Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
August 01, 2014, 10:31:32 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 632716
  • Total Topics: 47928
  • Online Today: 288
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 3
Guests: 191
Total: 194

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: New BF is POS  (Read 5912 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
New BF is POS
« on: October 07, 2009, 08:00:42 PM »
Hi everyone,

After searching ALL OVER the Net I finaly stumbled across this forum a little while ago & just in the 30 minutes I've been waiting for my account to be "approved" I feel like I've already learned a few things.  Anyway...

I just started dating a wonderful guy about 2 months ago.  I'm 37 & he's 24.  He's pos & I'm neg.  He never even had to tell me about his status (even though he did when we first met), I just knew of him through various shared friends & he's very open about it to just about anyone.  The point is, I knew about his status and it never "bothered" or concerned me in the least.  I knew he was a great guy (& lord knows those are hard to find) and I wanted to get to know him better.  We hit it right off and even though he still has his own place, he's basically moved in since he really only goes home now to check the mail and pick up more clothes.

He was diagnosed about a week before his 21st birthday and here he is at 24 and his numbers aren't great.  I can't remember the specifics off the top of my head, but his CD4 is around 280 or so and his viral load is pretty high.  His doctor just put him on Atripla and he'll start that shortly.

From the beginning he's told me he doesn't have much (or, any) of a sex drive...& that's been ok with me.  He's also mentioned that he's worried about passing it on to me.  I've always told him that if/when he's ready we'll use protection & everything will be fine.  We've fooled around a few times (just oral), but nothing major.  This is ok with me.  Maybe because I care so much for him I don't really "need" that right now.  I'm much more worried about him & him taking care of himself so he can get his numbers up & to start feeling better.  I want him to start feeling better so we'll be together for a long time...the other stuff can wait.

The problem I'm having is that he just is NOT even affectionate in the bedroom.  He basically pecks me on the  cheek or lips & rolls over.  I'm a very (verrrry) affectionate person and while I can go without sex, I just CAN'T go without affection & a little intimacy.  I know he loves me, he tells me every day and all of his friends tell me how much he loves me and he's never been so attached to someone before.  Even my friends (who are extra protective & suspicious of everyone) tells me that when we're out together they can just "tell" he loves me by the way he acts & treats me.

So, here's my question & I'm sorry of this is the wrong place or if I'm too long winded...

Could the HIV or at least the emotional issues that go along with it be making him unable to "connect" with me?  I'm wondering if maybe there's some "guilt" or worrying on his end that's making it hard for him to open up to me.  I ask him about it and he just keeps telling me it's taking time for him to open up in that way.  I know he's had some bad relationships in the past, some family issues, & now this.  It's a LOT for someone so young to have to deal with.  I guess I just need some advice or reassurance on how I can let him know I'm here for him.  I honestly think it's the HIV & some irrational fear of passing it on that's causing this. 

Sorry of this is too long.  I'm just so crazy in love with him and I'd do anything in the world for him.  I just don't know how to let him know that I'm gonna be here for him no matter what.  I tell him, but it doesn't seem to be working.

Any idea at all??

J.
- Joey

Offline confidentIwillbeOK

  • Member
  • Posts: 131
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2009, 10:27:36 PM »
Perhaps the infection is draining him physically and mentally.  If his VL is very high it really could be affecting him.  As my doctor told me today "your immune system is battling this every second of every day.  NOT every day or every hour but EVERY second".  Perhaps he will feel much better on meds. 

He also just may not be a very affectionate person and that is something you should talk to him about.....it might have nothing to do with HIV or his fear of infecting you.  Like you I am very affectionate and not having a BF into making out, cuddling, etc.. would be tough.  Seems like you have already discussed this with him and because of the stuff he has had to deal with maybe he is indeed reluctant to open up emotionally.  Maybe over a little more time he will see that you are in it for the long haul and he will start to change.

I guess my only suggestion is to keep on talking and providing him love and support. 

Good luck...hopefully it works out because it sounds like you found someone you really like.

Steve

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2009, 02:31:04 PM »
Thanks Steve.  I'm hoping it's like you said & more along the lines of him just being affected by his counts & that when he gets on his meds things will turn around.  We talked last night & he did admit that he's been very tired lately (which I knew he had been napping alot lately but I never really considered that's what could be causing it).  His meds are in the mail & should be here by tomorrow or early next week.  Since he's a waiter he has no health insurance & he's getting them through a state program so we've been waiting a few weeks for his first prescription to arrive.  Nothing in state government is fast.  Sigh.

Like I said, we talked last night & he's gonna try a little harder to open up and I'm gonna try my best not to be so damn needy.   ::) 

Thanks again!
- Joey

Online Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,511
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2009, 09:36:20 PM »
Hey Joey,

Before you get too tangled in what is happening, you need to slow down and give him some time to adjust.  When someone tests poz, it is not unusual for them to feel like "damaged goods" and this is how your bf sounds to me.  While he may believe that he is worthy of love, there is another part of him that wonders why anyone would want him, because he is poz.  You say that he has a history of difficult issues and maybe what he really needs is someone to talk to, except you.  I say this, because adjusting to being poz can be a very difficult journey.  You are obviously a very caring man, but right now, this is not really about you, but him.  I suggest you help him find a support group or a therapist that could help him to address his most pressing issues.

