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Author Topic: I can't take this anymore  (Read 3146 times)

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Offline Maggie

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • Poz since 1992, member of Aidsmeds 2002
I can't take this anymore
« on: November 21, 2009, 06:26:00 PM »
I've been poz since 1992.  I think that my body is finally wearing down.  The last 3 times that I've had my blood work done, they end up calling me the next day about this dehydration thing.  The last time I had to be admitted.  "Too much acid in the blood".

I feel so guilty that I could die.  My husband of course knew that I had HIV as soon as we met - I told him.  We married and we live in this house that he inherited as an only child.  I have no health insurance.  He has spent all that he has on my clinic payments and hospital bills.  There is no more money now.  In this state of Illinois, they are VERY harsh on people like me who can't pay their medical bills.  This has consumed me...... my thoughts, I'm scared to death.  I'm not scared of them taking away our house - it's only material stuff. 

I feel so guilty because it is ME who has put my husband in this hardship also.

My HIV doctor, who was supposedly my primary doctor also, couldn't handle the one time that I went in for an appt. and was crying - yes, I was depressed.  I then get a msg. from this social worker of his that he no longer wanted to take care of my primary needs because that was not covered under insurance.  (Such as blood pressure, thyroid).  He will only take care of my HIV because he is getting paid for that through public health.

I had to find a clinic for low-income.  I have no thyroid and this former doctor hadn't checked my thyroid level for over a year.  When I went to this low-income place she has taken my thyroid 3 months in a row now - then changes the dose.  This time she gives me 30 pills and says to come back and have thyroid blood work done in another month.  WTH??  I have NO thyroid - so when I go back for a blood draw that means that I'm out of thyroid pills - I cannot go without it since I have no thyroid.  It takes a week for them to get the results back and by the time they call me. 

I don't know if I'm making any sense or not, I really don't.  I'm just scared.  Scared of the bill collectors and the extreme measures they go to here in this state.  I'm spending most of my time in bed.  I've lost so much weight that I'm afraid something is going really wrong.  I'm embarrased for neighbors to see me outside because it's so obvious that something is wrong with this weight loss. 

The last time I saw this HIV doctor he hesitated when we talked about starting up meds again.  I've been poz since '92, never was on any meds for about 11 years, and then went on meds.  I've been off of them now for way over a year.  My tcells are about 465 and vl is undetectable.  He mumbles something under his breath about the weight loss..... whether or not to start meds again.... then he says we'll wait. 

I know that this vent sounds like a lunatic writing - maybe I am.  Maybe that is what I'm becoming.  I've been praying to God every night to PLEASE not let me wake up in the morning.  I've thought about many ways to end this - but I don't have the guts to do it. 

There will be no Thanksgiving or holidays here.  I have no parents alive, I have no aunts or uncles (parents were both only children).  My youngest daughter who is in her 30's lives about 170 miles from here with her BF.  She has had a lot of problems with drub addiction (she's recovered now) but was molested by her step-father (my ex) while I was at work at night and I never knew until she was in the fifth grade and she told me.  Her other 2 sisters will not have anything to do with her.  I love that girl to death.  I miss her - If I lived by myself I would have her here with me, but my husband does not agree with that  -  which is something that I do not like about him at all. 

If I see one more Thanksgiving or Christmas ad onTV or on the radio I'm gonna lose it.  It's not ALL happy people running around shopping.... having family......

I realize this post is all over the place.  It's just that I have no one to talk to and I guess I need to get some of this out - it's hard to type through tears.... but I feel so alone - so very alone. 

It almost makes me gag to eat - I just don't want to.   I don't know if this is hiv, my mental state, or a little bit of both.   

Does anyone else ever just cry, cry and cry when they're alone?  That's what I'm doing now - thank God he's over having a beer right now.  I like it when he's gone - I can sit and cry without him saying, "Well, I wish I had a magic wand or something".   

I don't know where to turn, where to go - what do do. 

