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Author Topic: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex  (Read 2230 times)

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Offline ichooselife4me

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My lover for the last two years has been positive for 9 years. Since our relationship began, he's always had an undetectable viral load status. However, my concern is lately, he wants to have unprotected sex and wants to release his load inside me.  This has caused a major problem in our relationship. I tested HIV negative 7/06 and don't plan on surrendering to having unprotected sex with him. If need be, I'm prepared to walk away and call this relationship an experience and move on. My lover feelss that with an undetectable viral load, that tranmission of the virus is very little to none.  I on the other end bed to differ.  Please help!!!!

Offline ACinKC

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2006, 03:49:27 PM »
WALK NOW! NO... RUN.  Seriously, I couldn't IMAGINE, much less actually doing it, taking a chance with my fiances life.  You need to get out of that situation. 

Sounds like he is being selfish and that wont change.

Good luck.

Also, I think this could be moved to the Living With Forums.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline kentb

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2006, 03:59:28 PM »
I am very surprised that your partner who is positive, who has dealt with all the hassles of HIV would even ask you to consider the risk of screwing your life up this way.  The emotional toll of constantly wondering if you had or were about to seroconvert would be disastrous at best.  He needs to get some professional help.  So many things are going through my mind right now but most of all his viral load could become detectable at any moment.  Not only that but he is still infectious.  I just cannot help but believe your partner's heart is not in the right place.  Please reconsider the impact of him even asking the question.
warmest regards,

Kent
positive since 5-2000
edited to be less offensive with my language.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2006, 05:10:21 PM by kentb »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2006, 04:06:47 PM »
What two people decide to consensually do within the confines of a relationship is between the two of them. However, from what you wrote (from the mere FACT that you wrote this forum) it appears that you are being coerced into doing something you do not want to do.

Yes, transmission is impacted by viral load. However, viral load in the bloodstream can be drastically different than seminal viral load. And that level can change from day to day, hour to hour - EVEN while the blood-borne viral load remains consistently undetectable. Your partner's information is partially correct.... but partially not. And it is that incomplete information he is either ignorant of, or withholding from you. Either way, he is asking you to play Russian Roulette for the express purpose of his pleasure - and the thrill of potentially infecting you.

HIV is no picnic. And it will not go away when your relationship ends (and from what you wrote, that seems to be imminent).  It's a chronic, ultimately terminal illness that carries an incredible negative stigma. It's a relentlessly expensive illness to treat, and poverty - abject, permanent poverty- is not uncommon.

The medications used to treat it often deliver complications and long-term side effects as bad as the disease itself, from crippling neuropathy to permanent body changes that leave a person disfigured and in contant pain. And they average between one and five THOUSAND dollars a month to get. Even with GOOD insurance, its not uncommon to pay five hundred out of pocket each month ... and you can easily double that on the months when you have bloodwork and doctor's appointments.

You don't seem to really want HIV. YOu don't seem to want to be passed over for promotion because of the unrelenting fatigue (or because someone told someone about your status, and your perceived "risk" to the company). You don't seem to want to rely on charity or governmental support for the rest of your life. You don't seem to want to drown in your own infected phlegm, or be a 40 year old trying to get a Hover-Round because you can no longer walk.

And no one who loved you would EVER ask you to risk these things.

If you hate latex condoms, try the polyurethane ones. Or the "female" condoms the receptive partner wears. There are alternatives. A lifetime of sickness is unnecessary. And unlike many infected people, you have the opportunity to make that choice now, before it's too late.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Online Ann

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2006, 04:24:53 PM »
ichoose,

I am in total agreement with the others. Undetectable viral load does NOT equate with uninfectable viral load. Please be careful that he does not remove his condom in the middle of things. Don't allow him to take chances with your health.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2006, 03:54:33 AM »
Suggestion:

Buy a handgun, put 5 bullets in the 6 bullet chamber, spin the chamber, close it, then point the gun at your lover and ask if it's OK for you to pull the trigger.

If he says yes pull the trigger at least twice.

Boo

P.S.  The suggestion above is meant for rhetorical purposes only.  Do not try this at home or anywhere else.
String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline edfu

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  • Posts: 1,084
Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2006, 04:38:49 AM »
I'm so very, very sorry, but you need to walk away and end it.  What he is asking, or demanding, is simply unnegotiable and the sign of someone who does not truly love you.
"No one will ever be free so long as there are pestilences."--Albert Camus, "The Plague"

"Mankind can never be free until the last brick in the last church falls on the head of the last priest."--Voltaire

Offline ichooselife4me

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2006, 03:49:17 PM »
Thanks for all of your replies. I'm happy to report as of August 15th we are no longer a couple. I decided to pack his stuff and leave it on the front door, changed the locks and told him to seek professional help.  I have too much respect and love for myself to allow him to demand or dictate unprotected sex considering the situation.  LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My lover has an undetectable status and wants to have un protected sex
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2006, 03:54:36 PM »
Good for you. I'm glad you made the right decision.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 03:56:18 PM by RapidRod »

 


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