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Author Topic: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life  (Read 5683 times)

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Offline max123

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Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« on: September 16, 2009, 02:19:55 PM »
hello all.

well, for starters, i'm 45, asymptomatic & tested poz for the first time in my life just 6 weeks ago (elisa & wb) during a routine annual std check. i'm still in 'that state of shock' that so many of you posters acknowledged in your threads & am currently trying to piece everything together. in these past few weeks i too have experienced every human emotion possible and lamented about how i could have allowed this to happen to me...sexually, i was always so careful. in short, my world came crashing down.

i have not discussed matters with family or friends yet, so i've basically been carrying this monkey on my back, alone. it's been tough trying to operate normally with work & all with the major preoccupation of hiv on my mind. i am grateful for this forum. reading through the posts has helped make a difference in my life, though i've a long way to go. like many of you, i have been combing the internet hoping to find all of the answers to my questions, but am finding myself more confused by the amount of contradictory info out there. mentally, i am finally beginning to move on passed the why & how did this happen & on to the what am i going to do about preserving my health chain of thought.

obtaining timely diagnostics through my local d.o.h. has been tough & am still waiting for my first doctor visit next week. since my diagnosis, i did have the opportunity to review my basic lab results: cd4 is 692, cd4% is 33 and vl is 1250 copies/ml. the nurse said these numbers are good and isn't sure if the doctor will prescribe meds. any thought on this? any recommendations on books, publications, sites or whatever on hiv or living with hiv would really be appreciated.

thanks, max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline confidentIwillbeOK

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2009, 02:56:35 PM »
Here a few sites you may find useful:

http://www.thebody.com
http://www.hopkins-aids.edu
http://www.thebody.com
http://www.aac.org/health
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv
http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu
http://www.aidsmap.com
http://www.avert.org

...and I highly recommend the book "100 Questions and Answers About HIV and AIDS" by Joel Gallant.  This book really helped me a lot.  Amazon has it:

http://www.amazon.com/100-Questions-Answers-About-AIDS/dp/0763750425


I was diagnosed about 2 months ago and am still deciding about "early treatment".  Your numbers appear excellent and many doctors would not advise starting meds now.  Search these forums (and websites above) for a whole bunch of articles and threads dealing with this topic.  If you were diagnosed during ARS there is a school of thought that starting a treatment regimen could help reduce immune system damage but the jury seems to be out on that.  You are definitely 100% not in a situation were you need to be on meds.

These forums are very educational so if you have any specific questions you need answered as you learn more and meet with your doctor you can be confident that people will read and respond.

Before you have your first appointment I would try to do as much reading as possible so you can ask good questions.  Order Gallant's book!   ;)  Make sure you ask the doctor about "resistance" testing.  

All the best,
Steve





Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2009, 03:28:30 PM »
hi steve.

thanks for the info. as you kindly suggested, i want to ensure my upcoming first visit is as fruitful as can be expected and i realize that i must take an active role in making that a reality. largely, i'm a firm believer that knowlege=power.

i've reviewed alot of info at several of the websites that you mentioned...thebody.com & avert seem to have some good info, though i have found it somewhat limited in detail.  additionally, it's owed to some of the info at the different websites that has spurned some of my confusion regarding when & if i should start meds. i guess the two current competing hypotheses are starting meds early regardless of cd4 counts to preserve immune function vs not starting before cd4 reaches 350. i do realize that my numbers appear to be good given what i have read, so i'm okay with waiting until i meet the doctor next week to discuss all.

ps: i'm already scheduled to have the genome test drawn next week...thanks for making sure that i knew about that!

so, how are you doing with all of this?
« Last Edit: September 16, 2009, 03:42:13 PM by max123 »
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2009, 04:23:01 PM »
Sorry about your diagnosis.
Had same shock last year.
Were you negative in recent years, or untested?
The numbers are good, they don't fit the protocal for treatment, but your specialist will explain.
Good luck, it gets much easier and the preoccupation will fade!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline confidentIwillbeOK

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  • Posts: 131
Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2009, 05:19:06 PM »
Max, doing OK!  Here is my my first post in this forum from August 13 which was 2 weeks after I got the news:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=28465.msg350545#msg350545

...#8 on the list of things I did in the first few weeks:

8.) read "100 questions about HIV and AIDS" by Joel Gallant.  Excellent book that helped me get out of my funk on day three.  I read the book in it's entirety in one sitting and it really allowed me to be optimistic that what I was feeling in the first 48 hours was bullshit (you know....the "this sucks I am going to die" thoughts).

