs,

Eric




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QOoH-Okd0U


"ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG"
Queen

A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in heaven -
Do you want us to cry?

And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No-one could reach them
No-one but you

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...

Another Tricky Situation
I get to drownin' in the Blues
And I find myself thinkin'
Well - what would you do?

Yes! - it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation
You found a way through

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
We'll remember -
Forever...

And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was in the way it was planned...

So we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And i aint never, never saying goodbye...

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
Cryin' for nothing
Cryin' for no-one
No-one but you



« Last Edit: February 13, 2010, 02:58:30 PM by Life »

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: Loss
« Reply #51 on: February 15, 2010, 01:56:45 AM »
Hey Eric

Just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug and kiss :)  It will get better...you are strong and William would want you to be happy again.

Keep writing!  I will keep reading :)

xo
Pete

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #52 on: February 15, 2010, 03:56:50 PM »



Happy Valentines Day William.

 

My memories of our Valentines days together will NEVER be forgotten Will.

I stand out in our backyard looking at the snow capped mountains, the river,

and think long and hard and understand some people

get to learn everything they need to and get to move on from this life.  

Others have to stay and learn more.

 
I think about how many people you touched in only 49 years.  Most people do not get that

chance you got to live.   Helping so many...

Your Loving Husband,

Eric


PS. Will it is getting easier, but there is such a gap in my life right now without you.

I hope you get this message, certainly by now they have Internet access in Heaven.

As you can see, I am getting alot of support, and with that, I am eternally greatful especially the love I receive here.  Thank you everyone for being part of my life.  It can never be repaid.

« Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 04:10:03 PM by Life »

Offline Life

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Without You
« Reply #53 on: February 20, 2010, 05:45:41 PM »


I know, life goes on but Johnathan Larson had a point when he wrote "without you."  I keep wondering where my life is going to go from here.  I flash back to the musical as people keep "disapearing" from my life and now William.  Will does qualify in disapearing from aids complications....  I keep waking up and putting my best effort into the day..  But still......  I keep thinking of a needless death and having Mom & Dad read his death certificate as he never wanted them to know.  I told Williams friends and family "What do you think is going to be on this certificate ahy?"  These secrets just make me so angry..  Well now they know..  From a peice of paper...

"WITHOUT YOU"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrE7mh7Emj4

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar
the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you.....




« Last Edit: February 20, 2010, 06:17:01 PM by Life »

Offline leatherman

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Re: Without You
« Reply #54 on: February 20, 2010, 08:05:33 PM »
I know, life goes on but Johnathan Larson had a point when he wrote "without you."  ...  I flash back to the musical as people keep "disapearing" from my life and now William.
ah, dammit Eric! You had to go and play the "rent" card, didn't you?  :'( :P ;)

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

But it's a beautiful piece of art, isn't it? You can plainly hear in the lyrics that Larson has been where you are, where I have been.

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Why, I was just telling someone the other day, how I had longed for time to simply stop after Jim's death. It seemed wrong/immoral/disrepectful that "things" could continue on without Jim still in the world. I wanted nothing more than to walk around the house weeping, stumbling, falling to my knees with unquenchable sobs while the rest of the world cried too. But then the phone rang, the mailman came by, the dogs needed out, I was hungry, etc. Although I wanted to wallow in my rightful sorrow, life just kept flowing around me and eventually picked me up and washed me on down the stream in its currents.

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you

Hearing these lines makes me think about what I said to you a while back about losing your "other half". The "me" that was "Jim and me" is no more. That person died too that day that day that Jim passed away and is gone from this world. The me that's here today, as life goes on, is somebody new - a bit scared, afraid and alone; but still alive and kicking, and struggling, just like everybody else, to find his way forward.

