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Author Topic: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop  (Read 41744 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« on: August 18, 2009, 10:15:23 AM »
I am 5 years poz, starting to have lipo, have pain issues in lower back,  do work form home, need the ins, just has good beneies.. have condo, could never afford it with out working,  would havve to sell and move to cheaper place..  he is neg... does not understand.. my number are good, but the constant dr appointments, and the lips is starting to get to me... I know disabilty will require lots of work and time to get there... is it better to plan for it or wait till you have a crisis and have to do it?   

I have these horrible feelings of the unknown.. should I move to a cheeper place,  give him the measly 20 to 30k i have saved and the equidity in the house so i can live on disabitly and get the programs I need for the rest of my life?   Or work forever till i die?     I know when I live in the day, and just appricete all i have it is best, but when i look in the mirror and see my body chagning and feel the issues I am starting to have and the guild for letting myself get this due to meth at age 37 it is all oever whelming.. I know my story is not different then most people on here.     the people who have been around for 20 years had no choice but to immediatly go on disabilty and get things in order... what do we do that got this in the 2000's?
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2009, 11:07:05 AM »
Its me again.  what is a case manager?  if you work and have good insurance tthat pays for your meds,  can you still get one to help you manage the future?   My partner does not understand all of this... I pay the bills and do the worring for both of us...  everything is fine but the uncertanty... I have tried looking at GMHC website but it is for nyc residence.. called callen lorde but they only help if you hiv dr is there.. i have a spec there.... my hiv dr is in manhattan but i live in NJ.. called thier number, got a referal to a local office and number was dis connected.. don't even know  who i was talking to.. I need to just stop all this worrinng. and live in the moment.. but what if somthing does happen,  shouldn't i know my options.   
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Giblarry

  • Member
  • Posts: 73
  • Desert AIDS Project - Ribbon Man - 2009 Walk logo
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2009, 11:55:22 AM »
Hey One. 

A case manager is someone who manages the various aspects of living with your HIV.  If you are associated with an ASO, you should have one. 

Seems to me, the first thing you need to do is get your partner's blindspot to your condition fixed.  Have you brought him with you to the doctor?  Does he go to updates on HIV with you?  Have you given him literature?  Is there a mixed couple HIV support group available and would he go?  While you two are, in some ways in disconnect, would be, in my opinion, a bad time to do things like rearranging real estate.  I've witnessed such situations get very messy. 

You feel as though you're caught between a rock and a hard place.  When we feel that way is a good time to re-examine our priorities.  Take a good hard, cold look at who and where you are, who and where you want to be, and what it will take to merge them. 

HIV or not, you are alive.  Your life is yours to live.  Live it, but be careful until you've navigated this tough place.  Nothing stays the same.  All passes so, ride the wave because this is the only shot you have. 

Good luck,
Gib

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,023
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2009, 01:28:59 PM »
Personally I wouldn't go on disability unless I didn't have a choice. I don't know you but from your post you sound more depressed than physically disabled. Are you getting any counseling? If you feel like you can't work anymore then take the steps you need to to take care of yourself. Just remember that not working is not going to make the doctors appointments, lipo and back pain go away. You will be trading the stress of working with the stress of not working.

Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2009, 03:11:20 PM »
Maybe it would help to talk to a counselor in person who can help you find the right services -- financial or otherwise?

The largest NJ ASO is Hyacinth. 
http://www.hyacinth.org/hyacinth/home/

Their phone number/ Hotline 1(800) 433-0254
 
They have case management services in some offices and say they refer other places as well.

Not used them personally (I'm on the other side of the state) but have heard they can be helpful.

Best wishes
A
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline BlueMoon

  • Member
  • Posts: 665
  • Calling from the Fun House
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2009, 06:22:57 PM »
I'm "makin' hay while the sun shines", but every day I think about throwing in the towel.  I doubt I'd qualify for disability anyway.  I'd have to take a less-strenuous job which likely would pay half what I make now, at best.  And I qualify for ADAP assistance as it is. 

So I grind it out, because once I stop there's no going back.  I guess you just have to go until you can't go anymore.  Definitely get on that ASO.  You may qualify for some type of assistance.

...................VL.....CD4.....%
-----------------------------------------
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,671
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2009, 06:45:48 PM »
I am a little ignorant and pretty new to HIV so forgive me if I ask anything naive.
Why are you even getting lipo? Has your ID offerred any possible solutions to slow it down, or is it just "tough luck".
Also, are you too tired to work, or is it the emotional/social/pyschological burden of the lipo and having HIV.  Why "constant" Dr.'s appts?  Is your health failing in some everyday way?
Also, it sounds like you kinda want to break up with your BF.  Give him your savings and retreat. 