This one was really key.  Before I read the book I thought I was fucked and nothing would be "normal" again.  I knew that treatments have come a long way and many (or most) people are doing much better and that it wasn't a "death sentence" but I guess I hadn't really begun to synthesize and internalize that I could be OK.  After reading it (like I said in one sitting) I craved for more information and data to confirm some of the things that he wrote about so I just started to read more and more. 

I guess my other suggestion would be to have at least one or two people to talk to.  I think I would have been a basket case if I didn't have my partner, a couple of friends, and my mother to talk to. 

Anywho......good luck and you are 100% correct in that knowledge = power.  As you are here looking for knowledge I know you will have the power to do well.  As you already know there is conflicting information about a lot of things so sometimes, or oftentimes, there is no 100% correct answer so don't be discouraged by that.....work with your doctor or care providers to do what is best for you. 

If you have questions obviously come back to the forums but also play around with the "search" feature.  You can search on specific meds, "early treatment", resistance or genome tests, etc....to find threads about things I am sure you either have questions about now or will a little down the road.

Steve
 

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2009, 05:31:40 PM »
hi mecch.

thanks & same out to you. yes, i've tested negative on every prior test, which has more or less been every 12 months since 1986. that's what made this time around a bigger shock for me. but as they say, there's a first time for everything, right? yeah, time is the great healer and i'm sure that once i'm more comfortable with knowing about the disease and its effects on my body things will settle down a little. in the meantime, it's getting myself as informed as i can so i can stay healthy.
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline CallMeSid

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2009, 05:52:35 PM »
Hey, Max.

Sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis.  About 2 years ago, I went through a similar surprise/shock, testing HIV+ at the age of 37 after about 16 years of roughly annual HIV tests (all negative, including the one about a year prior).  It's good to hear that you've moved from the "how and why did this happen" stage to the "what do I do now to take care of myself stage.

Fortunately, like you I have "good numbers."  Personally, I chose/am choosing to stay off ARVs for the time-being.  Since it appears that my body has been controlling this virus very well for the last 2+ years, I'm choosing to "wait and watch"  -- i.e. getting regular CD4 and VL counts done and hope that should I need to start meds 5, 7, 10+ years down the road, even better drugs will be available at that time should I need/want them.  I realize that there is a school of thought that endorses a "hit hard and hit early" approach, but all things considered, it's not a theory I (personally) suscribe to.

I note that you said that you'll be having a genome test (genotypic resistance?) done next week.  Given your recent VL of 1,250, you may want to ask your doctor if he/she believes that the test results will be reliable given your low VL.  According to the panel that periodically updates the treatment guidelines for HIV:  "The Panel recommends that resistance testing be considered in patients with viral loads of 500–1,000 copies/mL but recognizes that it may not always be reliable at those levels."  (http://aidsinfo.nih.gov/contentfiles/AdultandAdolescentGL.pdf).  I realize that your most recent VL is a bit above 1,000, but just thought I'd through this out as an FYI.

Steve has provided you with a bunch of useful links.  Like him, I'd encourage you to read as much as you can (but take breaks when you're feeling overwhelmed with info).

