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Author Topic: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???  (Read 14937 times)

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Offline Ann

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #50 on: October 15, 2009, 04:03:33 PM »
Doesn't always work with homos I'm afraid.  If they're clingy types it can even backfire.  They think it makes you more desperate, in need of "mothering" and thus an even easier catch.  Then you have to try three times as hard to shake the toilet paper off of your shoe.

Oh dear, I can just imagine it! :-\  It backfired on me once, I have to admit. I think it made me seem even more of a challenge and a chance to hone his PC credentials. You know, so he could say something along the lines of "I've got no problem with pozzies, I even shagged one once!"

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline pos2007

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #51 on: October 15, 2009, 09:36:12 PM »
 i  want  to  clarify,  if  you  go  back  and read  the posts,  you  will see  that  ruralguy has  stated  several  times  he  uses  protection and  recommends  protection.  The  point  I  was  trying to  make is  that undectable  does  not  mean  you are unable to  transmit  virus.   Virus  transmission  is  possible  ,  even  below   quantifiable  detection  numbers. If  the  chance  were  nil  at  undetectable,  then  we  could   could quit taking our  meds at  that  point  w/o   having  viral  rebound  and  declare  ourselves  cured;   but  that  is  just  not  the  way  it  works.   I  also  want  to  tell him  that  no  offense  is  taken by those  of  us  that were infected by   blood transfusions and I appreciate your saying  what  you  said.  I  am just  trying  to  debate  the  subject  based  on  the  laws  and  facts and  in  no  way  want  to  judge  or  accuse  anyone.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2009, 09:38:36 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline mecch

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #52 on: October 16, 2009, 12:20:01 PM »
i  want  to  clarify,  if  you  go  back  and read  the posts,  you  will see  that  ruralguy has  stated  several  times  he  uses  protection and  recommends  protection.  The  point  I  was  trying to  make is  that undectable  does  not  mean  you are unable to  transmit  virus.   Virus  transmission  is  possible  ,  even  below   quantifiable  detection  numbers. If  the  chance  were  nil  at  undetectable,  then  we  could   could quit taking our  meds at  that  point  w/o   having  viral  rebound  and  declare  ourselves  cured;   but  that  is  just  not  the  way  it  works.   I  also  want  to  tell him  that  no  offense  is  taken by those  of  us  that were infected by   blood transfusions and I appreciate your saying  what  you  said.  I  am just  trying  to  debate  the  subject  based  on  the  laws  and  facts and  in  no  way  want  to  judge  or  accuse  anyone.

This is gobblygook.  Undectable is considered non-transmissable by increasing numbers of scientists. Its controversial and hasn't impacted safe sex guidelines NOR criminal transmission and criminal non disclosure laws. 

And yes, you gotta KEEP taking your HAART to stay there. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #53 on: October 16, 2009, 12:27:34 PM »
This is a global forum. There are nations in the world where non disclosure is not a crime.
There are states in the US where you are not obliged to disclose HIV status.

This thread is filled with sloppy confusion of criminal transmission and criminal non disclosure.

There are many good reasons to disclose to any partner.  If you aren't willing to check the laws in your locale, then avoiding a crime may not be one of the reasons to disclose, if there is no law requiring you to do so.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #54 on: October 16, 2009, 12:43:42 PM »
This is a global forum. There are nations in the world where non disclosure is not a crime.
There are states in the US where you are not obliged to disclose HIV status.


The golden rule is pretty universal though.


Rephrased in this context:  Would you have rather been told by someone who knew they were Poz about their status before you were sexually active with them? 

Implementing is a bitch though.  What is "sexually active"?  Do you have to read the mind of the other person for a definition?  That's at the core of your question, and there's no easy answer except about who you are and who you aspire to be.
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #55 on: October 16, 2009, 01:17:39 PM »
The golden rule is pretty universal though.


Rephrased in this context:  Would you have rather been told by someone who knew they were Poz about their status before you were sexually active with them?

