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Author Topic: jkinatl2 ... please read  (Read 11254 times)

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Offline j_friend

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jkinatl2 ... please read
« on: August 15, 2006, 08:39:24 PM »
Hello, my friend - it's been a while since I posted. I tried to PM you, but couldn't, so I wrote to your myspace.  I hope you get this message. :)

j

Offline j_friend

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Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2006, 10:49:25 AM »
Hi folks.  This is quite difficult to reveal, simply because I've been scared to death a few times before, and convinced I had HIV ... and yet, here I am again - in another situation - and this time, I'm scared my number may be up.  I can't even go to any friends, for I know I'll here the immortal line, "My gosh - WHY in the HELL haven't you learned?  What is wrong with you?"

I met a t-girl online about 12 days ago. I guess you could say I'm straight, but I have a thing for t-girls ... but then again, labels are limiting ... so let's just say I'm human. :) Anyway, this person came over - she/he was VERY beautiful and I could tell they took GREAT personal care. He lives his life as a woman, so I'll just say "she" from now on. Back to the story: We both performed oral sex on each other, and I noticed she was quite "small". I tasted a bit of precum, but didn't swallow any (I've been worried well twice before, so I didn't want to "go there" again). Since I've never been penetrated anally, and this person's penis was rather small, I thought I'd give it a shot. I was considering it while sitting on her stomach and chatting with her (I was going to get a condom), and then reached around and rubbed her penis tip on my hole. I then quickly started moving back on her penis, and suddenly I felt it penetrate slightly. Since I've never been penetrated, it hurt, and I jumped off and ran to the bathroom. I quickly grabbed some toilet paper and checked for blood, but found none. ANyway, I'm not even sure HOW much of her penis penetrated me ... maybe just the head, and it was for about ONE second - there was no thrusting, etc. When I came back, I decided NOT to do anal, and we just finished with her sucking me. After, I chatted with her about my concern. She laughed and said she NEVER knew penetrated me (that's how brief it was - she really had no idea ... but I definitely felt it going in). SHe also said she is VERY cautious, and NEVER has unprotected sex. Furthermore, she said she tested negative in June (two months ago).

Sure enough, the next morning ... I began obsessing - doing the old calling hotlines, internet reading, etc. I decided to call the t-girl to ease my nerves. She had me meet her and showed me her test results ... sure enough - negative, and for STD's too. It was dated June 2nd, and she siad she had protected anal intercourse in April, and that her ONLY unprotected anal was with a boyfriend over a year back. needless to say, I was grateful and relieved.  The only thing she'd done since April was have oral sex - and not too often.

So ... about seven-eight days after exposure, I began getting these little oral ulcers under one of my teeth on my gums ... they're still there, and they hurt a bit. Sure enough, I saw that oral ulcers are one of the many signs of ARS. And now, I'm back to obsessing. I know it's time to take a look at why I put myself at risk, obsess, get scared, and then do it again ... but here I am.

I may as well admit, when I obsess ... I OBSESS. The little ulcers are still on my gums (under one of my bottom teeth) and I feel pretty darn achey all over ... but I've been feeling my nodes non-stop, etc.

Anyway, like I said, it's embarrassing to reveal.  Some hotlines have actually congratulated me for being "safe", saying that it was a great thing that right when I felt the penis go in me, I got off ASAP. In addition, they say there nothing to worry about - that since there was no ejaculation, and if there was precum, my sailva was on it, and it had been exposed to air, and then penetrated me for a second ... that well, that's not how HIV works. But well ... as you all know, there's so much information out there - much of it differering. 

I guess I'd like some feedback on my situation ... I'm confused, scared, ashamed ... and I feel like I have no where to turn.  Thanks for reading ...

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2006, 12:16:21 PM »
Get mental help with guilt because you didn't have risk for HIV and the symptoms don't mean a thing. So end your posting now because the answers aren't going to change.