Seems to me there is a lot of unspoken, unexamined issued in your post, not to mention unsaid to the readers here. Maybe you can get a social worker or shrink and work these out, even better with your BF, if you love him deeply.

ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,681
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2009, 07:08:26 PM »
Hey ONE  :) ,
                       I hope you are feeling better .

 You need to EASE  into your new life !

 It SOUNDS  like you are the money maker ?

 I hope you know there is NO reason to loose your home !

 Bob and I have a fine home . SSDI  does NOT  require you to be  indigent  or homeless !

 Please  find a CASE MANAGER  at your HEATH DEPARTMENT !

 Life is hard , but please find  help to make yours easier !

  Possibly counseling with your sig. other may help ?

                                          keep us informed  :-*

                                                                 Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2009, 07:51:41 PM »
oh you guys are all great.. You call got great points and really hit home.. Most of what you siad is stuff I know... ur right there is alot of stuff i didn't include but most is just stupid thinking too much as my partners says.. we both make the money =  neither of us could do it with out the other.... I am fine now.. but as my body is starting to show singns of the MEDS, and just plain old age,  these things are hitting me.. I don't know why this week they did...  they do from time to time and I just go back to living and working and not thinking about it and all is good until i come to this place where I need to think about the future or lack there of... my partner and I have 2 major issues we live with.. My HIV and his immigration status...its complicated.. eveything is in my name for the previous reason...somtimes my stupid thinking thinks he would be better off with a bf that does not have this, and I wouldn't have to deal with worring that the country we have spent 9 years togeter in and I am  born to,, does not care about us, and would just rather seperate us then allow us to live togeter in peace legally... my job is good... my boss knows,, I am liked at work... but I do need some counceling.. i know.... what is an ASO, I did talk to the NJ Hyacinth today.. we are playing phone tag,... one of you asked me why i have lipo... i don't know.. I think from my atripla... my health is not failing but hiv requires blood work, 3 months, back pain,, montly appiontments,  HPV.. 3 months, dental 3 months,  on and on and on.. u guys are the best.. thanks for listening and posting to me.. I really needed the support..  I get inspiration everything i am on here.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline SoSadTooBad

  • Member
  • Posts: 248
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2009, 10:54:29 PM »
onemoretime...  as GSO suggested, you may want to consider the possibility of depression.  given that you have a condo, a job, health insurance and are in a relationship, it would seem that there is a whole lot going right.  easier for someone else to point that out, I know, but I would see about some professional assistance before you make life altering decisions.  best of luck to you.

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,681
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2009, 11:18:00 PM »
Hey  one more time  :) ,
           The whole point of this web site IS for people  to let it all out .

          And sit back and see what's  going to happen .

          There is some GREAT  advice from a lot of these guys  here .
 
          I hope  all  is going well !

            I have often felt the same as you do .

            I utilize  support groups from all over S.E. Missouri , I find it really helps me  :)

                                                    be good ,
                                                    be happy ,  Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2009, 05:45:54 AM »
onemoretime...  as GSO suggested, you may want to consider the possibility of depression.  given that you have a condo, a job, health insurance and are in a relationship, it would seem that there is a whole lot going right.  easier for someone else to point that out, I know, but I would see about some professional assistance before you make life altering decisions.  best of luck to you.

I do have alot of great things going for me.. that is true.. i am the planner and the one that pays the bills, deals with the beurocoracy (sp)  I try to make sure he is ok and well as me..   I am just worried if I am having this skelital look around my eyes and side of my face with the vien showing now, and my wrists look like whitneys,  what am i going to look like in a few years..  I am glad to learn you don't have to loose the house to qualify for ssdi if I ever do need that, but you need to have nothing for med assistance and such.  I think I have 20k in 401k left and another 20 in savings and equidy in my 5 year old condo, next to manhattan in Jersey.  so alot is good.  I am getting weaker and my back hurts dailiy.. i think these things are driving this panic attack since yesterday....LOL  then i am looking in the miror and freeking out at what I see in my face.. I just have to stop and live!!!!     I know...
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,023
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2009, 08:45:25 AM »
Have you considered facial fillers to make you feel better about your appearance? It worked for me.

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,082
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2009, 09:43:53 AM »
I find it very odd that this OP is describing lipo traits more in line with a grade four diagnosis but his doctor says he doesn't have any lipo.  ( the doctor bit can be found here in his other thread).

I also think everyone in both threads is skirting around the meth issue, including the OP.  It's admittedly difficult to ascertain the degree of the drug problem, but when most people admit to it they often won't admit to the actual severity, and habitual meth use can cause a lot of up and down weight issues obviously.