If I'd used a condom this question would have been rendered irrelevant, so I don't really understand this line of reasoning.  It's also amplified as irrelevant by the large multitudes that are infected by have never tested, which means you never actually have knowledge about what a partner has or doesn't have.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #56 on: October 16, 2009, 01:20:00 PM »

This thread is filled with sloppy confusion of criminal transmission and criminal non disclosure.


Mix that with self-anointed moralism and some psychological projection about their barebacking years of yore and you get a very nasty stew.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline mecch

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #57 on: October 16, 2009, 01:30:39 PM »
Merely responding to those in this thread who keep insisting you have to disclose by law.
It may not be the case.

As to "would you want the person to disclose to you?"
wake up man, smell the reality -- the answer of this old pro is that for more than two decades I followed safe sex rules with strangers and there were many many times it never mattered to me enough to ask and I probably neither wanted to or needed to know. It was assumed a percentage were positive. Period.

But, I'll give you this - when ASKED, there is no defense for lying then screwing.  I have been lied to and bitterly resented those people for the lie.  Including long-term partners.  Especially those.  And despite it being safe sex.

If you are positive, and someone asked you if you are positive, and you don't want to answer, then you can lie, but then you can't screw. You have to walk away.  Have to make up a excuse, like Marsha Brady, "something suddenly came up", and not screw.   Or you tell the truth and the potential partner gets to decide.  

If you are in the middle of the act, and some silly stranger asks if you are positive, well, if you are having safe sex, why not just say yeah brother and deal with the consequences.  Even then, if you feel like you might be in danger, I guess you can say "wow, you know how to spoil a hot moment" and zip up and leave without confirming or denying.

I've never been in an unsafe situation where the question came up.



“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #58 on: October 16, 2009, 01:35:14 PM »
If you live in one of those states where there are laws requiring disclosure of HIV, in any sex act, then none of this chat implies.  Always disclose, and while you are at it, get it in writing that you disclosed, cause it could come down to your word against the other.... All for nuthin. I'd move. Or get a partner, stay faithful, and get it in writing.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #59 on: October 16, 2009, 03:00:18 PM »
If I'd used a condom this question would have been rendered irrelevant, so I don't really understand this line of reasoning.  It's also amplified as irrelevant by the large multitudes that are infected by have never tested, which means you never actually have knowledge about what a partner has or doesn't have.

It's only irrelevant if you define the issue solely  in terms of transmission.  The OP is clearly struggling with expectations of people he meets.  

Your suggestion is that those expectations of disclosure do not matter if there is no risk of transmission.  But if one is dealing with people's expectations you may have to go beyond "no risk of transmission" to treat them as they wish to be treated.  Course the golden rule doesn't say you have to go so far as they would expect  -- and to meet some people's expectations you would need to wear a flashing HIV+ sign in every dark bar -- but you do need to get comfortable with what you would want to know in their situation.

Perhaps, Miss P, you have decided that the only time you would want to know would be if there was no condom.  That's great, but you are not the OP.  To feel good about this Bruh is probably going to need to think through what he would have liked, when he was on the other side of the question.  

It's probably situational -- a different answer in the bar from the sex club from the restaurant. 

Frankly the sex club is one of the easiest -- sdcabincrew nailed it (in one sense or another  :) ) in this thread.  http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=10999.msg137218#msg137218




edited to finish post

« Last Edit: October 16, 2009, 03:04:15 PM by Assurbanipal »
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #60 on: October 16, 2009, 03:20:04 PM »
Uh, no dear -- in that last post of yours that I quoted you were replying to meech.  The OP hasn't ventured in his own thread now for over a week.  Perhaps I misunderstood the context of what you were saying.