I keep wondering where my life is going to go from here.
To the same place it was always going - somewhere different and new! ;D
it's just not going anymore to the new and different place that you supposed it was going. ;)

 :-* love and hugs!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #55 on: February 21, 2010, 08:47:03 PM »
Last night at a meeting...  Driving 65 miles an hour in a blizard to make a meeting (insanity) I heard one simple thing.   I said "God does not give us anything that we cannot handle".  I said that this is bull shit and that God gives us free will to pick and choose our destiny.  William chose his.  I chose mine.   After sharing a wise old women chimmed in and said.   "Eric,  Its God will not give us anything HE cannot handle."   That was worth risking my life driving 65 miles per hour in a blizard.... :)

Hugs,

Eric

Today I thought about William alot and what he would want for me.   I re-read alot of his emails and I know he was always looking out for both our best interest.   I wish he could have seen the big elephant in the room, but he chose to help others above all else.  To be of service to others above himself.  I will never forget what he did for me during our time together...
« Last Edit: February 21, 2010, 09:09:05 PM by Life »

Offline Life

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Re: Loss
« Reply #56 on: February 21, 2010, 09:07:31 PM »
Mike thank you as always for your insight into the feelings I to am moving through..  I spent today watching the snow storm on the river, having my coffee and being grateful for the time spent together.  I have no regrets other than it ended and that's were I have to say enough.   I try not to stay there for very long, other than just to "remember" and be grateful to have the support in getting through life.  So many here have helped me through their PM's and public posts that I feel safe in knowing that there is "hope" in my future.  What that might be is not up to me.   That is were I turn it over and say that I am grateful and leave the guilt, loss and loneliness and move forward as best I can... 

Love

Eric

Offline Life

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Testing the waters - Burrr :)
« Reply #57 on: February 28, 2010, 02:35:36 PM »
Well I had my first encounter at my home in Aspen with a dear friend from Denver who wanted to come and see me and go out for dinner.  He drove up from Denver and spent less than 24 hours after a six hour drive and another six out drive back down the hill.   We went out with his cousins who live on a ranch next to Goldie's and Kurt's house over looking Snowmass Ski area.  We talked and had a wonderful meal.  He then spent the night with me.   He understands that I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship, but it was so nice to again share the river and the mountains with someone else at my home.   He just left and I am again out standing by the river and looking up at God's creation, again feeling a bit lonely and isolated.   And, thinking about what me and William had together.  It always comes back to that feeling.   I know William is looking down on me.  He also new this friend that I had come visit and I know he would be happy I am engaging a bit more each and every day.   It is a bright sunny day and the snow is 4 feet tall in front of the house over looking the river.   How beautiful, and tranquil, and my thoughts wonder what is next in this life.  What is next..   I really want to find it, because I know its not going to come knocking at my door.  At least not yet with the snow in the way...   I still miss you William...  Life is such a blessing, I don't want to waste it waiting.

Eric

Offline Life

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Loss
« Reply #58 on: July 12, 2010, 12:59:33 AM »
I have not posted much since February....  I just wanted to say that in a fashion, I am better.   But the moments are still quite there...   It would seem I am walking down the road and re tracing my steps as they unfolded last year this time.   They say the first year after you loose someone you love namely my husband is the hardest.   I am not so sure there is a time frame to this so I don't schedule one.  

After alot of counseling, going to church, going to meetings I feel better but still feel alone in an empty house full of memories and possibilities that have had the door shut on them.   I still get angry, I still want questions answered but not so much anymore.

Have reached out to William's family (Mom and Dad) and they as far as I can tell are in severe depression about loosing their only son at their tender ages of 86-89.   Who will take care of them?   I certainly have tried to be there for them.   But it would seem they are still in shock and dispare about their son.   I have no intention of being their son, but I want them to know that they are not alone in their grief.  No phone calls, nothing.  So I continue to drop by every so often and see them....

As for myself...  My health continues to be fine...   Thank god for that.  My mental state when i am alone is of sadness.   I think of those who I have lost this year and now Tim.   "Death is just as much a part of life as living Tim would say".  I am not scared of dying, maybe I am more scared of living from time to time.   So, I continue to trudge along hoping for brighter days and a better future.  

William in the last month of his life said "I have found my corner of the Sky".  

I need to find mine now it would seem...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flb63q_iz1I&feature=related

Eric



 


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