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Author Topic: Well I'm at a down point  (Read 2811 times)

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Offline CHUCK610

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Well I'm at a down point
« on: October 07, 2009, 10:56:32 PM »

I don't know what happened I was doing so much better getting back in my regular routine and then all of a sudden I am so depressed and all I am doing is sleeping. I feel so alone again, I have been thinking bad thoughts again. I don't want to be this way but I can't seem to get myself out of it.

Has anyone else goin down again. Help please
Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,876
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2009, 11:10:00 PM »
Hi Chuck, I'm sorry to hear this.  Why don't you go over out loud what the bad thoughts are so we can discuss them.  Generally when we cause ourselves anxiety it's based on irrational thinking, worries that do not in reality exist, or are greatly exaggerated.  Once you talk them out it will hopefully help steer you away from doing this.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline ByTheBay

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2009, 01:27:55 AM »
Hi Chuck,
Sorry to hear you are down.  On the bright side, from the numbers you have posted, it looks like your meds are working, which is great for you.  In terms of the emotional side, which can be much harder, all I can offer is that you are not alone -- even if it feels that way right now.  Life (with or without HIV) has up and down moments.  I hope that at least knowing you are not alone in feeling this way in some way is a comfort and an up period for you should be coming soon.  Hang in there!
3/12/2009 Tested Negative
5/22/2009 Tested Negative
9/17/2009 Tested Positive
9/25/2009 CD4 53  (10%) VL 57,305
9/28/2009 CD4 62  (7% )  VL: 57,305
10/3/2009 Started Truvada/Norvir/Prezista/ Septra/Bactrim and Rifabutin
11/02/2009  CD4  67 (15%) VL: 626
12/21/2009  CD4  56 (10%) VL: Undetectable
03/22/2010  CD4  46 (10%)  VL: Undetectable
06/23/2010 CD4 61 (13%) VL: Undetectable

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,699
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2009, 01:35:41 AM »


  Chuck, I feel your pain from your post.  Like BytheBay said life is full of ups and downs.  Compound this with HIV and those downs can seem to take one lower than ever.  I like the suggestion Miss P gave you, discuss some of your thoughts here and perhaps someone can give you some insight or advice on how to deal with this.

 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Dale Parker

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2009, 12:02:11 PM »

Hey Chuck: Sounds like a bad case of SCD (Seasonal Change Disorder). Everyone has it at the moment. The thought of summer leaving and fall coming puts everyone in a blue funk.
It's Thanksgiving this weekend.  Make a list of all that you have to be thankfull for.
Do something nice for yourself today. Even if it's taking a nice warm bubble bath. Then go out a eat  pumpkin pie with whipped cream. That always makes me feel better.

Cheers
Dale
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2009, 08:58:09 PM »
Hey, Chuck.... even those of us who've been part of the club for a long time get down about it.  We all have ways to lift ourselves up.    Maybe if you talk to someone.  Or, if you feel comfortable, post your thoughts here. 

I'll bet there's something you love to do.   Or someone who loves you.   Or some place you like to be.  Try doing one of those things.  And, if those don't feel right, maybe try something you've always wanted to do.   (I went bungee jumping two months after I tested poz).   

The world isn't coming to an end.  But, it sure feels like it.  We've all been there.    I can't speak for anyone else here, but in the loneliness of the world and all the things I feel are dark and sad... I know that if I can help someone, somewhere feel a bit less lonely, less scared, in some small way by posting here, if just to offer words of support.  It's times like these that I hope you realize that there are people who care.  You are not alone.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline CHUCK610

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2009, 09:29:41 PM »
Thank you all for your encouraging words

It's hard to really explain why I am down, maybe it is SCD as Dale suggests. With the cold weather coming, I won't be able to ride so now I have to find something to do for the winter months when I can't ride. I went out this weekend and purchased a fish tank, something I have always wanted, I know it sounds minor. But, I having fund setting it up and getting it ready for the fish. Though the happiness is short lived. I just can't seem to get out of this funk I am in, been putting on a happy face with everyone. But inside I feel very alone and overwhelmed. I have switched my meds to lunch time instead at dinner time hoping that would help some. Been thinking alot about just ending it, I have been crying alot again. I don't feel like leaving the house it takes every bit of energy to go to work and get through the day. I still haven't been able to find anyone in the area who is hiv poz in my area that I can get together with and talk and just to be friends. I can't drink anymore it makes my liver enzymes go crazy on top of the meds. Been getting hight alot, just trying to cope.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I just don't feel like me and I am having a hard time getting back to it.
Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline Dale Parker

