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Author Topic: Disclosed to my Mom  (Read 3126 times)

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Offline livingpositively

  • Member
  • Posts: 369
Disclosed to my Mom
« on: August 12, 2006, 01:23:59 AM »

WOW!!!...what an evening.

My mom is visiting me for a week.  On Wednesday evening, we had just returned to the house after dinner out.  She was trying to outsmart the tv/cable/dvr remote, and I told her to just leave the tv off.  Of course she got kind of a "WTF" look on her face and I said there was something we needed to talk about.  Again, "WTF??!!"

I intro'd the topic a little bit and then told her that in March, I was tested for HIV and it came back positive.

       Mom:  silence and YET again THE look

       Shane:  (thinking) QUICK...think of something else to say. 

I thought of something to say.

       Shane:  (thinking) Whew, that was close.  ok, she didn't go into hysterics...hmmmmm...what's happening here?

After a moment of semi-awkward silence, dialogue was opened up and we had a pretty good discussion.  It was obviously not emotion free.  There were tears and fears expressed.  Basics explained, printed out AM lessons presented for future reading if wanted.  More talking.  A big hug, "I love yous" exchanged and we went to bed.

The next day we went to the state fair, didn't really talk about "things", which was fine.  I really just wanted to do the things that we had planned on doing during her visit without this big black cloud of despair hanging over our heads.  So far, so good.

This afternoon we drove to Chicago, walked around the "Magnificent Mile" a little bit, had a fantastic dinner and went to see "Wicked".  We have had little snipets of conversation about it here and there, but nothing super heavy.

So, two days after Mom found out her one and only child has HIV...all seems "normal".  Poor woman, after all those years in front of a Baptist preacher preaching hell, fire and brimstone....the kid first tells her he's a big old mo and NOW he has HIV.  I asked her this morning if 34 years and one month ago (the day I was born) and she first saw me, did she have any idea it would be this much of a challenge to be my mother.  She said, "Challenge is not what I would call it"...we had a good laugh and drove off to Chicago.

I kind of keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Maybe/hopefully it won't.  I'm sure there will be moments, but thus far...THINGS ARE GOOD!!!

It's because of all of you that I had the strength to face this situation.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs,

Shane
4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,398
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2006, 01:47:21 AM »
Hey Shane,
You have done a brave and beneficial thing.

Brave, because it is never easy to tell a person you love.

Beneficial because now you don't have to worry about hiding things, or about a slip of the tongue.

Moreover, I would wager your mother will be there for you through thick and thin, at least that what it looks like from your description.

Good job, young man!

HUGS,

Mark

Who is glad your mother handled the news with such elan.

"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

poznoregon

  • Guest
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2006, 01:51:17 AM »
What a courageous thing to do, sounds like you will have great support from your Mother.

Doug

Offline RobT

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2006, 01:56:22 AM »
Disclosure to parents is and has been a very couageous thing to do. At lest ur mom took it a little better than mine. It really does lift a tremendous weight off a person's shoulders as I can b more open about it than b4. I am glad that u found the strength.

RobT

9/27/2005-1st test results
Viral Load >1,000,000
CD4 204
CD4%age 18
CD4/CD8 ratio .23
11/24/2005- Sustiva/Truvada
04/18/2006
Viral Load 140
CD4 402
CD4%age .21
CD4/CD8 ratio .39
06/27/2006
Viral Load 42
CD4 409
CD4%age .21
08/01/2006
Viral load- undetectable
CD4 493
CD4%age .33


Current meds: Atripla
VL: undetectable
CD4: 630

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,161
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2006, 04:57:53 AM »
Hello Shane,

It's a tough decision, disclosing to ones parents. I had disclosed to my mother, back in 1985, and never regretted it. She has since passed on,( 2002) I never mentioned this to my father, there is no way possible that he would ever understand, so it was best I left it that way.

