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Author Topic: Doctor's adviced (U don't need to use a condom if u both have the same virus)  (Read 7045 times)

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Offline dizzy42

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Hi to all and hope all are doing well,

I asked my doctor in present of my boyfriend if we have to use a condom since we are both HIV.  She stated that because we both have the same virus, both taking atripla and both undetectable, we don't have to use a condom.  However, she did also mentioned that because she is our doctor, she has to say we should use a condom but, if she was in our situation she wouldn't.  She said if we both agree to be faithful and continue to take our medicine and both are undectable, we don't have to use a condom.  I'm confused?  I know we should use a condom but, part of me don't want too.  My boyfriend insists of using condoms and stated he doesn't want to have any problems with the virus.  I feel that he is afraid of making things worst.  As far as oral sex is concern, he has withdraw from having oral sex on me but, I continue to have oral sex on him and feel that that isn't a problem for him.  I feel like he withdraw from me in a sexual way.  At times I get mad because he gave me the virus.  Then I think and focus on the positive side of life (we still have each other) so, I continue and try to be the same person I was before knowing I had the HIV virus.  I'm trying to live a normal life with him but, I feel he has changed with me.  Kissing has stopped also.  Don't know what I'm feeling now.  I love him dearly and I know he loves me too.  He always checks up on me, making sure i am taking my med's , vitamins, that I'm eating and rested.  I just feel like he might be seeing me as a big disease and is keeping his distance at times.  Is this normal in a HIV relationship?  Or is this just me?  Need some advise please. 

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Dizzy, Welcome to the Forums. You pose a good question. I have been wondering the same since I just started a relationship with someone who is poz. I am guessing we have different strains of the virus since we got them from our exes. We are not on the same meds though. I am sure one of our wise ladies will come along with an answer for you.

As far as the bf being a bit distant, have you tried talking to him about it? I also think it is a bit selfish that he has no problem with you being oral with him but he doesn't return the favor. But that is just me. I think he is just being cautious as far as using a condom with you, so you really can't fault him for that. I guess it depends on a person's comfort level as far as both being infected and not using any protection. I think you have a lot you want to get off your chest. You should join us in the ladies thread....

Now where is is our condom queen Ann hiding? If anyone would have an answer for you, she would. She knows her stuff when it comes to condoms and this virus...*paging Ann, Goddess of the ROck*
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
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Offline dizzy42

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lol  would love to hear from the condom queen.

I agree with him being selfish.  No I have not talked to him yet in details.  Don't know how to present this to him.  Don't know why, I had to be the one to tell him he was positive.  We found out we were positive in March 2009 when I went for my yearly HIV testing.  Is it to soon to question him?  We both took it hard.  After finding out there was no sex at all for about a month and a half.  So, I should be greatful that he is opening up slowly right?  :-/  I will join you guys  :-)  thank you

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Dizzy, is it worth taking the chance of making more complications with the virus?

How do you know for sure that you have the same strain of the virus?  Because your doctor told you?  What if some pieces of the puzzle are missing and you don't have the same virus?  You are looking at this through rose-colored glasses, GF.  The problem with HIV is that the virus is constantly mutating and changing.  I believe that is why there has been no cure found for it.  Perhaps Moderator Ann can shed some light on this.

No offense, but its crazy to not use condoms.  Crazy, no matter what, IMO.  Read my story in Long Term Survivors.  I have only NOT used condoms 2 or 3 times in my life, and one of those times is when I got infected.  I could kick myself.

Be careful, please.   http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11342.50#bot  Reply #93

~ Cindy
« Last Edit: July 03, 2009, 11:51:54 AM by MOONLIGHT1114 »
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Ann

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Cindy,

Dizzy also posted this question in the Living forum. Click here to read the thread.

I stand by everything I said in that thread -


As long as you two are not picking up other STIs outside your relationship, there's no real reason to use condoms. My partner and I are both poz and we have never once used a condom - not with each other anyway.



Now I was told by my doc that it is NOT good to have sex with another pozzie without a condom regardless if you're undetectable because of something about building a resistance to the meds the other is taking. Is this true or not? From what I am reading here, it doesn't seem to be.

No, it's not true. The problem is if the person is resistant to any of the meds and if they're NOT undetectable, there is a small chance of them re-infecting you with their resistant form of the virus. The danger is from their virus, not from their meds. While this has happened, it is VERY rare and it seems it has only happened when the person being re-infected had a very new infection to begin with.