Anyway, I think if we start sending this poster to get facial fillers without considering these other items we're doing him a bit of disservice.  Please be sure to read his other thread for the entire picture.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,023
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2009, 10:43:56 AM »
Sorry, I somehow missed the meth part.

Offline dixieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 889
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2009, 02:39:06 PM »
I think you need to get some counseling... also the lipo is a far fetch with Atripila? unfortunately disability  SSDI would be the last option I would do... plus your not nor have youve been considered to have aids... it takes many factors to be able to recieve ssdi but, you may have disability through your employer... if you have insurance with your employer do not give it up... keep working as long as possible... its good to checkout, what ifs, plan for the future but, disability would be the last resort I would possibly go...

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2009, 06:46:22 PM »
I got ya felicia,  meth is how i got infected.. I don't use meth anymore really.. i diss like it.  i use my paid meds and a bendo here and there..  the face issues is not the indent in the checks that the fillers work for,  its also not that bad.  its just the temples and eye area. started last year..  i know about the drug issues Felicia,  I went to rehab 14 years ago for being a drunk. was clean for 4 years, running lifting, still neg.. then came the circuit party sence in miami for a 2 year period.. x,k,g,m.. i phased out of all of it except for weekend meth for about 5 years.. that got me hiv.  now i do don't do that much at all.. I am very open  and truthfull.. when i say not much at all i mean 1 day every 2 to 3 months at this point.  Not the 2 days a week (fri sat ) that i was doing for 5 years a few years ago.. i am slowing down.   I know the diff between skinny drug use and lipo, unfortunatly.  my eye lids have disapeard and i have indentations on the side of my head and i see veigns.    being skinny from Meth weekends did not do any of that.. also my regular Dr told me today,  I have lipo wrists and sholder and back.   and he said my face is showing facial wasting from the virus.  Mild but its happening.  thanks for carring and reading all my posts.   I talked with a ASO and got a refearl for a local case managment person.  i am feeling better today.. I aggree  i want to work for a long time.. but i can't deny or wish away the changes happening in my body..  I do fight my addiction every day of my life... and I am happy that I am growing sick of it naturally beucase anyone who deals with it, knows its hard to controll it.  i did 35 days IP 14 years ago.. i go to aa,  I did OP last year for 3 months.. I am very well education on addiction.    On these facial fillers.. they dont work for the temples do they?  arn't they more for the sunken cheeks?  

again thanks you guys... interesting thing today. the counceler i spoke with read my posts and said after i told him i got some suppoet on here said he read a similar case on here, and i told him its me.. it was great.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2009, 06:52:55 PM by onemoretime »
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2009, 06:52:21 PM »
I think you need to get some counseling... also the lipo is a far fetch with Atripila? unfortunately disability  SSDI would be the last option I would do... plus your not nor have youve been considered to have aids... it takes many factors to be able to recieve ssdi but, you may have disability through your employer... if you have insurance with your employer do not give it up... keep working as long as possible... its good to checkout, what ifs, plan for the future but, disability would be the last resort I would possibly go...
everyone says far fetch on atripla.. not true. read the new study just realsed saying sustiva is causing lipo,  they also don't know if the meds cause lipo in all people or some of us the virus is doing it.  i read this recently from an emaail i got from this website...  You all are more educated on all this then me. but i do read... LOL  i can't spell worth a shix  but I am intelegent and stay on top of things.  I wish i wasn't seeing the things i am seeing but I am. and my DR is too.   what is the OP?  Felecia?
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2009, 07:26:05 PM »
By your own admission you still have a meth addiction, so please stop trying to blame lipo for how you think you look.  I find it really insulting to those of us who actually have lipo after decades of toxic meds and how you think you can have it in a couple of years is just plain foolish.  What you need to do is to detox and then go through some counseling to understand why you need an addiction to face your infection.  I have been where you are and I guarantee that if you don't do something now to kill your addiction, you may never have a second chance.

Stop kidding yourself, you need help and you need it now.

Offline onemoretime

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2009, 08:52:58 PM »
I don't mean to instul you and your years does not take way from my years.. sorry i was not infected 20 years ago..... I thought this was a support group for people living wiht HIV.   My Dr just today said i have lipo....   and slitght facial wasting.. I also have a belley.. if i was not eating, that would not be so.   If you feel that this site is only for you 20 year poz people, then I will excuse myself.

I am not denying i must always work on my addiction.. its people like you that make it difficult to even admit you have other issues.. excuse me for my honesty.  

best of luck to you.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2009, 09:08:39 PM by onemoretime »
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2009, 08:57:48 PM »
I have been through councelin.. Like i said in my addiction post.. i mentioned that I have been to rehap for 35 days 15years ago. i was honest about my use and time away.... what ever dude..  i don't need to explain myself to you...... If you are affended then stop reading my post.   Or i will just stop posting period.   this is not an NA site this is an HIV support site.

