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Author Topic: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.  (Read 4482 times)

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Offline detap27

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Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« on: May 24, 2009, 08:16:30 AM »
I've lived with HIV for 16 years, but have never experienced this much rejection! I was in two LTR's, so I haven't had to deal with the dating scene as much as I am now. It seems like if I wait a few dates, or tell the guy immediately, the turn-down is imminent. I am not looking for pity, and know the usual responses: "Screw them if they can't deal"...."You don't need them".....

Does anyone have any good advice/experience for me? When is the best time to tell someone? I have so many friends that don't tell people when they know the relationship will not last or is just a one-night stand--they just play it safe.

I thought honesty was the best policy, but dealing with the after-effects of the rejection is brutal.

Any advice you can give would be great.

Offline mecch

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2009, 02:50:49 PM »
Rejection sucks!

Tell people when it feels right for you and the other person.  (Ad hoc method)

Or, make a guideline and just keep to it no matter who or when. (personal rule method)

As an aside, I am actually a bit jealous that you have all these HIV+ friends, strange thing to say, I mean at least you can talk to them and share your experiences. 

And among those many HIV+ friends, anyone else single and maybe dating material???  It might be helpful to go out on a few dates with HIV+ guys when you feel like you've had too much rejection based on your status.  At least it will give you a breather and allow both parties to think about something else than HIV.

Bravo for having the courage to date and disclose. Eventually someone will recognise your character and be turned on as much by that as by your physique. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2009, 01:17:22 AM »
I have been very public about my status since diagnosed in 1994.  I have not put in in the newspaper for a couple of years and at the time was based on RWCA funding issues.  I did tell someone from San Francisco on the first date last year and he dumped me.  We have had many special dates since and I was just dropped off from the day on Sonoma Coast hiking trails and a flawless Sunday Brunch at Cape Fear in Duncans Mills.   The responses will be as individual as the individuals.   ;D  Have the best day
Michael

« Last Edit: May 25, 2009, 01:19:24 AM by Sonomabeach »

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2009, 08:40:32 PM »
Rejection does suck. It really makes you question everything, but I do believe honesty is the best policy. I wish you well. You look like a very good looking guy.

Offline freaky_dream

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2009, 09:10:17 PM »
I never understood why people aren't up front with their status from the begining. Wouldn't it save you time and effort if you managaed to weed out those who would have a problem with your status from the begining? I dunno maybe I attach less stigma to my diagnosis them most so I tend to be less secretive with my status.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 09:32:59 PM by freaky_dream »

Offline next2u

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2009, 08:38:16 AM »
hey detap,

rejection definitely sucks. my dating tactics have def been altered since becoming poz. the majority of people i date know i am poz before the dating commences. the rejection i've experienced since becoming poz has been minimal and is based on a variety of things, not just my hiv status.

practical advice, do what feels best and be ready for rejection. you have no control over how they will respond. be up front, don't let a relationship progress without revealing things that are important. it sounds like you are doing the right things. unfortunately, doing the right things can fucking suck. but at least after licking your wounds you can hold your head up high.

my rules of dating:
on all my sex,dating & personal websites my status is disclosed. depending on the website  (if it's for pozzies or not) i will post a head shot.
if i meet a person in a public area and do not know their status and they do not know mine i will wait no more than 3 dates to disclose. this prevents too much pain and attachment as well as allowing the other person to show their true colors. who wants to be a relationship with an ass anyways?

hope this helps.

best,
d
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline pos2007

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2009, 11:28:02 AM »
I really wish I  had the answer. This  is proof more education   is needed along with decriminalization. My wife  and I  have lost every single friend we had over this except one couple and they are just "praying for us".  It  is very very  lonely.  :-[
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline Texan38

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2009, 12:01:28 PM »
I feel you should be honest and upfront with your status. Rejection is a bitch and as discouraging as it may be, please don't give up looking for that right person. Anyone who rejects someone for being positive, is not a person worth knowing in the first place.
It may take awhile, it may not but how will you meet someone if you don't try?