By the way, I disagree with thinking sdcabincrew "nailed it".  If I'm going to bareback with a partner, and definitely as the top, I need to know if they're positive or negative.  I'm not going to see some drunk/high guy that's not thinking clearly.  If others here are comfortable doing this then, well, I'm not sure what to say.  I'm not even sure if I want to read the rest of his post there.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2009, 03:57:50 PM by Miss Philicia »
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline ruralguy

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #61 on: October 16, 2009, 03:35:38 PM »
Frankly the sex club is one of the easiest -- sdcabincrew nailed it (in one sense or another  :) ) in this thread.  http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=10999.msg137218#msg137218


Thanks for this Assurbanipal ....it is a long and interesting thread covering much of the same ground


tested positive June 19, 2009
7/3/09 vrl 9000 cd4 - 300
8/14/09 cd4 - 350, 20%
started Atripla 9/14/09
10/5/09 vrl undetectable, WOW so fast!
12/28/09 vrl undetectable, CD4 - 615  27% cholesterol down, kidney function normal
4/26/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-600, kidney and liver numbers normal
9/9/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-685
1/3/11 vrl undetectable, CD4-700
all 2011 and Jan 2012 visits vrl undetectable CD4 ranged from 715-645
5/7/2012  vrl undetectable, CD4-615, all liver, kidney, lipids, heart functions, etc normal


On Atripla:  "Your mileage may vary"

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #62 on: October 16, 2009, 06:00:12 PM »
Uh, no dear -- in that last post of yours that I quoted you were replying to meech.  The OP hasn't ventured in his own thread now for over a week.  Perhaps I misunderstood the context of what you were saying.

By the way, I disagree with thinking sdcabincrew "nailed it".  If I'm going to bareback with a partner, and definitely as the top, I need to know if they're positive or negative.  I'm not going to see some drunk/high guy that's not thinking clearly.  If others here are comfortable doing this then, well, I'm not sure what to say.  I'm not even sure if I want to read the rest of his post there.

Quoted mecch, replied to OP in context of mecch quote.  But ... whatever ... excess precision and all that .... :-*

Did I link to the wrong post in that long thread?  The point was that Sdcabincrew had found a way to disclose in a sex club setting (using language both memorable and concise).  And also I thought folks who were replying here that had not seen that thread might find it germane (and fun),
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline komnaes

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #63 on: October 17, 2009, 12:29:48 AM »
I don't see how one can interpret the OP was talking about expectations of others. He simply relayed his frustration of disclosing too readily, only to find out the person he disclosed to does not respect his privacy one bit. What does that get to do with expectation of whether potential dates and sexual partners would want to be be with one of us?
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline sensual1973

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #64 on: October 17, 2009, 02:53:48 AM »
to me this is a burden and a confusing subject.as much as i would like to tell and get it out of the way and feel that i have been honest as much as am worried that the other person will go spreading my hiv status to others who dont have the right to know.I only play safe and most of the guys i meet are for a one night stands.On the other hand,when i try to hook up with poz guys they all seem to want it unprotected :-( , i really feel isolated at times.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline Ann

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #65 on: October 17, 2009, 03:35:46 AM »
I don't see how one can interpret the OP was talking about expectations of others. He simply relayed his frustration of disclosing too readily, only to find out the person he disclosed to does not respect his privacy one bit. What does that get to do with expectation of whether potential dates and sexual partners would want to be be with one of us?

I don't think anyone was really misinterpreting the OP, it's just that any time we pozzies discuss the issue of disclosure, all this other stuff is going to come into the discussion because it's all part and parcel. It's all related. It's a huge, difficult subject.

Some here think the constant discussions on disclosure are beating a dead horse, but we're all in different places on our journey with hiv and I like to think (hope?) that the more we talk these things through, the more people are going to personally benefit and take a few more steps forward, instead of backward, on their journey. Some of us are already through the woods of disclosure, some of us are in the thick of it, and some are on the path just outside the forest and petrified of entering.

Maybe we could call it the Yellow Brick Road of Disclosure. You're going to meet a witch or two on the way, and run into some scary trees and monkeys, but you're also going to meet some good friends too. In the end, hopefully you'll get to the Emerald City and from there, home. Of which there's no place like. ;)

And just because I can, I'd like to trot out my old chestnut - "the more we hide, the more we HAVE to hide."

Just my 2p.