I have an addiction site that I work on.  You really pissed me off with your comment.   who the hell are you to tell me i have no right to express my feelings of what may or may not be going on with my hiv infection. 
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2009, 09:07:33 PM »
To everyone else you have really really helped me with a difficult time and i am getting my self back in order.. I feel great that i met with a great ASO person who read my posts and referred me to a case manager..  I also talked to my DR and asked him what he thought was it just old age or was it possibly lipoo,,  he looked at my shoulders and back and saw the indentations in my shoulders and back and said this is lipo.   so im not a Dr , but my Dr said it is.  Now I am coming to terms with that fact that my body will change but I can come to terms with it,,  at least i Will be alive. 

I too watched my friends in my 20 drop dead and i visit them in the hospital and watched them die,  some of them were my age at the time 24 and some were 35.. You think i don't beat myself up for letting this happen to myself..    Addiction is no pic nic.. and i have been fighting it for year.. with much success.. No one but myself can decide how I am doing with that.. I fuck up once in while,but like i said most of the time i am off the meth.  I take my pain meds as perscribed for my back and not daily because i don't want to go thru addiction to that again.. 

If this is an attack site then I choose not to use it.  but most of the wonderfull people I talked to on here have been very supportive.. and I really appreciate that.  I have blocked the person whom i offended for discussing my feelings of what i see in the mirror.    Hope i can help anyone who may be going through the same issues i am, with out being attacked by some hardcore hiv'r who does not believe i am worthy of the support because i did some meth in the past.

Peace out
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2009, 10:05:48 PM »
sorry i was not infected 20 years ago..

You're starting to get me really confused here.  In some other post you said you were infected in 2004.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2009, 10:09:43 PM »
I'm sorry if you took offense to my comments, but sometimes you need to hear the truth from others.  I am not belittling what you are going through, on the contrary I understand your situation and that is what scares me.  First you say you have no addiction, then a little one and now you say you have none.  So which is it?  My point here is maybe to help you see that you are not as in control as you think you are and if you need some help, then that is what you need.

I battle with depression and at one time with addictions, but it was not until I became totally sober that I was able to really see who and what I was and then change what I did not like.  Part of support often involves telling someone something they don't want to hear.  I stated my opinion, but please do not take that to mean I am condemning you or your issues.  Far from it, I was only trying to help.

Offline onemoretime

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2009, 10:24:54 PM »
i was infected in 2004, 5 years ago.. I am saying that i saw people die in my 20 while i was negitive and gay.. my friends were dying 20 years ago.  where are you confused dear?
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #25 on: August 19, 2009, 10:28:52 PM »
By your own admission you still have a meth addiction, so please stop trying to blame lipo for how you think you look.  I find it really insulting to those of us who actually have lipo after decades of toxic meds and how you think you can have it in a couple of years is just plain foolish.  What you need to do is to detox and then go through some counseling to understand why you need an addiction to face your infection.  I have been where you are and I guarantee that if you don't do something now to kill your addiction, you may never have a second chance.

Stop kidding yourself, you need help and you need it now.
felecial.  i clicked on ignor with tihs post. does that mean you can not see it.. i was offened by this guy.. and i clicked on ignor nim... i unclicked it so you can see what i was talking about. sorry for the confusion.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #26 on: August 19, 2009, 10:33:45 PM »
i was infected in 2004, 5 years ago.. I am saying that i saw people die in my 20 while i was negitive and gay.. my friends were dying 20 years ago.  where are you confused dear?

I'm sorry, I now see you used the word "not" in the part I quoted -- I guess my eyes were moving too quickly.  Or maybe my brain was moving too slowly.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline onemoretime

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2009, 10:40:25 PM »
I have not denied my figght with addiction for the past 20 years..  I went to rehab for 35 days.. got off boose, read my post on the addiciton thread..  was sober for about 4 years. running lifiting weights,  then got into X, K and G the circuit drugs in south florida.. got out of controll..  stopped,  then moved to nyc and got into the meth scene.. that landed me hiv.. and i used the principles i learned in 6 months of intesnive outpaitent rehab 3 months before IP (35 days in a state of ny funded rehab) and 3 months after discharge.. that started my 4 years of sobriety.... it was a great time..   then i fucked up and got into th circuit drugs,   like i just said, that lead to Meth, moved to nyc  and did it for 5 years every single fri and sat and occassionally a few more days.... got hiv.... have gotten sick of that horrible life and have moved away.. went back to outpaitient rehab last dec in hoboken nj and did 3 months oP and have been maintaining the desire to be clean. but if you know addiction it is not always that simple  you fuck up.. and I do fuck up.  so as far as getting counceling I have never had a problem doing that when i need.  none of it has ever been court mandated. I do it when I am falling too deep and can't stand it and want out   but it does come back somtimes.. add into this horrible equasion is the back pain that is real.. and so i have to work closely wiht my Dr to not let myelf get into  that pain med addiction but also not suffer in paid.... I know live is hard. but i am honest.  Yes i am an addict, I always will be but i am constantly in treatment and fighthingit.  u get what I am saying?  i have no denial and I don't have to defend my addiction.. I chose to share it becuase it is part of my hiv.. and this was an open admisstion on a addiction and hiv thread that i openly posted to.

