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Author Topic: what does this meen to you  (Read 2246 times)

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Offline em

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  • Posts: 99
what does this meen to you
« on: September 05, 2009, 01:08:20 AM »
a double edge sword cuts both ways

how about what goes around comes around

what ever does not kill you makes you stronger

once you are through the toughest challenge god and man

 can contrive the latter part of your life should be absolute bliss

just an idea an opinion about living with HIV for a long time and hoping what the rest of my life should be like and hoping that if my life is still a struggle in heaven the reword should be enormous after all this struggle

If nice guys finish last sometimes they finish best

if you do not know what I am talking about you have not lived yet

just saying please do not take offence and get angry

so sorry to take up your time

em

« Last Edit: September 05, 2009, 01:32:09 AM by em »

Offline skeebo1969

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  • Posts: 5,702
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2009, 03:22:52 AM »



  I don't know, but I am definitely trying to get my 2 yr old to stop crying when she spills her milk.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2009, 05:20:37 AM »
I am all for your philosophy if it works for you and gives you hope and comfort.
I think you should be careful not to take on or accept too much struggle, unnecessary struggle, in the hopes this will lead to heavenly bliss.... 
Some people following many religions have through history made a big mess thinking they were doing something difficult because it was God's will and would lead to bliss in Heaven.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2009, 06:09:01 AM »
thank you I agree

sorry still trying t ofind a mathmatical formula that proves love exists

I have evidence and some proof but the math some how some way does not add up

to many variables ? to even show there is love ?

just a question not necesserily true or false just a question

how to prove love exists ?
« Last Edit: September 05, 2009, 06:28:08 AM by em »

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,939
  • AM member since 2003
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2009, 06:44:14 AM »
Hi Em

I'm not sure how we prove love exists...maybe we just have to believe it does...who knows.

Hugs
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline leatherman

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  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2009, 11:25:23 AM »
I used to think about these kinds of things; but gave up when I realized the answers were just too elusive. ;) However ;D, here's some of my thinkings on the thoughts you put out there.

Karma coming around would be nice, but if it's true then I must have been very evil in a previous life to "deserve" the troubles that have befallen me in this life. :D What I've become as I've grown older is an avowed agnostic. There was just too much indoctrination in my youth going to Baptist-run schools for me to not have some faith in there being God and Heaven. However, if he truly gave us the power of "free will" then he truly can NEVER interfere lest the results of his "grand experiment" be changed. Far removed from the hustle and bustle of our lives his observation doesn't disturb the outcome that only we can reach if we use the tools that are available - not just our own mind and heart, but the minds and hearts of all the other people in the world. In other words, if I'm too stupid to take advantage of the antiretrovirals that other men and women thought of and produced, then it's my stupidity that'll kill me and no prayer will change that. Matter of fact, if God is truly allowing me to have free will (and everyone else in the world), then no prayers are ever answered. Just like God doesn't answer the prayers to pass a test, to win a ball game or to get a bike for Christmas, if he answered the prayers to heal the sick, or spare the church from the tornado, then God would be interfering in free will and we'd all just be mindless drones.

The "sad" catch to thinking this way, is that it means that all your "earthly existence" can end up being pretty miserable. If you continue the time line from God's point of view, then your soul is eternal and this existence is just a small portion. That "bliss" as a reward is never guaranteed to come during your lifetime on earth; and might not come until after you shed your earthly bonds and pass into the next life.

As to love :-*, I don't have any math to prove it; but I do have 2 pieces of anecdotal evidence.

