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Author Topic: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed  (Read 11915 times)

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Offline nycpoz

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tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« on: July 20, 2009, 08:32:23 AM »
Hello all, I am 27 yrs straight guy in NYC. I have just been tested poz (elissa and wb). I had sex only 3 times in my life and all protected. Last time I had sex was when I was 24 years. Few months back I had oral sex (unprotected) with my ex-gf (only she went down). We had this thing probably couple of times. In june I developed severe tonsillitis infection. The infection was over in 2 weeks. I went to see my doctor again and he asked me about my sexual exposures, and based on what I described he said no testing required. But, since I was never tested before I asked him for a test.
2 weeks later I got shocker of my life that I am hiv+. I couldn't believe it. I found it last friday and cried entire weekend thinking what went wrong. I found a post by chuck saying that his wife tested positive on WB, but later was found negative. My doctor says these tests are 100%. I again discussed my exposure with my doctor and he send for the test again, alongwith many more tests. I am extremely depressed. I have no brothers and sisters, and can't tell my parents. I am battling this alone which is getting very difficult.

Please share some advise on my situation.

Many regards.

Offline physicsguy

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2009, 09:27:56 AM »
The likelihood of getting false positives on both ELISA and western blot is virtually zero.  ELISA has a false positive rate of about .2% and western blot is somewhere close to 0%, so unless the lab really managed to screw things up, the results should be definitive.

Have you had any exposure routes other than sexual?  Participated in any HIV-related clinical trials?

Anyway, the good news is that, in NYC, you need not be alone, plus there are places online like this.  And if you take care of yourself there's no reason you can't live a normal, healthy life.


Online Andy Velez

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2009, 11:05:22 AM »
NYC, it's very understandable that you're in a troubled state after having received your test results. And puzzled as well too.

We'll keep our fingers crossed just on the unlikely possibility that your results turn out to have been mistaken.

Whatever happens with that, you are welcome here to talk about whatever is on your mind. However shocking and unexpected this is for you, you're not going to fall through any black hole. Life is definitely going to go on and it will still be a good one, buddy.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2009, 06:27:53 PM »
Thanks guys for kind words. I am still having a hard time digesting that i m poz. Based on my exposure, there is still a little hope in me. But, the feeling of being hiv poz is just killing me from inside.

If I am hiv poz, am I gonna be always sick? I had a huge career in front of me which goes down the drain. I work for a international bank, and as I am on work visa, my doctor advised me to have job all the time or I am looking at something that should not happen to someone of my age. I feel really insecure thinking about all that. I can't share is with my parents, have no brothers and sisters. I cann't risk telling my friends what is they just abandon me. They are my only pseudo support here.

Are there any meetup groups in NYC where I can make friends and share my situation.


Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2009, 06:32:38 PM »
I had no other risky behavior. No drugs, needles, no clinical trials... 

Offline physicsguy

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2009, 06:39:15 PM »
Quote
If I am hiv poz, am I gonna be always sick?
No, not if you take care of yourself.  You can still have your job and live an active life.  It's basically up to you whether you go on with life as usual and treat it as a chronic condition or sit around wallowing in self-pity waiting to die.
Quote
I cann't risk telling my friends what is they just abandon me.
You might be surprised.  The only people who stopped talking to me were people I never really liked to begin with.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2009, 06:43:39 PM »

Are there any meetup groups in NYC where I can make friends and share my situation.



This is a very good organization -- click on program schedule and start with one of their "drop in" Big Groups:

http://www.friendsindeed.org
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2009, 06:45:07 PM »
thanks physics guy. what do you mean by take care of yourself??

kind regards,

Offline physicsguy

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2009, 06:51:12 PM »
thanks physics guy. what do you mean by take care of yourself??

kind regards,

For me, it's been a combination of eating healthy foods, working out, and taking meds on time every time.  Your doctor will also make sure you get vaccinated against influenza, pneumonia, etc.  I actually haven't even had a cold in the 4+ years I've been poz, still go to work every day, still working on the PhD (and the long, long hours that entails) and generally feel as good as I did before I was infected (better, actually).