I hope this has cleard it up.. but again.. my hiv panic that I had this week and fear of changes in the miror is what i am dealing iwth now.     to be honest i think alot of people have similar issues but don't bring up the drugs for this reason becuase they get attaced.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Joe K

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #28 on: August 19, 2009, 11:05:24 PM »
If you have an issue with me, you can say it right here, rather than sending me a PM whining that my comments were mean to you.  My comments were my OPINION and nothing more and I am as entitled to mine as you are to yours.  The difference here is that I can move past this, as I have faced my demons, but have you faced yours? You are having a really tough time now and for me to suggest that you might need some help is not attacking you. What do I have to gain from attacking anyone?  Instead, I feel your pain and I understand your panic attacks and I am telling you that if you don't like parts of your life, then stop complaining about them and do something.

This is one battle that you already know is difficult and there is more support here than you can ever imagine, but support goes both ways. I wish you luck in whatever you decide and if I can ever help you, let me know.

Offline onemoretime

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2009, 11:27:17 PM »
all right i am sure you are right.. but you seemed to say that becuase i have not been on toxic meds for 20 years i should not complain about lipo. that was not just expressing an opionion but more of a judgement the way i saw it.  but i will just drop it. because i am an easy going person and i think i have been very open with everyting i am going thru.  Your commest were not supportive in my opionion and that is just my opion.. your entitled to yours.  Your quote is here........
By your own admission you still have a meth addiction, so please stop trying to blame lipo for how you think you look.  I find it really insulting to those of us who actually have lipo after decades of toxic meds and how you think you can have it in a couple of years is just plain foolish>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  this was not accurate or How do you know what is cuasing the way i look?      How do you know a couple of years have not effected me diff then possbily others..  from what i understand HIV and the meds effect everyone diff.  correct meif i am wrong, maybe your are an MD so excuse me, but i was expressing how i feel.  and you were telling me how i should feel and that I was wrong in what i was feeling.

so i am just going to end it here. beucase i am not confrontational..   thanks for your support and concern
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 3,660
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #30 on: August 19, 2009, 11:38:03 PM »
The point is not whether I am right, but how we can help you to feel better about yourself and your issues. My comment about the Lipo was geared more to your doctor, because what tests has he run to rule out the other causes of some of your symptoms. For him to just say "presto" you have Lipo, sounds very strange to me.  If he was my doctor I would be asking for verification of what he was diagnosing and not just assume what he says is correct. You also face a real fear in that maybe you don't remember what true sobriety is like and you are afraid that you may not be able to bear being poz while sober. Again, a very understandable and reasonable fear, but ignoring it will not make it go away.

Only you know why you came here and shared part of your life, but I imagine it was to find someone who could understand what you were experiencing. Many of us here empathize with you completely and we want to help, but at some point you need to face the real truth and I don't think you are ready to do that yet. All I can offer is that you seek whatever help you think you need. We cannot tell you what is right for you, but as I read your words, parts of my life flash by and one of those addictions came very close to killing me. I'm sorry we started off wrong, but you need to consider what I am saying, because you obviously don't like living how you are now. You do not have to settle for living a fractured life and I urge you to do what is necessary to make you feel safe again.

Offline onemoretime

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #31 on: August 20, 2009, 12:00:11 AM »
dam it, I wrote to you for 15 min and lost it all,   what i was tryin to say, was i don't know what test my dr needs to run.. my hiv dr like you says atripla is not a big liop med. but what i see happening to me is my veins are popping along the side of my head,  it is sunken,  my eye brows are falling down over my eye lids and i appear skulital slighly..  My regular dr, who i see monlty for 3 years things its facial wasting from the virus or the meds.    he thinks the pits in my sholders and back is lipo.  I am not talking the kind of lipo you get in the cheeks with the holes but i am getting the other milder stuff.  and it is hard to deal with... i also eat lean and ride the bike, but have a belly develping.

what test am i susposed to have ?   My hiv dr is not concerned becuase my numbers are good...  i don't drink and like i said i am not on drugs most of the time.   I work full time and have a credit score of 800//  i am repsoncible and plan things.. so I odn' know what the proplem is all i was saying is i am expierancing things that scare me...   