Wishing you continued good health,

Sid

P.S.  Feel free to PM me if you're so inclined at any time.
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2009, 05:58:47 PM »
hi again steve.

interestingly, you & i both found out our status at about the same time...i got my rapid done on about 7/23. in fact, we both commented on zorros thread about 8/14.

wow, your 8/12 post is so right on the money. i really admire your stealth. indeed, you are definitely fortunate (in the loose sense of the word) that you have so much good working on your side and that you have the support network that you do....especially a partner who also happened to get infected at the same time that you did. your attitude about the whole thing is great, from the first feelings that we all go though to the resolution phase. it's been hard, but i'm trying to follow the same steps at beating this. i'm not the type of person to idle in this for an extensive period of time...that's not productive or good for the counts. i think that both individually & collectively, we can make a difference in our own lives. the saying goes, when life hands you chicken shit, make chicken salad, right? well, not literally anyways..lol

kudos to you, bud & continued good health & progress.

max

1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline ruralguy

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2009, 09:34:05 AM »
Max-

Sorry about your situation, but know that you will find lots of useful support here.  Your numbers are good.  Take your time now to learn and don't make any big choices.  The sources Steve points you too are the best....esp Gallant's book. 

About reading the web....it is exellent but you need to be careful not to get so into it that you are reading out-of-date information.  Also, you just have to take a break from it or it will make your head hurt.  Do something nice for yourself. 

I found out in a manner exactly like yours and I was in shock for some time. I have a partner of 26yrs and we have a 3rd playmate friend both of whom I told instantly and they have been remarkably helpful to me.  Also this particular forum has been very important as I live in a small rural town....there are no support groups around.  Please keep us informed abouthow your are doing.  And if you can find one or two people you can talk with, or a group if that suits you.

Hugs, Dave
tested positive June 19, 2009
7/3/09 vrl 9000 cd4 - 300
8/14/09 cd4 - 350, 20%
started Atripla 9/14/09
10/5/09 vrl undetectable, WOW so fast!
12/28/09 vrl undetectable, CD4 - 615  27% cholesterol down, kidney function normal
4/26/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-600, kidney and liver numbers normal
9/9/10 vrl undetectable, CD4-685
1/3/11 vrl undetectable, CD4-700
all 2011 and Jan 2012 visits vrl undetectable CD4 ranged from 715-645
5/7/2012  vrl undetectable, CD4-615, all liver, kidney, lipids, heart functions, etc normal


On Atripla:  "Your mileage may vary"

Offline Dale Parker

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  • Posts: 266
Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2009, 03:29:41 PM »
Hi Max:  Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  I can't help you with the when to start the meds question. My CD4 count was 21 (no I'm not missing a number) when I was first tested. There was no question that I should be put on meds right away.
   I can help with the confusion part.  I knew virtually nothing about HIV and Aids so I had tons of questions for the doctor.  I would write the questions down on paper as I thought of them between appointments. My list was 15 to 20 questions for the first 4 or 5 appointments. I would type them in the computer and print them off prior to my appointment. I'd leave enough space so I could write the answers down as the doctor gave them to me.  It's amazing how scrambled you brain can get as soon as you leave the doctors office.
  After my second appointment the doctor used to ask for my list as soon as I walked in. That way he could answer the questions at the appropriate time during the appointment.  Since appointments have a limited time he could not answer all the question in one appointment.  Having the questions in "Word" I would go home and edit out the answered questions and re save the unanswered ones under my next appointment date.           
  Of course I had new questions by the next appointment. I would add them to my list as soon as I thought of them. Doing it this way made sure I got all my questions answered and I wouldn't get out of his office and suddenly remember a question that I forgot to ask. Writing down the answers during the appointment ensured that I didn't forget the answers.
Best of luck
Dale
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD

Offline Joe K

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2009, 07:36:37 PM »
Hey Max,

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but glad that you found your way here.  The advice given by others is a great start and I just thought you might like to meet someone like me.  I'm here to tell you that things will get better, just give it some time.  Realize that you are the same person today that you were before your infection.  Believe that HIV is only a virus and never surrender more than it demands.  Believe that whatever path you choose, you are doing what is best for you and that whatever treatment you may undertake, will be beneficial with minimal side effects.  Be kind to yourself and seek support wherever you can.

