Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 23, 2014, 10:52:43 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639857
  • Total Topics: 48575
  • Online Today: 212
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 5
Guests: 188
Total: 193

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Am I Wrong???  (Read 14307 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline iking2009

  • Member
  • Posts: 49
Am I Wrong???
« on: November 09, 2009, 02:21:32 PM »
I found out about my status about a year ago now. Initially, I knew that i wouldn't tell my parents/family right off. I thought I'd come around after i got more comfortable with myself & status...Well, now a whole year has gone by. I'm doing OK with everything, still not on meds, & my family still doesn't know. So the question is, am i wrong for keeping this from my family??  i think that if my parents knew, it would kill them, Way before hiv killed me. I feel like id rather take this secret to my grave.  Am i selfish???  Don't they have the right to know??
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
-- Rita Mae Brown

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2009, 02:47:09 PM »


     I wouldn't say you are being selfish, no not at all.  Parents can be a bit sticky on the disclosure issue, but then again they can be on many different issues as well.  My parents are both deceased, if they were alive and not in poor health of course I would tell them because my mother would have killed me if I didn't.  Being that you said it would "kill them", I assume you are worried that they might worry about you unnecessarily.  That's why it was a good idea for you to wait.  You've know  accepted it as a part of your life and adjusted well.  Being that you are doing so well it might be a good time to disclose to them as opposed to a time when you are not.

    Essentially everyone's situation is different,  only you truly know your parents and what their reaction might be.  In my situation I would have definitely told, however I can understand why others would choose not to.

   It kind of reminds me of the 8th step in recovery.  You only make amends to those that won't do you harm!  I think that's how it goes anyways... it's been a long time. ;)
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2009, 03:24:53 PM »
i think that if my parents knew, it would kill them, Way before hiv killed me. I feel like id rather take this secret to my grave.  Am i selfish???  Don't they have the right to know??

I didn't tell my family for about 8 months after diagnosis.  At that point, I still wasn't on meds, but I was very sick in the hospital for 8 days with PCP pneumonia.  My plan had been to wait 'til I was on meds and doing fine and then disclose.  I did not want to tell them when I was sick and hospitalized.  They took it very well, which really shouldn't have been a surprise.  They are all very educated, accept other 'things' about my life just fine (such as being gay), and love me.  I now discuss my labs with my mom.  My dad asks about 'em too every so often when we talk.  

When I was trying to determine if or when I would disclose, I asked several friends - all have children - if they'd want to know if their child was HIV+.  All said yes.  I knew I'd tell my family if I had some sort of cancer or other serious, life-long illness, so once I got over the stigma of how I acquired HIV, it was a pretty easy decision to make.  One thing about it, the stress over not being able to talk about this one serious thing in my life was causing a tremendous amount of anxiety and panic attacks.

Maybe I just have an exceptional family and friends.  I'm not really sure, but I do know that my family accepted my being HIV+ way better than I ever imagined.  Honestly, I think they were more stressed by my having a motorcycle!  So, are you being selfish?  Perhaps you are just a bit.  Do you generally tell your family what's going on, both good and bad, in your life?  Good luck to you whatever you decide.

David

edited to add... I forgot to say welcome to the forums!
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,204
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2009, 03:26:08 PM »
I feel like id rather take this secret to my grave.  Am i selfish???  Don't they have the right to know??
no comments on me from whether THIS is the time or not; but here are some things to consider.

Would you tell them if you had cancer? Would you tell them if it was diabetes? It's never easy to pass along the news anytime you have a serious illness. Of course, I understand there's stigma surrounding HIV that isn't around those diseases; but there are an awful of illnesses that your family might be just as upset to hear that you have. If they care for you, hearing about cancer or HIV probably should cause them some consternation. As far as HIV having the stigma, if they are going to super freak out about it anyway, then the sooner you tell, the sooner they move pass their issues, and the sooner they will be able to support or help you.

Also, untreated HIV could eventually cause you to have some health problems before or just as you start onto meds. Do you want them to find out when you're sick? Do you want to have that discussion when you're sick? Just like talking about end-of-life decisions, it's probably better to talk about this kind of thing when you're healthy, happy, and more adapted to the news yourself.

Procrastination never really helps much; so sooner rather than later is usually a pretty good motto.

Concerning actually telling them - be prepared. Be prepared with answers (try looking at some of the Lessons here at AidsMeds. Some of those question will probably be the ones they ask of you). Be prepared for them to be stunned/scared/upset. Just remember that you've had time to deal with it, and they will probably be as shocked as you were at first. If it took you a year to "get more comfortable" about it, don't expect them to move to that mental state in an hour, a day, or a week maybe.  ;)

Best wishes for whenever you choose. ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,029
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2009, 04:12:26 PM »
It has been 16 years and I still haven't actually told my family. I really didn't want my mother to know because she had an anxiety disorder and would have worried all the time. She used to call me up and say "Are your tires getting worn out? I was up all night knowing it was raining and worried sick you are driving on bald tires." Only a mother cares about you like that.

I didn't tell my other family members because I didn't want mom to find out. Mom died of cancer in April and I am so very happy she never knew about it. If I needed her I would have told her but I think not telling her prevented her from unnecessary pain because she would have acted irrationally-- freaking out over every sneeze or weight fluctuation. My father found out about my HIV status by Googling my name and was fine with it because he is a very educated, rational person. Now that mom is gone I honestly don't care who knows.

Every person's situation is different and you need to decide what works best for you. Normally I would say honesty is the way to go, however looking back on my life so far I see having unsafe sex one of my worst decisions and not telling my mom about contracting HIV one of my best.