08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #32 on: August 20, 2009, 12:08:42 AM »
dude i gesus we got over the miss understanding. I am sorry you almost died from meth.. (or whatever addicion you are talking about) but thuth is you said i am living an unhappy life or somtihing or unsafe... noting offensive. i jjust don't rember your quote,but i am living a wonderful life actually.. its the uncertainty that is  hard for me.. becuase i don't know how to plan.. i don't know if i can work for the next 20 years.. to age 62.. if i could i would be in great shap for retirement.. becuase i have no debt and my 500k condo only has 180k bal.. so 15 years from now or sooner it will be paid. and  I will have a good 401k , but with my hiv i have no idea if iwill be working 5 or 10 or 2 years. that is what is really bothering me.. and my bf is not legal and so that could be ripped away from me anytime.. there are alotof stresses besides the hiv that I live iwth..   i am not a meth addict like you are thinking, I don't smoke and i don't do it much.. i don't even like doingit anymore.  but once in a while i screw up..  i don't want to go back to this conversation...  but what about life planning.. how do i do that?
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Joe K

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Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #33 on: August 20, 2009, 12:24:53 AM »
I understand you are scared and what I am suggesting is you ask your doctor what exactly is going on. There are many things that could be wrong and if it were me, I would want to know. I hate what I see in the mirror, but I know why I look the way I do, but I'm not sure that you do. You sound like you have a good relationship with your doctor, so share these fears with him. Ask him exactly what he thinks is happening and if there is anything that you may be able to change to minimize the damage. You can't help yourself if you don't know what you are dealing with and for him to suggest that you just have to deal with it, without exploring other possibilities, seems out of line with the kind of doctor you describe him to be.

I've been poz for 25 years and the one thing that keeps me alive, is I rarely believe what anyone tells me, unless they have done the background work. Have you had a Body Mass Index (BMI) done? That can help to identify your body composition and you say you are lean and exercise, but maybe you are not drinking enough fluids. If I go for a few days without drinking enough water, my veins will bulge and my eyes will appear sunken, but after a day or so of fluids, it goes away.

All I am suggesting is that knowledge is power and if you are concerned about your appearance, or anything, then insist that your doctor give you answers that make sense to you. I suspect that much of your fear is because you don't know what is happening and fear of the unknown is perfectly normal. So stop fearing the unknown and ask your doctor to explain to you exactly what he thinks is happening. Ask questions and don't leave till you get some answers.

As I was going to post, I read your latest response and I don't think you are any kind of addict, I simply referred to your own admission of addiction as a possible source of some of your fears. Everything you are saying are totally normal fears. We all have them, but in the end, only we can deal with them. All I ask of you is that you do whatever you need to feel better about yourself. I am here to support you, not to judge you, but I have faced many of your same demons and maybe something I have offered will provide some comfort to you.

edited to add: Might I also suggest that you stop degrading yourself as a screw up, because you, my friend are far from that. It takes real strength to ask others for help and just because you need some help with some personal issues, does not make you a screw up... it makes you human. I am now living the fears you have in that when I tested poz, I never expected to live to be 40 let alone 55. I'm supposed to be dead, but I'm not and I'm not worrying about what happens tomorrow, because then I miss all my today's. You have done some great planning and rather than worrying about the future, try and identify a couple things, that you can do something about now, so you don't feel so hopeless. It is so easy for us to become consumed in fear of the future, but nobody can live a life of fear.

I think you have taken a huge step here and I hope you feel proud of yourself, because you are facing your true fears, head on and at times that is all we can do. Try and find some balance and part of that comes from accepting that there are many things which we cannot control, so why worry about them. You are young and in love and while planning for a secure future is good, it is the journey of life that brings the real joy. Just be careful that your fear does not blind you to how blessed you truly are.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2009, 12:41:48 AM by killfoile »

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #34 on: August 20, 2009, 01:07:27 AM »
thanks,  my regailar dr is the the one he thinks its lipo, he is the one i saw today.. my hiv dr is ot concerned beucase he obvoulsy has seen real bad liop in his 25 years of treating hiv..  I will ask him about the tests.  he does not want to concern me witht he early stuff i think. I have good realationship with both.... One says don't worry, other i asked for his opion knowing he is not an expert,  he said he sees things that are consistant with liop and facial wasting.   

on the addict think.. I am NOT saying I am not an addict.. I really am.. but what I am saying is i treat it..  I don't let mysefl get into active addiction.  but dude i promise you i am addictive in my peronality for sure.. but i treat it. witih counseling, groups, inpaitient, outpaitnt and AA as well as the love of my partner, to motivate me to be good... u get me?    YOur cool. I readh your post a few days ago about not being dead so now what.. It broght me back..  I see my HIV doc next month.. I will probe him on this facial thing and arm thing and sholder thing for more awnsers..  thanks..  PS  i been to montreal.. went to black and blue in 2000 i think.  LOL   night brother
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #35 on: August 20, 2009, 03:17:11 AM »



  Onemoretime,

    I understand the uncertainty you feel.  Went through that after I was diagnosed.  Of course a lot of it was my ignorance towards the virus and most of all how the hell I was going to get medications to treat it.  I was under the impression at the time that if I had no insurance I was up shits creek without a paddle. 