Learn to become your own best friend and if that includes forgiving yourself, for whatever role you may have played in becoming poz, then that is what you must do.  You did nothing wrong and nobody deserves HIV.  Be careful when your health challenges you to remain a survivor and never become either a victim or martyr.  I promise that if you do all of this, there is no reason that you will not live a long and fulfilling life.  I should know, I have been doing it for 25 years.

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2009, 10:27:10 AM »
thanks to all that have taken the time and responded to my thread & for welcoming me into the 'community'. all of your kind words of encouragement & info provided are well taken & really appreciated.  peace. max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2009, 10:34:08 AM »
well, just had my first doctor's appointment. apparently the lab values that i had previously posted in this thread had been verbally reported incorrectly to me by the nurse...lesson learned: wait to see the doctor for results.

with a copy of my labs in hand, the actual values are: cd4 560, cd8 541, cd3 1115, cd4% 35, cd8% 33.8, cd3% 69.7 and vl 13,050 copies/ml (pcr). while my actual values are not as good as the ones informally reported to me last week, the doc said that they were pretty good overall and didn't recommend starting meds at this time. the doc also advised me that she does, however, recommend starting treatment when cd4 is between 350 & 500 (earlier rather than later). while i agree with not starting meds now, i'm definitely more concerned about my numbers. i am, however, trying to keep them in perspective because this is my first set of them. i don't know whether cd4/vl are on the way up/down from acute infection phase, or what. in fact, i didn't have a significant seroconversion issue, so i really don't know when i was infected, aside from it being during the preceding year or so, since my last neg test. i don't know how long acute phase vl spike typically lasts, how quickly it comes down or if there is a simultaneous decline in cd4 count that creeps back up after the acute phase. does anyone know anything about this or about how i can attempt to estimate when i got infected based on the blood results, or if my cd4/vl numbers would be expected to be in a state of increase/decline at this point? the physiological response to recent hiv infection is really something i need to educate myself on, and am hoping that someone out there can share some knowledge.

the doc said that she would run my next labs in 3 months. having only been recently diagnosed i'm trying to keep my head up about all of this & maintain a positive (no pun intended) outlook on things and figure out some of the missing pieces on my own at this point.  any info that any of you can share would be helpful. thanks in advance for any advice on this...peace, max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2010, 05:57:59 PM »
hi people,

since my last update i've been feeling ok and taking care of both body & mind. coming to terms with all of this is indeed a process. i'm glad to have had the opportunity to learn from many of you and share with those that came here after me.
 
just got my second set of numbers today. i had the blood drawn in the morning so it would be consistent with my first draw.  my cd4 & % are more or less the same, but interestingly, my has vl dropped about 10K since my first blood draw 4 months ago. is this large of a blip south in vl commonly seen? i'm almost wondering if it's a lab error. infection/seroconversion was at some point in the year & 1/2 or so.

max
« Last Edit: January 13, 2010, 07:51:41 PM by max123 »
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2010, 01:35:19 AM »
My viral load has gone up and down...from 24,000, down to 6,000 and back up.  It has been staying up lately.  I haven't even heard of CD3.  I saw my CD8, but all the docs say to ignore that number.  They said they don't use it.  However, I am interested in your low CD8.  Mine was like 1700.  CD8 is usually high in HIVers.

I wish ya the best.  You've gotten a lot of good advice.  It is a shame you were given wrong info.  I know I was told they were sure I had a false positive when I first saw them.  They said they were sure of it.  Well, it wasn't and it was like being told all over again. 

Anything I could add--  I've found it helpful to type up questions I want to ask and keep a file of all those questions and my labs.  I ask them for copies of my labs.  CD4 of 500 is the new guideline for treatment.  Some say between 350-500.  Half the experts wanted to start higher than 500. 