 I informed my mother, probably within two weeks after I was diagnosed. Being the year 1985, neither one of us, really knew all that much about HIV, and the information, and the drugs, were really not out there. The thing that bothered my mother a lot was, that I had informed her, probably within a month of Rock Hudsons passing. So, this was very much on her mind, back then. There was a lot of uncertainty.

I also remember there were lots of tears and hugs, but my mother was a major supporting role for me, through many of my years of HIV, until she passed.We spoke quite often. ( she had lived 1,400 miles away from me) I also gave a lot of support to her during her battle with breast cancer. We supported each other. She had also met and known many of my friends who also had passed on, through the years from aids.

 I remember her sending me newspaper articles ( no computer back then) hoping that some of these articles would be helpful to me.


I am glad you were able to disclose, I am sure that as time passes, your mom will have a lot more questions for you, so be prepared for the answers. There will also be more emotional times ahead. I found that I could speak pretty openly and honestly, and without hesitation to my mother. Hopefully things will be the same for you.


Take care------Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2006, 05:22:43 AM »
That was a brave thing to do! I hope you feel relieved. I know I did. Good for you! I just know you did the right thing. best of luck to you both!
Positive since 1985

Offline Rabbit

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2006, 08:26:19 AM »
Hello SHANE,

You have done a brave and good thing. My lover told his mother about his HIV and she was shock.However, the truth is the truth. I talked to her and I know the pain of the mothers who have children with HIV. She told me that she wish she could exchange her life for her son. She told me that she is 53 years old now. Enough for her to die instead of her son. She told me much about her feeling, which she did not tell my lover. She does not want to make him sadder and more stress. HIV is enough for him, she said. I now try to keep her calm and keep my lover happy as I know the feeling of people with HIV from this forum, and I know the feeling of a mother of a son with HIV.

What I  have told you is that your mother may seem to be normal, good ... but deep in her mind, her heart she has a big pain. You need to calm her down as people are helping each other in this forum. Do not let her think and find out herself about HIV, people with HIV. Very stress for her. When knowing her son with HIV, the mother is as stress as her son when he receiving HIV + test. Tell her that there is life after HIV and lots of people with HIV are still living after a 20 years.

I wish you and your mother well and all the best.

Tigercub

Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2006, 08:46:16 AM »
Way to go, Shane!  I know that was tough... on both of you.  At some point, I'll 'have' to disclose to my family; I just hope everyone handles it as well as you and your mom did.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2006, 08:56:04 AM »
You did a great thing Shane.  You should be proud of yourself.  Never let HIV get you down.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2006, 10:13:17 AM »
Shane... I am very proud of you!  Its not only a couragious thing to do, its the RIGHT thing to do...  Its ever so nice to have Mom back in the picture of all facits of her son's life.  I think you will find a bond you have yet to experience with your Mom now....

Way to go Kiddo!

Love

Offline jordan

  • Member
  • Posts: 239
  • What I want is a celebration
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2006, 10:35:05 AM »


I'm glad things went well for you....I hope to get to the point that I can tell me mom.

I'm thinking the same as you.....my mother doesn't even know I'm gay....so I imagine if I tell her I'm gay and I have HIV.

I'm sure it wasn't easy.
If you think your lonely now, wait until tonight.

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2006, 11:34:09 AM »
Shane, you have done what I will never be ready to do. Well done!
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,348
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2006, 12:11:29 PM »
Shane,

Tres bon! (getting ready for Montreal) Magnifique!

What I've found since telling my sister as my initial confidante, then my mother and then my remaining siblings is that I walk taller than ever, literally and figuratively.

Allowing my family to function as informed people and knowing they love me, enables me to move freely about the cabin of the world. By being truthful with them, it allowed me to feel what it is like to let truth be a guiding force.

By taking the risk of being truthful, it deepened my relationships with all of them and I've put myself more at ease as a result.

