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Author Topic: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself  (Read 2952 times)

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Offline newbie05

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  • Posts: 23
Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« on: August 18, 2009, 11:11:07 PM »
I need some advise. I am HIV pos. and take care of myself in every way I am supposed to. The person I got the virus from has made the decision not to adhere to meds properly and it is finally taking a toll on his health and quality of life. How can I make the decision that I can only worry about myself and not take on his noncompliance issues? I try to constantly think that in this day of age, anyone who does not take full advantage of what's out there should not be such an emotional load for myself. He is wasting down to nothing and has type 1 diabetes to boot! How have some of you dealt with losing someone you dearly love, knowing that death is probably coming soon...yet still moving forward with yourself?

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2009, 07:20:07 AM »
Hi Newbie,

I moved your thread from the "Someone I Care About" forum to the Living forum because the SICA forum is for people who do not have hiv themselves.

I also have someone in my life who is hiv positive and doesn't take care of himself. I care about him deeply but there's nothing I can do. He has to make the decision himself, I can't force him. All I can do is be there for him. I occassionally tell him how much I'm going to miss him, but I don't do that too much because let's face it, it's emotional blackmail.

It's not easy to "let it go", but I have to for my own health. He's not the only person in my life I love - I need to be here for my daughter.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline newbie05

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Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2009, 07:32:57 AM »
Thank you, Ann. I needed to read your reply to start my day.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2009, 07:51:09 AM »
Newbie,

You're welcome. Feel free to PM me about this. It's not something I like to talk about a whole lot, but will do privately.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline redbull

  • Member
  • Posts: 73
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2009, 08:18:56 AM »
I am 99% sure I contracted hiv from my bf of 5 years.  when i found out my status 3 months ago he was the first one i told.  He still has NOT even been tested yet.  He says hes just worried about me and that if I have it he must have it to. 

I explained to him that I was worried about him also and that he needed to get tested and start getting treatment if need be due to the fact that my #'s are so bad.  If I got it from him then his probably are also and he is a ticking time bomb right now or OI's waiting to happen....but he wont listen.  He says he hasn't had time to get tested.....its been 3 months. 

He says hes scared....I told him he will end up in the hospital with something serious but he wont listen to me.  Hes the type to literally be dying in the bed before he goes to the dr.

I have to admit though the way he is handling this makes me wonder if he has known hes had it all along...but I guess thats not going to make a differnce for me at this point, since I already have it.

If you wish to see the best in others, show the best of yourself.

5/20/09  tested poz
6/2/09  CD4-94    VL-380,000
8/09   Allergic reaction to bactrim
9/09/09  started Atripla
5/10    cd4 315  vl undetectable
3/11    cd4 400  undetectable
6/11.   Cd4 520. Undetectable
12/11. Cd4 450. Undetectable
6/12.   Cd4 600. UD
2/13.   Cd4 425. UD

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2009, 08:38:55 AM »
He says hes scared....I told him he will end up in the hospital with something serious but he wont listen to me.  Hes the type to literally be dying in the bed before he goes to the dr.

I have to admit though the way he is handling this makes me wonder if he has known hes had it all along...but I guess thats not going to make a differnce for me at this point, since I already have it.


In my opinion, not negotiating and not finding an acceptable solution for something as serious as maybe having HIV and taking medicine when appropriate, all to make life more enjoyable and longer, etc. etc., - if he wont negotiate with you, and pleads fear and inertia as an excuse, this is passif aggressive behaviour to YOU. And self destructive behavior to himself.  BUt it is hurtful to YOU, remember.

Second point:  it does "make a difference" if he knew all along he was HIV and never informed you.  It doesn't change your HIV status, OK, thats for sure.  BUt it shows you what kind of man he is and how he handles himself in relationships.

You don't seem happy with the stutus quo.  (Which is, his total denial.)  So, what are the solutions to get things moving again in the right happy couple direction?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skeebo1969

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  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2009, 08:43:33 AM »
In my opinion, not negotiating and not finding an acceptable solution for something as serious as maybe having HIV and taking medicine when appropriate, all to make life more enjoyable and longer, etc. etc., - if he wont negotiate with you, and pleads fear and inertia as an excuse, this is passif aggressive behaviour to YOU. And self destructive behavior to himself.  BUt it is hurtful to YOU, remember.

Second point:  it does "make a difference" if he knew all along he was HIV and never informed you.  It doesn't change your HIV status, OK, thats for sure.  BUt it shows you what kind of man he is and how he handles himself in relationships.

You don't seem happy with the stutus quo.  (Which is, his total denial.)  So, what are the solutions to get things moving again in the right happy couple direction?

