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Author Topic: When to Tell???????  (Read 1305 times)

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Offline Desertguy

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  • Posts: 183
When to Tell???????
« on: October 11, 2009, 04:09:51 PM »
I have started seeing a lady that is not HIV+, we have seen each other a few times & I like her.  So when do you tell that you have HIV???
I have told her I am doing an AIDS walk in Palm Springs & she doesn't seem to have a negative reaction to that.
I have dated a few woman that are + so no question on that.

"Puzzled in the Desert"

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2009, 04:46:49 PM »
this is a hard decision ... i would think you should tell her before you are intimate and when you realize that you want to continue seeing her ... i don't think you have to announce on the first date but it needs to be out in the open before either of you are emotionally vested

it could go something like this ... "i really like you and i want to continue seeing you. for us to move forward, there is something i need to tell you" ...

of course you have to tell her before you are intimate .... you can't control her reactions but you can control yours

it's just my opinion, ultimately, you have to make this decision

good luck and congrats on finding someone to spend time with :-)

Offline WillyWump

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  • 1DPxR156NnouErf4f51CsCMubMYw84j5Kv
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2009, 07:14:26 PM »
It definately is a hard decision. For me a good guage is by the 3rd of 4th date, by then things start to ratchet up emotionally, and typically you might have a decent handle on how the person is. But definately disclose BEFORE intimacy.

Keep us updated, we're pulling for you!

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2009, 10:25:04 PM »
I have started seeing a lady that is not HIV+, we have seen each other a few times & I like her.  So when do you tell that you have HIV???
I have told her I am doing an AIDS walk in Palm Springs & she doesn't seem to have a negative reaction to that.
I have dated a few woman that are + so no question on that.

"Puzzled in the Desert"

  I really do not have any experience with the issue because I have only dated positive women. 

  When you say you like her do you mean you want a relationship with this woman or are you looking for a good time in the room with her?   Have to ask, you know the word "like" has many meanings when coming out of our mouth in reference to women.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline elf

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  • Posts: 596
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2009, 02:40:29 AM »
You may be lucky, women are more accepting of HIV+ people than males.  :(
Let's have a Kiki!

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2009, 09:56:51 AM »
You may be lucky, women are more accepting of HIV+ people than males.  :(

My wife was diagnosed when she was 18.  She said she disclosed to all her boyfriends and they didn't have a problem with it.  I laughed when she told me the first thing out of their mouths was, "Are you going to be OK?"
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2009, 08:57:44 PM »
Tell her before you have sex.   Anything more precise than that is up to you and how you feel about her. 

  As many of us know, rejection does happen.   So, take it easy and make sure you've got good support.   If you have feelings for her, then try to learn how she feels about the concept of dating a poz guy.    If you think it's worth it, let her know.  But, whatever you do, don't let it go too long before you disclose.  It's a big issue.   There are a lot of people who feel it is a violation of trust not to disclose something like this once a relationship gets serious.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline hivez

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2009, 01:28:20 PM »
not to highjack the thread, but thanks for the advice. iIm in a similar situation and was going to post  the same question :)

Offline CallMeSid

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  • Member
  • Posts: 88
Re: When to Tell???????
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2009, 11:57:17 PM »
I agree with the other respondents who endorsed telling her before you have sex.

I would encourage you to think about maybe telling her even before a hot and heavy make-out session.  Although you know and I know that she can't contract HIV from you via prolonged "French" kissing, SHE may not know that and that lack of knowledge may contribute to an unexpected (possibly unpleasant?) reaction on her part should you tell her about your status sometime after making out but before having sex.

While elf may be correct that ON AVERAGE women are more accepting of HIV+ people, that does not necessarily mean that THIS WOMAN will be accepting of a HIV+ sexual partner.  In the gay male community, I think it's common to at least assume it's possible that a new beau might be HIV+.  My impression is that in most segments of the heterosexual community, women who meet a new man don't usually ponder the possibility that he may be HIV+.

Some people find it helpful to sort of work HIV into the conversation, in a general sense, well prior the point of disclosure to sort of get a read on the other person's feelings/thoughts/comfort level on the topic.  You sharing the fact that you're doing an AIDS Walk is one way.  I know some people casually share a story about a friend who's HIV+ as a way of testing the waters before, eventually, disclosing their own status.  If, during the getting-to-know-you phase you and your new lady friend talk about past relationships, you might casually mention that one of your former girlfriends was HIV+.

Hope that helps.  Keep us posted.  Good luck!

~Sid
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

 


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