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2009, 04:44:30 PM »

I've never told my family and have no intention to.  Why worry them?  My mother began dealing with cancer shortly after I got HIV and the last thing she needed was to worry about me.  My grandmother is 92; what point would there be in upsetting her?  And my father--why would he want to know?  To have another thing to worry about?  I think like many people he would hear HIV and think of AIDS circa 1985 and it would upset him very much.  What would be the point? 

Maybe if I were living with or near them and they were a big part of my life my feelings would be totally different. 

A student of mine was recently given a ticket for something really ridiculous.  (He had been walking from one car to another on a moving subway, which is now illegal in NY.)  He had to go to the police station and make an appointment to appear in court and pay a fine.  I asked him if he told his parents.  "No," he said.  "In my culture"--he's from China--"we don't want to make our parents unhappy.  If they call me when I am sick I tell them I'm okay." 

Quote
Would you tell them if you had cancer? Would you tell them if it was diabetes?

I think even with that, I certainly wouldn't tell my grandmother, and with my father it would be on a 'need-to-know' basis.  If I had diabetes I would have to explain why I wasn't having any cake. 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,112
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2009, 04:51:37 PM »
Oddly people make those exact same arguments for staying in the closet, don't they Nestor?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2009, 04:55:59 PM »

Indeed they do--and? 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,112
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2009, 05:09:47 PM »
Indeed they do--and? 

Many people would make the argument that staying in the closet, either due to homosexuality or HIV, is ultimately detrimental long term for one's own mental health.  Hard to complain about stigma when you only stigmatize yourself don't you think?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2009, 05:52:26 PM »


 I think Phylica Rashaad is about to give me a seizure...
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Nashvegas

  • Member
  • Posts: 196
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2009, 06:43:31 PM »
I don't think you're wrong not to tell your family, but I'll admit I've struggled with the same issue.  If I had cancer, I'd definitely tell my family members.  If I had been diagnosed as HIV-positive in 1983, I would have told them.  But, having been diagnosed in 2006, it's not at all clear to me that this is something I need to tell them about.  Mainly because I'm fine physically right now and there's nothing they could do for me.  And they'd worry themselves to death over me. 

There may come a time when I'm ready to tell them, because they truly need to know.  But that day isn't here yet for me. 
8/12/06 - sero-conversion
9/14/06 -- Positive Test results confirmed
9/21/06 -- CD4 - 586; viral load 8,000; 29%
12/25/06 -- CD4 - 373; VL 2,800; 23%
2/10/07 - CD4 - 228; VL 865; 25%
3/15/07 -  CD4 - 365 (no viral load test)
5/1/07 = CD4 - 341; VL 4,358; 27%
8/1/07 - CD4 - 315; VL - 2,300; 25%
9/20/07 - CD4 - 378
11/22/07 - CD4 - 257; VL 7,300;
2/27/08 - CD4 231 (16.5 %), VL 5,960
5/20/08 - CD4 229 (18.3%), VL 11,100
6/17/08 - CD4 166 (14.5%), VL 9,030
6/17/08 - STARTED VIRAMUNE + TRUVADA
7/2/08 - CD4 272 (20%), VL 113  :-)
7/16/08 - CD4 -217 (21.1 %), VL - Undetectable
7/30/08 - CD4 - 220 (20.4%). VL - 92
8/14/08 - CD4 - 280 (22%) VL-undetectable
1/04/09 - CD4 - 250 (28%) VL-UD
5/15/09 - CD4 -393 (28%) VL-UD
8/15/09 - CD4-346, (26%) VL-UD
11/15/09 - CD4-373 (28%)

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2009, 06:48:49 PM »

 I think Phylica Rashaad is about to give me a seizure...
Indeed, she's having that effect on me, too.  However, she speaks the truth about the closet, stigma, etc.  In fact, my parents were both a bit upset that I hadn't felt comfortable telling them about my diagnosis before I did.  I explained that I hadn't really even come to terms with it yet and didn't feel like I could tell them until I had.  Of course, the 4L/min of oxygen I was receiving in the hospital made it a lot easier to talk about.  I was high as hell from that and felt sooooo good I could have talked about anything to anybody!
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2009, 06:53:12 PM »
Hello,
I dont think you are wrong in not telling your family.

Everybody here will have their own points of view about disclosure to family...but personally, I think it all depends on the person who has to disclose, if they feel ready or not and thier level of comfort with having their family know....or not know.

I found it impossible to keep it from my mum from the first day...and I told her  that day. Friends have come to know with time...and I only tell someone when I feel I am ready, and when I know I can handle the consequences of telling them...be it acceptance or rejection.

So its your right to tell your family or not....and its a right you earned the hard way!

Goodluck!


Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,204
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2009, 07:38:21 PM »
In fact, my parents were both a bit upset that I hadn't felt comfortable telling them about my diagnosis before I did.
absolutely every friend and family member "complained" to me how disappointed they were that I had not confided sooner. ;D Pretty amazing for living down in the Bible Belt and having only been out of my Baptist high school and college for just a few years. ;) I guess telling them I was queer several years earlier had taken all the sting, surprise and shock out of anything else I could tell them. ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2009, 07:53:24 PM »
Indeed, she's having that effect on me, too.  However, she speaks the truth about the closet, stigma, etc. 