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2006, 12:36:51 PM »
Thanks Ron ... I guess my main concern is that the transexual's penis DID actually begin to penetrate me ... but it hurt, so I stopped immediately.  My obsession is that what if there was highly infected precum on the tip of the penis and it infected me when it very briefly penetrated.  I know ... it sounds obsessive.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2006, 12:40:21 PM »
The answers aren't going to change. You didn't have a risk.

Offline Ann

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2006, 01:33:24 PM »
j,

I remember you... and I hope you don't carry on this time like you did in the old forum.

It really doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about and you don't need to test over this specific incident. However, I do always stress that any sexually active adult should be having complete sexual health care check-ups at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

The thing is, what we call the anus is actually a circular muscle called a sphincter. In an anally sexually inexperienced person, when something tries to enter through this sphincter, the muscle will go into spasm and not allow anything to enter. This is the cause of the pain you felt. It does not sound as though you were penetrated at all. This is why we are saying you did not have a risk. If her penis was actually inside of you when the muscle went into spasm, she would have felt it.

You don't need to test over this incident, but make sure you keep up your regular, routine sexual health check ups.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2006, 01:56:12 PM »
Actually, Ann ... I did feel it penetrate me ... not to get too graphic, but I could feel it go inside. However, it truly WAS just a brief second or so.  BTW, I commend you on your memory - the last time I went through my "big fear" was in 2001 ... and it truly was hell.  Anyway, I guess the BIG worry for me is the sores on my gums - which are definitely visible and real.  And yes, the fact that I feel like I almost "deserve to be infected" and all the guilt - well, it's just MAJOR anxiety.  I really DO want to get through this fear with dignity this time - and I thank you for your feedback.  :)

Offline Ann

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2006, 02:13:33 PM »
j,

Sores on your gums have nothing to do with hiv infection.

And dump the guilt overboard. Nobody here is going to judge you over your sexual activities - risk assessment yes, judgement no. Don't let your feelings drive your head. At best you had a tiny, tiny, TINY risk. So tiny, you don't need to obsess over it.

If you haven't tested in a while, test at six weeks. When that comes back negative, as I fully expect it to, put this behind you (no pun...) and move on.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2006, 02:59:24 PM »
Thanks Ann ... I appreciate your advice and empathy.  It's so hard to realize that I'm probably OK when I keep seeing my sores on my gums, feeling my nodes, and feel achy. However, like I said, my anxiety is on overdrive right now.  Anyway, thanks for not judging ... and you're right, I need to take this guilt to the frickin' dump!

Offline j_friend

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Still scared ... HIV or OCD - I need HELP!
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2006, 02:04:20 PM »
Hi everyone. I posted over three weeks back, and I was concerned about a rather unusual exposure. To make a long story short, I met a transexual on the internet and "she" came over to my place. We had brief oral sex (where I noticed a bit of precum from "her"), and since she was rather "small", I thought I'd try anal.  As I was sitting on this person's lap discussing trying this, I was rubbing "her" penis against my hole.  It was moist from my saliva and I began to sit down on it ... and it began to go inside me.  As it was penetrating me, it hurt so I immediately jumped off and ran to the bathroom to see if there was any blood from it hurting ... I could see none on the toilet paper. Anyway, I came back to my room and she pleased me orally.  I discussed my fears of HIV with her, and she said she had tested negative on June 2nd (it was now Aug 4th).  My fear was this:  a penis pentrated me (although for only 1-2 seconds without any thrusting) ... and I was scared some highly infected  precum could have infected me. Since then, here's the series of events:

-The next day, "she" was kind enough to meet me for lunch and show me her results from June 2nd - negative for HIV and all STD's (she is
  very in-shape and seemingly health conscious.

