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Author Topic: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis  (Read 178 times)

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Offline zach

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first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« on: Yesterday at 12:24:18 PM »
 ::) so yeah, i've been dating for a little while. i've known this girl for many years. we used to do the dirty in college, so the chemistry is there.

i disclosed months ago. she took it in amazing stride. was pissed i hadn't called her immediately at diagnosis to tell her. in fact, she took it too well. "i trust you, if you say it's safe, it's fine" beyond that she hasn't asked any questions at all.

i'm not entirely comfortable with that, i mean trust is great but i want her to be making a informed decisions. and maybe a part of my misgivings are still wrapped up in self stigma.

so, is there a website targeted towards educating the negative side of a magnetic relationship?

a book "so, you want to date a pozzie?"

anything along those lines? or am i on my own educating her?

(did i ask this same question a few weeks ago? it's been on my mind alot)

now that i have a script for "male enhancement pills"  ;) i'll be filling in a couple weeks... we've got some plans


Offline Lightfighter

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Re: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« Reply #1 on: Yesterday at 04:56:48 PM »
As you know my wife are in the same boat. We've learned together. It could be a way for y'all as well. Sure, you're a wealth of info on here, but you never know what you might have forgotten or you might find something new.

If I may ask, what are y'alls plans as far as protection?  I'm not UD yet so the wife and I still use condoms. She is open to not using them once she's done more research and see proof positive (yes, pun intended) that the risks are so minute that you could call it safe.

With regards to that I'm all for it on one side, but the other side worries about that extremely small chance.

What's your take?

Offline zach

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Re: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« Reply #2 on: Yesterday at 07:16:15 PM »
we'll use condoms for a good while, she'd be cool now, and really so would i... i've been UD for a good while

i'll be honest, even the other pozzies i've been with i've used condoms. not because of any fears, but i haven't been in a long term monogamous relationship since well before my diagnosis, not even sure if that is a direction i'll go again

my take on your situation, you're married, once you've achieved UD reliably, you could start thinking about it

the board has had some back and forth over exactly how we interpret "reliably"... how long to be undetectable before you feel confident in that

we should probably have that talk here again, a fresh crop of you guys is probably thinking about it

leatherman!

Offline Lightfighter

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Re: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 07:52:10 PM »
Yeah. My doc told my wife if she was comfortable with it then there should be no issues. It somewhat took us aback at first, along with the ID rather have HIV over diabetes.

After talking and researching we kind of see why on both accounts. Sticking with the UD transmission risk, even Joel Gallant states in his blog, UD patients do not transmit. I think she's cautiously optimistic.

In your situation I totally understand why. The risk of a secondary infection is too great and about the last thing any of us need.

Offline leatherman

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Re: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« Reply #4 on: Yesterday at 08:26:50 PM »
i'll be honest, even the other pozzies i've been with i've used condoms. not because of any fears, but i haven't been in a long term monogamous relationship since well before my diagnosis, not even sure if that is a direction i'll go again
TBH, I use condoms all the time irregardless of my partner's status. After my first partner passed away, I was super freaky about having sex with anyone; but horniness won out. ;) pf course, I believe my infection stops with me, so I always disclosed and used condoms.

Then we (erroneously....more on that shortly) believed my second partner was negative, so that was a continued incentive to wrap it up. Now with partner #3 who is also a pozzie, I use them because, frankly, they make sex better. Not only does it make clean-up a bit easier; but (with enough good lube) it helps keep things sliding during the act.

Now, partner #2 did pass away from AIDS; but not because I infected him. Sadly, testing issues allowed him to pass away. Although I know a lot more now all these years later, back then I just assumed because he said he had tested negative in the past, that he was still negative then. Looking back, I know that his assumptions of being negative were unfounded, as he had not tested in 6 months when we got together, and he had had unprotected sex with people of unknown status in that same 6 month period. In actuality, he was poz by the time we got together and went nearly a decade without any knowledge of it... nor any treatment.

the most important lesson that I learned from my partner dying was a lesson I've passed on here several times. Sero-discordant coupling is all fine and dandy (TasP works... more on that in a minute... and PrEP works); however, just in case, for a worst case scenario, for heaven's sake, make sure the negative partner still gets tested several times a year. Although I have no doubts about TasP or PrEP, IF somehow transmission and infection would occur, you'll want your partner to find out As Soon As Possible. That way the newly infected partner could start treatment asap. Or you could do what we did, never test and suddenly find your partner dead of AIDS after 69 days of hell. :o :'(

my take on your situation, you're married, once you've achieved UD reliably, you could start thinking about it

the board has had some back and forth over exactly how we interpret "reliably"... how long to be undetectable before you feel confident in that

we should probably have that talk here again, a fresh crop of you guys is probably thinking about it

leatherman!
Tasp (treatment as prevention) has pretty much been proven by the PARTNERS study (not to mention a lot of studies about conception with serodiscordant straight couples). After 5 years of sex between pozzies and neggies (both straight and gay) with literally 100s of thousands of unprotected sex acts (through "blips", and flus, and god knows what!) and there has not been one case of HIV transmission. The gay poz partners had all been at least 3 years undetectable and the straight poz partners had all been UD for at least 5 years. Unfortunately though the study has not yet determined exactly how long someone needs to be consistently UD to have TasP work; but once someone has been UD a yr or two, I would certainly suggest TasP as an option for serodiscordant sex (or course, minus any issue of other STI, etc)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

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Offline Lightfighter

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Re: first serodiscordant relationship since diagnosis
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 09:07:36 PM »
Thanks for the info leatherman. You certainly are a wealth of knowledge.

The time being UD was the only question we were really wondering about. We both are on board with TASP being effective and have see the results. I guess my question is UD UD?  Does time of being UD matter? 

Back to zach.....Man I really think you could be the best educator for her. You can always phone a friend with leatherman, but to me, I feel like someone taking the time to inform me the ins and outs of a situation, then allowing me to make my decision with no pressure would be the kindest and most mature thing someone could do.

 


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