LOL both speaking of the avatar of course!  Not the wise words spoketh by it's owner.  Although, the way she flashes and her head gets bigger I swear those words are coming from her in a I told you so type manner.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline northernguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,347
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2009, 10:25:47 PM »
For a couple of reasons I haven't told my mum, or brother.  No real need to, at least at this point.
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline iking2009

  • Member
  • Posts: 49
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2009, 12:46:38 PM »
Thanx 2 everyone for your thoughts!!!
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
-- Rita Mae Brown

Offline MarcoPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 396
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2009, 01:47:18 PM »
Ok--I have NO idea about how this IS or ISN'T like being closeted about one's sexual orientation--but I think consideration of how the person hearing my disclosure will feel and deal with it is a VERY thoughtful way to go about it.  I mean--its not ALWAYS about me, ya' know.  Sometimes when people heard my status they got angry, sad, uncomfortable, began instant greiving, numb--you name it.

Disclosure of status to loved ones is a relationship-based issue.  To me that means the emotions of all persons involved should be considered.  I've told everyone I've felt needed to know in a way and in a time that made sense for our relationship--there are some in my life(very few) who don't know my status--but then that's based on the relationship too.

Not telling them is definitly not a sign of stigma--moreso a sign of relative importance of the relationship.

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2009, 02:42:57 PM »
Not telling them is definitly not a sign of stigma--moreso a sign of relative importance of the relationship.
Or of fear of rejection, alienation, feeling stupid, or any number of other feelings that 'belong' entirely to the one considering the disclosure. 
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2009, 03:10:41 PM »
I agree completely with MarcoPoz, below.  First, to get back to iking's question, I do not think your parents have a RIGHT to know anything that you don't want to tell them, because to assert that they do means that you do not have a right to privacy.  People have a right to know only things that intimately concern themselves.  Secondly, you ask whether you are being selfish; I don't think you are at all.  In not wanting to make your parents worry, there might be a selfish element (insofar as their worrying would be unpleasant for you) but the principal motive appears to me to be quite unselfish: you don't want them to worry because you care about them and don't want them to suffer needlessly.  Indeed you say that it "would kill them"; wishing to spare them that suffering strikes me as quite unselfish indeed.  

The one argument for telling your parents is this.  If you have a very intimate relationship with your parents, sharing everything and talking about everything together, then over time your keeping your HIV a secret from them would begin to take its toll on that intimacy.  Since I do not have such a relationship with my father that is not an issue for me, and if we were to start such a relationship tomorrow there are far older and bigger issues than my having HIV that we'd have to hash out first.  

 Miss Philicia, you write:  

Quote
Many people would make the argument that staying in the closet, either due to homosexuality or HIV, is ultimately detrimental long term for one's own mental health.

This would depend on whom one was staying in the closet from and about what.  If we followed this philosophy to its logical conclusion, we would never have the right keep anything to ourselves; we would have no privacy, no discretion.  

I am not a fan of the argument that because something is a bad idea in one case it's necessarily a bad idea in a quite different case.  I don't think homosexuality is a bad thing; having HIV, however philosophical I might be about it, is.  Therefore the distress that would be caused one's parents in the one case is not on the same order as in the other.  However, even there, if someone's parents are likely to be violently angry about his being gay, why shouldn't he spare himself the grief and just draw a discreet veil over his private life?  As for being detrimental to one's own mental health, I think the detriment would come either from active lying (as when someone "in the closet" pretends to have a girlfriend) or from a slow break-down in intimacy in a relationship that used to be close, as I suggested above.  Neither one is applicable in my case.  To tell my father that I have HIV would do nothing for my mental health, I assure you, and it would occasion some distress for him.

I think, too, that when we live with something for a time it becomes very difficult for us to appreciate with any accuracy what that thing looks like from the outside.  Living with HIV for more than five years now as I have, I am sometimes amazed by the tone in which people speak of HIV who do not spend much time thinking about it: many people hear "HIV"--especially in connection to someone they know--and it's still 1985 in their minds.  So in deciding whether to tell a parent, one has to consider not only what HIV means in one's own mind but what it would be in the mind of the parent.  

Finally, there is the question of motive.  Why would one tell?  In the case of someone who is in the late stages of cancer, as my mother was, or who is 92 years old, as my grandmother is, the one goal in our minds is to give that person as many pleasures and as few worries as possible.   Even without such grave issues to think about, I suspect a sign of maturity is that one bases the decision not on the consequences for oneself (I want to tell them because I want them to comfort me; I don't want to tell them because I'm afraid they'll scream at me) but rather on the consequences for them.  I will tell them because they will want to know; I will not tell them because it will make them unhappy.  This is what MarcoPoz means, I think, when he says "It's not always about me". 

A few years ago someone was talking about a question that had come up in his mind.  There were issues between his parents and him from his childhood that had never been resolved, and he wondered whether he should bring them up.  He decided against it.  He had asked himself: "Why would I?  What would it accomplish?"  He said "If you cannot come up with a good, convincing answer to those two questions, don't do it."  

I am not arguing agaisnt telling one's parents; that depends on the nature of the relationship in each case.  As I've suggested, if it's an intimate and "share-all" sort of relationship to begin with I think one should tell them.  But I do want to argue against the idea that there's some duty to tell them or something shameful or detrimental to oneself about not telling them.  
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #20 on: November 10, 2009, 03:24:01 PM »
I found out about my status about a year ago now. Initially, I knew that i wouldn't tell my parents/family right off. I thought I'd come around after i got more comfortable with myself & status...Well, now a whole year has gone by. I'm doing OK with everything, still not on meds, & my family still doesn't know. So the question is, am i wrong for keeping this from my family??  i think that if my parents knew, it would kill them, Way before hiv killed me. I feel like id rather take this secret to my grave.  Am i selfish???  Don't they have the right to know??

I think each of us has to evaluate our circumstances and make the choice that is right for you.  I have told one parent and not the other.  They are divorced and so they don't talk.  I work with the one and therefore think the need to know is greater.  I don't work with the other and have no compelling reason to share that information at this time. 