Ann
« Last Edit: October 17, 2009, 03:41:01 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline komnaes

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #66 on: October 17, 2009, 03:54:37 AM »
Nice pre-emptive catch Ann... hence my admiration.  :D

Shaun, who's mellow at home and listening to Pletnev playing Debussy on a Sat afternoon...
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline debsd222

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #67 on: October 17, 2009, 12:49:42 PM »
Of course you do not in all situations. Depends on several factors.

Sorry to offer the contrary opinion, or to open this to a old argument.
Please check YOUR state's laws as to disclosure of HIV status before a sex act.
Also, check YOUR state's laws about HIV transmission.

If there are no laws saying you have to disclose, then you do not have to disclose.  If you transmit, it might be a crime, sometimes if you disclose, sometimes if you dont.

Those who say you are morally obliged to disclose, based on what code of morals, please?

Its a good idea to disclose.  Maybe its your moral code, so stick to it.

The guy who spread the news was a jerk.

On the other hand, lets take a "hook up" just for sex.  Or a place where people meet for sex, not cocktails and a potential boyfriend.  Sex club. Park, etc.

In my book, if you are having safe sex in such as situation, you are not obliged to disclose. On the other hand, if a guy asks you, even in such a situation, in my book, I would disclose, since you were asked. Or, just say, "none of your business" and stop having sex with the person, or don't start.  Leaves them in doubt - and you have confirmed nothing.

Disclosing in the above sex situations seems even less "morally" obligatory if you are on HAART and undetectable.   But, this may, or may not, be LEGALLY advisable, so check it out where you live, or screw around.

Voila. can of worms.


April 08 3 month bout w/ shingles, ongoing nerve pain
Dec 08 pos  cd4 200 %8  VL 18,000
Feb 09 started sustiva, truvada -allergic to sustiva, hospital 4 days.
March 09 started truvada, reyataz and norvir
March 09  cd4 279  % 12 VL 10,000
April 09 cd4 327  %12  VL 300
Aug 09 cd4 392  %16  Vl undetectable
Dec 09 hospital pneumonia 6 days
Dec 09 cd4 462  %20  VL undetectable
Mar 10 cd4 629 27% VL undetectable
July 9, 2010 cd4 505  21% VL undetectable
Oct 2010 cd4 689  22%  VL 64
Nov 2010  cd4689  22%  VL  UD
May 2013 cd4 759. 29%. VL. UD

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #68 on: October 17, 2009, 03:11:30 PM »
I don't think anyone was really misinterpreting the OP, it's just that any time we pozzies discuss the issue of disclosure, all this other stuff is going to come into the discussion because it's all part and parcel. It's all related. It's a huge, difficult subject.

Some here think the constant discussions on disclosure are beating a dead horse, but we're all in different places on our journey with hiv and I like to think (hope?) that the more we talk these things through, the more people are going to personally benefit and take a few more steps forward, instead of backward, on their journey. Some of us are already through the woods of disclosure, some of us are in the thick of it, and some are on the path just outside the forest and petrified of entering.

Maybe we could call it the Yellow Brick Road of Disclosure. You're going to meet a witch or two on the way, and run into some scary trees and monkeys, but you're also going to meet some good friends too. In the end, hopefully you'll get to the Emerald City and from there, home. Of which there's no place like. ;)

And just because I can, I'd like to trot out my old chestnut - "the more we hide, the more we HAVE to hide."

Just my 2p.

Ann

Damn Ann that is deeeep...  I like the Yellow Brick Road of Disclosure analogy......  A very positive outlook indeed.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline elf

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #69 on: October 18, 2009, 09:26:57 AM »
When I was HIV negative, I didn't really expect someone to tell me: Hey, I'm HIV positive.
Here in Europe most countries haven't criminalized a nondisclosure (Only Norway has).

After my being diagnosed, a counselor at the HIV clinic told me: you don't have to disclose but you have to use condoms...

I think I don't even have to disclose anything because I think that everyone knows about my status, with only 500 cases and only 1 HIV clinic in this country, everyone who saw me entering this clinic knows I'm HIV+, and information spread very quick in this tiny country Cr.oatia is (especially in the gay community that is much like ''National Enquirer'')

Furthermore, the only person I disclosed was the best friend of mine (a lesbian), but she ran away from me, and told everyone I know (and don't know) about my status.

