so, I'm visiting my grammy in a couple hours.

[Mouse]

and I'm pretty much a selfish prick and I don't want to. 

My grammy (on my dad's side, not my gramma) has been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes since I was maybe twelve years old. so a few years now. at first it was kind of shocking because me and my grammy used to do a lot of stuff together. we were close when I was younger. she used to live in this apartment building and in front of her apartment there was this huge hill, and when I was little I used to call her outside so she could watch me run down the hill (GRAMMY WATCH WHAT I CAN DO sort of thing lol) and she used to take me cool places. we went to an aquarium and pet stingrays and both went 'eewwwww' when the guy that worked there said that they were covered with mucus. and we went to the circus and I cried because I'm afraid of clowns. lmao

and i remember at christmas or holidays or birthdays shed get me the COOLEST GIFTS ***EVER***. not like expensive things but shed pick out like the coolest shit that no one else would think of. like stuff that i didnt even know i wanted. haha. cool art things and craft stuff and games and all kinds of cool pens and paper for writing and drawing and it's totally at least partially her fault that that's such a big part of who i am now.

so, yeah. okay. and shes dying. shes on life support right now and a respirator and all sorts of wires and tubes and shit and I'm terrible because i don't want to see that. but i have to because my step sister is picking me up in an hour and i'm going to the hospital with her to see my grammy and then going to my fathers.

i hate hospitals. hate them. when i go inside hospitals for ANY reason I get lightheaded and woozy and nauseous and sick. I know it's a mental thing and I know WHY I'm afraid of hospitals but I also know this isn't about me. but to be honest, it isn't about my grammy either now because she is unconcious and doesn't know what the fuck is going on. it's a show up sort of thing. an appearance thing. i will be there and my family will see that and then, you know, I'm not such a selfish asshole to them. but I really don't care what they think and frankly I don't owe them anything and even more frankly than that I don't want to see my grammy dying. i'm fifteen. leave me alone. I don't want to see that. I don't know why I have to see that. I'd like peaceful, unsuspecting, ignorant bliss for a few more years please. let me not know whats going on for a few more years. i don't want to know. i want to keep in my mind what i picture my grammy to be and that's a very comfortable, funny, sweet old lady. not some fucking body hooked up on respirators and shit.

and I know she wouldn't want me to see that though because she ALWAYS shielded me from that stuff. always. even when she got diabetes and i'd go out with her she would send me away when she had to give herself insulin and shit. she didnt want her grandson to see her ill in any way, and i think that is a common trait of most grandparents.

my grammy is probably one of the coolest, too. a) she's like catholic and like insanely into jesus (she wears the tshirts and eeeeeverything) b) but she is cool with gay people. we had a discussion about that once. she said some of the nicest people she knows are gay and she doesn't have any problem with them c) she doesn't know I'm gay, but the comfort I have in knowing that can't be described.

she's cool. I love her. if anyone challenges me about those things they will be mutilated beyond recognition. but I'm not sad right now. I'm frustrated, and I'm angry, but I'm not sad. and I feel guilty about that.

[Tim]

Jaser,

I am so sorry to hear of your added stress. 

Please don't feel guilty about any of the feelings that you have right now.  You say you think you should feel one way, yet you feel another way and that it may be selfish of you.

The impending passing of your dear grammy is already bringing grief to you, as is understandable.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief.  I think you are familiar with the rules.... anger, sadness, denial, guilt, acceptance, all that stuff.

Death is at the other end of the spectrum of life from birth.  None of us can escape it.

You'll suffer throught this grief and yet somehow come out stronger for it.

And, there's nothing at all to feel guilty or selfish about during this time of pain.  You love her and that's all that counts.

[Ann]

Jaser,

I'm proud of you... you know that. Just stay long enough to say goodbye. Hold her hand and tell her what you just told us. Even though she's unconscious, that doesn't mean she won't know you're there and feel your presence. Say goodbye Jaser, and wish her well on her journey. I know I am.

Ann

[joyluckclub]

Hey!