The fact that he is starting meds is a BIG deal for anyone and I imagine the stress he feels right now, is approaching overwhelming.  So what can you do?  Exactly what you are doing.  Let him know how much he means to you and that you are there for him and then give him some space to unwind.  Being negative, you cannot understand the mindset of someone who is poz and many issues can be really disconcerting to people, especially someone as young as he is.  My guess is he want to be closer physically, but for whatever reasons, he is just too afraid to open up and the reason doesn't really matter, it's the fact that he is most probably overwhelmed.

One way you might increase the physical intimacy is to just cuddle before you go to bed and let him take the lead.  I also urge you to resist demeaning your own needs, by referring to yourself as needy.  The desire for intimacy is universal and I don't hear needy in your words, I hear concern.  Give both of you some time to adjust to all that is happening and let him know that you are there for him, in whatever capacity he may need.  However, also encourage him to seek out other pozzies, because there are some issues that you will never understand, because you are not poz.

I think, that given some more time, you will find he will become more comfortable with his status and as he does, his physical needs should return.  I wish I could tell you it will be a short wait or easy, but I think you know the reality of your relationship with him.  What I can tell you, is that with enough of your love and support, your guy can and will adjust to his status.  Just be prepared if the journey takes a little longer than you may like, then again, anything truly worth having, is always worth the wait.

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2009, 09:54:11 PM »
Hi Joe,

Thanks for the thoughtful response...I appreciate it, I really do. 

I'm not so sure though if it's a question of adjusting to his poz status as it is maybe adjusting with his health starting to turn & about to start the meds.  He was diagnosed just before his 21st birthday & he turned 24 in June, so he's known a little more than 3 years.  He's actually pretty well adjusted to that idea, but I think with him not feeling great the past few months & now his doctor's decision to start him on meds he has alot on his mind.  I know that & I'm trying my best to be as supportive as I can about this.

Honestly, sex isn't what I really want (eventually, yes...but I can wait on that).  I could cuddle ALL night with him but he's just not like that.  He's trying, but he's just so independent I don't think it's that big a deal to him as it is to me.  With him I think just someone "being" there for him is enough. It's like he needs the company & someone around, but not the actual physical contact that often.  I need both...& lots of each.  I'm trying to see things on his terms & not be quite so demanding.  I know in my heart he cares & he wants to be with me...but it's pretty damn difficult to just be "patient" & wait.  All I want is to just be here for him in all ways...but it just seems like we're not "that" close intimately, & it hurts sometimes...alot.

He's registered on here & also on the personals side to look for some other poz friends.  I'm also going to encourage him to join one of the support groups in the area.  I've started thinking about volunteering at the local AIDS/HIV organization as well.  Maybe being around other poz people and talking to them I'll continue to learn more & have a little bit better insight into what he's going through.

Thanks again for the advice. 
- Joey

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,263
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2009, 10:02:23 PM »
Keep open communication with him. He's got to accept your desire for more intimacy and you've got to accept his aversion.  Things eventually will have to work into a compromise or something is wrong in the relationship.

That said, its encouraging he's going on HAART. When he is undetectable, his sex drive might might flourish again.  Its physical and emotional weight that will be removed. Things should spring to life when he doesn't feel like a biohazard.

However, if he has NEVER had much of a sex drive, this all doesn't have much to do with HIV and you've got to find a way to compromise.

My suspicious mind wonders why he is on Poz personals....  God forbid, but I hope you are not being played. He's young enough to do that without even knowing it, by the way.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2009, 10:39:02 PM »
Hi Mecch,

From what I know about him, he had a very active sex drive at one time...just lost it in the past year or so.  His profile on the personals site says pretty clearly that he's in a relationship & looking for friends only.  I'll keep my fingers crossed on that.   ::)

Thanks again!
- Joey

Offline confidentIwillbeOK

  • Member
  • Posts: 131
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2009, 10:47:49 PM »
for what it's worth...I added an account on poz personals with the headline "just looking for friends".  Thought it would be a good way to find some friends in the area to talk to.  Don't think there is anything "suspicious" about AD's boyfriend having an account.  I just don't have many positive friends or acquaintances and setting up a poz personal account helps me find local people. Out of all the people I have "met" on here I don't think any have been from my city....

AD...you sound like a great boyfriend and very caring person.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,263
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2009, 10:54:15 PM »
Just a vibe, if a young guy starts a relationship with an older guy, moves in, but doesnt want sex, but is also on a personals site.

I don't know either these two individual men, and I wish the couple well.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2009, 11:00:14 PM »
Thanks confident.  I'm pretty sure that's all it is.  He has lots of friends, but not very many at all (esp. his age) that are poz.  If talking to some other folks on here or in a support group setting is of some help, I'm all for it.

