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Author Topic: July 25, 2009  (Read 4040 times)

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Offline ochousehead1

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  • Posts: 3
July 25, 2009
« on: July 31, 2009, 02:17:29 PM »
July 25, 2009...........July 25, 2009. This is the date I found out I was HIV positive. I will never forget this date. I plan on having it tattooed on me. 6 days now and I still feel nothing. The same as I felt when the guy at the clinic gave me the news. Is that normal? When I left the clinic I called the guy Iím seeing and went straight over to my friendís house unannounced and immediately broke down in his boyfriendís arms. They were the first Iíve told. After the tears had ended the only thing I could say was "I'm HIV+ I'm HIV+" it just didnít sound real I may have even chuckled. As reality started to set in I went home to hang out with my buddy Johnnie Walker. I proceeded to drink the rest of the day and still trying to get a hold of the guy that I was seeing. Dodged several phone calls from my parents, my ex, and friends only to just drink myself to a stupor, and trying to feel something other then being numb but still having this knot in my stomach full of undirected anger. Finally I got a text from the guy I'm seeing and replying back with a simple "we need to talk". I broke the news to him and it was a conversation I was dreading to have all day but he made it so easy. We have had unprotected sex............with a last known status of us both being negative. Weíve only been seen each other for 2 months. I apologized repedalty to him as I'm thinking how Iíve killed this man. "I'm responsible for my own actions" he says and tells me stop crying and beating myself up. He asked me to come over which I was very hesitant to do but I finally gave in. He welcomed me with the biggest hug I have ever received from any other man. He kissed me and said were in this together and I'm here from you. Being that he is 14yrs my senior he says "its good thing Iím older than you". For the rest of the night I forgot I was just delivered what I believe in my own ignoring a death sentence, and all I could think about was how unbelievably kind he was. I spent the whole weekend with him and it was great. Heís lucky to have meet me..........you mean a lot to me...........Iím hear for you.........wow. Monday July 27, 2009 I told another friend. Now 4 people know. I didnít want to tell her but we spend a lot of time together........heck she even has a key to my house. I just had to get it out there an over with. I told her she canít cry nor talk about it after this night as I still havenít accepted it. I never want my family to know at this point. How am I going to tell my best friend of 14yrs?

Tuesday July 28, 2009 was my second day back at work and I still feel nothing. Is this normal? I feel like I donít care about anything anymore and Iím seeing people differently. Is this normal? When do I feel angry or sad? I donít know what Iím supposed to feel. On Wednesday was supposed to find out the result of the 2nd test and find out how long Iíve had it and such. My insurance to my new job doesnít kick till in till August 1, 2009. Iíve shown no symptoms so far knock on wood. Is that horrible to go through? Iím terrified. How much do meds cost? Everything I feel are for things yet to come. I feel nothing now. Why?

Iím not sure where this going. Iím sorry if I rambled.......talked about this amazing man who which Iím having dinner with tonight to much and other stuff that means nothing to you. I guess I just had to vent but would much rather prefer to try and rip this out of me. I know no one who is positive. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone who is going through the same thing...........friend looking for a friend.


Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2009, 06:08:43 PM »
Hi OC, welcome to the forums.

Different people react to the news differently. I think it was a couple weeks before I cried, and when I did, something really stupid set me off and I don't think I stopped for at least an hour or two. I wasn't in denial, I was just numb, kinda like what you sound like.

And by the way, you have NOT been handed a death sentence. Your life will change in some ways, but life goes on and yours will too. I promise.

Don't worry about telling people right now. Remember, once you tell, you can't UNtell. You've got a few who know and are being supportive and maybe that's enough for the moment.

And don't worry about the costs of meds yet. It might be years before you even need them. Just work on getting your head around the news.

You ARE going to be ok. There are some here who have been positive for as many as 30 years. I've been poz just over twelve and I'm healthy and happy - and not on meds yet either.

Hang in there, it gets better. Really, it does.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline positivmat

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  • Posts: 222
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2009, 06:13:34 PM »
Its not clear to me if you are getting your western blot results on wednesday the 5th or if you already got them on 7/29. However you should wait til then to decide how you feel because the first test might be wrong.  Hopefully you are not positive. If you are, everyone reacts differently and there is no "wrong" first week reaction. It may take a while to sink in. You might need a lot of talking. Or you might not have a big issue with it. It sounds like you are all over the place with it which I think is normal. Let it out. Talk to people here. Seek out a support group. Talk to your lover. Do what you need to do. Just know that someone has gone through this before you. It took me a while. I was diagnosed 6 months ago and the sting is gone now but I am still working with what I am going to do with this major life change. Get yourself the support you need. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself in that respect pretty well.