My bf and I never use condoms. He's on meds, has no resistance issues and is undetectable, and I'm NOT on meds and also have no resistance issues. We can't reinfect each other and we have the same virus anyway - he's the person from whom I acquired my virus in the first place.


Dizzy,

You're bf is only going to make you sick by having unprotected intercourse with him if he has another sexually transmitted infection. He's not going to give you hiv again. There are some members of this forum who are ultra-cautious on this point, but I'm not telling you anything I don't believe and practice in my own life.

However, if sex with a condom is what makes him happy at this point in time, then go with the flow. It's very early days for you guys and he'll become more comfortable in time. Unless you're one of those people who has a sensitivity to latex or otherwise hates condoms, there's really no reason to push the issue - for now, anyway.

And the thing about him not going down on you anymore is kinda silly, if you don't mind me saying that. Saliva is NOT infectious, and not only that, but going down on an hiv positive woman isn't a risk for him either, even if he were still hiv negative. Tell him to wise up and get himself down there. ;)


There's no reason for her and her boyfirend to use condoms.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline rtony123

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hi dizzy,
 i understand your situation. my gf and i have pov for the pats 3 years. can't say who has the one who brought this upon us and it really doesn't matter. we were both out there so it could have been any one of us. but we did have unprotected sex for about a year although our dr. said we shouldn't. none of us got sicker and we are still undetectable but our sex life has pretty much ended.

it's not fair that you have to stay with someone just because you both share a secret although you're not happy with him  but you don't want to go "out there".

We need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and find someone pov or not who can appreciate us for who we are.

that's my 2 cents.

Tone

Offline Ann

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Tone,

As a man, you should not be posting in the Women's forum. Dizzy also asked this question in the Living forum, and I linked to that thread in my post above. You should have commented in the Living forum thread.

Please do not post in the Women's forum again. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline dizzy42

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Looks like I will be using condoms .  I know I should have not done this but, something told me too.  I checked his cell phone and saw all the text messages he was sending to three girls.  One of whom he was texting the most and making plans to meet with her.  I checked this last week and I am soooo hurt.  All these text were done in Nov thur Feb 2008.  Before I found out he gave me HIV.  Once we both found out in March he stopped hanging out, drinking, clubing, etc.  I confronted him last week and he was in shock.  He stated that he has changed and is no longer contacting them or hanging out with them or wants anything to do with meeting any other women.  He stated that he didn't have sex with them that is was just texting.  I don't believe him and I don't think I can ever trust him 100%.  But I feel that I can't walk away.  I'm HIV and feel so angry at myself.  I do love him and want to trust him and part of me does in a way cuz, he stop drinking and hanging out, but part of me don't trust him.  Now I'm really feeling lost.  I just don't want to get out of bed or go to work.  Cant stop crying.  thinking if what he is telling me is for real.  Now that we are both HIV he wants to change.  I dont' understand.  Is he with me now and wants a future with me because he feels that we are stuck together because of our status and he cant meet any one?  I'm lost.  dont know what to do.  he has showed me how much he cares and loves me, he has cried and begged me not to leave him.  i just dont know if he is being honest now, should i forgive and try to forget?  soooo hurt right now and mad at the same time.  He always told me that I have to trust him.   

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Hi Dizzy,

Under the circumstances, using condoms is the right thing to do. If the trust isn't there, it isn't there. You don't want to find out the hard way that you still  can't trust him by ending up with another STI.

However, saying that, people can and do change. The guy I'm currently with is the guy from whom I aquired my infection back in 1997. (I didn't know until 2001, long story) I knew he was playing away and I thought the worst he could bring home to me was chlamydia - how wrong was I? The ONLY thing he brought home was hiv. We split up for quite a few years - years during which we were both diagnosed.

And he has  changed. We've both changed and for the better in both cases. We're not back together because we think we have to be in order to not be alone (because of our status) but because we've both grown up and are now better, more honest people. We have our ups and downs, like anyone, but I do (now) trust him implicitly. But it took time.

You say you love your man and so maybe it's worth working on and saving the relationship. The only thing that will tell is time - and always keep in mind that ACTIONS speak much louder than words. He can tell you he's trustworthy until he's blue in the face, but if you start catching him in lies or get that womanly sixth sense that he's up to no good, then pay attention.

I know I'm glad I gave my man a second chance. Things aren't perfect, but I love him to bits and I know, without doubt, that he loves me too. And I also know I can trust him.