Now, I live hiding.

So, having a sex with someone here is a big no no.

I've never been a ''sexual'' person, but more of a romantic one, so it's even more difficult...I do think (subjectivelly speaking) one should disclose if relationship is (going to be) involved, even tho' I do think one should not necessarily have to disclose in a ONS situation...


The moral of the story: I was sexually active from 1999-2008, 9 partners (3 of them were boyfriends), with the last partner a condom was not used: and I tested positive.

« Last Edit: October 18, 2009, 09:47:44 AM by elf »
Let's have a Kiki!

Offline Suga

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #70 on: October 18, 2009, 09:15:31 PM »
I go throught the same thing! Now I have to be extra careful of whom I deal with at all. It is a hard task. And if someone ask me that I did not tell I tell them no. Not because I am trying to hide something but because I feel it is none of their business. >:(
So I've been upfront when meeting someone new that I'm HIV+ and up until recently, I haven't had any issues.  Well recently I told this guy I was and he told SEVERAL people about my status and it's starting to spread like wild fire!  So many people don't disclose thier status which I always thought was wrong, but now I'm start to actually understand why they don't.

How can people expect you to be upfront if they are going to be so malicious about your status?

Offline pos2007

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #71 on: October 18, 2009, 11:04:30 PM »
 I'll  put  it  this  way  when  you  say that   you are 100%  safe  using  a condom.   My  wife  and  I   have  both  heard about several kids  that  were  born  in  our  area;   their  parents  saying  they  weren't  planned,   the  condom   broke.   As I've  stated  here B4,   you  should  try  to  be careful,   but  sometimes  sht   just  happens. As  to  the  comment  if  you  are  undetectable  you  can't spread  the   virus:  Sweden   announced  that  last   winter;   a  month  later a study  came  out  that  disproved  the Swiss theory. Read  the  past  issues  of  Aids meds  and  POZ.  it   is  in  there.  Like  I  said,  it  often depends  on  what  meds  you  are on  and  if   the  meds   pass into your genitals (  prostate/ testicals/  cowpers glan/ seminal  vesicals).  Some  drugs  don't.  I'll  go  one step further.  Having AIDS  from  being  HIV  pos.  sucks. Been  there.  I  know.  I  would  not  wish  on  my enemies.  Anyone  that  is  willing   to "chance"  exposing   someone else  without  disclosing  w/o  giving  them   the  opportunity  to  decline  is  an  ass.  End  of  story.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2009, 11:17:53 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline edfu

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #72 on: October 19, 2009, 12:22:46 AM »
"No one will ever be free so long as there are pestilences."--Albert Camus, "The Plague"

"Mankind can never be free until the last brick in the last church falls on the head of the last priest."--Voltaire

Offline elf

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #73 on: October 19, 2009, 11:16:19 AM »
Even If HIV is detectable in semen, the risk of transmitting the virus from a HIV+ ''bottom'' person to a HIV- ''top'' person in MSM sex is very low if the condom is used.

In ideal world, everyone would disclose his/her HIV status with ease.
But the world is not ideal, here where I live most people have 1980/1 level of knowledge on HIV/AIDS, even the gay community (which is more HIV+ unfriendly than the str8 community):

http://www.aiha.com/en/ResourceLibrary/Publications/CommonHealth/pdf/2005%20-%20Spring/13%20Inaction%20in%20the%20Face%20of%20HIV%20Fosters%20Discrimination%20--%20Croatians%20Decide%20to%20Take%20Issue%20Head%20On.pdf
« Last Edit: October 19, 2009, 11:32:34 AM by elf »
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Offline ruralguy

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #74 on: October 23, 2009, 05:42:23 PM »
I just read this on Gallant's John's Hopkins website - read what he says about
.....
Undetectable viral load

Joel E. Gallant, M.D., M.P.H.

Posted on Oct 20, 2009
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read in this forum that there have been no known documented transmission of the HIV virus when undetectable. Is this true? Does pre-ejaculation carry the same risk as full ejaculating during intercourse or oral sex?

