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Author Topic: My brother won't eat my food.  (Read 692 times)

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Offline newvoyage

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My brother won't eat my food.
« on: July 29, 2014, 07:28:34 AM »
I am a 43-year old gay guy who recently moved back into my parents' home because of their age and declining health. (I make life easier for them.)

My 32-year old brother lives here permanently while he is studying for his PhD. He is very intelligent in his subject of choice, but is clueless about anything else in the world. (In other words, he couldn't survive a single day in the real world.)

The problem is this: I like to cook. I make all sort of things, i.e., pizza, steak, chicken dishes and so on. A few months ago, I finally realized that whenever I cook, he never takes any of my food. It has become obvious that he has contamination fears (yes, this from a PhD student).

I told my other brother about this, and he said, "I do have to tell you that he has approached me and said that he is afraid to eat your food because you are hiv+."

I am truly disgusted, even furious. I have to exist in this house with him around, and, quite frankly, I want to smash his face in, if you know what I mean. I am almost consumed by anger and disgust for my brother.

How do I deal with this? Has this happened to anyone else? How do you get around this?

Offline zach

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2014, 07:41:08 AM »
two brothers, and father to four sons. thats where i'm coming from here.

tea bag his drink, get the other brothers to do it as well, serve chilled, photograph.

then totally call him out, you're the big brother, don't take that shit

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2014, 07:53:28 AM »
Its enraging and its also pitiable and pathetic.  However whats the point of you having  huge blowup?  I think you should directly discuss it in front of everyone including your parents.  Tell your brother its irrational and also rude and if he doesn't want to eat your stuff, tough shit. He doesn't have to come to table when you have cooked. I mean what is the situation? You are talking about sit down dinners or everyone eats when it is convenient for the individual?  If its the latter, then just speak your mind to everyone once, and move on. His loss.  As you have described, he has a limited social intelligence and you shouldn't let him push your buttons.  Poor thing he is.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline wolfter

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2014, 07:58:32 AM »
You're not responsible for others' ignorance, just in how you react to it.  And the fact that you want to "smash" his face in indicates there are some other deep seated issues.

There may just be other dynamics at play here.
productivity breeds content

Offline newvoyage

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2014, 08:04:57 AM »
Yes, there are other issues. He takes advantage of his/my elderly parents. He sits around all day and plays video games. When 5 o'clock rolls around, the inevitable "hey ma, can I borrow twenty-bucks?" comes up. Of course, when I said I wanted to "smash his face in," I meant it figuratively. I would never hurt my brother. I love my brother.

It really is enraging, however, to live in a house with someone who has such a belief. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm a walking bio-hazard. (I know everyone here understands.) I cannot understand how someone like him (who happens to be a member of the "Mensa Society") could believe such a thing.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2014, 08:08:12 AM »

How do I deal with this? Has this happened to anyone else? How do you get around this?

You deal with it like adults deal with anything -- pull him aside, have a private conversation, state your case and present him with supporting documentation if you think it's necessary. Then explain how utterly offensive the entire thing is.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline newvoyage

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2014, 08:14:30 AM »
I agree that a private conversation is called for. The problem is that he knows the facts. I see hints of OCD in him, so I don't know if it would help.

It's just so upsetting. He loves pizza. Last night, I cooked a delicious homemade pizza. Everyone in the family enjoyed it. He didn't take a single slice. Instead, he went to the freezer and cooked one of those cheap frozen pizzas you buy in the supermarket. I could cite many more examples.

He's not a "bad" person, but as someone else here suggested, he has virtually non-existent social intelligence. In fact, he has no friends, because it just isn't there. I can have the talk with him, but it wouldn't do any good.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2014, 08:19:53 AM »
Have the talk anyway. At least in your mind you can say you made the effort.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline newvoyage

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2014, 08:22:03 AM »
I am definitely considering having the talk. However, one thing that holds me back is the belief that he won't change, and that it will become very awkward when I cook or serve food. He knows the facts; it has to be emotion-based. I almost always believe that things should be brought out in the open, but on this one, I wonder if I should let sleeping dogs lie. Thanks for your support!

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2014, 08:38:46 AM »
Well it already IS awkward.  You have to talk to him, and then you can move on and not let it push your buttons. You are not doing him any favours letting him be so incredibly rude and stupid without calling him out and giving it your best college try.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline newvoyage

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2014, 10:33:24 AM »
Thank you *all* for your answers. I appreciate each and every one. I do feel much, much better now. This is not the kind of stuff you can hold in. I am going to think on these things and will decide how to move forward very soon, based on the suggestions here.