The "mother" that I did have took pride in telling her friends (in front of my brother and I), "I think more of my pets than I do "these two".  My Dad was an alcoholic, but I loved him. 

Offline WildcatCC

  • Member
  • Posts: 91
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2009, 06:37:04 PM »
Maggie, I have no words of comfort for you but you are not alone. First, your husband surely loves you very much. He doesn't blame you for your HIV nor the unsteadiness in your lives. You 2 are in this together. Don't shut him out.

I bet your daughter loves you as well. 170 miles sounds far. But 85 miles sounds closer. That's just an hour and 25 mins. That's half way for each of you. For the holidays, just agree to something simple - meet half way, even if it's at a diner or a Perkins. Just reach out. You may be surprised.

Your friends on on this site care about you. Vent away - we can take it. We're here for you.  :)
Apr  08 - Diagnosed
Apr  08  cd4 8, vl 150k
Meds: Prezista/Norvir/Truvada
June 08 cd4 250, vl 1600
Aug  08 cd4 275, vl 450
Meds: Atripla
Nov  08  cd4  386, vl 255
Jan   09  cd4  415, vl 2100 (spike?)
Feb   09  cd4 460, vl 212
May   09  cd4 515, vl 1200
Aug   09  cd4 717, vl 1535 % 23
Sept  09  cd4 535  vl 1710 % 18
Oct   09  genotype shows mutation. Discussing w/ ID Doc
Nov  09   cd4 480  vl 650   % 19
Dec  09 genotype slight mutation to Epivir and Retrovir
Jan 10   cd4 508 vl 250 (21%)  low vitamin d - on supplement 2000 iu/day
Mar 15 Change to Isentress and Truvada
May 5 cd4 498 vl 1485
June 16 cd4 550 vl undect!!!! (finally dammit)

Offline Maggie

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • Poz since 1992, member of Aidsmeds 2002
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2009, 06:46:27 PM »
Thank you so much Wildcat... really.  She is practically living in poverty.... they have no vehicle.  All I can do is call her on the phone.

Her other 2 sisters will not even acknowledge her - she is all alone but thank God she has her BF and I do call her often. 

She is still my baby and always will be.  I miss her so much. 

Thank you for caring Wildcat.

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2009, 07:16:58 PM »
Hi Maggie,
Are there any ASO's in your area that can help you out?  At least give you a little support so that you don't feel so alone.
Do you have a webcam and does your daughter have internet access, if you can't see each other in person, at least you could see each other on the computer.
Try not to think about what others are thinking about you, you know you are sick, chances are, they won't have any idea.  Around the time I got my aids diagnosis in 2000, I was under a lot of stress (for other reasons other than being positive)and lost a lot of weight.  I used to laugh to myself because everyone I worked with was "Wow, are you on diet, I wish I could lose that much weight!"  Most people are so into themselves they don't realize what is going on with anyone else.
That is very frustrating when they don't give you enough meds to last till your next appt.  Can you call the doc to see if you can get your appt 2 weeks earlier and tell her that you are concerned about running out of your meds? Yes, you made sense.
Stress is the worst thing for you.  Try to get out and take a walk or do something that will take your mind off your situation and give yourself a little break.
I am an only child too, both my parents are still alive, but they divorced over 10 years ago, my father got remarried and in the last 2 years he seperated from his wife.  He had stopped talking to me for 7 years when he first left and now that my parents have started seeing each other again, I feel like they have both abandoned me again.  Recently, I have come to the realization that I am always going to be alone, other than my children.  I guess, what I am trying to say is, you might feel like you are alone, but you really aren't.  You can get through this, we are here for you.
Take care,
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline G.leucogeranus

  • member
  • Posts: 1
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2009, 09:24:04 PM »
Hey Maggie,
I really feel for you. I can sympathize with your depression. One of the easiest things you can do to start feeling a bit better is to take nice walks. Clear your head. Get your limbs moving.
I always love when I dogsit my boyfriends dog. She makes me happy and she BEGS to go for walks. How can I deny her when both of us feel better in the process?! PETS ARE NATURAL HEALERS
=)

Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2009, 09:40:26 PM »
Hello Maggie

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now.  Looking at your prior posts it sounds like you have had a rough time with the local clinic services too? 