I realize that my choice may not be right for others... but it works for me.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,112
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #21 on: November 10, 2009, 04:30:36 PM »
I love the gay man that thinks Mommie is made of delicate, breakable china.  Trust, if anyone can handle bad news in the family it's the female.  This discussion comes up yearly on here, and while yes every situation can be different, I'd wager nine times out of ten it's the gay guy that can't handle the situation, not the parents.

All I'm asking here is for people to be honest about their situation and not try and cover it up with excuses.  If you're not mentally ready to tell Mommie than just say so, don't try and blame her for your own weakness.  And yes, if you're in the closet about your own sexuality just say so, because indeed it makes the issue of disclosure a double whammy and doubly difficult, but again don't blame the situation on your mother.  Seriously.

Let's think of things this way:  if two years from now you start shriveling up from HIV wasting is it really fair for you to lose 40 lbs. and your mother to sit there at Christmas looking at you and not knowing what's going on?
« Last Edit: November 10, 2009, 04:32:38 PM by Miss Philicia »
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2009, 04:54:28 PM »


 
Let's think of things this way:  if two years from now you start shriveling up from HIV wasting is it really fair for you to lose 40 lbs. and your mother to sit there at Christmas looking at you and not knowing what's going on?

  That's when you tell em you have a $500 a day crack habit.  That way they don't worry about your health unnecessarily. ;) :D
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline megasept

  • Member
  • Posts: 478
  • Steven here...
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2009, 05:51:49 PM »
No, you're not wrong.

No one but YOU, the patient (or perhaps a recent intimate sex partner), have the "right" to know your health situation(s). Not your boss. Not your coworker. Not your government. Not your neighbor. Not your third cousin.

Does telling someone improve your life? Is this person trustworthy? Are they judgmental concerning disease, illness, and those afflicted? Does this person love you ("like" doesn't count)? For those of us past middle age being gay was a "secret" that had to be painfully revealed or shamefully hidden. "Coming out" is good practice for HIV disclosure issues/strategies. Similar upside. Similar downside.

I told my Family to beat rumors to the punch. Only one Aunt has been supportive concerning my health, or even my personal life---everybody has known I'm POZ for 15 years. I have gained nothing from family disclosure, other than not being accused of keeping "secrets". Many HIV+ people are not supportive of other POZ.

In the end, it's empathy, not demographic similarity, that make the difference.

Public disclosure is dicey but important towards reducing stigma and gaining respect for our issues. With this post, I will complete that process. I recently "came out" as POZ to fight for what I personally need, a Public Option in U.S. healthcare reform. Here are two video links, one of which "outs" me as POZ:
Link #1:
http://storiesofhealth.org/video/54

Link #2:
http://www.fixourhealthcare.ca.gov/index.php/story/videos/13684/

-Steven ( aka 8) "megasept")
« Last Edit: November 10, 2009, 06:17:03 PM by megasept »

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,947
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #24 on: November 10, 2009, 06:30:38 PM »
Trust, if anyone can handle bad news in the family it's the female.  

Speak the truth!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,726
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #25 on: November 10, 2009, 06:30:57 PM »
All in due time.  And I agree with Gymrat that some OCD moms might be better off not knowing.  My mom saw me through a half dozen sero-discordant relationships, including sad stories, death, etc.  Back when it was a death sentence I promised to them I would never get HIV and I didnt.....  That was more than 20 years ago.  Dad's gone now.  Mom's getting on and is very obsessional about health so why give her this burden?
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #26 on: November 10, 2009, 06:52:45 PM »
I think it has more to do with your relationship with your family. My family and I are only partially involved in eachothers lives. I haven't told them because I don't think they care enough to be supportive. I think it would be easier for them to just turn their back on my rather than help and be supportive. Under these circumstances why tell?

I think telling soeone you have HIV is a personal decision.

It is also not fair to equate disclosing my HIV status with telling someone I have cancer or am gay. For one, I can't hide being gay. I can try, but the truth is, I'm gay. It's just part of who I am. If I had cancer, I wouldn't tell alot of people. It's none of their business. Sorry, but Cancer and HIV are not in the same category. As we all know, there are still many social issues surrounding HIV. It's too complex to make blanket statements regarding a persons choice to disclose.

The only times I think a person absolutely has to disclose is in an intimate or medical situations.

Ask yourself this? Is it going to help your current situation if you disclose? Someone said to me right after I found out that before I ever disclose to stop and consider my motivations for telling someone. Doing this has helped me avoid many painful and unnecessary situations.


Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,162
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #27 on: November 10, 2009, 06:54:06 PM »
Here are two video links, one of which "outs" me as POZ:[/b]
Link #1:
http://storiesofhealth.org/video/54

Link #2:
http://www.fixourhealthcare.ca.gov/index.php/story/videos/13684/

-Steven ( aka 8) "megasept")


Two very powerful and sobering videos of the crisis, that so many of us are dealing with today.  Thanks for sharing Steven.




Iking,

When the time is right, you will know.   I told all my family members, except my father, within weeks of my diagnosis back in 1985.  It is something that I never regretted, and something I felt I needed to do. But, It was also a very difficult thing to tell.   I have out lived two of them.  My mother died from breast cancer back in 2002, and my sister died of the same, several years ago. I miss them both.

There were also friends I've told, that have nothing to do with me.


Ray


Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,112
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #28 on: November 10, 2009, 07:20:00 PM »
I'm quite sure there have been several studies about family disclosure and how it relates to depression, and we all know that many studies have repeatedly shown depression in HIV patients to be much much higher than in the general population.  It's really kind of logical.  And, of course, depression can often lead to alcohol and drug issues down the road.