-I was relieved, and I had also called a hotline that morning which said the esposure itself was not even worth testing over. I preceeded to
 go on a cruise to Mexico that I had planned and I had a great time

-fast forward to around 10 days post exposure.  I notices around five little ulcers on my gums under one of my bottom teeth. At first, I
 paid no attention - it was the day after I got back from my cruise, and I figured it could have been some of the food I ate, etc. However,
 I got on the internet that evening and sure enough, I noticed that mouth ulcers can be specific symptoms of Primary HIV infection. I
 know I'm a fairly obsessive person, and I feared I may get consumed with this fear ... and I was right.   It now seemd as though my
 nodes were swelling, and I even called the transexual for reassurance. 

- The transexual seemed quite understanding, and said that she would get a rapid test just to show me that she is currently negative. She
  said she'd call me when she got the results. 

- In the meantime, I continued to call hotlines, and I wrote on this forum as well.  The feedback I received from Ann was reassuing as
  well, but I couldn't get it out of my mind: I actually had the unprotected penis of a stranger enter me. I just couldn't erase the thought.

- I began to feel achy and I was feeling my neck constantly - checking my nodes, which now seemed to be rather swollen. I called a clinic
  around where I live (LA area) - this clinic specializes in Primary HIV Infection. I talked to the nurse, and she said that my exposure and
  symptoms did not qualify me for the testing the provide for their research. She told me to get tested at 3 months, and that my gum
  sores were probably not related to HIV.  She said she sees people everyday who are undergoing ARS, and it just didn't seem like my
  symptoms were indicitive of that.

- Even though I felt reassured, the obsession was alive in me. One minute I'd feel fine and on top of the world, and the next second I'd
  be convinced that I had HIV infection.

- I received a call from the transexual saying that she had her results from a rapid test ... negative! She met me and showed them to me,
  and naturally, I began to think that she has a friend who probably works at a clinic and that she made up her results.

- Anyway, since then, I've had good days and bad. Again, some days I think that I'm just fine, and yet just the other night I began having
  night sweats - I actually had a huge wet stain on my pillow sheet!  It seems like every time I try to breath easy, the next week brings a
  new symptom.

OK friends, I know I'm rambling. The logical part of me tells me that I'm worrying myself silly. The grown-up in me feels ashamed that I'm so scared and such a coward about this. The "straight guy" part of me feels that soon the secret will be up, and that I this is karma coming to get me for having sex with transexuals.  I can just picture you people out there, reading this, and rolling your eyes.  But, those mouth sores were real, the sweating at night (two and a half weeks after the mouth sores went away) is real, the swollen nodes are real, and I just can't wrap my mind around all of this.  I find myself constantly reading the internet. I find myself constantly needing reassurance just to make it through the day. I've been here before - this is my third time being so scared since 1996 (both brief unprotected insertive with transexuals) ... and I feel my number is up. I just feel that everyone (including me) is disgusted with me. The transexual is tired of me calling for reassurance, etc. 

Anyway ... that was a long rant on my behalf. Thanks for reading this, and any feedback would be appreciated. I've really been trying NOT to write here again because I don't want to annoy you people ... but today I need to.

Offline j_friend

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Re: Still scared ... HIV or OCD - I need HELP!
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2006, 02:08:59 PM »
One more thing ... as I reread my last post, I just want to clarify:  My first two scared were from VERY brief insertive anal, but this one is from VERY (1-2 sec) brief penetrative.

Offline j_friend

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Re: Still scared ... HIV or OCD - I need HELP!
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2006, 02:10:03 PM »
Damn ... by pentrative, I mean receptive. This time I was receptive.  As you can see ... I'm in total OCD mode over this. I'll try and chill-out now.

Offline Ann

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2006, 04:37:57 PM »
j,

I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep all your additional thoughts or questions in one thread.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.

Our answers aren't going to change from the ones you got a couple weeks ago. Save me having to type the same thing over again and just re-read your thread.

If you feel you have OCD, go see a therapist about it. This isn't the place to deal with OCD so don't even bother trying. Seek professional help.


Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2006, 04:53:14 PM »
Sorry Ann ... I truly am trying to cope with this, but that damn fear just keeps taking me over. My body is under a microscope, and it really sucks!  Anyway, thanks for being there.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2006, 09:46:46 AM »
Personally I don't see you as having been at risk for HIV in the incidents you're concerned about. Of course I don't live in your shoes, so ultimately you will have to decide if getting tested and collecting the inevitable negative result will be helpful to you. There's a good reason the nurse you first saw said your situation did not qualify for their research. Waste of time. Testing not needed.

So all of your concerns about lymph nodes, sores, etc., notwithstanding there is absolutely nothing here to indicate you have an HIV situation. What you do have is HIV jitters which is a whole different matter.

If your physical concerns persist you should check them out with your doctor.

As you have indicated you have been down this worried path before. Rather than spend more time and energy how about getting some professional help to deal with your sexually-related anxieties or whatever else is driving this totally unwarranted concern about HIV? Life is way too short to be spending in this kind of misery or at least that's how I see it.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2006, 10:29:28 AM »
I truly appreciate the response, Andy.  I know the ONLY way I can truly find out what is going on is to test. And yet, this time I feel that my number is up - I'm sure that sounds ridiculous. But, over the past ten years, I've had close friends and family members waiting with me as I find out results of extensive testing (PCR's, etc).  The interesting thing is that my risks weren't from kissing, hugging, touching doorknobs, etc. ... I was actually having risks, such as brief uprotected insertive with transexuals, etc.  And then, the worrying, the symptoms, etc. And, both previous times (in 1996, and 2001) I was "granted a pardon", so to speak. I was relieved, and yet after a year or so, the behaviors would resume.  So, perhaps that sheds some light on the situation.  This time, even though this person penetrated me "ever-so-briefly" ... I feel like I pushed the envelope too far, and ... well, I guess I feel I DESERVE to have HIV.  I know that sounds ridiculous ... but I feel like such a jackass.  I can't go to my family this time ... nor my friends - they've all seen me here before.

Oddly enough, I have a very responsible job, and on the outside ... I appear to be a rather well-adjusted successful single dad.  But, on the inside ... well, I'm just feeling alone and isolated. I don't even have the balls to see my therapist again ... simply because I feel I've "used him" to get through crisis after crisis.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. I know you people deal with anxiety-ridden posts each day, and I'm sure they must be tiresome. Any feedback from anyone would be appreciated.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #16 on: September 14, 2006, 11:12:57 AM »
When you are through with this orgy of self-attack and self-recriminations, (none of which by the way are any testament to your finer character), if you're REALLY serious about getting your life in hand, get yourself back into treatment and do the hard work of sorting things out.

My opinion is still the same regarding your risk.

The real issue is what drives you to repeatedly put yourself into self-abusive situations. It takes work to sort that out. As a parent you would be setting a very good life example for your child if you began taking better care of yourself.

Wringing your hands with guilt and anxiety is just a bunch of poop. And further, while you're indulging in that it makes you totally inacessible to others.

Your move.....
« Last Edit: September 14, 2006, 11:14:46 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2006, 04:45:39 PM »
Thanks Andy.  I set up an appointment with my counselor for Monday afternoon.  Moving on is something I want to do, but the symptoms continue to persist.  My mouth is still having sores, my nodes feel swollen, and I get a headache from time to time ... not to mention some sweating on my pillow at night.  Truth be told, these symptoms have been "on and off" for the past five weeks. They definitely didn't come at once, and come with a high fever where they "hit me hard" - I'll be the first to admit that. And, if it was a general tiredness I was experiencing, I think I could chalk it up to stress ... but with the node pain and mouth sores, etc. ... I just don't know.  I realize my words throw me right into the WW category. I realize that.  I'm just at a loss, I guess.  If this was the first time I've been here, I could reach out to friends and family. However, since I've put myself here through my own actions, I don't have the balls to let any of them know I'm suffering with this.

