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Author Topic: Is anyone dating?  (Read 2570 times)

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Offline B99

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Is anyone dating?
« on: July 25, 2009, 12:09:41 PM »
With so much shame surrounding being infected with HIV, I'm wondering how are people managing to meet people for dating? And dating includes short term (sex) and long term.  This question applies to both men and women, gay and straight.

I ask because I'm thinking about jumping in the dating pool again, but I don't want to spread my status around to the entire dating pool.  I believe in discloser, however, I don't believe that everyone should know your business if they don't need to.  Where can you meet single, positive (or positive friendly) men and women?

Offline Langie

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2009, 11:04:42 AM »
hello B99
i dont know where you are living but here in UK ther positive dating sites where people can go and find true love. but saying that i have never tried to hit the sites. hopefully that one source where you can meet your love... good luck.

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,207
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2009, 11:42:03 AM »
B99, though you said that this topic applies to everyone it actually would be more helpful if you stated (somewhat) where you live (i.e. city, suburb, rural) and what you're looking for (male-male, male-female, etc.)

There are too many variables without all of this to be able to offer you any suggestions for dating.

But yes, in the 16 years that I've been diagnosed as positive I've dated a lot, had several relationship and what have you.  I've also met them in a large variety of circumstances.  There really wasn't a lot of difference between my pre- and post- diagnosis, but then I was fortunate to find myself living in NYC with it's large positive community, so even if I wasn't dating someone who was also positive by and large they'd already been exposed to the issue and had dated someone who was positive, etc.  So sure, in my case it helped in terms of where I lived and being gay.

However, like I said without knowing your details it's hard to discuss this.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline decayingsinner

  • Member
  • Posts: 274
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2009, 11:49:37 AM »
I have to say that it is by complete luck that the man I got into a relationship recently happens to be hiv+ as well. I wasn't looking and honestly, maintaining my health was(and always is) my main concern.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2009, 02:39:09 PM »
same way as before, trial, error, hope & patience. toss in the occasional asshole and that's life : )

good luck on your dating adventures, keep us posted.

oh - where do we find them? poz websites (like this one), poz functions, and i know people hate this, but networking at aso's as well.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,902
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2009, 03:34:19 PM »
If you don't want your HIV+ satus spread around, it will depend on your actions and your environment? So what is yours --- small world - everybody knows someone who knows someone - or big annoymous city?

So you want to disclose.  So you start dating, and if you TRUST that the person can be discrete, you can disclose. If you insist to disclose before sex, then you'll have to give up dating anyone who you feel you cannot trust to be discrete.  You don't want to disclose to someone, or someone pressures you into sex and you dont feel like explaining why you dont want to screw yet, cause you dont want to disclose yet. 

Or, you trust, you disclose, and someone rejects you.  No sex, no relation, and the cat is out of the bag to yet another person. 

Anyway, once the cat is out of the bag, you can't control information or people, so you'll just have to live with the consequences of what is, after all, a good thing - disclosing... 

So you might disclose to the wrong person, a gossiper, and then there's really nothing you can do. But the gossiper is the jerk, not you.  You just have a virus - its neutral.





“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2009, 03:31:52 AM »
With so much shame surrounding being infected with HIV,

I don't recall feeling this shame you discuss.  I was infected with HIV in December 1994 and continued to date (heavily).  I did stop dating briefly in June 1996 as I was in the hospital with PCP.  I started again when I felt better and stopped dating in July 2000 because I moved to a new and smaller community.  I met someone when I first moved here to the Russian River but the sparks did not fly and we are friends.

Having met someone a year and a half ago, I wrote about every conversation we had, every place we went to and ever thought process I went through with disclosure and the first three dates.  It is my belief that my soul was led to this community so I could meet the man I will always be with and he was looking for me.  Not only have I been welcomed into his heart with open arms but his friends are making me part of their community as well.   ;D  Have the best day
Michael

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2009, 09:38:09 AM »



   I dated for a while before meeting my wife.  I only dated people who were also positive just so that whole disclosure thing could be avoided.  One thing I learned real quick is that having HIV in common is not a good reason to start a relationship and it actually means very little if at all for the success of one of course.

   I was 36 when I got back on the dating scene and let me tell you it sure has changed since 15 years ago when I meant my second wife.   Had a 55 year old grandmother telling to come over for sex without any reciprocation.....  that was interesting, when she sent me her picture I kept getting visions of Joan Collins and the
 Avon lady.

  The visit never came to be.... 

   I also liked the one were the girl said she never could figure out how she got infected , meanwhile she said she would meet me at her door on her knees.....  WHY?  Because she said she knew that's what men wanted.   

  I was tempted......

  This was all before I was on meds.  Then I met a woman who I told I just wanted to be friends with and she wouldn't go away.   She showed concern and compassion when I was sick and going through a lot of personal stuff.  She stuck by my side, even though I kept telling her that I had absolutely nothing to add a relationship.  She became my best buddy, someone I could share my fears with.....  and she understood where I was coming from because she had gone through it 4 years prior.  Got sick 1 month of knowing each other and was rushed to the hospital.  When I came home I was too weak to even get up to go to the bathroom.   My food supplies were dwindling, but here she was to help me clean myself and bringing groceries all the time.   She was like an angel to me and part of the reason I made it out of my self pity phase in the beginning.

  Today we are married, have a beautiful daughter who will be 2 yrs old in September.  We have it tough right now, insurance premiums and medical bills are eating us alive, but we realize it's pretty much like that across America.   We are grateful for having each other and our beautiful daughter has really pushed back into the mode of setting goals for her future.

  One thing that has come out of dating is this great life I have right now  even with the ups and downs, but that's just the way life is.  I am grateful for what I have.... 