But hey, what's a few data points?  Most of you have made up your mind about this issue.  And all in the first year or two of your diagnosis.  That's rather impressive.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,675
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #29 on: November 10, 2009, 08:14:54 PM »
How sad that so many of you, think so little of your parents and the role you play, in thier lives. Whatever issues you may have with your parents, I can tell you, as a parent myself, that you are seriously under estimating your parents. Thier is no greater love or power than that between mother and child and to just ignore your parents, when you have a real issue, can be horribly unfair. The reason is simple. I would give my life for my daughter and if I knew she could not tell me something, I would be crushed.

I know familes can suck, mine did, but that had no influence on how I raised my daughter. My love for her does not waver and while I may not like something she does, it will never change how I fell about her.  That's the thing about parents. As you grow, we already know all the horrors you can face and for most of us, our greatest fear is that we can do nothing to help you, in your time of need. If you have a decent relationship with your parents, I ask you to consider why you would exclude them from this facet of your life.

Please don't discount the strength most parents possess and please consider just how much right, you have to keep something like this from them. If the answer involves other issues, like also being gay, again I ask that you consider allowing your parents to be there for you, in whatever capacity you believe would be helpful. We have had a few nasty health scares in our family and I don't know what I would do, if Kate wasn't there for me, the same way, that I have been there for her.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2009, 08:16:56 PM by killfoile »

Offline megasept

  • Member
  • Posts: 478
  • Steven here...
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #30 on: November 10, 2009, 09:39:04 PM »
How sad that so many of you, think so little of your parents and the role you play, in thier lives. Whatever issues you may have with your parents, I can tell you, as a parent myself, that you are seriously under estimating your parents.

You mention being a good father, but coming from an unsupportive family.

In my case, I seriously overestimated my Parents. And it is no better in 2009 (gay and POZ) than in 1978 when I painfully disclosed my sexuality, except that my current expectations are miniscule. Disclose with caution, or low expectations! Pray for the best.

-Steven ( 8) megasept)

« Last Edit: November 10, 2009, 09:50:26 PM by megasept »

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #31 on: November 10, 2009, 09:44:04 PM »
Let's think of things this way:  if two years from now you start shriveling up from HIV wasting is it really fair for you to lose 40 lbs. and your mother to sit there at Christmas looking at you and not knowing what's going on?
Sounds familiar.  Thanksgiving '06 was spent at my mom's house, as is every Thanksgiving.  What was different that year was that I spent 90% of the meal on the couch.  I ate two, maybe three bites of food.  I was exhausted.  All that week, I was barely able to walk across the yard.  When I walked to my car, I had to sit and catch my breath before I could drive.  I was looking good, however, as I'd lost over 20 lbs in a couple of weeks.  A few days later, I ended up in the hospital with severe PCP pneumonia with multiple IV antibiotics and various fluids, full telemetry monitoring, and a nasal cannula for oxygen.  My mom lives in the same town, and I knew she'd call me at home or at work, and that she would wonder where I was.  I did not feel that lying to her was the right thing to do. 

If somebody is wondering whether or not to disclose to their family, they probably should.  The fact that they're even considering it indicates, to me, that their family is part of their life, that there is some legitimate reason for their disclosure. 

How sad that so many of you, think so little of your parents and the role you play, in thier lives. Whatever issues you may have with your parents, I can tell you, as a parent myself, that you are seriously under estimating your parents. Thier is no greater love or power than that between mother and child and to just ignore your parents, when you have a real issue, can be horribly unfair. The reason is simple. I would give my life for my daughter and if I knew she could not tell me something, I would be crushed.
What Joe describes is how my family felt after finding out I'd been HIV+ for 9 months before disclosing.
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,204
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #32 on: November 10, 2009, 09:52:04 PM »
i guess, after having read throught this thread, that perhaps this discussion should be framed in a different manner. Telling your family, iking, depends. Are they part of your support network? Are they the people you have turned to and will turn to in the hard times, and your times of need?

I would always recommend you telling the people in your support network, otherwise what the heck good are those people then if not to give you support as you try to live and deal with HIV? LOL  :D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline tommy246

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 435
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2009, 03:24:29 AM »
My parents would totally support me i know but they are in there seventies and i see no reason whatsoever to tell them nowadays you can live along healthy life with hiv whats to gain out of telling elderly parents. We are all different some people might feel guilty or need there support not my case i told my wife and brother no one else . There is stigma with this illness through lack of information and its not my job to educate the village its the goverments. Alot of people only disclose other serious illnesses to a few people as well, at the end of the day there is no right or wrong its down to the individual and ones circumstances.
jan 06 neg
dec 08 pos cd4 505 ,16%, 1,500vl
april 09 cd4 635 ,16%,60,000
july 09 ,cd4 545,17%,80,000
aug 09,hosptal 18days pneumonia cd190,225,000,15%
1 week later cd4 415 20%
nov 09 cd4 591 ,vl 59,000,14%,started atripla
dec 09  cd4 787, vl 266, 16%
march 2010  cd4 720 vl non detectable -20  20%
june 2010  cd4  680, 21%, ND

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #34 on: November 11, 2009, 04:06:48 AM »
There is stigma with this illness through lack of information and its not my job to educate the village its the goverments.

Holey moley Jesus!  I've read this line about 5 times and still can't make sense of it.  In my honest opinion it is this very attitude that helps the stigma fester on with success.  Luckily for us not every individual shares this opinion though.