I agree with you, however.  In the healthiest of my moments, I understand that the VERY obsessing I'm doing now is VERY similar to the sexual compulsive "acting out" behaviors.  Both of them involve obsessing about ME and my own comforts.  Perhaps getting out of myself is KEY ... I have people I'm responsible for in my profession, and I have a son who's counting on me. Thanks for telling it to me straight ...

j

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2006, 03:29:27 PM »
I've been here enough to realize that symptoms, or lack thereof, are often said to not be focused on.  However, my symptoms have continued, and the most recent is "spot on" for HIV infection.  The insides of my cheeks are full of white, plaque-like spots.  My mouth has been burning throughout the day ... along with swollen nodes and still sweating every night.  Last night, I looked in the mirror at my mouth with a reading lamp in hand ... and I was astounded to see white spots and sores covering the back of my throat/esophegus.  It's definitely some form of thrush.  I'm also quite aware that thrush can happen in acute infection.

I've gone back to my counselor, who thinks most of this is my "fears" as well. But, I just can't get over my exposure and the incredible timing of these symptoms.  The fact that I was penetrated, albeit very briefly ... and that it hurt, just makes me think that infected precum was involved.

I have a job that demands me to be "present" ... as I teach.  And yet, I can't.  I'm walking around in a nightmare. After I shockingly saw my throat and mouth under that lamp last night ... I'm just consumed with anxiety.

I live a straigh life, and have secretly gone back to acting out ... and as I've said, I just feel like I have nowhere to turn. Aside from my counselor, I have no one to talk to and just go to bed when I get home from work.  I've tried to write a dozen times on here, but always end up deleting it just because I know what I must seem like to all of you. But, I feel this is real ... and I honestly feel my exposure, while short, was quite high. If anyone could explain why it wasn't a high exposure, I'd appreciate reading it ... my nerves are shot.


Offline Ann

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2006, 04:22:10 PM »
Quote
It's definitely some form of thrush.

J,

Wow, you put yourself through medical school and became a doctor in the space of a couple weeks? No? You didn't? Then why are you diagnosing yourself? Go show your spotty throat to a doctor.

It's got to be at least six weeks since your encounter. Go get tested, collect your negative result and get it over with. And take your throat to a doctor so you can find out what is really going on.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2006, 02:47:49 PM »
No, Ann ... I'm not a doctor (wish I made their money, though).   However, since my mouth burns, my throat is covered with whitish/yellow spots, and it's quite reddened, it just seems obvious to me. But, I guess hearing a doctor say "thrush" would even put me in more of a tailspin.  Right now, I'm just in a horrible mental space. For example, to test and find out I have HIV seems more frightening than thinking I "probably" have it.  Although that may sound insane, that is where my head seems to be right now. Presently, I'm going to counseling and trying to work up the courage to test ... and I have faith I will - I've worked up the courage several times in the past.  I realize from the eyes of someone living with HIV that the incredible fear and constant worrying of the posters on the Am I Infected forum must be exhausting and irritating  ... but whatever is going on with me is REAL.

Offline Ann

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2006, 02:56:27 PM »
J,

So what if hearing the word thrush puts you into a tail spin. If it actually IS thrush, which you don't know, the doctor will give you medication to get rid of it. And guess what else - thrush is very common and you do NOT have to be hiv positive to get it. So stop with the pity party and get to your doctor.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2006, 03:28:57 PM »
This is not meant to start up controversy or to offend anyone. The advice to TEST is awesome, and it really IS the only way to know if one is infected. With that said, I keep on reading that symptoms don't mean anything regarding HIV infection on this forum.  However, it seems that with some people who have ended up testing positive, the MAIN deciding factor which drove them to actually test was having ARS symptoms.  Don't get me wrong, I fully understand what is being said by the necessity of a TEST as opposed to obsessing over symptoms.  And, in a no-risk situation, I understand why letting symptoms drive one crazy is ... well ... crazy.  However, it does seem there are some situations (and I'll include myself) where the risk may not be HUGE, but the symptoms themselves can make one concerned.  So, in some cases, isn't it wise to look at symptoms?