  I look at dating a lot like having a job interview.  The the stress part of it I mean, but I guess with age I've learned to turn that around.  Outside of getting into a relationship,it's great opportunity to meet new people and of course the possibility of making a good friend.....  which is something i don't think is something that is done first these days.

  Some here disclose their status right off the bat when going the serodiscordant route, but personally I think there is much more to a person that what they may have, whether it is that Mercedes ML500 or an HIV status....

  I wish you luck, keep an open mind, and don't settle for crap. 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2009, 02:10:22 AM »
 
  Some here disclose their status right off the bat when going the serodiscordant route, but personally I think there is much more to a person that what they may have, whether it is that Mercedes ML500 or an HIV status....

 

Actually it is not the Mercedes, the diamond rings or the trips to Monaco... "it's the way that he loves me" and in 20 years, I can be the next Paula Abdul, a drunk ass judge on Star Search...  ;D  Have the best day
Michael

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2009, 02:49:24 AM »
One thing I learned real quick is that having HIV in common is not a good reason to start a relationship and it actually means very little if at all for the success of one of course.

very, very true. i think it's worth mentioning again. beware the "who else will love me" mentality.

good luck and keep us posted.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline decayingsinner

  • Member
  • Posts: 274
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2009, 07:19:45 PM »
very, very true. i think it's worth mentioning again. beware the "who else will love me" mentality.

good luck and keep us posted.

Very true. For me, we didn't even disclose right away. Once we both found out that we were, it was just an added bonus.

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,686
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2009, 10:36:35 AM »
Hey b99   :)  ,

              Not knowing where you are ?     

          Things I would conceder ?

         Do your neighbors LIKE you now ?

        Are  you    gay ?

      I live in a town of 57 people  , think  " Deliverance "  ..................................


      The  HIV cat is out of the bag and NOBODY   gives a rats ass !

       I find most people really too busy to worry about YOU ! ,

       NOT IN ANYWAY  SAID TO BE RUDE !

     But in today's  life style  MOST  people  do not have time for their own business .

     I wish you the best of luck !

    I do NOT date , BUT believe me the fish are  biting more than I care to be hunted  ::)

    I find  a bar is the worst place to look !

    Lowe's  and Home Depot  and landscaping centers are real  magnets for  men !

    If you live near the beach , I don't care what you look like people will  chit chat and be friendly

   I have the gift of babble so life really is a  hoot , most people think I am either  wonderful

    or ESCAPED from  the men in white jackets  :o

                                        Have fun , be safe

                                                   Carl , living like I may not be here tomarrow  :)
" Live and let Live "

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,902
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2009, 04:05:34 PM »
Wow weasel,
that's and upbeat report! tres cool.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline elf

  • Member
  • Posts: 613
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2009, 04:37:40 AM »
I'm not dating. I'm not ready.
I don't feel sexual anymore. I'm like a 7 year old child.  >:(
I just want a hug, and a kiss on my cheek.  >:(

Offline B99

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2009, 06:38:07 PM »
Male or Female. I date both.  And I live (and will be moving to) a major city.  So any urban area.  Not necessarily interested in specifics (go to "Larry's on 5th" if you are in NYC) but more interested in how people have been finding people to date with a positive HIV status.

Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2009, 01:14:59 AM »
Male or Female. I date both.  And I live (and will be moving to) a major city.  So any urban area.  Not necessarily interested in specifics (go to "Larry's on 5th" if you are in NYC) but more interested in how people have been finding people to date with a positive HIV status.

there is no magic pill.  What works for me is I got busy doing what I love.  I pursue my hobbies, I attend a weekly support group, I got involved in running a social organization in Houston for Poz guys.  By doing what I love I'm making friends who share common interests and finding guys who share those interests.

I'd rather have 10 good friends then 1 lover.  the right person will come along and in the meanwhile I'm enjoying life.  I got busy making myself someone I would love.  The theory was that if I didn't love myself why would anyone else?
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline elf

  • Member
  • Posts: 613
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2009, 04:35:02 AM »
hotpuppy and I share the same way of thinking,
way to go pal! :)

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,686
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2009, 10:16:23 AM »
I'm with Elf and HotPuppy on this  :)

   Live life like you are having a ball and enjoying EVERY MINUTE   and people

   will   want to be around you .

   The HIV  issue ?   Friends don't care , make Friends  then reveal if it seems right .

   I have yet to meat a guy that was afraid of  HIV , STUPID yes !  but educated people know

  if you are careful  they will be safe .

   Life is changing for the better , I KNOW   people are getting the word .

 I know NO ONE that does NOT know a HIV person ! And living in a mountain hideaway

 that is saying a lot !

Just a trip to Wal-mart  and I see  HIV  peeps !   

It is the old saying stop looking and they well find you .................................


                                                    love to all  :-*

                                                              Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Is anyone dating?
« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2009, 09:15:54 PM »
You can date if you want to.  But, I'd suggest you get over the shame issue first.   While it is not easy to discard what is probably decades of social habit.. shame is in fact nothing but a habit.  In life you actually get to choose how you feel about things.     Shame, in my opinion, is a choice... and a bad one.   If you need help, then get help. 

I am not saying that you should go running into the hills screaming your status.  But, it's just a friggin disease.  Yes, there are some people who won't want to date you because you have the plague.  Really, do you want to date them so badly that you can't let them have their own choice?  And, when you decide it's time to check it out, there are plenty of poz dating sites. 

By the way, my boyfriend is negative.  He's known I am poz since the beginning and it's never once been an issue.  We talk about it and don't really let it become an issue.  One of the things he was attracted to about me, he says, is my frankness about my status.  Just a thought.   

The things you fear are less scary when you confront them honestly, I suppose.  Best of luck.

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

 


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