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Author Topic: Dating Advice  (Read 2130 times)

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Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Dating Advice
« on: September 11, 2009, 06:44:14 PM »
Im an HIV+ male, on Meds, very healthy, and have being undetectable for over a year.  For my doctor recommendations I should go back to dating and start having a normal (whatever normal means when you are +) sex life. After my diagnosed I have dedicated myslef to my work, house and dogs, He said it will be good for my self esteem, social life and confidence; of course we talk about safe sex, and disclosure of my status.
But these are the issues that I am having:

1) Do I need to disclouse my status even if its a one night stand and we practice safe sex?
2) Do I need to disclouse my status on the first date?
3) Can I infect someone even if I am undetectable?
4) Why do I feel like I dont want to date or even have sex with other men? is this fear of being rejected normal on all HIV+ men?
5) Is it better for HIV+ to only date other + man and, if that is the case, where and how to find others without letting the whole word know that I am HIV+?
6) Do I need to tell my friends and family members?
7) What is the best way to tell someone you are +?

I just have the fear of being rejected or judge by others.  When I am around some people I have heard them make comments about others such as " Look he looks sick" or " I just got tested and I am so glad I am not HIV+" or " You know so and so is HIV+ I wonder how many people he slept with?"

I just dont know what to say or do at that particular moment, so I have decided to just remove myself for the bars, dating scene, and people that make those kind of comments.

Thanks for your advise.

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2009, 08:23:22 PM »
Hello Tony, maybe this thread should be moved to the "Living with" forum, so that it gets more traffic and responses.  Hopefully one of the mods will do that for you.

You will get different responses about this topic.  I for one can tell you that I (being recently diagnosed) have no plans to date --or be sexually active, except with myself :)) for a good while.  I think you've done well in taking care of yourself and your health; these need to be your top priorities at this point.  

Companionship is important to some of us however, and you will learn that several members of these forums are in relationships (some of them for many years).  You simply need to weigh the importance/need for a relationship at this point in your life.  Based on what you wrote I see that you have known your status for at least one year, so you may/should be ready to face the dating world again.  So here's what I can tell you about the questions you posted --based on what I would do.

1. Yes, it would allow you to relax and not feel like you have withheld info from people.  Plus, some states have rules requiring this type of disclosure.  I believe you are in GA, not sure if it is a mandate over there.
2. No.  You should see if the person is a worthy candidate. This is information that not everyone needs to learn right away (and some may react stupidly; that's why you need to get a feel about the individual).
3. If you are referring to unprotected sex the short answer is [probably] yes. Different studies indicate that this is a possibility.  If the sex is safe(r) then the answer is no.  Condoms matter.
4. That may be fear (which is understandable), and it is something that could/should be explored with a good therapist.  You need to get to the real bottom line issue behind such feelings.
5. Some people prefer to sero-sort.  It eliminates fear of rejection and other worries.  There are however many serodiscordant (or magnetic) couples out there --I was part of such a relationship back when I was just 17.  If you want to find other poz people then you may want to check the poz personals on this website.  I personally don't recommend sex-sites like manhunt, unless you are looking for one night stands.
6. It depends on your relationship with them.  You need however to have a strong support network.  I told my immediate family and my five closest friends.  Having them has been crucial to my mental health.
7. I prefer a matter of fact, short, direct statement such as:  "I am going to share this with you 'cause you are important to me; I tested positive for HIV."  Do not allow guilt or excessive sadness to be part of your disclosure.

Again, all of these responses are personal.  Others will perhaps tell you differently based on their own experiences.

Best of luck and health!

m.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline PeteNYNJ

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  • Posts: 979
  • When life gives you AIDS...make LemonAIDS!
    • Dance for Me, Puppets
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2009, 02:58:56 AM »
1) Do I need to disclouse my status even if its a one night stand and we practice safe sex?

This is up to you, but I find it is easier to let people know.  You won't have to worry about negative consequences if someone find out you are positive. 

2) Do I need to disclouse my status on the first date?

No, but the sooner you tell someone, the more honest your relationship will be. 

3) Can I infect someone even if I am undetectable?

Yes, but studies show it is harder to infect if undetectable.

4) Why do I feel like I don't want to date or even have sex with other men? is this fear of being rejected normal on all HIV+ men?

Self loathing when first diagnosed is normal.  If this continues, you should seek counseling.  If it is a physiologically problem, cant get it up, talk to your physician.

5) Is it better for HIV+ to only date other + man and, if that is the case, where and how to find others without letting the whole word know that I am HIV+?

Serosorting is one way people feel comfortable dating.  It takes the guess work out of it.  As for letting the whole world know you are positive, why do you care so much?  Seems to be some self esteem issues.

6) Do I need to tell my friends and family members?

No, but they can be a world of help.  Mind who you tell though, make sure they are people who would be helpful and not those who would judge

7) What is the best way to tell someone you are +?

Sit them down and tell them, but have some information for them and be prepared for questions.  Don't be surprised if they are scarred, shocked, angry, etc.  They are human..help them through the process.