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #23 on: October 02, 2006, 08:17:26 PM »
Most people don't test because of symptoms. Some believe they've had a risk and test. Others test for insurance. Some test because they are pregnant. I didn't have any symptoms what so ever. So your theory is incorrect.

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2006, 08:45:52 PM »
Rod ... I didn't say most people, I just said some.  I'm sorry if I came off as a pest - I'm just trying to communicate.  Times have been very tough for me lately ... and I don't have a lot of people to talk with about what's going on with me.  I see how you guys can get fed up with the constant posts from the WW's and all of the theories, no risks, etc.  I certainly don't want to annoy ... I'm just attempting to get through this rough time and work up the courage to test.  From your perspective that probably sounds ridiculous, but it's my reality; and right now, it's very difficult.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #25 on: October 02, 2006, 08:53:00 PM »
Look J,

I know that you're freaking out right now. You and most of the other unfortunates who post in this particular forum, but I gotta tell ya, sometimes Am I Infected? is the WORST place for people like you to hang around.

I've seen it eleventy-squillion times before. You'll keep posting sillier and sillier questions, ignoring the sage advice you've been given until you're a total mental wreck and none of us can stand the sight of you.

Don't do it to yourself doll. Get up, walk away from the computer and do something normal. Like go for a walk or harrass the cat.

MtD

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #26 on: October 02, 2006, 09:17:41 PM »
MtD ...

Thanks for making me laugh - I guess I needed that.  I'm not trying to post any crazy theories about transmission or the HIV monster chasing me ... trust me.  Also, I'm not disregarding the advice here. I've had some risks (a few others months back as well), and I need to get tested - bottom line.  As for the mental wreck thing ... yep, I'm already there.  I know you're right about doing something constructive ... time is going by, and I'm acting as if life can't be live until I get through this.  And yet, I need to live right now ... I know that, I truly do.  Think I'll go walk AND harrass a few cats ... :)

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #27 on: October 21, 2006, 05:44:04 PM »
I know I can't begin a new thread, so I'll just hope I get a few responses from this one.  As I've stated above, my last exposure was at the very beginning of August - being VERY briefly penetrated (receptive anal - unprotected) by a transexual.  A few things through me into major panic mode: 1) this was a FIRST for me - so although extremely brief (1-2 seconds?), it was, nonetheless, a "first" for me,a nd the possibility of precum was frightening, to say the least.  2)the symptoms which followed; which are still happening. Constant mouth sores, swollen/painful nodes, white spots on my throat, sweating at night, bumps on the scalp, fatigue, mental fog, depression, etc.  What I failed to mention before was that I did have some other episodes of unprotected sex.  Most of them with women, but a few instances of briefly inserting myself into transexuals (a few seconds, followed by washing and using a condom).  For a few years (until three and a half months ago), I was addicted to pain killers; which in turn, assisted in my "throwing caution to the wind" and indulging in my sex addiction. Anyway, here's where I am:

I've been in therapy - and my counselor thinks that these symptoms are pyschosomatic as they have been in past scares. I saw an HIV Specialist a week back who heard my whole story and examined me, and believes the same as my therapist - that this is in my head. However, I have been afraid to test as of yet. It's coming on the 3 month mark soon, and I still don't feel grounded enough to test. I doubt I'd ever be "grounded" enough to hear a "positive" result; and yet, I feel the need to explore what the hell is going on with me - why I beat myself up, why I continue the behaviors, etc.  In the past, I've received negative results and gradually gone back to acting out on my sexual compulsions.  I don't want that to happen again.

I know this isn't a place to ask for psychological advice; and I know I'm not going to get much sympathy from the experts by being scared to test. However, if there are any people out there who are in my situation - who have had risks - and are scared to test, feel free to PM me, and perhaps we can exchange emails, and offer each other support - I know I could use it.  Again, I completely understand the "symptoms mean nothing and just go test" advice ... but it would be nice to connect with others and hopefully put that advice into practice.