   I learned a lot here on the forums.  Even had a legthy phone conversation with the gentleman you are having your discussion with about the issues you are having to deal with in this very thread.  You will find that some here will reach out to you sincerely but it may not always be put in the way we want to hear it.  It's going to take work on your part and from what I see with a little patience and time you will get things together.

   Like you, the uncertainty of it all was really the overwhelming aspect of it all.  Had a three year old daughter that i just knew I would not see graduate high school.  Figured retirement would be out of the question because I would never reach that age in my then condition.  Coming here, reading others experiences, realizing it was not to be taken lightly but also something that should not consume my every waking moment.....  caused me to become more confortable with myself and the situation I was in.  During this whole time I had a lot of other needless stuff going on from nearly losing my house to foreclosure and having my wife of 10 years walk out the door....  I tell you those were some dark  days and.....  well to be honest I don't know exactly how I got out of that funk, but I do know that I cried a lot on the phone to a few members here from the forums who knew what i was going through.

   After I was diagnosed everything pretty much got thrown out the proverbial window because I was in give up mode.  Even got Baker Acted and placed under 72 hour observation because I was wallowing in my shit.

   It took time... and it is still an on going process.  Today I have plans for what I want out of my future and I know I will see my daughter graduate along with the new member to my family who is going to be two in September. 

   It's tough man, I know trust me.  When I was diagnosed I was battling alcoholism and of course you can imagine that just magnified the problem.  My advice to you is to keep on sharing, but most of all listen with an open mind to what others are telling you because their experiences are lessons and those lessons are valuable.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline onemoretime

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #36 on: August 20, 2009, 09:18:21 AM »
thanks dude, i completly agree,  I just didn't like being told i was obsurd to think had lipo on my meds and was puttting other down for it.    You read it .  we moved past that now
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #37 on: August 28, 2009, 12:00:24 PM »
Hey kids,   how you doing.. Its a rainy day in NJ.. working from home.  I went camping last weekend saw alot of old friends that i have known for 15 years..  Its really the only place i have long term friends, the rest are spread out around the country... i always get sad everytime i come back from the  gay campground i have "rown up in"  i have a seasonal pass, and an old trailer, my partner goes every weekend, but i just don't feel like going every weekend..  but maybe I will a few more times this year... i really appricate everyone's posts.   it is clear we all go thru the same stuff here.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #38 on: August 28, 2009, 01:59:31 PM »
Hey kids,   how you doing.. Its a rainy day in NJ.. working from home.  I went camping last weekend saw alot of old friends that i have known for 15 years..  Its really the only place i have long term friends, the rest are spread out around the country... i always get sad everytime i come back from the  gay campground i have "rown up in"  i have a seasonal pass, and an old trailer, my partner goes every weekend, but i just don't feel like going every weekend..  but maybe I will a few more times this year... i really appricate everyone's posts.   it is clear we all go thru the same stuff here.

We also go to a gay campground... it's one of my favorite places to be.  We go about once a month or so; I wish we could go more, but it's quite a way from home.  Labor Day weekend is officially the end of summer for camping, but we'll go throughout the winter.  Having a trailer makes it all easier (we leave ours there as well).  Next weekend, we'll be camping.  Yea!   ;D
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline dixieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 889
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #39 on: August 28, 2009, 02:02:56 PM »
Hey, I was reading your post... I hope all is well with you... looking at your numbers for your cd4 count... an aids diagnosis you have to have below 200 cd4s... also you have to have many other factors to recieve ssdi... keep a journal... document...document and document... unfortunately your many years away from even applying for ssdi... plus it takes years and a good lawyer and your doctor to get an approval... I had a friend who was most deserving... he had full blown aids ... he waited for 2 years for an approval and was dead before he was awarded any disability... at one time an hiv+ (positive) diagnosis was an immediate approval for ssdi but, not anymore... wishing you the best...

