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Author Topic: My last weekend without medicines...  (Read 2128 times)

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Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
My last weekend without medicines...
« on: August 17, 2006, 01:03:57 PM »
Hello all:

Well, just wanted to share with you some of my thoughts. As I said in a previous post, I'll begin treatment next Monday. So I decided that tomorrow (friday), I'll go to the most gay place in the city, and dance and smile as hell. I wanna share this day with my friends. I wanna feel that I still have my life. I know it sounds kinda fool, but I feel I need it.

I'll dress some crazy clothes I bought while in Europe. I'll go dance, I wanna see the lights, the crowd, feel the music. For one night, I do not want HIV to be part of my life. I want to feel that I am still sexy, and that I can get some looks from other boys. :)

And yes. I am somewhat sad :(

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline frenchpat

  • Member
  • Posts: 516
  • Love your friends, don't eat them.
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2006, 01:13:13 PM »
Alex,

I am sorry that you have to start meds but I would like to reassure you:
HIV+ is not written on your forehead ;) so I wouldn't worry about not getting the attention. Your smile and attitude towards life will get the boys (and men ;D) to look at you for many years to go. Unless you REALLY screw up in the clothing department that is... ;D ;D ;D

Big Hug for Monday :-* :-* :-*

Pat
People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline angels4kelly

  • Member
  • Posts: 305
  • IT JUST IS!!.....OKAY!
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2006, 07:54:05 PM »
Hi Alex,
Go out this weekend and have a really great time.
You can be sure though that it won't be your last!
Just because you are starting meds won't stop you from continuing to go out for a great time.
It may take your body some time to aclimate itself to your new meds, but you'll be feelin' like yourself again in no time ;D

Have just THE BEST time, Alex
and
BE SAFE!!!

Peace,
Kelly


                                             

                                             
                                                                             
POSITIVE SINCE-10/1990
CD4-610
CD4%-29.3
VL-UNDETECTABLE
VIREAD,VIRACEPT, EPZICOM

MOST RECENT...
10/9/2006
CD4's-714
CD4%-30%
VL-Undetectable
DIAGNOSES POSITIVE 10/90
SAME MEDS, VIREAD, VIRAMUNE, EPZICOM.

SHOOT FOR THE MOON! YOU MAY MISS,
BUT YOU'LL LAND IN THE STARS :)

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
 
Failure is not in falling down,
but the staying down

Offline appleboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
  • Just me!
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2006, 08:08:12 PM »
Don't just go out this weekend and get the looks do it ALWAYS!  Why?  Cause you can because you are a beautiful person!
Chin up and smile lots!
AppleBoy
If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!
My Blog

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2006, 09:42:17 PM »
Hello Alex, it is Eldon. Go out and have yourself a good time!!! Not just today but as Appleboy said ALWAYS!!!

When life gives you a Lemon, make some Lemonade out of it!

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: My last weekend without medicines... (Long)
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2006, 11:51:53 PM »
Hi all:

Wow. Your words are so comforting. I really appreciate your time.

I have just arrived home. I went to pick up my medicines. (Here, I am copying blondbeauty, adding a pic of my new "addiction"). I am in my room, (I locked the door). My mom is outside, worried about many other things in life. She doesn't know what is going on on the other side of that door. Thank God everybody thinks I am kinda crazy, so I hope my last-month-strange-behavior fits into that category.

I am staring at the meds. Many things cross my mind. Trying to figure out why me? I am catholic, and I am not a saint, and I cannot help but wonder "Why me"? . I do not think God is punishing me. But, why me? If God does it all for some reason, which is that reason? If everything fits into a "greater picture, a greater good" I simply want to understand how the fact of me having HIV helps the universe or fits into that greater plan.  Why are murderers, people molesting children, terrorists, living perfectly well, and I have, at 25 , to begin to take medicines for the rest of my life? What have I done wrong (besdies, obviously having sex unprotected, even when I cannot remember the exact time of possible exposure)?

Why? Why? I went to a church last night. With a friend. And I asked God. He did not answer.