Offline pleasewakemeup

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #28 on: October 26, 2006, 04:49:23 AM »
J-Friend ; 

STOP!  STOP worrying or obsessing about SYMPTOMS. You are hurting yourself. Just re-read my post re: symptoms. Believe me. SYMPTOMS don't mean a THING about your HIV status. Stop, give yourself a break, be nice to yourself. Don't punish yourself. BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE TO. You dont deserve this torture.

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #29 on: October 26, 2006, 09:16:36 AM »
Thanks, Please ... I appreciate the feedback.   Trust me, I'm going to therapy regularly, and I'm even considering medication for OCD.  However, it's SO damn hard to stop the obsessing when I'm (for example) taking a shower and my groin nodes are hurting, or I turn my head and my neck nodes (which are swollen) hurt, or feel odd. Or, awakening in the middle of the night (as I have - I swear to you - for the last EIGHT weeks, every night) sweating. Or, when I'm going about my day at work and my mouth is burning - and I have white spots on my cheeks, more oral sores, etc. 

Anyway, I know those are just details ... and I'm aware enough to realize that they probably seem like the details of an obsessive/ranting, HIV-feared man (which, they are in a sense). However, here's the rub:  These damn things are happening to me - they are NOT in my head. I guess when I add these to my exposures ... well, it just seems to point to HIV. 

And yet, I'm working my ass off to dig out of this mental hole before I test. In a sense, it's been an opportunity to do this work in therapy. Either way, I appreciate your words ... and if you're comfortable emailing/chatting further about this (in a healthy fashion), I'd be grateful. If not, I still thank you for you words in that post - they were powerful!

j

Offline pleasewakemeup

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #30 on: October 26, 2006, 12:06:41 PM »

Yes these things ARE happening to you. But they are not happening because of your HIV status. They are happening because you are worried, anxiuos, stressed and depressed (and obsessed) to such an extent that you are managing to lower your immune system, you are managing to ruin your sleep patterns, you are managing to increas your adrenaline, cortisol, levels and decreasing your seratonin etc. and your body is reacting to it.

MIND and BODY are SO CONNECTED YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

Just to give you something relevant but also very irrelevant at the same time so that you do some web surfing and distract yourself... and believe me when I say your MIND has SO MUCH POWER OVER YOUR BODY...

Do you know what Pseudocyesis means ?

Pseudocyesis also known as false pregnancy, can cause many of the signs and symptoms associated with pregnancy, and can resemble the condition in every way except for fetal presence.

 Psychodynamic theories attribute the false pregnancy to emotional conflict. It is thought that an intense desire to become pregnant, or an intense fear of becoming pregnant, can create internal conflicts and changes in the endocrine system, which may explain some of the symptoms of pseudocyesis. Another theory concerns wish-fulfillment. It holds that if a women desires pregnancy badly enough she may interpret minor changes in her body as signs of pregnancy.


IF ONE WANTS SO MUCH AND MAKES HERSELF TRULY BELIEVE THAT SHE IS PREGNANT, SHE WILL HAVE EVERY SINGLE SIGN AND SYMPTOM OF PREGNANCY... Will she have a baby ? NO! You have all the symptoms .. does that mean you have HIV ?