I have to say though that I'm surprised at how "catty" people around his age can be about this though.  I suppose it's the same with any age bracket, but I'm pretty shocked at how insensitive people his age can be.  When we first started seeing each other you wouldn't believe the number of people who came up to me & said something to the effect of "you better watch out for that one, he's got AIDS".  My usual response was something  like "he doesn't have AIDS, he's HIV positive & doing fine, now go f*** off".  >:(
- Joey

Online Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,511
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2009, 12:14:45 PM »
Given your response I would suggest that you see a counselor who could help you sort out the issues.  I can understand the independent side of him, yet at some point, he will need to address the concerns that you mention, or your relationship will be doomed.  If you are his first "real" relationship, he may be confused on both of your roles, as he may never have had an equal partner in a relationship before.  What puzzles me, is how he seems to be insensitive to some of your needs and personally, I would find that very disconcerting and that is why I suggest counseling.

Often a therapist can help to conceptualize the components of a relationship and help each partner to understand their role in that relationship.  By having a third party, you have someone to help guide you both on achieving what you desire.  I tend to favor therapy, for situations like these, so you do not become the one who seems to always be demanding or needy.  He may also be too immature to fully understand what being a couple entails, including the idea of compromising to help meet the needs of your partner.  The idea that each person brings certain things to a relationship and needs certain things from the relationship to be happy.

I suggest that you find a non-threatening way to help him understand your needs and so he can truly understand the idea of give and take between two people.  Our age brings experience regarding affairs of the heart and anyone who has a successful relationship truly understands that there is no "me" in "us".  I think your guy needs some help navigating interpersonal issues, so that when you mention a concern of yours, he understands that he needs to be part of the solution.

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2009, 02:20:16 PM »
Thanks again Joe.  I have to say that going to counseling 2 months into a relationship isn't something I'm thrilled about.   :-[  6 months-year, maybe...but 2 months?  We're in therapy before we even get started!  I'm seriously hoping (& praying) that getting on his meds & just being patient with him & giving him a little more time is the answer.  We're SO good the rest of the time & that's why this is so frustrating. Maybe after he's started his meds & it's been a little while longer we can consider that if there's not been any improvement.  He's been in several short relationships, but his longest one before me (about a year & a half) was with someone younger than him...& they had the same problem.  Ughhh.

Thanks again.   ;)
- Joey

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,263
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2009, 04:59:53 PM »
He may also be too immature to fully understand what being a couple entails, including the idea of compromising to help meet the needs of your partner.  The idea that each person brings certain things to a relationship and needs certain things from the relationship to be happy.

Killfoile is iterating a variant of the vibe I am getting.  There is a power struggle going on.

So you might be right that therapy so soon would be a really buzz killer and bad omen.  OK.

But please be aware of the possibilities - even if you must keep them to yourself. 

Since, as you say, its the beginning of a relationship - if therapy is a bummer, so would a year disfunctional sex and intimacy.  Now thats a real buzz killer!

Even sick people can cuddle. Even anxious people can draw a loved one close and say, I'm afraid, and your love and support is important.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2009, 10:43:12 PM »
Thanks mecch.  I understand where you're coming from, totally. 

His best friend came over last night for dinner & after dinner she & I went outside to talk for a while.  She basically just told me to be patient & that he's never been like he is with me with her since she's known him. What I mean is the guys he's dated before he never really brought them around that much, but the three of us get together pretty often...& we do with his other friends too.  She says he loves me & cares for me alot, but he just wants to take it slow and I just need to calm down & back off some or I'm going to chase him away.  Taking it slow in the "traditional sense" I TOTALLY get.  Going on dates & dinner & kissing goodnight & taking him home and getting to know each other until the time is right is one thing.  Being around each other almost 24/7 & having this cute guy (that I'm bananas about) crawl into bed with me practically naked (sometimes totally) each night & sleep next  me with not much more than a goodnight kiss is about to drive me freaking crazy, seriously.

So, for now I'll take her advice & see where things go.  I'm either gonna go crazy or start sleeping on the couch pretty soon though.   :-[
- Joey

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2009, 11:34:36 PM »
have fun going crazy, lol. and be sure to enjoy the "taking it slow" period.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #15 on: October 19, 2009, 09:15:20 PM »
maybe you should get him to sign up here?

Offline andysdaddy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2009, 01:29:14 PM »
He's on here sharkdiver. He signed up right after I did.  He hasn't posted anything on the forum yet, but he's been reading alot.
- Joey

Offline dragonrainsd

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: New BF is POS
« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2010, 04:09:37 AM »
granted that things are a bit different between my partner and myself i can see what ya'll are saying. My two cents are simply this. Having friends that are Poz will help and both of you having your differing lives will too. Right now i am sure he is feeling like 'damaged goods' i am not sure about his personality but if it is anything like mine then i would probably be the same way. The meds are going to possible make him crazy (please note that i use the term lightly). Not only does he have his status as a Poz person to worry about but the question of "What in god's name are the meds going to do to me?" is probably a major thing going through his head. I am younger and very optimistic so i still take things for granted at times, keep showing your support gently and realize he isn't going to feel all that great for a while not just physically but mentally as well. Some people are more equip to deal with 'crisis' of any nature, then there are the exceptions to every 'rule'. I wish you both the best of luck.

Dragonrainsd

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.