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2009, 07:33:01 PM »
Thanks physicsguy and miss phlicia... will check one of the big group meetings.

Physicsguy good luck with your phd. I know how much it takes to crack thesis in field like physics. Don't mean to ask you everything today without having done much research myself. But what kind of healthy food in general? And does the medication has lot of side effects?

Offline physicsguy

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2009, 07:52:22 PM »
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, try to go light on the red meat.   Basically all the things you should be eating even if you weren't poz.

The medication I'm on (atripla) has minimal side effects - no loss of apetite, no feeling sick, no loss of energy, etc.  It does, however, have a tendency to make me feel completely stoned for a little bit, so I take it at night.  Some people will have more side effects than others, and different medications will have different side effects, but the good news is that this isn't the 90s when you could expect to be taking a bucket of pills with horrible side effects and crazy meal restrictions at all hours of the day.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2009, 07:54:20 PM by physicsguy »

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2009, 09:35:51 PM »
Nycpoz, sorry to hear about your present diagnosis.  It is good however that you have joined these forums; you will be able to find support and information from many great people.  I for one am grateful for the kindness that some have offered: it has helped me feel much better within just (less than) two months of becoming infected/diagnosed and having started treatment.

Be sure to follow the advice offered by physicsguy: take good care of your body and mind.  Eating well, exercising, avoiding unnecessary stress, and making sure that you have a good support network will be crucial to your well-being.  This is a serious change in your life; how you approach it will lead to your staying healthy.  Staying strong mentally (and spiritually) is very important to you at this moment; see if you can confide in someone.  You should not be alone through this.

Like physicsguy (and several other members) I am on Atripla and it has been (after almost 6 weeks of being on it) quite good to my body --no side effects that I am aware of, and it is very easy to adhere to since you take it only once a day before bedtime. You will probably be having several tests soon to determine what treatment is best for you. 

I wish you well in all respects; you are going to be fine.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline GNYC09

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2009, 10:44:45 PM »
Thanks guys for kind words. I am still having a hard time digesting that i m poz. Based on my exposure, there is still a little hope in me. But, the feeling of being hiv poz is just killing me from inside.

If I am hiv poz, am I gonna be always sick? I had a huge career in front of me which goes down the drain. I work for a international bank, and as I am on work visa, my doctor advised me to have job all the time or I am looking at something that should not happen to someone of my age. I feel really insecure thinking about all that. I can't share is with my parents, have no brothers and sisters. I cann't risk telling my friends what is they just abandon me. They are my only pseudo support here.

Are there any meetup groups in NYC where I can make friends and share my situation.

NYCpoz, I'm sorry to hear the news about your test results.  I, like you, was devastated when I first received my diagnosis and also wondered if I'd always be sick + if my life was over.  It took me a while to realize that this isn't the case.  Take as much time as you need to absorb the news, to learn new ways to take care of your health and to talk with others in the same boat. I also couldn't share this news with my family and found support from therapy groups.  Friends in Deed, which Miss Philicia recommended, is great and, from what I hear, uplifting (and free). I personally go to GMHC which provides group therapy and one-on-one therapy (also free). Use these boards, plan for the long future ahead of you and be well.

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2009, 06:22:43 PM »
Thanks a lot guys.
I am going to attend friends indeed big forum today or tomorrow. I know it will take sometime to absorb the fact I am poz. I went out dinner with friends last night, and I was talking and joking, and then this feeling of reminder that I am not like any of them just makes you sad. My friends asked me couple of times about what is going on, as I looked lost at times.
At least I have friends here to talk to now.
I am planning to visit another doctor to have it checked through another lab. Hoping against the hope !

I cried less today compared to past few days, which have been really painful.

Offline Tryin2bhappy

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2009, 06:45:04 PM »
I felt the same way to .... If you need anyone to talk to I'm here I know how u feel sometimes I still be indenial.... But It will be ok....

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2009, 07:14:54 PM »
Thanks tryingtobehappy... I am trying very hard to be happy, but it just doesn't come. I lost weight due to some illness and then since past 2 weeks was eating very well. But since friday last week when I got this news, I am not able to swallow a thing. I hope this improve soon. I use to pray everyday, and haven't done so since friday.

hope things change soon !!