I've told everyone who knows me.  The ones that are still around, God bless them... the ones that gave their ass to kiss, fuck em.  People at my work know also, and I've never heard anything said to or about me and I consider myself one of the most popular employees there.  I actually have co workers ask me how were my labs were because they knew I was getting them checked and I've had this conversation at work many times where anyone can hear.  I get questions from fellow employees regarding HIV occasionally and to tell the truth have not faced any negativity from anyone.  So you see Tommy I think people like you and I can make a difference, because if we wait on the government to do their job....well I think we know it just won't get done.


So where does that leave us?
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,947
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #35 on: November 11, 2009, 05:58:17 AM »
lack of information and its not my job to educate the village its the goverments.

When my parents found out, and my extended family, I did everything I could to educate them.  This was back in '89 and '90, and the family was grateful that I gave them the information that I did.  I can't believe you wouldn't want to educate people.  How else will this stigma end?   Should people just keep on "assuming" things about people with HIV, because we choose to hide, and want someone else do the job?  Geesh.

My family has been very supportive.  If I would have waited to tell them until I was going through severe wasting in '94, I would have felt extremely guilty. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,726
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #36 on: November 11, 2009, 06:17:12 AM »
Let's think of things this way:  if two years from now you start shriveling up from HIV wasting is it really fair for you to lose 40 lbs. and your mother to sit there at Christmas looking at you and not knowing what's going on?

Well you got a point that mommy isn't fragile but then again toward the end of life is mommy capable of the attitude adjustment and educational input about HIV being manageable? Maybe you are right.  Not sure.  My mom would worry herself nonstop and she's sick and going to die in the next few years. 

You are fear mongering here about the HIV wasting, because how many people face that future nowadays? Which is just the point some of us are making.  Overall it would be better to tell and be open universally.  Better for the population and better for the individual. Improvements in each sphere effect the other. 

So why use the old fears now, Miss P - as an argument to disclose?  When for instance the thread about aging with HIV details all kinds of new things to fear, wasting and death from AIDs not among them.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #37 on: November 11, 2009, 06:40:41 AM »
You are fear mongering here about the HIV wasting, because how many people face that future nowadays?

I must be special then, because my doctor just noted that I was suffering from HIV wasting on my chart.  This after only being positive for a little over 4 years and on meds for 3. 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,726
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #38 on: November 11, 2009, 07:26:25 AM »
Hmm, someone (me) isn't getting the right info, then.  I better have a talk with my HIV specialist, Dr. Rosy Picture. 
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline tommy246

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 435
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #39 on: November 11, 2009, 08:19:39 AM »
Holey moley Jesus!  I've read this line about 5 times and still can't make sense of it.  In my honest opinion it is this very attitude that helps the stigma fester on with success.  Luckily for us not every individual shares this opinion though.

I've told everyone who knows me.  The ones that are still around, God bless them... the ones that gave their ass to kiss, fuck em.  People at my work know also, and I've never heard anything said to or about me and I consider myself one of the most popular employees there.  I actually have co workers ask me how were my labs were because they knew I was getting them checked and I've had this conversation at work many times where anyone can hear.  I get questions from fellow employees regarding HIV occasionally and to tell the truth have not faced any negativity from anyone.  So you see Tommy I think people like you and I can make a difference, because if we wait on the government to do their job....well I think we know it just won't get done.


So where does that leave us?
Okay skeebo you have a point but like i said we are all different and in different circumstances i wish sometimes i could be like you but i cant i also wouldnt tell everybody i knew if i had cancer or other serious illnesses its got fuck all to do with them just as me being hiv poss has got fuck all to do with them so why should i try and educate some guy i work with who is nothing to me .
jan 06 neg
dec 08 pos cd4 505 ,16%, 1,500vl
april 09 cd4 635 ,16%,60,000
july 09 ,cd4 545,17%,80,000
aug 09,hosptal 18days pneumonia cd190,225,000,15%
1 week later cd4 415 20%
nov 09 cd4 591 ,vl 59,000,14%,started atripla
dec 09  cd4 787, vl 266, 16%
march 2010  cd4 720 vl non detectable -20  20%
june 2010  cd4  680, 21%, ND

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #40 on: November 11, 2009, 08:55:28 AM »
so why should i try and educate some guy i work with who is nothing to me .


Tommy,

    See you and I are much different obviously.  I tend to care about my coworkers and have built many friendships through my job.  Outside of the time I told HR my status, it pretty much all started with a young lady who told me her boyfriend gave her herpes.  After telling her about myself, I advised her to get a full std panel done along with a HIV test.  Then as time went along and I built more and more friendships it became known when I was sick.  Now if I so much as take a personal day I have people calling me asking if everything is OK.  

    I don't know man.  Perhaps it's my charming personality, or my deep raspy voice, or my long flowing mane.... people just like me man. ;)  Well except here of course, but I think it's because I don't use enough emoticons.

Hmm, someone (me) isn't getting the right info, then.  I better have a talk with my HIV specialist, Dr. Rosy Picture.  

  Yeah she's specially trained to deal with the newly diagnosed with the snotty nose and tear filled eyes. ;)
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #41 on: November 11, 2009, 10:01:20 AM »
... them so why should i try and educate some guy i work with who is nothing to me .

I wonder how many of us would still be negative if somebody 'gave a fuck' and tried to educate us, even though we might have been nothing to them.  I'm truly glad that people like Jan, with her face on the side of a bus, and Ann, with her work in the forums (especially in the 'Am I Infected' forum), and many, many more people here try to educate folks who are 'nothing to them'.  I'm not saying we should all say to the guy down the hall 'Hey, I've got AIDS' or 'I'm HIV+; would you like to know more', but as a blanket statement, it's pretty selfish.  I'd word it a different way.  Why shouldn't you try and educate some guy / gal you know or work with who is nothing to you?  We may not all be activists, for whatever reasons, but remember the old bumper stickers from the '80's - 'Think Global, Act Local'?