When I first saw Randy, though I have always advised people against believing in "love at first sight" (and that's still my advice today), it truly was love at first sight. :-* Closing my eyes, I can still see him in a spotlight on the dancing floor dancing to Prince's "Baby I'm a star". I know it sounds like lust LOL; but this wasn't a stirring in my groin, it was something in my heart that I felt that night. It would take 2 more weeks before I satisfied any lust, yet in just 3 short wks I moved him into my apartment and into becoming a part of my life. In the nearly 10 yrs we had before he passed away, we only had one argument. Why? Because your help-mate should be there to help you with life not be part of the problems of the world. ;)

My second example is, even though I spent years vowing that I would not fall in love again lest I put someone through the grief of my loss as I had felt losing Randy, that I had already been in love all those years. I just took me a while to realize that it had already happened and to gratefully accept the fact that I had been in love with Jim :-* for years already. I spent almost another 10 years of my life with another partner helping me through the pitfalls of life.

So, I know love is out there; but I can't prove it.
what goes around doesn't neccesarily come around.
whatever doesn't kill you should make your stronger - if you learn the life lessons from that experience.
nice guys don't care about what place they "finish" in, they just worry about being nice.

mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2009, 11:27:00 AM »
Whenever I feel like questioning the existence of love I just play the song below by Björk (I know, probably not many people's cuppa, but give it a chance --it is quite beautiful).  It makes me realise that this emotion/concept/state of mind is something that starts from within, and that it does not come whenever or however I wish that it did.

Hope that you feel better soon Em.

All Is Full of Love
You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You've poured yours
Into

Maybe not
From the directions
You are
Staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you...

All is full of love
All around you
All is full of love
You just ain't receiving
All is full of love

Your phone is off the hook
All is full of love
Your doors are all shut
All is full of love

==============

And the video is quite magical:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2009, 02:26:10 PM »
the video I am sorry I did not understand the words or the music butthe imagery of machine person was so cool and life like made me think it was reel

that was some cool images may i say asume mecanical ness of love of creation

made me so jelious i can not make anything like that

 Karma of suffering and acheivement over adversity should be noticable and if not in this life the next I hope is not the same as the last few times I dremed about heavon it was just too perfect

like the bangels song heavon is a place on earth and love comes first

 wops an eighties song did I just give away that I am old

just watched the video again wiht a clearer mind this world we know live in feeld like it developt to the place of my dremas but passed me buy in the process while I was trying to find out how to make my life work life passed me by


sorry for the miss spellinge but I am ab it flusetered and if I check the spelling I will be tempted and then delet it

A little bit about myself I have bad habit of going all out and not holding back untill instinct takes over I run on pure emotional intuition and feeling thi gets me into trouble especially when dealing with such things like love and relationships. when I feel my intensity start to drop I wonder why I did what ia did and I feel both elated and ashamed at the same time pert of my own personal duality this intern makes me not the most reliable and sometimes the most anoying person earth.

can I by helped or saved I know not , however can any of us truelly be saved from what the world has placed against us on our own road of life

I just hope the next genration has this understanding that allows then to be able to rise above this and be the best they can with what they have and build a social structure with so much more diversity and a feeling of opertunity and freedomn that they will look back at us and think wow how did they get by in such a restricted confined social ecenomic system >  just saying not necesserily the truth just one conception of what might be true

sorry to have taken up so much of your time

EM

an old song came to my mind    Claude Debussy clair du Lune

Moonlight sonata
  

some day and the band played on in a piano version with out words will play in my heart whilemy mind dreams of the love lost along the road of life

and hopefully then I will be at peace again

trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life

EM

« Last Edit: September 07, 2009, 05:56:44 AM by em »

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2009, 04:43:18 PM »
lets see if I can explaine this in as few words as posible

hiv aids is beyound a cross road

if you know you have hiv and are taking medicine you are less likely to give it to anyone

then someone who does not know they have it and are spreading the virus to whomever they are intemet with

if you tell someone you have hIV they are not goin to have unsafesex with you

if you do not tell or do not know they might have sex with you and then get the virus

this is quite the conundrumn of a safety isue ?