Listen to and trust in your intuition, Dizzy. It won't steer you far wrong.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hugs,
Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline dizzy42

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Thanks Ann,

It's going to be really hard for me to trust him again cuz I am one who will always remember those who hurt me.  I'm so hurt and just can't stop the tears from running down my face.  Like you said, only time will tell.  I just wish I can get up and be strong.  I'm happy that things worked out for you and your BF and hoping that it will work out for us too.  thanks again

Offline Ann

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You're welcome, hun.

You CAN be strong and you will. Your hurt is very understandable, but that doesn't make you weak. Far from it - it just makes you human.

The best advice I can give you is to follow your intuition and gut instincts. After all, that's what led you to finding out about the text messages in the first place. Trust your intuition! The only times I've really screwed up is when I ignored that little voice inside.

And please, always remember that you don't have to stay in this relationship out of fear of being alone. Sometimes it's better to be alone - it's better than living with constant mistrust. Don't ever let your hiv status stop you from living your life to the full. There are plenty of men out there, both hiv poz and neg, who would love to have a caring, compassionate woman by their side. And I have a feeling that's who you are - a caring, compassionate and STRONG woman.

By all means, give yourself time to grieve and nurture your wounds. Trust your intuition where your man is concerned and try to keep an open mind. In time, you'll know what's what.

Hang in there and remember, you've got us to turn to.

Hugs,
Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline dizzy42

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thank you,  a big hug for u

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Hi Dizzy~

I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt, but I am glad that you looked at those texts and found out the truth.

Sometimes its OK to be selfish and put yourself first.  Be safe and hang in there.

~ Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline dizzy42

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Thanks Cindy, 

I will be safe and will start putting myself first from now on.  You guys are great.

Offline mimi1965

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Always use condoms!!!
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2009, 11:57:27 AM »
:oHello Ladies!!!!  I have read thru some of the forums on condom use and I say always use a condom...in a relationship when both are poz or not unless you know each othrs status and are both neg...even if you are undetectable you can still pass on the virus...I cannot imagine why a doctor would even suggest not using a condom when both partners are poz...that is crazy and careless!!!!  I am in a relationship and by sweetheart is neg....no matter what we use condoms...as far a oral sex is concerned there are dental dams for use and also agian consoms...you must remember to protect yourself at all times...this is the only way you can stay healthy....anyone care to comment by all means go for it.....Mimi
Always, Mimi

Offline BT65

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Re: Doctor's adviced (U don't need to use a condom if u both have the same virus)
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2009, 06:39:55 PM »
Mimi, I hope that Ann, one of the moderators, will post about this, because she can really explain it better than anyone on these forums.

I've been with another positive person (man), and we never used condoms, and I never got a "different strain" of the virus.  As far as oral sex goes, saliva provides a barrier for the HIV; people don't get HIV from oral sex.  Am I saying this never happened?  No.  I'm saying it's not very likely. 

I, for one, (and I've been diagnosed 20 years), wouldn't use a condom with another poz person, unless I suspected they had some type of VD (venereal disease), like trich, clap, syphilis etc.    If the guy was negative, of course I would suggest using a condom.  I say suggest, because my 2nd husband wouldn't wear one (he always tested negative), and the last guy I had a relationship wouldn't wear on either (and he's always tested negative). 

In other words, what's right for you doesn't make it right for everyone.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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Re: Doctor's adviced (U don't need to use a condom if u both have the same virus)
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2009, 05:50:01 AM »

Mimi, I hope that Ann, one of the moderators, will post about this, because she can really explain it better than anyone on these forums.


Well, there's not a lot I can add to what I said earlier in the thread.

Mimi, of course you and your partner should use condoms - your partner is hiv negative. The OP (original poster) and her partner are both poz, and she originally got it from him (like me and my poz partner) so as long as she can trust him to not be having sex outside their relationship, then there's no reason why they need to use condoms. And it's not irresponsible for their doctor to suggest it either. In my case, our doctor knows we dont' use condoms and we have his blessings. Well, after he had both of us do a full STI panel. We tested negative for everything except the obvious. (er, the obvious being hiv, in case it wasn't ... er ... obvious!)

And actually Mimi, there are serodiscordant couples who are trying for a baby the natural way, provided the poz partner is stable and undetectable on meds for at least six months. While many healthy, hiv negative babies have been born this way, none of the negative partners have ended up poz as a result of having unprotected intercourse in order to conceive.

Oh, and if you're going to use dental dams for oral, you might as well give it a miss. It doesn't feel like anything - for either person. I'd rather watch paint dry.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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