Offline jason35

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2009, 03:44:29 PM »
im sorry that you tested poz, i was lilke you in a lot of ways!!  alwas been safe when i had sex with guys and watching out for myself!!  but i messed up with this guy and bang hiv, that was may 2008!!!  it a bitter pill and i felt such a victim as the amount of sex i had compared to others is noting!

when i found out i had it was game over time, my race was run and i wasnt going tell anyone and sure as hell was not going to die of aids, i planned by sucide!!  but i didnt want to die and couldnt do it no matter how hard i tried!! so i had no choice i wasnt going anywhere so i had to  start living. man that was a good choice cause i love life and i never want to leave this planet, the way i was thinking then is totally incomprehensible to the way i think now!!

so i went on medication and started living, i take kaletra and truvada and ive had zero side effects and it easy to take, i take it when i get up before i go to work and then about 7 after my dinner!!  i try to eat well, fresh fruit, unprocessed good, juices etc but i still have plenty of burger king and pizza!! i go to the gym which i nevber did before!! i still go for my pints, i still have me csmokes with the lads and have a good time out!!  i try to keep it all as normal as possible and do what everone else does!!

ive been to the USA twice since i since i found out (never there before) i am going to cuba in october and then and am planning a trip on my own to vietnam and thiland for at least a month!!  as i say im getting busy living

it will be hard for a while but it sinks in, the treatment works and there no reson that you wont live a long and healthy life.  so kiddo your gona be ok,,  the guys here and me are here if you ever feel down;-)
x
never surrender

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2009, 03:50:50 PM »
I am trying very hard to be happy, but it just doesn't come.

I'll step in here and state that it's not always about "being happy" -- but it is about not being completely miserable.  Adjust your goal for your emotions to something more along the lines of "being balanced" and you might see some progress.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Online Joe K

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2009, 04:11:55 PM »
Miss P. has the right advice as only a balanced state will help you right now.  I know your mind is spinning and you are afraid, confused, frustrated, angry, etc., but all any of that will do is add to your stress level.  It is not unusual to take up to a year to adjust to testing poz, so please slow down, breath and realize that you are not in any immediate medical crisis.  Give yourself some time to really absorb the news of your infection.  There is no right or wrong way to adjust to being poz and you must find ways to help yourself and that starts by being good to you.  Allow yourself some time to do whatever you need, to start adjusting.

There are many lessons on this site that discuss various aspects of HIV, and when you are ready, you might want to start reading some of them.  Eventually you will need to educate yourself regarding HIV, but all of that can wait.  What matters now is that you take care of you and you get whatever support you need, from whatever source you can find.  Feel free to use these forums, as we have all been where you are now.

I promise that things will get better, but it will take time and you have all the time in the world.  Also, being poz does not mean the end of anything, rather the start of your new life being poz.  That life can be as rewarding and fulfilling as you want and I should know, I have been doing it for 25 years now.

Welcome to AIDSmeds

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2009, 08:25:51 PM »
Thank you everyone. Today is the first day since last friday that went without crying. I have been able to manage myself little better. I couldn't attend friends-indeed today as planned earlier, but I am thinking of watching a Yoga cd that I got few days back. I am trying to eat healthy as possible. But I will see a nutrinonist to see what I am eating is healthy or not.
Most positive people here are the ones who have loving relationships. I having very loving parents and adorable friends. But, I can't tell my parents. I am too scared to tell this to my friends, that I might not loose them. So, far I thought I would crumble in this lone battle, but I am getting little poz now.

All of you are in my mind and heart !!

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2009, 08:37:32 PM »
You will be fine NY... Good to hear that you are starting to feel emotionally better.  The tears will still come back here then, but you will notice that (probably not long from now) more days will pass without sadness.  And Be not afraid of losing those who love you: true friends will stand by you and support you through this.  Anyone who doesn't was just an acquaintance and you may be better off without them. 

Keep your faith, build dreams for the future, and be well! 