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #40 on: August 28, 2009, 02:56:23 PM »
thanks Dixie,  I figured that.     I need to make a dr appointment and talk to him about the issues I am having with my face and belly and am waiting for the case manager to give me a call.  I really don't know why i am sad these days it has been 5 years and i have been ok with this... i don't know why i am turning into such a baby now... I  just don't get it.  I am going to go ride the bike at the gym that allways makes me feel better,  I want to go camping this weekend, but I have to do a 2 hour work event so I will stay here and go next weekend.. I think. 
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #41 on: August 29, 2009, 12:54:36 PM »
hey everyone.  I went to the gym today,  did my 20 min on the bike and 30 min of lite lifting.  I feel much better.   
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Dale Parker

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #42 on: August 29, 2009, 03:49:01 PM »
I would say keep working as long as you can.  This week has been really bad for me emotionally and I feel that if I had been working and supporting myself it would have been a lot better.  I don't want to take away from your post so I wrote a separate one called "Having a crappy week"
  Since I was diagnosed with aids after I was laid off the acceptance of not working and living off government handouts is much more difficult financially and emotionally than you would think.
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #43 on: September 01, 2009, 06:37:46 PM »
update on me.. I had a meeting with a shrink md today,  she was wonderful,  I am going Thursday for the talk therapy 45 min appointments.    the MD put me on paxil 20mg for the anxiety issues i am having.  I got a letter from the ASO today, with the business card to my case manager.  I will make an appointment to see her next week..   I feel alot better..    thanks everyone for the support. I feel i have made some nice friends on here and my perspective is coming back to normal.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,082
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #44 on: September 01, 2009, 07:04:30 PM »
I'm happy to see you being so very pro-active in such a short amount of time with these issues.  Benefits from talk therapy are not instant, so be sure to stick with it for at least a year before rendering judgement, IMO.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #45 on: September 02, 2009, 01:18:35 AM »
Thank you miss Philicia,

I have allways tried to seek help when i need it.  I really did feel like my train de railed a few weeks ago and had no idea why,  I am glad I was able to reach out to this site for the inspiration, advice, understanding and support.  Oh what did we do before we had laptops?  LOL

thanks again to all
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #46 on: September 05, 2009, 12:27:28 AM »
Hey guys,

the last week was pretty roller coaster.. ups and downs.. i had a great meeting with the theripist on thursday.  she said i have panic dis orders.  the dr put me on paxil.   I fell asleap at a meeting at work, but when I told my boss i was just put on a new med and it casued this, she told me no one even noticed.    I am glad i have the theripist to work thru some of the issues.   this site is so helpfull.
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline debsd222

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #47 on: October 03, 2009, 11:46:02 AM »
Quote
... looking at your numbers for your cd4 count... an aids diagnosis you have to have below 200 cd4s...
My original Cd4 count was 200. That, with some other OI's gave me an AIDS diagnosis. The Docs and Social workers have told me that even wh my numbers improve, the AIDS diagnosis will be with me for life. Have you heard this before?
April 08 3 month bout w/ shingles, ongoing nerve pain
Dec 08 pos  cd4 200 %8  VL 18,000
Feb 09 started sustiva, truvada -allergic to sustiva, hospital 4 days.
March 09 started truvada, reyataz and norvir
March 09  cd4 279  % 12 VL 10,000
April 09 cd4 327  %12  VL 300
Aug 09 cd4 392  %16  Vl undetectable
Dec 09 hospital pneumonia 6 days
Dec 09 cd4 462  %20  VL undetectable
Mar 10 cd4 629 27% VL undetectable
July 9, 2010 cd4 505  21% VL undetectable
Oct 2010 cd4 689  22%  VL 64
Nov 2010  cd4689  22%  VL  UD
May 2013 cd4 759. 29%. VL. UD

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,082
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #48 on: October 03, 2009, 01:01:57 PM »
My original Cd4 count was 200. That, with some other OI's gave me an AIDS diagnosis. The Docs and Social workers have told me that even wh my numbers improve, the AIDS diagnosis will be with me for life. Have you heard this before?

It's just a statistical issue -- don't let the label annoy you.  I was diagnosed with similar numbers 16 years ago, and I've now had consistent cd4 counts of ~1200 for the past 2.5 years.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline HOTDAD4YGR

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Work or don't work? BF never wants me to stop
« Reply #49 on: October 24, 2009, 12:37:59 PM »
Hi:

   I have been HIV+ for 25 years, you would never know it. I take care of myself and went out on disability 5 years ago. Best thing I have ever done. 58 years young now. Was actually put out on a degenerative neck condition, I was a Bartender so I could not stand anymore. Secondary was HIV. You can work for 980 per month on disability with it not affecting your check. I have SSI, Pension and my small part time job. Live life and enjoy. You never know what is down the line. In the end it is all material wealth. You can not take it with you. Have a meaningful life enjoy it. Work a part time job you always wanted to work. I would know part time job is in Funeral Industry. Peace and Love

 


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