On Oct 21, 2009 Joel E. Gallant, M.D., M.P.H. replied:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe that is still true. The risk with pre-seminal fluid ("pre-cum") is lower, because boththe amount of HIV and the quantity of fluid are lower. However, there is HIV in preseminal fluid.

http://www.hopkins-hivguide.org/q_a/patient/recent_questions/undetectable_viral_load_.html?contentInstanceId=506420&siteId=7151
tested positive June 19, 2009
7/3/09 vrl 9000 cd4 - 300
8/14/09 cd4 - 350, 20%
started Atripla 9/14/09
10/5/09 vrl undetectable, WOW so fast!
12/28/09 vrl undetectable, CD4 - 615  27% cholesterol down, kidney function normal
4/26/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-600, kidney and liver numbers normal
9/9/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-685
1/3/11 vrl undetectable, CD4-700
all 2011 and Jan 2012 visits vrl undetectable CD4 ranged from 715-645
5/7/2012  vrl undetectable, CD4-615, all liver, kidney, lipids, heart functions, etc normal


On Atripla:  "Your mileage may vary"

Offline pos2007

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #75 on: October 23, 2009, 08:37:36 PM »
Please  use a condom.  I  know  condoms are  just about as  desirable as a garbage bag tied around  your  head,  but  think  about  it.  How  many  of  us  would  not  have Hiv now if someone somewhere  in  the  past   would   Have  put  a rubber  on  his  willie? Would  my  wife  have received  infected blood?   Maybe  not.  Would  I  have  contracted  the  HIV?  probably  not. If  you  have  no  regard for  yourself or your partners,  ??? please  have some regard  for  others so  they  can  give  you the same  mutual respect.  ;)
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline elf

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #76 on: October 23, 2009, 09:25:39 PM »
If I ever choose to have sex again, I will make sure the condom is used and no (condomless) oral sex is performed on me.  :)
Let's have a Kiki!

Offline ruralguy

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #77 on: October 24, 2009, 09:02:01 AM »
No question about using condoms...of course one should.

Nonetheless the statement supported by Gallant that there has been "been no known documented transmission of the HIV virus when undetectable" is pretty incredible.  He is, after all, a world class expert and we are not.

Gallant, in reponse to another question, does not even recommend PEP in the case of accidental exposure in a discordant couple when the + person is undetectable.     See:  http://www.hopkins-hivguide.org/q_a/patient/recent_questions/pre-ejacualation_risk_-_undetectable.html?contentInstanceId=502561&siteId=7151

Please do not misunderstand....I agree condom use is always a must. 

But I also think people should get past some un-necessary fear of sexual relations after they are on treatment. 
tested positive June 19, 2009
7/3/09 vrl 9000 cd4 - 300
8/14/09 cd4 - 350, 20%
started Atripla 9/14/09
10/5/09 vrl undetectable, WOW so fast!
12/28/09 vrl undetectable, CD4 - 615  27% cholesterol down, kidney function normal
4/26/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-600, kidney and liver numbers normal
9/9/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-685
1/3/11 vrl undetectable, CD4-700
all 2011 and Jan 2012 visits vrl undetectable CD4 ranged from 715-645
5/7/2012  vrl undetectable, CD4-615, all liver, kidney, lipids, heart functions, etc normal


On Atripla:  "Your mileage may vary"

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #78 on: October 24, 2009, 10:50:35 AM »

But I also think people should get past some un-necessary fear of sexual relations after they are on treatment. 


You're not kidding! Some people here are so sex-negative. It's depressing.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline denb45

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #79 on: October 24, 2009, 11:47:28 AM »
You're not kidding! Some people here are so sex-negative. It's depressing.

Ann

Yes......Life does continue, even after yrs of treatment, it's never the end of one's sexual desire's wants and needs, at least I hope it isn't  ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline BlueMoon

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #80 on: October 24, 2009, 08:24:35 PM »
You're not kidding! Some people here are so sex-negative. It's depressing.