Now check out this link :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_pregnancy

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #31 on: October 26, 2006, 10:44:55 PM »
Please - I just want to thank you again for your words.  The wisdom/advice I've received here has been top-notch, indeed, but your words have continued to hit home with me.  I can clearly tell that you've been exactly where I am; it's quite refreshing to feel your empathy.  Please know that your words are NOT keeping me stuck or adding fuel to any OCD - they are quite the opposite.  At the end of the day, I know I have to test ... bottom line. However, I also know that I need to find some ground to stand on first.  Thanks for providing the understanding to assist me in finding that ground - I truly mean it.

j

Offline j_friend

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Re: Disgusted with myself ... AGAIN!
« Reply #32 on: November 12, 2006, 02:31:22 PM »
Hello folks - it's me again.  It's now getting to be test-time, and although I've put it off for weeks, it's now over 14 weeks since my last exposure. Needless to say, my results will be reliable.  Unfortunately, I'm still experiencing symptoms - painful and swollen nodes (even in the back of my neck by my hairline), a mouth FULL of sores and white spots on my inner cheeks, and a tongue which is so damn white I was scraping off "gunk" this morning.  My depression is at an all-time low today, as I feel convinced that I have HIV.  I read this forum every single day, and yet I don't post that often, for I know my words have a typical "WW" feel to them. I also know that being scared shitless to test isn't met with much empathy here, and I understand why.  I have tried counseling, etc. ... all in hopes that with an honest look into myself these symptoms would dissipate; however, they're still here.  My dilemma is quite simple:  how can I go back to teach a day (or a few days) after finding out I'm positive?  Advice I receive from everyone - therapist, friends, doctors, etc. is all the same: just get tested. However, I guess I feel I've been so scared of HIV, that I'm not sure how I could mentally handle finding out I have it.  Anyway, I'm not sure why, but I needed to vent to on here today.  Again, I know testing will happen relatively soon, and I know I'll be posting my results in one forum or another.  I'm sure my complete fear of HIV may come off as offensive to those who are living with this disease; and for that, I apologize.  I just feel like the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" who really did get it this time around.

Offline j_friend

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Performing oral 3 hours after cleaning ....
« Reply #33 on: February 22, 2008, 09:28:09 AM »
Iíll refrain from any needless babble and simply describe what happened:  On Jan. 3rd (7 weeks ago), I got a routine cleaning at my dentist.  Naturally, the hygienist goes in their and scrapes the gums, etc.  Thereís obviously a lot of bleeding at the time.  Anyway, my teeth were healthy, she did a nice brush and floss afterwards (I take pretty good care of my mouth anyway). About three hours after that, I met a man on the Ďnet, went to his place, and practiced in mutual unprotected oral - I've always considered that safe (without ejaculation) and didn't think much of it at the time.  Iím very aware of ANY cum (this person didn't cum) and only performed shortly on this person - Iím not sure if there was precum, but Iím assuming there was.  Anyway, thatís it.  I thought it wasnít too bright of an idea, but again, this person didnít cum, so I let the episode ďgoĒ.  Unfortunately, this week I came down with the flu - it hit me pretty hard two days ago (had to take off work).  Now, Iím worried that - even though I waited around 3 hours after the cleaning - that some infected precum could have got into my gums, and well ... you know the rest.  I donít want to bore anyone with symptoms, but like I said, I got the flu ... and now Iím concerned.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: jkinatl2 ... please read
« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2008, 09:57:57 AM »
First of all, I've merged your latest thread with your previous ones. Please keep all of your comments in this same thread.

You ought to have learned enough from the previous exchanges to know that your latest concern doesn't have any serious basis in HIV science. Although there have been a very few cases which were attributed to giving oral, they have not held up under scientific scrutiny. Longterm studies of sero-discordant couples, both gay and straight, who practiced safer sex for intercourse and mutual unprotected oral resulted in ot a single negative partner becoming infected.

I don't see any need for testing in relation to this latest incident you are reporting. Your saliva has inhibitory elements which are an effective barrier to transmission, even bearing in mind that you'd had some dental cleaning done a few hours earlier. I'd say you are worrying needlessly. There is absolutely nothing about symptoms you are mentioning which are in any way HIV specific, but then neither the presence nor the absence of symptoms is ever the way to know about HIV. When there has been a real risk, and I don't consider this incident to be a such one, getting tested at 13 weeks is the only way to know your status reliably.

This is not an HIV situation. Period. 
Andy Velez

 


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