Offline Dale Parker

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2009, 10:35:19 AM »
Hey Tony:  Regarding your question of disclosing your HIV status. There seems to be a lot of controversy on what undetectable means sex wise. I live in Canada and they are getting very tough on HIV+ people who have sex and don't disclose or lie about their HIV+ status.  So far they have charged at least 3 males with aggravated assult and attempted murder.  One guy actually got charged with "assult with a deadly weapon". It looks like these guys had unprotected sex but the articles aren't clear in two of the cases.  One str8 guy was found guilty of attempted murder and is waiting sentencing. Apparently he lied about his status.
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD

Offline sdguyloveslife

  • Member
  • Posts: 134
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2009, 01:56:11 PM »
Thanks for a GREAT set of questions!  I’m really eager to see what kind of responses you get because I’m trying to answer many of these for myself.  Here's my take...keep in mind, I'm on a pretty steep learning curve with all of this, so after seeing what kinds of responses you get, I suspect I might learn something new...

1)  For me, this question feels like a minefield.  With regard to “one-nighters” or “casual sex” it seems pretty clear that if we have intercourse, then we wrap it up and I don’t feel as though I need to disclose if it’s just a one night stand.  What if we only have oral sex?  From reading this site, I feel totally confident that if he swallows my cum, he’s not going to get HIV, but I’m not always sure “he” (the one night stand guy) would agree. 

2)  At this point, I would not – but I hope one day I can feel comfortable enough about it that I could disclose so quickly. 

3)  Theoretically, yes, if the sex is unprotected. 

4)  For me, the fear of rejection is pretty big.  I have also been pleasantly surprised by some guys.  Just a couple weeks ago, I told a hiv(-) guy I was poz and he was not affected by it at all and said “so what, we just use a rubber.”  I have also had the opposite experience that after disclosure, the other guy suddenly doesn’t want to have sex – even if protected – and he runs for the hills!  That hurts. 

5)  We often can’t control our feelings/emotions toward others and if you are truly “in love” with someone, HIV status is something I see (+/-) couples willing to work around. 

6)  That’s totally up to you.  My family has never been supportive of me and it’s no accident that I live over 2,000 miles away from them.  I don’t see how disclosing this is going to do anything but make them judge me and feel so proud of themselves because “they warned me” that this was one of the dangers of choosing this homosexual lifestyle. 

7)  I’ve only told my closest confidantes – so, not really sure myself. 
Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.

Offline renevatio

  • Member
  • Posts: 28
  • Incesant vicissitude
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2009, 02:24:28 PM »
I will chime in, with my POV, which, like sdguy, is viewed only through a short-term lense, as I am very new to being +.  I am sure my opinions will change over time as my references grow.


1) I would, at this point, feel complicit if I did not disclose.  Like livebythemoon suggested, in many states, not doing so is actually illegal.  But I would do it for my own peace of mind, as well as what I perceive as my karma.  I would hate to ever come to find out that I transmitted this to anyone else at all...but especially without them not having all the data so that they can make a properly informed decision.  I would be, in effect, choosing for them, which I don't see as my place.

2) I, personally, would disclose earlier, rather than later.  If the date progresses to anything physical, I would disclose on the first date.  Yes, this opens me up to more rejection, but also allows me to fully embrace my state of present existence...to "own" my world and dictate my path from here.

3) I think that thoroughly reading the studies should answer that one.

4) I fear rejection...in fact was was rejected by my GF when I was diagnosed, just due to the disease.  So the fear of dying without a relationship ever again is a spectre I wrestle with daily.  I have lost all sex drive since my diagnosis.  I hope it is temporary, lol.

5) I am comfortable with dating either + or - as long as they have full knowledge of the situation, and have read about the risks.

6) No, but the more you are comfortable with you, and your condition, the more you can accept yourself and love yourself, and be OK just being.  My family has been very good to me.

7) I have come right out and said it.  Mostly face-to-face, but some over the phone.  I called a group of my friends together one evening and told them I needed to make an announcement.  We all hugged and cried together.  They constantly check up on me and invite me over.  They can care for me better, and give me support more effectively now that they know.  I want to get to the place where I easily and openly tell anyone, and am so confidant in who I am...that I don't fear any rejection nor judgment.



Again, just my .02 - and I am still "breaking-in" my new skin, so keep that in mind...

~!?~
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

-Dr. Harold Thurman

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2009, 05:20:07 PM »



   The best way I found to disclose is shortly after we finish and I tell them, "Welcome to my world BABY!!!!"  OK, calm down everyone I am just kidding. 

   I only dated positive women before  my wife and I found each other.  That pretty much made our status understood.  Today though, and I am just being honest, if it is going to be something meaningful, you know where trust and stuff come into play, I would definitely be open about my status before we had sex.  A one night stand however, which is hard to come by with the ladies in any event, I don't know....  To tell the truth my one night stands always happend on the third night.

   I guess I can't answer correctly..

   As far as everyone else is concerned, that is a personal preference and one that can only be dealt with individually taking into account how comfortable a person is with his or her status.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Dating Advice
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2009, 05:14:11 PM »
I would like to thank all of you for your honest and kind words. No only did it answer a lot of my questions but it helps me feel that I am not alone with all these issues; that I am part of a big loving community.
It definetely helps to read that others are going or have gone thru the same things. After reading your responses I feel stronger about what would I do if I come accross the dating, one night stand, family and friends situation.
I guess my fear of rejection has kept me pretty much alone with a sexless, and a very limited social life. I definetely feel that its my duty and responsibily to disclouse my status, even in a one night stand situation and that I will always use protection, but it helps reinforce the feeling to know that others feel the same and have gone thru the experience.
Again, thank you for your responses and I gues now, I need to take a leap of faith, feel more confortable with my status, and start meeting people. 


 


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