Ditto to what everyone else is saying.  Don't feel guilty about your feelings.  You and your grandmother shared a special relationship.  It is hard to see someone you dearly love transition into another part of life.

Say  goodbye and remember the good times you had with her.  Though I was close to my grandmother when she was sick and dying in 2003, I could not make myself go to the hospital.  I was dealing with issues and other stressors that made it hard for me to see her dying.

Again, remember the good times when you feel sick, lightheaded, etc,.

You'll make it through this tough situation.


Corwyn

[Matty the Damned]

Smaller One,

No person in this place has the strength that you do. Your Grammy is, I fancy, proud of you.

Hold her hand in these dark and final hours. It's what a Wombat would do.

Larger One

[Christine]

Hi Jaser,
Everytime I read your posts, I am amazed at your ability to be able to express yourself so clearly and with so much emotion.

I understand not liking hospitals and not wanting to see your grammy ill. But, I think as time passes you might regret not saying good bye to her. I would go, ask your family if you can see her alone, (if that would make you more comfortable), say what you need to say to grammy, then if you need to- wait in the lobby area, or outside.

Your grammy sounds like a wonderful lady. I wish her peace on the next journey of her life.
Christine

[Life]

Jazer, I did the same thing with my Grandmother and refused to see her last minutes or go to the funeral.. 20 years later, it still bothers me I did not say goodbye..  Dont make my mistake...  I wanted to remember her for when she was vibrant..  I wont make this mistake ever again...

Love

[Mouse]

Life is fucking weird - I just thought I'd let everyone know that cause it's a big deal.

Today, I saw my grandmother again, we had a chat about politics and the middle east.

This morning they took her respirator out to see if she can breathe on her own - and, well, she did.

By the afternoon she was sitting up and speaking clearly.

I guess she's not going anywhere just yet.

As a side effect though, I haven't eaten a bite of food in two days. My dad has been too stressed to think about buying groceries. But, it's cool. Everything is okay right now - there are issues about my asshole of an aunt, but I'm kinda feeling sick from not eating and lack of sleep so I'll get into it later.

[Eldon]

Hello Jaser, it is Eldon. It is good to hear that you grammy is recovering and she is able to breathe on her own. Cherish the times with her and share with her.

[Ann]

Wow Jaser, sounds like she's not ready to leave you just yet. I'm really proud of you for going, and I bet she was thrilled to see you.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[Nadine]

Jaser,

I'm happy to hear that your grammy is recovering. I know she really appreciated your visit. I too am proud of you for going.

Now go get something to eat! 

[Mouse]

Today, her oxygen levels went back down and will have to go back on the ventilator. She's decided to try a few more days to see if things improve again, and if not, she's decided she doesn't want to keep going with it.

So, yeah. That's where we are right now with it.

Basically, my aunt has power of attorney over my grandmother, so if she was incapacitated then she would be able to decide whether or not to take her off life support or keep her on. My grandmother has been concious through this and so has been able to make her own decisions regarding her medical care, but if she were not my aunt wanted to take her off the respirator DAYS ago without giving her a chance to recover despite the fact that the doctors outlined that this is a situation which can be reversed and recovered from.

My aunt is a bitch.

She basically sapped her mother dry of money throughout the years and now that she has nothing left wants to just let her die. My grandmother is a religious woman - she spoke to her pastor today and decided on what is taking place now. My aunt has repeatedly tried to get her off the ventilator to get her to die and my entire familiy pretty much hates her guts now. Years ago she wanted to put her in a nursing home even though my uncle wanted to let her stay at his house to care for her - because my aunt is a selfish bitch. Luckily, my uncle was able to take her home and care for her with a nurse rather than let her go to a nursing home prematurely. My grammy was much happier around her family and it was obviously best for her in that situation but my aunt was obviously looking for the easy way out now that she could no longer get anything from her.

So, it's a complicated situation but we're all hoping she does better again. She's not quite as bad as she was when she entered the hospital so we all have our fingers crossed.