I saw you asked questions about your caseworker.  In theory, she might have the ability to help out more if you feel comfortable confiding in her.  In particular, you might ask her if there are any local support groups for instance?

Do your other daughters live nearby?

Wish there were something more helpful one could say

A
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline whatever1

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2009, 08:14:58 PM »
become pro active where this disease is concerned, drink more water , boil it first, get in touch with and aids ersource group that gives a damn, stop looking back and look forward, your daughter is dealing with her stuff and by you being proactive it will perhaps encorage her , If you have a higher power wake up thanking him , for the air that you are breathing and you will begin to feel that you have a lot of good stuff going for you, that your depression is not allowing you to see. I have been pos since 90, Drs have been wrong , stupid, ill informed , aids phobic, but i quickly realized  it was my responasability to reach out to the right resources to get what I need. So far as your husband, he is handling all that he can , don't get mad at himor blame yourself or him for your daughters condition, she is in recovery and she is getting thje support she needs. as my kids once told me "do you " ma, and when i did it all fell into place. Forget the holiday nonsense we celebrate on a higher plane with more realistic and enduring gifts , that can not be bought ,sold or packaged. never for get that..money can not buy health , so strive to be healthy and stay hydrated. We support you 1000% in your struggle for living .

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2009, 06:25:48 AM »
Maggie, do you pray??

Eric

Offline Maggie

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • Poz since 1992, member of Aidsmeds 2002
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2009, 06:50:05 PM »
Yes, I do pray but it doesn't help.  My husband is gone right now and I've been crying for over an hour.  We are going to end up losing this home, what money we have left - I cannot take this much longer.  I am hitting walls when he's not here.  I just don't want to live anymore, I truly don't.  I'm not saying this for a pity party, it's the truth. 

This is all because of MY medical bills.  I'm 55 y/o and qualify for NOTHING except the Ryan White stuff and ADAP.  I was hospitalized because of a breakdown and the bill is astronomical - we cannot pay it - supposedly this is a Catholic "charity" hospital and they still refused to help. 

I know that God says He doesn't give us more than we can bear - but that is hard for me to believe right now. 

Every night I pray that I don't wake up in the morning.  I go to bed so early just to escape - I don't sleep much, even with sleeping pills.  I'm awake way before the sun even comes up.  My nerves are shattered.  My heart is shattered.  I just don't want to be here anymore.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,618
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2009, 05:51:07 AM »
Maggie, it sounds like you need to talk to someone who's qualified to deal with your problems ASAP.  We can listen, and respond the best we can, but you need some face-to-face help.  I think maybe you should get ahold of your nearest ASO, and talk to someone there about all you're facing.  About the medical bills, well, just make $10/month payments if that's all you can afford.  I have some high medical debt, and that's what I'm doing. 

You need some emotional support.  It sounds like your husband is there for you.  You wouldn't want to hurt him by taking yourself out, now, would you?  And suicide is permanent; the situations you're in right now, though they're desperate, are temporary.  Please try to talk to someone who can help you sort through things.  Make like a priority list, and look at things realistically, and not fatalistically.  There are solutions.  You just have to keep an open mind, give yourself a break, and keep going.  You're in my thoughts, definitely.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline blackwingbear

  • Member
  • Posts: 363
  • Hello, all you happy people....
    • THE DARK MIND OF BLACKWINGBEAR
Re: I can't take this anymore
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2010, 02:43:40 AM »
Does anyone else ever just cry, cry and cry when they're alone? 

Every chance I get. It helps, actually.
It's all a sham. Politics is a big game, same as the media - and same as religion. The point is to distract & control. If we're looking at what they tell us is the "big issue", we're not looking at what they are doing. In time, there will be different causes and different minorities to pick-on. All in the name of keeping the system going, and the people distracted.

 


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