Lots of luck!
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline mkgBEAR

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2009, 01:23:59 PM »
Please share what you learm; I've been HIV+ for just over 3 yrs and have encountered the same thing
Michael in Albany

Offline mecch

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2009, 02:16:33 PM »
I really wish I  had the answer. This  is proof more education   is needed along with decriminalization. My wife  and I  have lost every single friend we had over this except one couple and they are just "praying for us".  It  is very very  lonely.  :-[

That is just HORRIBLE. Disgraceful. What kind of friends were they? Did they quietly disappear or confront you with rejection?  ugh! I'm sorry.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline narrowrule

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2009, 03:14:48 PM »

OK. Who are you? I am sure you are more than a person with HIV/AIDS. There comes a time when you have to pull up your socks, and carry on. You are a person of value, this I know for sure. I don't know anything else about what makes you You. Wear your positives (no pun intended) and shed all thoughts of rejection before you walk out the door each day. Get involved with things you like and make you happy. Everything you do is part of who you are. When you start loving yourself, then you allow others to do the same. When you project good feelings and love of self, rejection will not be part of who you have let yourself become. Then if someone says see ya later, you will know it's not you that is being rejected, it's a condition you have had the misfortune of contracting. In this day and age anyone, I feel, that is unable to understand HIV/AIDS, is truly undesirable in the first place. There is only one YOU, and you are a person of value, always remember that. Learn to love yourself, and any so called rejection......see those people later. Be too busy to even care.....their loss....ta DA!!

I hope in no way, that I have offended you, this was not my intention. I would hope that you could realize your selfworth... Take care......honesty is the best policy, but, there is a time and place for everything. Integrity has no rules......

Narrowrule

[attachment deleted by admin]

Offline leftatalbuquerque

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2009, 12:37:26 PM »
Good for you for being honest - we now find ourselves in an age where poz folks are being charged with sexual assault and attempt to harm, both in the US and Canada. Ask yourself what you want:

do you want someone, or something?

if someone, then they need to ask themselves the same question.

Many folks would rather be with a seroconcordant mate - it eliminates the fear that can arise when negs really think about what their passions can lead to, and guilt on your part whenever you think about what sexual activity can do. However, that means you have to settle for a limited pool of possibilities - what if your perfect mate is neg?

On the other hand, fear is not a good base emotion in a relationship...

To many negs, safe sex is what you do until the blood test proves otherwise (who's kidding who?) and the same applies to poz situations, as I've yet to meet ANYONE who likes condoms.

Do you want to hold out for a situation not based on fear and latex? If so, it may take a while! In the meantime, you HAVE had two LTR's, many have yet to have their first...

Like it or not, viral apartheid is the new reality.

Offline Ann

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2009, 05:53:33 AM »
Hi Left, welcome to the forums.


 as I've yet to meet ANYONE who likes condoms.


Believe it or not, I have. I used to have a negative partner and he liked condoms because they ... ahem ... made him last longer. He was thrilled and so was I. However, I didn't really like them much because they irritate my tender bits. I don't have an outright allergy to latex, but I sure do have a sensitivity to it. We also used polyurethane condoms, and they were a little bit better, but still tended to irritate me if we went at it for very long or did the deed on several consecutive days. I'm now with a poz partner and condoms are a thing of the past for us. Yay! Poz on poz rocks! ;D

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline michaelman333

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    • My Facebook
Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2009, 05:19:01 PM »
The only thing i do is that I am very upfront from the start and it just weeds them out before i get to close and attached. Not the easiest thing sometimes but it def does help ... I just think of it this way... some guys dont like guys who have a certain color hair or skin tone ... they see that and may not talk to me or go on a date with me... same thing some guys dont care but others do... if they know upfront it could mean the difference betwen expectation and none ...

hope that helps :) :)
M
06/29/09 ---- CD4- 392 (20%)   VL-Und
02/19/09 ---- CD4- 513 (23%)   VL-Und
01/11/09 ---- Switched Atripla
11/05/08 ---- CD4- 462 (23%)   VL - Und
04/01/06 ---- CD4- 274 (19%)   VL - 1200
03/20/06 ---- Started Truvada/Azatanovir/Ritonavir
02/28/06 ---- CD4- 219 (17%)   VL - 217,000
Diagnosed HIV+ 11/30/2005

You said I was lost/Wrong again
Said I had crossed that/Line again
Made it to easy to/Scream again
Made me feel queazy/Let me in
~~MLH