Damn redbull you didn't even have to pay a co-payment for that.......  Felt like I just walked into a therapist session all univited and sh%t.....
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Moffie65

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  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2009, 09:27:21 AM »
I need some advise. .................................... How can I make the decision that I can only worry about myself and not take on his noncompliance issues?

New;

It is admirable that you care so much for this person, which creates this quandry in your mind.  However, there is a reality in this life that is unmistakeable, and that is; we can only take care of our own lives.  I cannot tell you the number of members here that have caused me much grief and hopelessness, yet in the end, I cannot do a thing to help them to physically change their own existence.  Finally, we can only show them the way and if they follow, fine, otherwise we can only take care of ourselves, and trust that others will see and change.  Be there, but don't stress yourself out over something you really have no control over.


Tim
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline newbie05

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  • Posts: 23
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2009, 10:05:39 PM »
thank you to everyone who is getting me over this difficult time. Just reading your posts lifts me up.

Offline decayingsinner

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  • Posts: 274
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2009, 04:59:40 PM »
My boyfriend and I have a mutual friend that knows he has the virus, but absolutely refuses any care.  He has never been to the doctor once finding out.  Honestly, since my boyfriend and I have been dating, I have not talked to him because I just don't think it's right.  He's constantly depressed, drinking, using drugs, doing nothing with his life, and refuses professional care that is so accessible.  My life has made a positive change and I just can't surround myself with that.

Offline mattdude

  • Member
  • Posts: 28
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2009, 01:08:30 PM »
Hey,

I can absolutely identify.

My ex-bf tested poz about three weeks after I did. We don't know who gave it to whom ( I think we actually both contracted it separately). My first move was to cut out all the bad stuff from my life - smoking, drugs, over-drinking - and to really buckle-down and fight for my health.

I had a few false starts quitting smoking and quitting drugs (still working on the drugs part...:( ) but my intentions were in the right place and I feel I'm well on my way.

My ex, however, showed no such signs of slowing down. He still went out and partied. He would even have a chest cold and be hacking up phlegm while sucking back on a pack of Chinese cigarettes. It hurt me so badly to have to watch him hurt himself.

He even started meds without telling me. He lied about his CD4 count and told me it was 500, until I found Atripla in his top drawer and he told me he was actually 200 but just didn't want to worry me.

Even now, we still work together and I have to watch him go out for smoke breaks during the day, but the rule of karma is that of cause and effect. Suffering is inevitable when we make no efforts to prevent it. It's a hard enough rule to remember for our own lives, trying to relay that to others we care about.

My ex.ex. bf who actually gave me the virus refuses care as well. He lives in Thailand where there is decent access to treatment but says he's scared and would rather just "not know". I know that one day I'll have to face his death, and that is a tragedy that I'll have to endure.

But I will only ever live in my body, so that the vehicle I most have to worry about maintaining.

Offline ColtbearNJ

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  • Posts: 15
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2009, 03:04:54 PM »
This is one of the most frustrating situations that can occur when you care about or love someone very much, as is the case with 'Newbie' and others, and there are excellent replies and suggestions regarding what to do when someone doesn't take care of himself (in this case), as he should.  I think you can see the underlying current throughout this thread: "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Cliche, but absolutely true.  No matter how much you may want something (good) for someone else, especially in a potentially life-threatening situation, that person has to want it just as much, if not more, since it is his life now at stake.  Sometimes that is reason enough for him to care and especially to take remedial action, but also unfortunately in many cases, it is not.

I'm also sure that virtually all of us know a friend or loved one who has passed away by not wanting to take care of himself as much as he needed to or should have for a variety of reasons, but always with the same, tragic result - seemingly unnecessary to us.  If your friend's behavior becomes toxic to you, Newbie, you owe it to yourself to leave.  Sometimes situations like this can go on for years, and that's not an environment you need for you to become healthy and get back to living your life to the fullest.  That doesn't mean you don't have to care about him anymore - it simply means you care about your life, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  What's most important to remember is that you cared enough (and probably tried and did everything you could), but your friend or loved one has to care enough to use all resources available to him (including your advice), and take action as well, and when that doesn't happen, above all, remember, you are not to blame.


(Edited for punctuation)
« Last Edit: August 26, 2009, 03:27:42 PM by ColtbearNJ »

Offline newbie05

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  • Posts: 23
Re: Worrying about someone who doesn't worry about themself
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2009, 09:58:40 PM »
Thanks to you all. I read and reread your posts frequently. One who replies to someones thread never realizes the positive impact they may have on the person who wrote it. You all are my warm, cozy blanket right now that I feel safe and comfortable with! Thank you!!

 


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