Hmm, someone (me) isn't getting the right info, then.  I better have a talk with my HIV specialist, Dr. Rosy Picture.  
That sounds like reason enough for us to educate.  Obviously, some professionals aren't doing it.

(edited for a spelling mistake)
« Last Edit: November 11, 2009, 02:27:26 PM by David_NC »
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline MarcoPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 396
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #42 on: November 11, 2009, 10:08:49 AM »
Speak the truth!

I'd have to respectfully disagree here with both BT and Miss Phillicia.  Although in some of the studies I've worked with concerning disclosure suggest that female family members are more frequently the first to hear an HIV disclosure, I'm not sure that the grand assumption that somehow they accept the news better than male counterparts solely based on their gender is neccessarily true.

I'm still inclined to believe that it has more to do with the depth and importance of the relationship.  Ask those who have had sisters, mothers, aunts etc, respond negatively to an HIV disclosure. 

Offline max123

  • Member
  • Posts: 377
  • Carpe Diem
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #43 on: November 11, 2009, 11:18:15 AM »
hi people.

really great, thought provoking thread...being somewhat newly diagnosed and grappling with this very issue myself, i can relate to all said. all of you raise some pretty compelling points and thanks for your openness. as i see it, each case is different in circumstances, as is each pozzie's priorities. my thoughts thus far have been to focus on dealing with hiv+ and educating myself on as many aspects of hiv as i can, so that i can in turn, be armed with the necessary info to provide sound education where needed, when i disclose to family. for me, it's what i see as the proactive approach required to minimize the drama and fear of the unknown that i'm pretty sure the hiv bomb will initially cause for my family.

as for educating the general public on hiv, i would have to agree with many of the posts supporting it. if one of us can help make a difference in someone else's life and perhaps circumvent yet another hiv+ statistic, that would be a great thing. david_nc is right on track.

mecch:
Hmm, someone (me) isn't getting the right info, then.  I better have a talk with my HIV specialist, Dr. Rosy Picture.

that may in fact be a good idea. the dr. rosy picture mentality is exactly that. i got a similar spiel from my doc until i took the convo one step further, passed her "generally speaking" terms. the bottom line is what we all need to face is the reality of the matter. this is one of the concerns that i personally have and have raised in other posts. while today's meds can potentially allow a majority to live out a normal life, there is no guarantee that any one of us won't fall into the minority that doesn't, and yes, that sucks, but it is what it is. hence the importance of keeping ourselves as mentally & physically healthy as we can to try and improve our odds. moreover, even being in the "majority" does not mean that life without oi's or worse are guaranteed not to occur...just listen to some of what the lts folks have told us in other threads.  additionally, today's meds, although technically safer than yesteryear's meds, still have the potential for long term side effects that we do not know about yet. lastly, as in skeebo's case (and i'm sure in others'), there are still symptoms that hiv itself can incite, e.g. wasting syndrome. while it's important for us to maintain positive outlooks for our lives, we also need to be cognizant of all the potential pitfalls that come with this disease.

peace.

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline tommy246

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 435
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #44 on: November 11, 2009, 12:32:22 PM »
I take all your points on board but its to difficult to generalise everybodys situation ,personality,family set up etc etc is different its down to what the individual person is comfortable with,and in my case i am content just telling my wife and brother do you understand that or are you saying i have a responsibility to the hiv community to spread the word and due to present day stigma ruin my life my wifes ,daughters and family. Now i am aware that this is wrong but i want to be honest with you so dont come down on me like a ton of bricks but i am 11 months pos and at the moment feel embarrassed about my hiv status even though i know i shouldnt be its a virus that anyone can get but its how i truly feel. Maybe that will pass in time i dont know,maybe things in the states have moved on alot more than here in europe i am from the uk ,living in spain.
I hope you understand i am not saying i am right buts its how i feel right now. I know how my small community think i have a restaurant and they would be saying dont eat in there youll get aids,awful isnt it,how backward people are and uneducated but thats how it is,my daughter would get tortured at school kids can be cruel you know .
jan 06 neg
dec 08 pos cd4 505 ,16%, 1,500vl
april 09 cd4 635 ,16%,60,000
july 09 ,cd4 545,17%,80,000
aug 09,hosptal 18days pneumonia cd190,225,000,15%
1 week later cd4 415 20%
nov 09 cd4 591 ,vl 59,000,14%,started atripla
dec 09  cd4 787, vl 266, 16%
march 2010  cd4 720 vl non detectable -20  20%
june 2010  cd4  680, 21%, ND

Offline iking2009

  • Member
  • Posts: 49
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #45 on: November 11, 2009, 02:35:27 PM »
My parents are very loving & very supporting in every aspect of my life.  It's not that i don't think they'll love or support me less, i just honestly don't feel the need to tell them. My parents barely even know about my lifestyle. I remember once, when i was maybe 13 or 14, my mom asked me, "You're not gay, are you?"  Of course, i said no. My father, nor anybody else in my family has every questioned me.  I always told myself that if they asked me seriously, i would tell them yes. I know that any mother who raises her child will know if their child is gay or not.  I don't think my sexuality is a big deal anymore @ all. It is now my hiv status.