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2009, 11:18:03 PM »
Hey Chuck: What kind of fish are you thinking of buying? I've always wanted to have a fish tank. I'd love to have either a salt water one or one that has sting rays in it. Every once in a while I go to the Big Al's fish store in my area. They have a huge display salt water tank that has everything from eels to sharks in it.  It's like 30 feet in diameter and 12 feet high. I watch those fish for hours.
  It sounds like you really need to talk to someone. Go to the "All ABOUTHIV" section on here. Then go to the section "FINDING SUPPORT", it's in the middle row in the far right hand side column. You can search between 10 and 100 miles from your zip code. If you cant find one there that's close to you there is another link I found http://www.thebody.com/index/hotlines/other.html
This is a USA wide listing of STD clinics in the USA. Call one of them in your area and they should be able to find you someone to talk to.
Take care and lots of big hugs;
Dale   
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD

Offline macaque3

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2009, 12:38:19 AM »
Hey Chuck
I'm sorry to hear about the blues you're having. You have been VERY  helpful to me, as i hope you know. I was in a bad time about a month ago. Still not feeling great, but i took heart at your writing about riding, was inspired to sing and play the piano again. even though i was just in the hospital, i feel some level of hope I think this was in part telling some ppl close to me about this (sisters). Somehow saying it out loud to someone has this effect. it could be a therapist or a friend whom you haven't seen in a long time. I hope you'll find someone close to you to talk to. Being able to cry it out sometimes helps--you and I talked about that and i'm tearing up with thanks right now to you! you have been a tremendous support to me, and i'm confident you will be again. i'm glad you're asking ppl here for advice... many have been around the block. You certainly could contact the county mental health services who usually should respond to an urgent problem. Believe me, you ARE worth the investment. These days sound very difficult, it's useless to deny that, but we know this is temporary, nothing lasts forever. I love the idea of the fish. I know my cat depending on me is sometimes the one bright spot in my day. What have you named the fish and what kind are they?
You can PM or write me here and i look forward to hearing from you my friend!
Hugs and love to you,
Larry

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2009, 07:41:12 PM »
Chuck, I don't know where you live.  But, riding my bike in winter is something I do sometimes here in Michigan.  If not, like tonight, I went for an hr and a half hike out in the woods nearby.  I watched it rain on the fall foliage and enjoyed the solitude.  I hate the diminishing of the day.  But, I try to embrace the change and find beautiful things nonetheless.   Walking, biking, snowshoeing in winter.  It's all stuff I do, especially when I'm down. 

I'm glad you bought the fish tank.  It's not a stupid or small thing.  Not at all.    I recently bought a telephoto lens because of something I love.  I bought it for me, to make me happy, to enable me to do something I love and to fight the never ending bouts of depression I feel.    You have to find things like the fish tank.  If you dont' feel like riding in the winter, find something else to do outside.  It's worth it.  Simple things matter.

Best regards,
Scott
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2009, 04:59:13 PM »
Hello Chuck, i understand so well your pain, iīve been diagnosed one month before you.

After almost one year, i have up and downs,  everyday my mind reminds me of what i have, there are days when i feel so damn lonely, i feel that im the most unlucky guy in the planet, i feel so dirty and then i cry a lot. So i think its normal what you are feeling, and i bet we both are going to get better, we will be happy somehow, and we will find someone who cares for us, and yes, we will live for many years.

Its great having a fish tank at home, specially if its planted, it will entretain you a lot
« Last Edit: October 16, 2009, 05:11:50 PM by lusopt »
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline Sebastian1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: Well I'm at a down point
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2009, 05:54:44 PM »
Chuck,
I hope you are feeling on top of everything again soon.  As humans we are allowed to feel down at times, it is normal and heathy, otherwise we would never know what being happy feels like.  Remember there are people that care about you--people you have never met, never talked to, and probably never will--but the world does have caring people whose hearts go out to those that are feeling down.
I come to this site for support, understanding and to find some insight into people and how they deal with what they are going through, sometimes I find that, other times I have found almost the opposite.  I myself am not HIV Positive, but my boyfriend is and so much of the time, it feels as though I am too because I can feel what he is feeling, rather it be happiness, sadness, worry, being scared, or love.  I have a chronic illness, have had it for 28 years, and there are times it gets the better of me, teenage years where the hardest.  I know everyone is differant, every disease, diagonsis and every challenge we all face, are differant for each one of us, but remember we have today--make the best of it, we never know when our tomorrow will be taken from us. 

 


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