what you do know is safer then what you do not know

even though

what you do not know is still more dangerious it is human nature to go with what they do not know becasue it gives them a false feeling of safelty not knowing is some how not as dangirous in the mind

even though the oposit is now the truth > ( even with me I have not had a sexual diet in so long I doupt  I even could perform anymore )  ( fear od losing the things most presious to me children taken awya casue I felt I was not able to perform the duty of care giver provider nad protector ) ( so sad ) I wonder if anyone like me will ever be around this planet agian ) ( i have some health isues born to me that well are very unique ) ( a verry large accedent at birth )

just an observation believe what ever you want and enjoy the ride cause other things can get you too

I hope some day to enjoy life again

all my best to you and all my blessings want those in some other languages or >

well somethings are best cept to your self I guess

so much for second chances I guess no one would have children with an HIV + disabled vet right

I know if I were a woman I would not want too

especailly one wiht my clasification to hard to comprehend true depth of thought and were it can lead >

man I wish

sorry just lisening to the radio

and free thought typing

all my best to you

EM



EM  

why do I thinnk like this ?

am I a mule

or a muse

what are my rights

my iner child rihgt now the spirit of ?

sorry to have written so much on your web page  I should not have taken up so much of our time

EM

live by the moon

one of my favorit fantasies has been two woman and myself but I had always thought that if I had that fantasy come true it would not have as much power in my mind to deliver the results I require in my fantasies ?

that is the problem with building your dreams to have more power then your reel life but once you become HIV + fantasy is all you have left > that is my guess anyway at least for the majority of my life > fantasies have had more power then reality that has been what has cept me alive during some verry scary situations

some one on here had said they di dnot beleive in angels ? and had mentioned unicorns > narwal tusks <

living to safely deprives your reality of all this wolrd has to offer of love living and enjoyment

bad things right ?

EM ( an average ENLISTED MAN )

sorry had to go to fiction for a while to build up my focus on the isue at hand

having unsafe sex with someone who knows they have the viurs and are keeping it in check wiht meds and are true about that is safer then having unsafe sex with someone who does not know what there status is

just an observation but if you have unsafesex with people who always say they do not have it

then when you find out you then have it people are not allways trust worthy

incase that might be news to you

there are dangerous all around and making things wiorse is not the answer

all my best to you

and please feel free to beleive and think whatever gives you the strength to make it through you day .

please I beg of you to allow me the same priveledge

EM
« Last Edit: September 10, 2009, 06:19:40 PM by em »

Offline em

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  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2009, 04:34:59 PM »
Incase anyone might think  I was bit long winded and just slightly anouying and a tad bit over the edge as in to say crazy and sertifiable > as in need of being hosbitalized > I have been arested and sent to court the nt ojail then to a sych facility < were I now reside > truth hurts hu ?

normally I never write anything about my reel life on this websight I just for the most part blow smoke and write in circles  cause reel people would never have anything to do with someone like me me HIV or not >

after so many years  I wonder if my life was mine at all or if it was pushed down this road or I went down it on purpose just to add value to my exsistence

this is written from a sych word were I am being cept before being sent back to jail for speaking out agains unjust laws

civil disobedience is when an unjust law >

if a law is unjust it is your civil duty to disobey said law >

Martin luther king may have given his life to prove this and I am a mere shadow of what he stood for and am fallowing suit

if this is not to your liking then when I am dead you will have the right to your own thoughts

if you agree with what I am trying to stand for then that is all I ask

all my best

EM aka ( you will never find me cause you do not beleive in the same things I do )

 

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2009, 03:56:39 PM »
my case was saposed to be heard a couple days ago but the public defendent pushed for a few more days to organize his thoughts

so here  I stay thinking how alone I am just me myself and I against the world

EM

hope fully from my strugle future people being pushed around unjustly will have it better then I

lets here it for the great USA ???????????

I am in a sych ward per order of a judge

after being placed in prison

in the greatest country in the world at least that is what they say ?