Offline Lilybell

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2009, 08:28:37 PM »
yes, I too am trying to decide when to disclose.  I would like to start dating non poz guys (there is just no selection where + guys are) I am tired of dating below my standards (not meaning to sound stuck up or anything) its just its always the same people!!  No one ever new to check out and no new selections.  So do I let people get to know me for a few (not sleep with men after the 3rd date) take it slow and let someone get to really know me and know that there is more to me than HIV...or just tell them and hope for the best.....

lily

Offline mecch

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2009, 08:50:12 PM »
Well Lily,
If you are a woman, I think a few dates before disclosure is possible and great.  I know its a double standard, but I can't imagine me (gay) getting that far before the issue of sex comes up. Maybe possible.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline pos2007

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #16 on: October 19, 2009, 09:34:28 PM »

 as I've yet to meet ANYONE who likes condoms.


That  is  one  thing we can  all  agree  on.   Using  a condom  gives  the  feeling  you  are  having sex  by remote  control  via  a passing  satelite; the sexual  equivelient  to  the  intamicy of  telemarketer calling  your  cell  phone at  supper  time. . Nontheless,   disclosure   is  proper.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2009, 09:37:11 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2009, 11:00:12 PM »
I like most have been rejected because of my status and yes it does sting a bit .

One thing that helped me deal with rejection in some situations was when I realized that rejection is not always just about you . People have they're own internal conflicts and insecurity's to deal with and that in itself deserves compassion . 

Offline CallMeSid

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2009, 11:28:26 PM »
What jg1962 said!!!


One thing that helped me deal with rejection in some situations was when I realized that rejection is not always just about you . People have they're own internal conflicts and insecurity's to deal with and that in itself deserves compassion . 

Well said, jg, well said!!!
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline nicknatpatywack

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #19 on: October 19, 2009, 11:56:21 PM »
Yes well said. I noticed that if someone is really into you, and they can be educated a bit on how having protected sex and in some cases (Magic Johnson) unprotected sex with an HIV partner doesn't mean that it is catchable. On that note does anyone know what the transmission rate or how easy it is for a guy to catch it from a girl? I've read a lot that say its very hard to transmit it from a femaile to a male unless she is on her period.

Offline dtwpuck

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  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #20 on: October 20, 2009, 07:24:19 AM »
For me, the key to handling rejection is to remember:

1.  I am a good person.
2.  Some people like apples, some people like oranges.  It's not a commentary on either the apple or the orange.
3.  Other people have a right to choose who they want to be with.
4.  Yes, it hurts.  It's a lie to say that it doesn't.  But, I will let it pass and remember that I cannot change what other people believe, want or need.  I can only be myself.

Truth is, it isn't fun.  Whether your being rejected because of HIV, being fat, being weird, having tattoos, not being pretty, being a drag queen, not being able the quote the Women, whatever it is.  It's never fun.  But the fact is you are a good person.   Who you are is not reflected in how they act.  
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline mack1966

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #21 on: October 20, 2009, 08:00:31 AM »
I'm newly infected and have not been on a date since my diagnosis.  Well, almost 1 date. I had been talking with this one guy for a week or so. We made plans to go on a dinner date.  I said "by the way, I'm HIV positive".  He said, oh, now you tell me?  I was like what the fuck? We hadn't even been on a date yet! Am I supposed to wear this on my sleeve?  It's very frustrating.  I thought I was being upfront by saying before our first date. I guess for this asshole it should have been the first thing out of my mouth because there is not way he would have continued talking with me. It really sucks!
08/09 - Tested positive
09/09 - CD4 650, VL 449 (no meds)
01/10 - CD4 850, VL 486 (no meds)

Offline elf

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2009, 12:31:53 PM »
Speech is Silver and Silence is Gold.

Offline Sweet_C

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2009, 06:00:00 PM »
I haven't had to date since I was diagnosed, but I actually think that withholding your status may make sense in some situations.  We are all more than HIV and I'd want any potential partner to get to know me and not just think of me as a disease.  Most people are afraid because they don't really know the facts about this disease.  I would think if a person is really into you, they'd be more inclined to listen and become educated about it or at least be more sensitive if they don't want to pursue anything with you.