M.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline CHUCK610

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2009, 10:28:54 PM »
Hi nycpoz,

I saw your post under my thread and felt I had to reply. My wifes labs got screwed up twice by lab corp, the doctor finally talked to the head of lab corp who did the test personally we also had the state clinic do the test as well. The third set of tests came up negative, this was a rare lab screw up.

I however am definitely hiv poz, which like you was very devastating to me in the beginnig, I went through all the same emotions that you are going through. I finally did tell my parents, siblings and my closest friends. There reactions where not at all what I expected, they where very supportive and understanding and couldn't do enough to help me through this, without that support and the support I received from the great people on this forum I'm not sure where I would be right now.

I have been on meds for 6 weeks and my numbers are already improving, I got my second set of labs today witch showed my cd4 increased to 472 and my viral load went down to 260. I feel great, better than I have in a long time, I'm eating healthier, and living my life as I should be. I have a bad day from time to time, but not like it was in the beginning. You will also adjust, do not give up your dreams and goals you will have time to do everything you want to do, it took me a while to believe what everyone was telling me. Get a support system it is very important, see a therapist as I have been doing it is so helpfulll


And seek the support of the forum you will get through this as I did
Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #22 on: July 23, 2009, 08:39:55 AM »
Thank you Chuck. What made doctors and you think that lab reports were incorrect and go for re-test 3 times? The reason I am asking is because I never had any kind of risky sexual exposure, and was diagnosed HIV poz. This is the reason I am just thinking in all directions.

I have read your previous posts, and it great to hear that your are doing very good, and will do even better in future :)

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2009, 08:51:39 PM »
Never mind Chuck. My VLs came today at about 26K. No lab errors on WB i guess...

Offline positive5

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #24 on: July 25, 2009, 02:06:37 AM »
i am in the same situation- my husband and I have been married 10 years and have a daughter who is ten and half. Due to my husband 's CD4 count they are saying it is highly likely that we have been positive for more than 10 years but because we never got tested we do not know. They think our daughter is very likely to be positive- all of us have never spent a day in hospital or suffered any serious illnesses, colds have probably been once or twice a year. My husband had a serious chest infection last year- my daughter looks the picture of health- we have not got her tested because we just found out yesterday and i am numb- in denial anxious and depressed. How do i tell a child that she is positive- i just want all of it to go away- i keep thinking how is she going to live if she is positive. I understand and take comfort from what everybody has been saying to the original post but just want to cry and i cant. so to you i say that i am trying to find strength and hope i will accompany you on a journey of feeling stronger

Offline positivmat

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #25 on: July 25, 2009, 06:49:19 AM »
Sorry you are joining us here but welcome. Have both you and your husband been tested?  Get all 3 tested and confirmed. If you are confirmed, this is a absolutely the worst part and I feel for you. This forum is filled with people who are from all backgrounds and someone has been there before you. You will have each other. But each of you might have to express your grief separately to someone else. So get your family set up with support groups and/or therapist(s) if you can. I don't know much about children who are pos but there are others here who do. My thoughts are with you. You should start your pown posting separately so that others on this site will seel that you might have a whole family of issues. Also, that will allow us to follow your story in one thread.
Matt

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #26 on: July 25, 2009, 11:56:23 AM »
Sorry to hear about that. Trust me I can feel the pain. I have been diagnosed poz in a routine check last week, and my life has come upside-down. I have cried almost everyday. Worst part is I don't know how and why I got it.
This forum is a great place to share what you feel, and receive tons of other information. Have you gotten yourself and your daughter tested yet? There is always a small chance that you and daughter are not even infected.
Your family is in my mind and heart.

Offline positive5

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #27 on: July 25, 2009, 01:51:19 PM »
We are still wwaiting for my daughter and my results but there is no doubt that I am. Due to what the DRs said when they saw my husband i belive my daughter is too- and thats the hardest thing. thanks for the advice to stat my own thread- i think i will do that. I have been crying and thinking a lot regarding how i tel my daughter that i messed up her life-

Offline Ann

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #28 on: July 25, 2009, 02:17:42 PM »
Positive5,

Hang on. While doctors can SPECULATE on how long a person has been positive by looking at their CD4s, they CANNOT be sure. Some people's CD4 counts can go quite low - yes, even into the double digits - in as few as five years. Conversely, some people can have very high CD4s for years and years. Over a decade even.