While writing this, I cannot stop the tears coming out from my eyes, going down my face. I always dreamt of a huge house, with my wife/husband (I am bisexual) , with huge gardens, and full of our children. I specialy dreamt about touching my baby while still on his/her mother's womb. I dreamt about talking to him or her and that he/she would recognize my words, and would kick his/her mother, and we both would laugh. I dreamt about  my son or daughter telling me I was going to be granpa. God, , if you have Internet, and you are reading this, you know I dreamt all that.

Suddenly, it seems like all around me is about babies and grandpas. When I look at them , It hurts me. I can only hope that they realize how happy they are. How lucky they are. And that they never get anything like this.

I look at this two boxes. I know that it will be like Pandora's box. Once that I open them, I will never be able to close them back. I know I will begin a process that has no return. It's scary. The myth says that , when everything was released, then Hope was in the box. And that's the only thing that the humankind was able to keep.

Hope.  Hope in God, in science perhaps... That they find medicines to at least keep us alive. And not half dead with those f***ing side effects. Hope that our next lab tests do not show that monster replicating inside of us, destroying our defenses, in a new , more sophisticated mutation, that simply laughs at us and our medicines.

I'll get some water, and then, I'll go to sleep.I think I need it. For now, Pandora's boxes will stay closed.

Alex

[attachment deleted by admin]
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2006, 12:07:49 AM »
Hi Alex, I just wanted to let you know that things will work itself out fine for you. Stay in good spirits, get plenty of rest, and eat a proper diet. The support you are seeking is here for you.

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2006, 12:17:12 AM »
Alex... Then on Monday...  You can do all that same stuff, feeling the same way you did on Friday...  Nothing is going to change... Dont let the noodle do these little games with you.... Don't let it...

Love Ya Hon....  Boogie down tomorrow,  will be thinking of you...  Dont be sad either!

Offline portuguesecouple

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2006, 08:16:43 PM »
Hi Alex
your writtings about your dreams and your tears going down in your face, truly remember me... I feel what you said so many times. When my boyfriend (for 6 years, husband next month) discovered he was poz in February with 23 years old and I  with 22, all our world and plans were cut in some way, although we'll fight to make all of our dreams stand up and to turn them true... My boyfriend needs to start meds too, but we are waiting to start after our wedding next month... We never expected this to happen when he asked to marry me.... but no one believes until things occurs to ourselves. But think that love is all that matters. And we love each other each day more... It 's not worth to think about how would have been ourlives if this didn't have happen... we have a life to live the best as we can, and I'm sure that we (poz or loving poz) can give value to life and enjoy it deeper than persons who are perfectly well and think they are immortal and that life lasts forever. Nobody will leave forever and no one knows when he's going to leave this life. no one. it's a non expected moment to everyone.
I forget to tell my test came back negative until may, the last i did.

I hope that you find strength and believe that you can be father and grandpa... and everything you want. The dream commands the life. Look at so many poz for 20 years that never thought to be grandpas and now they are. And hiv was a harder burden at that time than it is today....

<kisses and only loose hope the day we die....
Madalena and Nuno

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2006, 02:06:33 PM »
Lovely picture of your meds. Mine is out of focus  :P We all know how are you feeling today because we all felt the same. But you will be able to have healthy children and live the life you want.
Why you? Why me? Why all of us? Why is there so many people in the world dying of curable infections because they dont have clean fresh water? Why do we throw away the excess of food production to keep the prices up while half of the world dies of starvation?
God has nothing to do with that and life is not fair. We are in much better position than the 90% of the world.
Be happy because you have a family, friends, etc. Those are the most important things in life.
I am happy. I have much more than what I probably deserve.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2006, 02:08:31 PM by blondbeauty »
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: My last weekend without medicines...
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2006, 02:11:14 PM »
Oh...I forgot! I satrted meds a few days ago. The first two days where a bit tough (but only a bit). Now everything is as it was before. I only hope meds are working as expected.  ::)
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

 


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