I guess you could call me "a little too secretive" or some may call me a dishonest person.  It's all good. We all have flaws. But i won't let it hurt or worry my family, when its barely hurting me now. I wont underestimate this, but I'm just living in the moment for now. Life hasn't changed much for me since being diagnosed. So no. I don't plan on telling them until its necessary.  Being on poz.com is the next best thing, i guess.
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
-- Rita Mae Brown

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #46 on: November 11, 2009, 02:40:05 PM »
Tommy,
Read this quote from my post above:
Quote
I explained that I hadn't really even come to terms with it yet and didn't feel like I could tell them until I had.
 
Then read what I've put in bold from your post. 

I take all your points on board but its to difficult to generalise everybodys situation ,personality,family set up etc etc is different its down to what the individual person is comfortable with,and in my case i am content just telling my wife and brother do you understand that or are you saying i have a responsibility to the hiv community to spread the word and due to present day stigma ruin my life my wifes ,daughters and family. Now i am aware that this is wrong but i want to be honest with you so dont come down on me like a ton of bricks but i am 11 months pos and at the moment feel embarrassed about my hiv status even though i know i shouldnt be its a virus that anyone can get but its how i truly feel. Maybe that will pass in time i dont know,maybe things in the states have moved on alot more than here in europe i am from the uk ,living in spain.
I hope you understand i am not saying i am right buts its how i feel right now. I know how my small community think i have a restaurant and they would be saying dont eat in there youll get aids,awful isnt it,how backward people are and uneducated but thats how it is,my daughter would get tortured at school kids can be cruel you know .

You WILL do what's right, at whatever level that happens to be, when you are ready and have accepted that you are HIV+ and aren't embarrassed about it, among other feelings.  At some point, you may even want to do as many here have and do everything but shout it from the rooftops!   ;)  Not likely, I know, but the point is you will become more accepting of your status and may use the memory of those feelings to try to help and educate others. 

I've only told two people here at work that I'm HIV+; those same two happen to be friends of mine.  I will take the opportunity to correct or educate others when I notice ignorance about HIV.  Why don't I disclose to the entire office?  The office and I don't have a personal relationship like most families do.  I will add one more thing; the more I've disclosed, the more comfortable I've become.  It's like saying it and explaining it to others brings me a bit more peace and has helped me to forgive myself for getting infected in the first place.
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #47 on: November 11, 2009, 02:48:02 PM »
My parents are very loving & very supporting in every aspect of my life.  It's not that i don't think they'll love or support me less, i just honestly don't feel the need to tell them. My parents barely even know about my lifestyle. I remember once, when i was maybe 13 or 14, my mom asked me, "You're not gay, are you?"  Of course, i said no. My father, nor anybody else in my family has every questioned me.  I always told myself that if they asked me seriously, i would tell them yes. I know that any mother who raises her child will know if their child is gay or not.  I don't think my sexuality is a big deal anymore @ all. It is now my hiv status.

I guess you could call me "a little too secretive" or some may call me a dishonest person.  It's all good. We all have flaws. But i won't let it hurt or worry my family, when its barely hurting me now. I wont underestimate this, but I'm just living in the moment for now. Life hasn't changed much for me since being diagnosed. So no. I don't plan on telling them until its necessary.  Being on poz.com is the next best thing, i guess.

Some parents don't ask because they think it would make their child uncomfortable for them to know they are gay.  They also think that their children would tell them if they were gay.  Not all parents know, however, despite raising their children.  Some children can deceive so well and lie and omit parts of their lives that they hide their sexuality from their parents.  

Again, it's such a relief to be able to call my husband 'husband' or 'honey' in front of my family.  Hell, my mom even asked me if she should join on of the groups like PFLAG when I told her!  My parents, who are divorced, invite us both to family gatherings, get togethers, etc.  Basically, they treat him like they treated my wife when I was married.  Actually, they treat him better; they feel like he's nicer and more loving towards me.  Perhaps I've got a unique family or that I'm one that doesn't like to keep secrets - it's way too much work.  I do have a great family, I know many gay and lesbian folks who do too.  

If you haven't told them you're gay, then I can understand why you haven't told them you're HIV+.  For me, it gets harder and harder to be honest the farther I get from the truth.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2009, 02:53:24 PM by David_NC »
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline rmgjunk

  • Member
  • Posts: 30
  • Blue Lantern Corps!
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #48 on: November 11, 2009, 03:06:54 PM »
Hi Iking,

I found out my status recently and haven't told my family yet.  I also don't plan to do it for a while.

I think Miss Philicia is right about drawing a parallel between coming out and disclosing HIV status.  It feels the same to me, it's like going through all the same steps again, and I think I'll probably take the same, non planned approach:

- It will start with my closest friends (done already!)
- Next, I'll reveal it to people I like, but are not so close to me, like some old time coworkers, and to my favorite siblings.  When the time is right.  Probably after a glass of wine (or five).
- I think I'll never speak the words to my father.  I'm pretty sure he knows I'm gay, my whole family does, but he never mentions it, so I don't either.
- Finally, it will get to the point when I don't know who knows or not, and feel confortable about it.

I expect to find the same reactions also.  Some people handle it fine, some people can handle it like my father does - and I try to respect that.  On the education topic, I became the "gay reference" for several colleagues, and think I've done my share of "making the world a better place, little by little".  But I'm not ready to take that stand on HIV yet.  So, I'll take my time, and I think it's OK if you take yours also.  Don't feel pressured to disclose anything.

[]s
Roger
14-Sep-2009 Tested positive
Last labs: VL <47, CD4 441/29%
Current meds: AZT, 3TC, Nevirapine

Offline iking2009

  • Member
  • Posts: 49
Re: Am I Wrong???
« Reply #49 on: November 11, 2009, 03:16:40 PM »
Thanx Roger!  & I agree with you 100%
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
-- Rita Mae Brown

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.