Until you have your daughter's results, I suggest you don't tell her that she's positive based on supposition. Even if you were poz when you carried and gave birth to her, that doesn't necessarily mean she is also positive.

And if you haven't yet had your own results, there IS still doubt over your hiv status. We've had quite a few partners of positive people in these forums who didn't end up infected, despite having unprotected intercourse. You really need to wait on those results before you start assuming ANYTHING.

You really should start your own thread. At the top of any main page of the different forums, you'll see a line of buttons - Mark As Read - Notify - New Topic - New Poll. Click on the new topic button and start your thread. To post about your own concerns in someone else's thread is considered bad forum netiquette and is called thread hijacking. (and don't worry, we understand you're probably new to internet forums) And BTW, welcome to the forums.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline positive5

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #29 on: July 25, 2009, 06:01:25 PM »
nycpoz- I apologise i hiacked your post it was unitentional and i do hope that you find strength in what everybody who seems wise beyond rules of reason has been saying

Ann thanks for the forum netiquette lessons- i will remember them from now on I am seriously new to any forums at all . Thanks for the directions have started own thread

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #30 on: July 26, 2009, 01:25:34 AM »
Don't worry about the thread Hijack. I sincerely wish yours and your daughter's results are negative.

Offline mello000

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #31 on: July 26, 2009, 11:22:18 AM »
Miss Philica
I was able to find and post
I was simply too nervous  overlooking something so obvious
Again I am sorry to the gentleman that started this thread for posting
but it is the only way I know to  thank Miss Philica for her kindness
« Last Edit: July 26, 2009, 01:06:34 PM by mello000 »

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #32 on: July 26, 2009, 11:29:56 AM »
mello000, you should start your own separate thread and then I'm sure that many other newly poz forum members will be more than happy to talk with you.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #33 on: July 26, 2009, 11:36:25 AM »

You really should start your own thread. At the top of any main page of the different forums, you'll see a line of buttons - Mark As Read - Notify - New Topic - New Poll. Click on the new topic button and start your thread. To post about your own concerns in someone else's thread is considered bad forum netiquette and is called thread hijacking. (and don't worry, we understand you're probably new to internet forums) And BTW, welcome to the forums.

"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline CHUCK610

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #34 on: July 26, 2009, 09:58:18 PM »
nycpoz,

My initial viral load was over 20k, this meant for me that is was caught early. I had not been sick or anything. Now my viral load is at 260 and I am confident it will be undetectable at my next lab. I feel great physically, still adjusting mentally. Like you this was a complete shock to me. But I am getting better with it and getting back into a normal routine. It has been almost 3 months since I got the diagnosis and have been able to adjust my life to eating better, resting, and taking my meds when I am suppose to. Which is all things we are suppose to do weather we or poz or neg. I've been working on getting my social life back to semi normal and I am seeing a therapist which is helping me deal with some of my feelings. I wont lie to you I still have bad days now and again but they are fewer and further between.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you will get through this get support to help you sort it out if need be. My family and a few close friends have been awesome helping me through this. This forum was a tremendous help to me in the beginning when I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling. Rely on there support and trust in what they tell you.

We all have been down the road you are on and we all are here for you.
Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline WildcatCC

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #35 on: November 03, 2009, 04:05:31 PM »
I just stumbled upon your post and wondered how you were doing. It's been awhile since you've posted. I hope you are in a better place with the news of testing positive.