Em

Offline zephyr

  • Member
  • Posts: 459
    • Zephyr L.T.N.P. Foundation, Inc.
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2006, 12:49:33 PM »
Dear Shane,

Words don't seem adequate here to express to you how very PROUD I am. You have come such a long way since our "tailgate" visit into the wee hours of the California night just a few short weeks ago!

I know you to be one of the most thoughtful, compassionate men I've ever had the pleasure to meet, and understand the places you swam through to get to this place of disclosure to your Mother. You were nervous, sure, but you were prepared, and she must have appreciated this.
So glad you did this at the 'beginning' of the trip rather than at the end of it, as time together for questions and answers was there for both of you.

Life happens. Your Mother has need of time to process this information. I have the distinct feeling that this will bring you much closer over time.

Do you feel unburdened, Shane?

<<<HUGS and KISSES>>>

Love,

Zephyr :-*
"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Online Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 24,104
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2006, 02:07:02 PM »
Congrats, glad that went well.  Took me a damn decade to tell my parents -- they're Southern and quite religious.  However, once I told them they've just been incredibly supportive of me.  I couldn't have asked for more.  I should never have waited that long.  Oddly it's made my relationship with them much MUCH better all around.  They're completely comfortable discussing the minutiae of my lab work, etc.  I think it helps that my mother went through breast caner in the 90's and came through all of that OK.

Oh, and the side benefit is that lately they insist on taking me on expensive overseas trips :)
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline DancerBoy

  • Member
  • Posts: 281
  • 5,6,7,8 step touch step touch
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2006, 02:10:03 PM »
Oh Shane!  I'm so happy that you told your momma and it went well...

I must also admit that I'm a little jealous that you saw Wicked...
See you soon!!!!
-D
Boys are Stupid

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2006, 06:19:24 PM »
Hello Shane, it is Eldon. I know disclosing wasn't easy to your mother. It took a lot of courage and I say my hat is off to you for doing so. If your mom is like my mother you will be received with open arms of love and unconditional support.

I've been through it too and it is a heavy weight lifted off of your shoulders. Great going Shane!

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,626
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2006, 06:42:28 PM »
Shane,

I am so proud of you honey!   Disclosure to family is a very personal thing, and while I would never offer much advice about doing it, in my opinion you made the right choice.

Oh, and I'm with Danny -- jealous that you saw "Wicked" !

Hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline otherplaces

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2006, 11:49:36 PM »

Congratulations Shane.  I'm happy it went well for you.  It is quite a relief to have these things behind you, isn't it?

take care,
brian


Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
  • Posts: 136
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2006, 12:56:54 AM »
All I can say is Wow!

What you did was courageous!  I pray that your relationship with your mother will continue to grow.


Corwyn
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline sdcabincrew74

  • Member
  • Posts: 540
    • My Manhunt account
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2006, 03:08:06 AM »
I told my parents when I was in the hospital with PCP with not only HIV but also, AIDS?!?!  My dad said, we kind of figured that.  Funny, I did not figure it?  O well, they then took turns flying out to CA from PA and spending a week with me at a time.  First at the hospital and then at home as I gained my strength back.  They are much stronger than I ever thought.
The difference between an overnight and a layover is luck!

Offline Alain

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • I am.
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2006, 08:14:20 AM »
.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2006, 01:41:44 PM by cowandalehouse »

Offline livingpositively

  • Member
  • Posts: 369
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2006, 11:55:35 AM »
Thank you, all, for you words of encouragement and support.  It was something that I knew I was going to do while she was here, just didn't know when.

On the way home from Chicago last night, we talked about a lot of stuff.  It was good.  I don't think my mom is going to run out and become this big time activist, and i don't care if she does.  She is asking questions, and that's what matters to me right now.  BABY STEPS!!!  hehe

Yes, Zephie (and I think a couple others mentioned), I do feel like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I don't regret, even a little bit, having disclosed to her.

Thanks again, everyone

Hugs,

Shane
4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Disclosed to my Mom
« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2006, 12:41:18 PM »
Yippie Shane,  Yippie! ;D

 


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