Offline initforlife

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2014, 10:51:54 AM »
Hi New. I had a sister who was the same way at first.  kept acting like she was going to catch something from me.. wouldn't eat anything I cook or she thought I touched. We were on a trip one day and I yell at her and Said you can't not get it like that. and told her to go read up on it she was being an idiot. I too love my sister but people fear what they don't understand.  She is better toward me now. but I still doesn't understand it all but love her dearly! You need to talk with your brother. and Good luck!
I should have known he was bi

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2014, 11:15:00 AM »
Does your brother bleach the toilet seats in the house on an hourly basis?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline YellowFever

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2014, 12:01:33 PM »
The relatives who know I have HIV used to avoid sharing utensils and food. But that was until they saw how I shared food and utensils with the other relatives that didn't know about my HIV. The penny finally dropped then.

Of course, hopefully your brother has enough brain cells to deduce that if HIV could be passed that way, we'd ALL have been infected.
08/2010 HIV- 08/2012 HIV+
10/2012 CD4 415(15%)
04/2013 CD4 457(15%)
10/2013 CD4 520 (20%) VL 650 (wtf?)
02/2014 CD4 410(20%) VL 390 (yay!)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2014, 12:12:32 PM »
It really boggles my mind that this happens in 2014. All of these people go out to restaurants I assume and never question if they chef and waitstaff have HIV?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline zach

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2014, 12:28:03 PM »
contaminated apples are the new transmission risk, haven't y'all heard?!?

Offline drewm

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2014, 12:36:11 PM »
Explain to him how offensive uneducated morons are and then educate him.  ;)
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2014, 12:44:07 PM »
Explain to him that if analilingus is not a risk for HIV he is safe with the pizza .

Offline initforlife

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  • Posts: 77
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2014, 12:45:52 PM »
contaminated apples are the new transmission risk, haven't y'all heard?!?
    Wow I guess people are having sex with apples now? LOL -
I should have known he was bi

Offline OneTampa

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  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2014, 01:53:59 PM »
Wow!  And in this day and age.

Plus your brother is going for a Ph.D.? I feel the urge to substitute clever words for Ph.D. but I will restrain myself.

Good responses from others on the boards here.

I agree with having the talk with him. It is also good to know that you still love your brother. That should be communicated when you speak with him.  Hopefully his brain synapses will process this input and generate love and compassion for you in return.

I encourage you to not diminish your body, mind, and soul through the course of all this though.

Take care.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaŪto frito."

Offline thunter34

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  • Posts: 7,305
  • His name is Carl.
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2014, 02:54:38 PM »
See...this is where my age with this disease and general "over-it-ness" comes into play.

I'd love it if people would keep their grubby paws out of my food - especially when it's something home prepared by or for me.

In fact, I may even start saying, "I think I may have gotten AIDS in that" for the really good stuff.

We'll see.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline wolfter

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2014, 03:09:56 PM »
This situation seems like a mere symptom of a much larger problem.  Since the OP has no posting history, it's difficult to gauge what else could be occurring. 

productivity breeds content

Offline Joe K

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2014, 03:43:10 PM »
Of course you can't get HIV from food.  As Pat Robertson claims, we all have AIDS rings, so when we shake hands with folks, a little pin under the ring transmits HIV.

Joe

Offline Dachshund

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2014, 03:53:29 PM »
Can you get AIDS from ramps?

Offline Joe K

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #24 on: July 29, 2014, 06:06:15 PM »
Hey New

All joking aside, I think this issue is far broader than just your brother not wanting to eat food that you prepare.  Does this have any connection to your own feelings regarding your infection?  Do you somehow feel unworthy or unclean?

I ask this as most of us have felt this way, at one time or another, during our adjustment to being poz.  There is nothing wrong if you experience such feelings, however it would help to explain why his actions are so hurtful to you.