I do not claim to be an inspiration to anyone other then myself. What I can claim are several personal goals I have achieved since finding out I was HIV+ in April of 08. These include:

- a loving and understanding family after I disclosed my status
- completed a mini tri-athalon
- traveled extensively internationally
- surrounded myself with non-judgmental friends (neg and not neg)
- started taking up tennis lessons and recently competed in my first tournament
- start every day with a run/jog/walk along the beach and embrace being alive
- continue to share my life with a wonderful person (neg) who loves me unconditionally
- continue a skyrocketing career

These are but a few things I look forward to every single day. Yours will vary but you will (and I suspect by now have) find happiness.
Apr  08 - Diagnosed
Apr  08  cd4 8, vl 150k
Meds: Prezista/Norvir/Truvada
June 08 cd4 250, vl 1600
Aug  08 cd4 275, vl 450
Meds: Atripla
Nov  08  cd4  386, vl 255
Jan   09  cd4  415, vl 2100 (spike?)
Feb   09  cd4 460, vl 212
May   09  cd4 515, vl 1200
Aug   09  cd4 717, vl 1535 % 23
Sept  09  cd4 535  vl 1710 % 18
Oct   09  genotype shows mutation. Discussing w/ ID Doc
Nov  09   cd4 480  vl 650   % 19
Dec  09 genotype slight mutation to Epivir and Retrovir
Jan 10   cd4 508 vl 250 (21%)  low vitamin d - on supplement 2000 iu/day
Mar 15 Change to Isentress and Truvada
May 5 cd4 498 vl 1485
June 16 cd4 550 vl undect!!!! (finally dammit)

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #36 on: November 04, 2009, 09:13:28 PM »
I just stumbled upon your post and wondered how you were doing. It's been awhile since you've posted. I hope you are in a better place with the news of testing positive.

I do not claim to be an inspiration to anyone other then myself. What I can claim are several personal goals I have achieved since finding out I was HIV+ in April of 08. These include:

- a loving and understanding family after I disclosed my status
- completed a mini tri-athalon
- traveled extensively internationally
- surrounded myself with non-judgmental friends (neg and not neg)
- started taking up tennis lessons and recently competed in my first tournament
- start every day with a run/jog/walk along the beach and embrace being alive
- continue to share my life with a wonderful person (neg) who loves me unconditionally
- continue a skyrocketing career

These are but a few things I look forward to every single day. Yours will vary but you will (and I suspect by now have) find happiness.

Hi Wildcat. Thank you for posting this. This is really inspirational, especially after the article in NY mag few days back. I have promised my self to fight it till the end, though I get distracted by weird thoughts here and there. Generally speaking I am allright. The end to travel and immigration ban came as a pleasant surprise. I am too planning to travel around next year. I have business trips planned to UK and Germany, which I will extend into a vacation to see europe (if my health remains good !! :) ). Then I am also visiting India  Feb next year (yay!!!). I feel lonely sometimes, but will get used to it too.

Best regards,
H

Offline max123

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #37 on: November 05, 2009, 10:26:09 AM »
hi nyc,

i'm also glad to hear that you're doing okay. i remember having read some of your early posts, since we were both diagnosed about the same time. the whole hiv thing takes some getting use to and agreed, we have our moments, but everything will settle out. the traveling you have planned sounds great...especially india. that's one of my dream destinations. such cool culture & fantastic food, too ;)  take care.

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #38 on: November 09, 2009, 08:25:50 PM »
Thank you max123. I hope you are doing fabulous too. It is a very fascinating country with lot of tradition and culture (and prejudices). They say America is a land of opportunities, likewise India is a land of 'possibilities' :) ..

Best regards,
H

Offline max123

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #39 on: November 10, 2009, 08:42:11 PM »
hi again nyc.

i'm doing okay & learning how to wear my new skin. you know how it is  ;)

that's right & possibilities are frequently a good thing. have a fantastic time!

max
1/86 - 6/08 (annually): neg elisa
7/09: pos elisa/pos wb
8/09: cd4 560, cd4% 35, vl 13,050
12/09: cd4 568, cd4% 33, vl 2,690
4/10: cd4 557, cd4% 29.3, vl 6,440
7/10: cd4 562, cd4% 29.6, vl 3,780

Offline myendgame

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #40 on: November 15, 2009, 05:34:09 PM »
Hi NYC,

I can definitely relate to what you are feeling, especially at this young of an age. February of this year, at 26 years old,  found out I was positive after having a negative result last December. I too was floored and in complete shock. After I picked up myself (somewhat) I immediately researched the disease was relieved to learn this isn't the same disease it was in the 80s or even 5 years ago. Through a referral from my doctor, I found a wonderful HIV specialist who told me upon meeting her the first time "to not lose sight of my goals because I will be around to accomplish them." I have read a few HIV doctor horror stories on here so it is very important for you to find a specialist who is very knowledgeable, approachable and willing to take the time to answer any questions you may have.