I juat want my home back and my children and my wife to stop pushing me around and saying writting is somhow some way a threat to her

she thinks thestuff iwrite will some how some way cause reprucusions that will put her and the children in danger

she also said the pople of this web page just want me to come out wiht them so they can rape me ???

this is her delusion not mine >>

please she and my family say I need help

so here is my plea '

is there any help for stay home dad who is HIV + and only desires what is best for his children >

should I spend therest of my life in jail cause the legal system is slow and uncaring

she filled a no contact because she felt threatened by what I wirte

I broke this no contact cause I missed the children

she changed the locks on my home and had me beaten up by the police for whom I never raised a hand to them or her

this is our legal system at work

tell me the truth for that is what I am doing to you

the total unvarnished truth of the past month

I see the people in charge of watching this web sight are now red I guess I am anger ing them by telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth incase the judge and lawyers and police some how some way get me to change my story to make it easier for them to live with


cause truth is subjective like beauti in the eye of the beholder or is truth what you make it or is truth waht it is

TRUTH

all my best

just some guy who if you see on the street would not even get a second look

EM

 I just want to go home
if I had one wish for a make a wish foundation type dream it would be to be home with my family and not be the target of my wifes anger and frustration >

asking to much I know but maybe holding on to a dream I will be able to sleep even while my world falls apart

I would write my reel name at this piont but what diference does it make others even HIV- people go through the same thing every day not everyone just most people have this problem

to bad nothing is going to over come this disaster in my life

just more disasters shall take there place

listening to don't let me go on the radio to bad my other half has made up her mind I have no value

the HIV well if did not have that I would have never gotten maried

that is my life as miserable as it is ; it is all I have

EM

« Last Edit: September 24, 2009, 03:32:29 PM by em »

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 99
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #11 on: September 28, 2009, 03:57:10 PM »
Not that anyone in a position of authority reads these

I am now homeless and with out anyone those who I had thought cared about me have moved on and left me as they say kicked to the curb

I have no idea what will happen my lawyer said the only thing he knows is things are going to change ?

whatever that meens I had thought I had it great untill my family dis owned me and my old family well I want nothing to do wit hthem and there " you need to get help !"

just saying that gets old quick well not that keeping my name secret is worth anything now I had done that to please my wife and our children ?

I will keep doing it out of respect for my children < my wife if it were just the two of us  Iwould give you her name and mine < but the children do not need undue atention >

even though some one in a song at one time mentioned a worly gig that i had thought might be the bio hazerd simble that gave me the strength to carry on even when death seemed to be breathing down my neck so much I was going to get  a towel to cetch deaths hot drowel that was running down my neck from being so close << just a discriptive essay on how close to seath I had been a few times

if you find a sexual inuendo in there you are truelly as sick as I once was ?? and well if  Ihad the right mind I would never post anything like this

not that my new life will be anything of worth I just hope some day to look back at this and feel better taht it wil never happen this way again < I hope and pray >

sorry if this is t olong and not what aanyone wants to read just wanted someone to know what was goin on

thank you for allowing me some place to place my thoughts and alowing me a free thought for a free spirit locked away >

thank you and sorry to take up your time

EM

incase you are curious my wife is negative our two children are negative and I am positive we have been together for twenty years the children are less then ten >

the round numbers are a close proximity to protect there identity <

me I m in a psych ward and am legally in trouble to say it politely ?

all my best and hope the rest of you are doing better then I

EM
« Last Edit: September 28, 2009, 04:03:33 PM by em »

Offline Robert

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  • Posts: 2,644
Re: what does this meen to you
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2009, 08:09:01 PM »
hi em.

life is hard, isn't it?  i really hope you're not homeless but I'm not sure if being in a psych ward is any better.  When I think of homelessness I think of livng on the street, without food and shelter.  I guess what you're saying is that home is family and they've taken that away from you which is really, really sad. 

Your children are so young.  I hope things get better for you and you can see your children.  Although you are in a time of need and distress and you can rely on support from us, there is nothing, nothing like family. 

My best to you.

robert

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