   

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2010, 09:30:29 PM »
hi ted,

yeah, it's pretty wild how our numbers can fluctuate so dramatically. if i remember correctly, your not on meds yet either.

cd3 is the total number of t cells (cd4 + cd8). cd8 includes killer & suppressor t cells. i'm also curious about my cd8, which has come down even further since my first labs. i think the trend is that it does typically increase. and you're right, it frequently is higher in many pozzies. in short, my lower end cd8 values def have me stumped.

my new #s: cd4 568, cd8 524, cd3 1083, cd4% 33.4, cd8% 30.8, cd3% 63.7

yeah, getting hard copies of my first numbers was definitely a shock considering the nurses error. what had happened was that she got the word from another nurse that my vl was 1250 & told me the value verbally...not realizing that it was thousand, and a hundred shy at that. oh well, live & learn, right? now i ask for hard copies ;)

thanks for the advice regarding questions for the doc about labs. i'm gonna resume doing that because there are just too many things to remember to ask about at that given moment. she & i talked about the new guidelines, about isentress/truvada vs. atripla, etc, so we did discuss most of my important questions. this particular doc was the one that had initially told me last time that she was cool with starting me at that time if i had wanted to. she repeated her offer this time as well and is generally of the mindset to start patients early (around cd4 500), but looking at my second labs, she said that she preferred that i wait because my vl had decreased, which i'm totally cool with. i'll tell you though, it's still such a confusing issue...starting early or waiting. there are pros & cons to both sides. i guess i'll wait it awhile longer & see what my numbers do & how i physically feel. anyhow, that's the deal for now.

hey, an aside, i'm glad that your recent trip to fla went well. it's good that you came down when you did...it got really cold down here last week, well, by fla standards anyway.

take care.

max
« Last Edit: January 14, 2010, 09:32:28 PM by max123 »
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline wow1969

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  • Posts: 208
Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2010, 07:48:12 PM »
Sorry to hear this has happened in your life .. two years ago, i got the same diagnoses ... However, I'm not going to give you a nice, life is fine speech but it won't be doomsday either ..

1.) HIV SUX ...
2.) Your life will change and you will not go back to being who you were prior to HIV
3.) It really isn't the end .. but a new beginning and your attitude will determine alot about how your new beginning goes for you ...

I kept thinking "I can't wait till I get all this sorted out and I've come to terms with it" ... it was almost a goal for me to attain .. You know what? Does't work like that .. Just as soon as I get a grip on one part, another rears it's head and needs to be dealt with ... so the best advice I think anyone who is newly diagosed is ...

Breathe, breathe, breathe and deal with it one day at a time ...


Good luck to you ....

Offline max123

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2010, 09:17:32 AM »
hi wow,

thanks for the advice. you're right.. dealing with hiv does suck, taking with it much physical and mental energy. no matter what, it's always there. but for me so far, the key seems to be staying ahead of it, versus the other way around. sometimes that's harder than others.

i'm trying to very much be the person i was before my diagnosis: staying on track with my life goals, etc. who knows how it will all pan out? the disease is tricky and appear to effects everyone differently in its course so there's no set path to anticipate & follow. but, i do personally believe that trying to lead as normal a life as i can & taking care of myself will bring me closer to obtaining all that i had set out for myself before hiv. time will tell, right?

agreed, this is all a new beginning for all of us diagnosed. it's all about learning to deal and live with a potentially terminal condition. doing so one day at a time is mandatory.

you hang in there too, bud.

take care.

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline wow1969

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Re: Recently tested poz & trying to sort out my life
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2010, 02:25:04 AM »
Max, I totally agree that you need to stay ahead of it ... I've had HIV for two years and had a pretty useless dr .. maybe brilliant but not good for me ... now i have a new dr, see for the first time in a few weeks ... i've ignored some fo the advice from my previous dr and started working out again ... i've become proactive

and you know what, my attitude has changed .. my outlook as changed ... I'm ok ... I'm really and truly ok ... it took me two years to get here but I'm really glad I got here ....

Don't rush it ... Hang in there and go at the pace that is best for you ... some people i know have come to grips with this in months ... others never have ... you will find your way as you should ...

i wuold give anything (well maybe not, i'm pretty attached to my boy parts) to be negative but i'm pretty happy with where my life is right now ... life is good and there was a time i could not think of saying that phrase ever again ....

 


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