The last 9 months have been an emotional rollercoaster but the blessing is I chose to have more ups than downs. You have your amazing trips to look forward to. Once I started meds I felt more in control of how I'm fighting this disease. I still laugh and act a fool with my friends and basically try to live in the moment more.

You mention you have no brothers or sisters to talk to and don't want to disclose to your friends. I understand that because you yourself need time to process all this. I've chosen not to tell anyone in my family and have only told one close friend who has been extremely supportive. If you ever need advice anything feel free to send me a PM- you have a virtual shoulder to cry on.  Hang in there, man, things will get better.
Dec 08 Seroconversion
Feb 12 09: Diagnosis
Feb 26 09: CD4 380 / VL 39,000
Started Atripla March 30th 09
May 1 09: CD4 450 / VL 310!!!

Offline jm1953

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #41 on: November 23, 2009, 07:35:53 PM »
Hello all, I am 27 yrs straight guy in NYC. I have just been tested poz (elissa and wb). I had sex only 3 times in my life and all protected. Last time I had sex was when I was 24 years. Few months back I had oral sex (unprotected) with my ex-gf (only she went down). We had this thing probably couple of times. In june I developed severe tonsillitis infection. The infection was over in 2 weeks. I went to see my doctor again and he asked me about my sexual exposures, and based on what I described he said no testing required. But, since I was never tested before I asked him for a test.
2 weeks later I got shocker of my life that I am hiv+. I couldn't believe it. I found it last friday and cried entire weekend thinking what went wrong. I found a post by chuck saying that his wife tested positive on WB, but later was found negative. My doctor says these tests are 100%. I again discussed my exposure with my doctor and he send for the test again, alongwith many more tests. I am extremely depressed. I have no brothers and sisters, and can't tell my parents. I am battling this alone which is getting very difficult.



Please share some advise on my situation.

Many regards.

I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone....it really feels that way once you test positive.  I still remember the day I found out and that was 22 years ago. 

The good news is they have life saving medications out there now which they didn't when I tested positive.  So being HIV is deemed more as a chronic illness rather than terminal like it was in the 80's and early 90's. 

The other good news is having access to forums like this.  Just from the amount of responses you have received you can see how caring and compassionate the members of this forum are.

If no one else has suggested you may want to find a good counselor, if you don't have on already, who can help you through this process.  Also a support group offered by your local AIDS Service Organization, or another AIDS organization could be helpful.  When I found out my doctor referred me to a counselor who has a lot of experience in this area and he was a tremendous help.  I also joined a support group for HIV positive men and that was amazingly helpful.

Just remember you are not alone. 

Hope this helps,

jm1953
Positive 25 years. 7/21/2012 Current CD 4: 780 Viral load: less than 50. 38 to 40%
Current drug regimen, Isentress, , Emtriva, Sustiva Wellbutrin, Klonipin, Allegra, Ambien, Testosterone, Nandrolone, Vicodin, Benedryl, Aspirin, lots of vitamin supplements.

Offline nycpoz

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #42 on: December 01, 2009, 11:56:37 PM »
Thank You myendgame and jim1953.. You kind words and support means a lot :)... I owe a lot to members of this forum


Offline worriedchen

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #43 on: December 09, 2009, 10:52:57 PM »
nycpoz, read throught your post and found out that you don't have any risk exposures but still get it. Hard to believe. Sorry man.

Online Andy Velez

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Re: tested poz: denial, very anxious, depressed
« Reply #44 on: December 10, 2009, 09:30:55 AM »
Chen, you are not HIV positive. Our rules on the site are that HIV negative members can only post in AM I INFECTED or if appropriate, in the SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT HAS HIV Forums.

Please follow that rule in the future. Thanks for your cooperation.
Andy Velez

 


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