The next step (if your western blot test confirms your result) is to have your blood tested for your viral load and your tcell count. Then you and your doctor wil discuss later tests. You might not have to go on meds for many years.

If you haven't tested pos on your western blot, take it easy relax and wait for that result.

Take care and reach out here if you need to talk.


Offline Joe K

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Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2009, 06:21:29 PM »
Hey OC,

Being poz is hardly a death sentence, because I've been living with it for 25 years.  Right now, your head is spinning, a million questions run through your mind and all of it is normal as you have just received some life altering news.  You need to just your feelings flow and find support where you can and this is one time in your life that you need to take care of you.  Don't make any rash decisions and if something does not feel right, then just wait as you have all the time in the world.

But for right now, just breath.  Let all the other stuff wait and take some time to start adjusting to your status.  Be good to yourself and that means in mind, body and spirit.  Do something nice for yourself, every day, even if it is only for 20 minutes.  Remember that you are the same man today, that you were yesterday, except for a virus.  Never let HIV dictate how you live and most of all, believe that this will get better, because it will.  I promise.

Offline ochousehead1

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  • Posts: 3
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2009, 09:52:56 PM »
Thank you everyone for your replies.  That really boosted my day.  I'm doing ok today, and headed to Los Angeles tonight to have dinner with my best friend and break the news.  That's the last person on my list at this point. I go tomorrow to find out the results of my second test.  I'm mentally prepping myself for the results.  So I will let you all know the outcome.  Either way I'm taking this one day at a time.


Online Andy Velez

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Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2009, 08:03:55 PM »
Taking it one day at a time is a very, very good approach. Gradually you're going to see that life is going to go on for you. And that whatever new challenges it may include, your life will still be good.

You're also likely in the coming weeks and months to have all sorts of feelings. That's pretty much par for the course.

Whatever information you get about your numbers this coming week, before making any treatment decisions it would be good to have them checked for a few months to see what pattern forms. You might keep a little pad and pen handy so that any questions that come up in your thoughts are jotted down. That way whenever you meet with your doctor you won't have to depend on your memory to recall everything you want to ask.

You're also always welcome here to ask questions and to talk about anything that's on your mind.

Welcome and hang in there.

Andy Velez

Offline ochousehead1

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  • Posts: 3
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2009, 12:47:47 PM »
Well on Saturday (08/01/2009) I got the results back from the western blot test and it did come back positive.  I must say my reaction to the results was much better than when I first found out.  Still haven't had a change in emotion but trying to get back to my normal routine.  I have pretty much distance myself from friends and there beginning to ask questions.  Just not feeling to social lately.  Yesterday I went to see my DR for a referral to a specialist so that's the next step. Hopefully I will get in to see someone right away.  Ii just all seems so unreal.  The guy I'm seeing is still being very supportive and right by my side.  A truly amazing person.  Once again thank you all for your support and I will keep you updated as I find out more information.  How is everyone else doing?


"The dance floor is my true place of worship"

Offline positivmat

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  • Posts: 222
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2009, 06:24:38 PM »
Sorry to hear about your western blot confirmation. It is really wonderful that your lover is helping you get through this so well. You sound like you have a great attitude and will be fine. Expect ups and downs and be gentle with yourself if things get heavy. And keep dancing.

Offline jay195

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  • Posts: 67
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2009, 08:28:44 PM »
Hi and welcome from one  newbie ( actually I was diagnosed  June 2008  but only joined here last week or so ) to another. What can I say that hasn't been said by these wonderful people already .It is a big shock to the system to say the least .Coz I had got some info about hiv and heard how devasted most
people felt when they were told they had it, I thought that  I would feel like that too............only I didn't. I remember crying once when there was a programme on tv about hiv and thinking " shit this is for life " but then I decided to get on with life and carry on as before. I have to coz I have my  business to run and so I have to be on the ball so as to speak. The situation only has the importance that you give it, like all situations .It's like if  you break up with a  partner you can spend hours crying or shrug it off............next one please ! I know you are thinking easier said than done but one must be strong, and if anything this freakin virus has made me stronger and more decisive than I ever thought possible. At the end of the day this bug is living with me and not the me with it.

                                                Jay ..............kiss                                                 

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: July 25, 2009
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2009, 12:02:42 AM »
Welcome Aboard OC.  Glad to see that you are feeling somewhat better than when you initially posted (and that you have the support of a special someone).

Best wishes in all respects... love your "signature"  ;)

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."


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