Ann

Regarding man to man sex at least, HIV is a minor hindrance at worst to an active sex life.  Nor is it necessary to 'settle' for sex only with other poz guys, although that is my personal preference.
...................VL.....CD4.....%
-----------------------------------------
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

Offline pos2007

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #81 on: October 24, 2009, 09:34:23 PM »
I read  this  whole  thread and  I  can't see where anyone  is  "sex negative"  I  see  where  unsafe sex  is  promoted  and  safe  sex  is  promoted and there is  fear of  having sex since being  diagnosed.  Personally  I  pray   the day comes when I can  have  sex  again   and  hope  all   the rest  of  you  can  get all  you  can take as  long as  you don't  put  yourself or  others at additional  risk.   having  been in  the  position  of  not  being  able  to  have  sex   due  to  complications  from  surgery years  ago and more recently from a prostatectomy,  I am  in  the  position  to  know  what  it  like  to  not    'get any'.  Very  depressing not  only  for  me , but  my  partner. And yes,   even  though  using a rubber sucks,  we did practice  safe sex  when  having sex became  possible again in  the  past to prevent  each  other   further  misery   from  exposure   to  differing mutations  of  the  HIV  and additional  HIV med  changes  even  though we orignally started  out  with  the  same mutations.  No sex- no.  ??? Safe sex - yes.  ;) Lots  of  safe sex-  yes,  yes ,  yes.  ;D ;D  Come on  people,  just  think  about  it,   you don't  go  out  and  shovel  snow  barefoot  and  only  wearing  a thong.  You  put  on  shoes,  coat  and   gloves to  protect  yourself from   frost  bite.  It  makes  the  same  sense  to  dress  your  little  buddy  for  protection  too.   Edit: 10/25/2009 I  usually  have  many edits because  I  can't  seem  to  get  my  fingers  and   brain  to  work  togetr to  correct spelling  and  words  in the  wrong  place.  It  has  been  called  to  my  attention  that there appears  to  be  no  posts promoting  unsafe  sex.  Either  that  has   been  edited  out in  the  many  edits I see  here or  I  am  answering  the  wrong  thread.  Either  way ,  having re-read this  entire  thread I see  that  there is at  least  the  question or implication  that  it  may  be  possible  to   not transmit  HIV if  your viral  load  is <48 which only  means  the amount  of  virus  in  yur  blood  is too  low  for  the  test  to detect. Sweden anounced earlier  this  year  that undectable  meant  that  it was  o.k.  to  have  unprotected  sex. A  month  later POZ  had an  article that  that  theory  had  been  disproved and  it  was not  safe to  have  unprotected  sex.  A  link  to  that article was  just  posted  in  another thread  the  other  day.  At any rate  this entire  thread  has digressed off topic.  The  guy  that went around  blabbing    is  still  an  ass. The ability  to  have  sez in  my  opinion  is partly responsible for aloowing  us  to keep  our mental  sanity.  The subconscious/conscious  fear  of  taking  risk can errode that bit of  sanity  over  time.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2009, 01:41:06 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline amonra23a

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #82 on: October 26, 2009, 03:37:33 PM »
was thinking maybe disclosure is the way to go for me.  I just meet a dude who is neg. im poz undetectable on HAART for a yr.  Any good tips on when the better time is to disclose?  Upfront and right away or after you think it might go somewhere.  Sex play, where is the line?  Any sex play safe?  First time having to disclose just a little guidance need.

Offline BlueMoon

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Re: Do I tell everyone I'm sexually active with, I'm Poz???
« Reply #83 on: October 26, 2009, 04:37:17 PM »
Amonra, what is 'safe' depends on who you ask.

What counts here is what he thinks is safe.  So if your goal is to establish a trusting relationship, you should disclose your condition before any sex.  Then you can work out between yourselves what you're both comfortable with.  

I don't have much to offer for how to go about it.  Probably an oblique reference in your conversation, such as an upcoming doctor's appointment, or time to take your pill(s), might be easiest.  I wonder how you know his HIV status, but he not yours.

Anyway, good luck!

Edit to add: Welcome to the forum.
...................VL.....CD4.....%
-----------------------------------------
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

 


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