Also, I don't like the idea of having the main criteria for a partner being their ability to not be freaked out by a disease.  I think a lot of people would be more open minded if they've become close to someone with the disease.
Tested positive on September 11, 2008

Offline pos2007

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2009, 08:40:43 PM »
In  answer to  you ? about female  to  male transmission.  It  took  in excess of 6  years  to  happen  to  me.  don't  know  exactly  when,  just  that  I  was  still  HIV  free  for  the  first 6  years  for   sure ( only  one  partner) .  That  doesn't  mean  it  won't  happen  the  first   time.  Just  how  it  worked  here.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2009, 08:52:57 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline Basquo

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2009, 09:22:23 PM »

OK. Who are you? I am sure you are more than a person with HIV/AIDS. There comes a time when you have to pull up your socks, and carry on. You are a person of value, this I know for sure. I don't know anything else about what makes you You. Wear your positives (no pun intended) and shed all thoughts of rejection before you walk out the door each day. Get involved with things you like and make you happy. Everything you do is part of who you are. When you start loving yourself, then you allow others to do the same. When you project good feelings and love of self, rejection will not be part of who you have let yourself become. Then if someone says see ya later, you will know it's not you that is being rejected, it's a condition you have had the misfortune of contracting. In this day and age anyone, I feel, that is unable to understand HIV/AIDS, is truly undesirable in the first place. There is only one YOU, and you are a person of value, always remember that. Learn to love yourself, and any so called rejection......see those people later. Be too busy to even care.....their loss....ta DA!!

I hope in no way, that I have offended you, this was not my intention. I would hope that you could realize your selfworth... Take care......honesty is the best policy, but, there is a time and place for everything. Integrity has no rules......

Narrowrule

Great first post Narrowule! Welcome to the Forums!

Best
Basquo
(Creighton)

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2009, 11:58:46 PM »
Great first post Narrowule! Welcome to the Forums!


Agreed....  Welcome to the forums Narrowrule..
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #27 on: October 21, 2009, 03:41:52 AM »
 

    I know because of our status rejection is probably a little higher that those who are negative when it comes to relationships.  But I would also like to add that even the negative population in general face the same exact issues.  Whether it be our looks, weight, personality, and what ever else we tend to judge a person on.  Rejection in a huge part of the game.  Go on any relationship forum, specifically love shack.com and you will see some really sad puppies dealing with the same issues we are....  well except our daily doses of meds of course.

    My wife for example, I've seen pictures of the previous guys and they were negative.  They looked like they could get any woman in the world, and they wanted to be with my wife who they knew was positive.  Trust me I see why though....  she is one of the kindest, gentled hearted people I know, extremely intelligent, beautiful smile that lights of the room, and just an amazing person in general.  Lucky for me they didn't know what to do with such a good thing.

   I think rejection can only affect us if we allow it to.  Let me explain though, hopefully I can make some sense right now.  If we are desperate for a relationship we tend to overlook a lot of things in another person that we would generally not accept. Being positive, we kind of throw our standards out the window.  This not need to be, we are still worthy of beng loved and if someone can't handle your status then send them on their way.  Your status will never change,, the only thing you have the power to change is how you feel about yourself and what kind of stuff your willing to not put up with.  Don't lower your standards for any reason.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline mecch

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #28 on: October 21, 2009, 06:07:47 AM »
Skeebo's right. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline elf

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #29 on: October 21, 2009, 02:00:41 PM »
When you're using a condom and you're undetectable, you're comparable to a nonvenomous snake.

But, as you know, most people hate snakes, both venomous and nonvenomous.  :-\

Take a look at this snake, it's a nonvenomous one:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Nerodia_rhombifer.jpg

But how many people would like to share a room with it?
Not many.

How many HIV- people would like to share a room with me (after/if I disclose them my status)?
Not many.

It's a paranoid kind of thing and it can be treated with behavioral-cognitive psychotherapy.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2009, 02:02:58 PM by elf »

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #30 on: October 21, 2009, 02:09:10 PM »
LOL elf ... what a sexy come on .... Hey good looking how about us going out for some behavioral - cognitive psychotherapy and then having a nice roll in the hay .

Offline pos2007

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #31 on: October 22, 2009, 09:40:32 PM »
Hey  that's a pretty  cool  snake.  I  think  it  has a venomous cousin  who  has a "conservative"  talk  show and  hates  the  idea of sick  people  having  healthcare.  I'll bet  the snake  in  the  pan  will respect  me as  a human. :)
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000

Offline elf

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Re: Dealing with rejection....need some advice.
« Reply #32 on: October 23, 2009, 02:12:18 PM »
hehe  ;D

 


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