Joe

Offline Tonny2

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  • Posts: 167
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2014, 08:02:46 PM »
Yes, there are other issues. He takes advantage of his/my elderly parents. He sits around all day and plays video games. When 5 o'clock rolls around, the inevitable "hey ma, can I borrow twenty-bucks?" comes up. Of course, when I said I wanted to "smash his face in," I meant it figuratively. I would never hurt my brother. I love my brother.

ojo   Hi new

I'd give him a hug and have the conversation, it is what it is, you want to eat, ok, you don'y want to eat, I'm sorry...do not feel bad, you have enough problems trying to feed the rest of the family, and your own problems, to deal with your brother, if he wants to eat frozen pizza, so be it...good luck, and live your life              ojo

Offline 2tcells

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  • Posts: 77
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2014, 08:20:52 PM »
I didn't read everyone else replys but maybe he just dosnt know how its spread and is afraid to get it. explain what the risks are and what isn't a risk, when I first got this I was afraid to kiss my kids and I wouldn't share food with them because I was completely uneducated on hiv and how its transmitted now I know how it works and its not an issue.... sometimes people just don't know any better and need some info
7-4-13 diagnosed cd4- 2      vl-220,600
8-3-13                     cd4- 4      vl- 448
9-3-13                     cd4- 40    vl- ud
11-3-13                   cd4- 54    vl-ud
1-9-14                     cd4- 62    vl- 43
4-3-14                     cd4- 110  vl-ud yay!

Offline weasel

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2014, 09:08:27 PM »


    Hey newvoyage   ,
                                 Nice to meet you  :)

      I have three sister in laws that come to visit Bob & I 
      Having paper coffee cups and plates with plastic utensils
      has been a must for the past TEN YEARS !
       They will eat my food , GOD only knows why ,  one of them won't .
     but the rest will not eat off of my fine dinner ware that the dishwasher
     sanitizes quite well .   
       They bring " foods "   with them .    It takes over an hour to drive and they bring foods I would not eat left out for 15 minutes !
      It is ignorant and insulting .
       I think it's time to set your brother down and GET IN HIS FACE !
       He is obviously not stupid , but just wants to start trouble .
      Not unheard of to have siblings wishing to be the " Favorite " when it comes  to the family Jewels   :o   
         Years ago I set my brother straight to the pecking order of my parents
      estate ; oddly enough , and I believe it , he had no clue he was overstepping the inheritance game . After a rather short talk , all was back to normal .
     Do not let your brother overstep the fact you are alive and well !

                                      Wishing you the best ,
                                                                               Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline tryingtostay

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2014, 10:01:39 PM »
Two choices I see.  Don't worry about it if he doesn't want to eat your food then he'll have to fend for himself. Not your problem but I understand families stick together and are there for one another and that you are trying to care by helping him with dinner...

His reaction is natural.  I never wanted HIV, who does?  If he doesn't have time to listen and learn a little then bottom line is he is not caring but look for some sort of sign that he like a willingness to hear you out over a simple message before being abrupt and aggressive towards him about it. It's just food.  Does he eat on his own? 

It is sort of a shame that he doesn't want to be educated over it though, and that's where I can empathize with you but I can't pass any more judgement because he surely has a life to deal with of his own, and I've found no matter who it is you can't expect people to care, and if they do it's not for long.  Even family in my experience.

I only mentioned the choice that matters.  Just be happy.  Your happiness is more important for your own good over anything else in this world.
Labs:
March 2014: CD4 1730 @ 41%, VL 87 without meds
May 2014: CD4 1309 @ 42%, VL <20 without meds

Offline tryingtostay

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #29 on: July 29, 2014, 10:37:31 PM »
why is there no edit button for our posts, sigh - i know there is but what's with the timer.. 5 minutes or so after a post and it can't be edited?  *shakes fists at teh sky*
Labs:
March 2014: CD4 1730 @ 41%, VL 87 without meds
May 2014: CD4 1309 @ 42%, VL <20 without meds

Offline drewm

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  • Mmmmmm Hmmmmmm!
Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2014, 10:43:57 PM »
Of course you can't get HIV from food.  As Pat Robertson claims, we all have AIDS rings, so when we shake hands with folks, a little pin under the ring transmits HIV.

Joe

Where is my AIDS ring???? Where is it???? :o
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline tednlou2

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #31 on: Yesterday at 02:20:16 AM »
You discussed him having OCD, which often entails germ issues.  Does he eat food prepared by others?  Just playing Devil's advocate that he may do this regardless.

Modified:

Never mind.  I just saw the part about what your other brother said. 

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My brother won't eat my food.
« Reply #32 on: Today at 02:10:30 AM »
Doesn't like your cooking? Let the cunt starve, I say.

But really Miss P has the goods on this:

You deal with it like adults deal with anything -- pull him aside, have a private conversation, state your case and present him with supporting documentation if you think it's necessary. Then explain how utterly offensive the entire thing is.

MtD

 


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