Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 19, 2014, 06:36:44 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639372
  • Total Topics: 48534
  • Online Today: 218
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Mixed Status and Disclosure  (Read 2549 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Shroud401

  • member
  • Posts: 2
Mixed Status and Disclosure
« on: May 14, 2009, 08:28:38 AM »
This is my first post and this may not be the correct forum to address this, and if so, I apologize in advance, but I wasn't sure where else to post this issue.

I am HIV- and have been dating a wonderful, very sweet man who is HIV+ for six months now, and I love him deeply.  (As a matter of fact, today just happens to be our anniversary.  Yip-pee!)  My family knows about our relationship and how devoted I am to him.  However, none of them as yet know that he is positive.  Naturally, I have not disclosed his status because I don't feel it is my place to do so, and definitely not without his okay.  His health condition is a private matter.  He doesn't work and receives disability because of his status, and I have already had to subtly dodge questions about why he isn't working.

Today, my brother, with whom I'm particularly close, is coming to visit for the weekend and will be the first person in my family to actually meet him.  At some point, whether this weekend or in the future, we're going to have to disclose my partner's HIV status to at least some of my family.  There are some in my family who I wouldn't trust with the information, but some - like my brother - who I would tell.

I'm seeking guidance from anyone - positive or negative - who has already faced this issue.  How (and when) have you told your family that you are in a mixed-status relationship?  What challenges did you face in telling your family?  Basically, any advice on how to handle this to make it go as smooth as possible would be most appreciated.

Offline ryansson

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Mixed Status and Disclosure
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2009, 05:17:46 PM »
Hey,
       Ya know I am in a similar situation, only one of my friends know that my partner is pos and he is pretty much educated anyway. I have family that really I dont see as it's any of their business as they are not in any way at risk, so why should they have to know? Thing is, I have been an asthmatic since the age of 3 and I dont feel the need for everyone to know if they dont have to so why should it be any different for HIV?
If my partner felt she wanted my family/friends to know then I would do my best to stand by her on it, otherwise as far as i am concerned it is about her and I. My family too try to delve into work matters and my partner too is part time, but I just tell them she doesn't have to work full-time right now, am not lying so all is good.
If you both feel your brother would be fine with your partner's status then by all means go for it and best of luck, but you have to ask yourself why you want him to know and if in reality he really needs toknow anything other than the fact you are very happy right now?
« Last Edit: May 14, 2009, 05:19:38 PM by ryansson »

Offline vasky

  • Member
  • Posts: 21
Re: Mixed Status and Disclosure
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2009, 05:24:32 AM »
Hi Shroud401:
I am in a similar situation, my BF is + He is OK with disclosing his status; and feels it is the right thing to do. I don't agree entirely, because as long as they are not at risk I don't see why they should know. The couple of times he hasn't been feeling well around them, I've just told them he has a very sensible stomach and is currently indisposed.

My point being, don't feel you have to tell your brother. Do so if you are ready to share with him information and help him out with his concerns. As ryansson said not everybody needs to know. And bottom line I think you have to do this on your own time, and you are ready and you feel your brother or any other family member is receptive.

Best wishes,

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,689
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Mixed Status and Disclosure
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2009, 05:40:06 AM »
  At some point, whether this weekend or in the future, we're going to have to disclose my partner's HIV status to at least some of my family.  There are some in my family who I wouldn't trust with the information, but some - like my brother - who I would tell.

I'm seeking guidance from anyone - positive or negative - who has already faced this issue.  How (and when) have you told your family that you are in a mixed-status relationship?  What challenges did you face in telling your family?  Basically, any advice on how to handle this to make it go as smooth as possible would be most appreciated.

I have had three times this experience being the negative one.  My positive partners decided when it was ok to disclose, or not, and to whom. This takes the weight off you, the negative partner.  If you feel like YOU need support from your family, then first you discuss with your partner, for instance - "I would really like my brother to know, so can you tell him, or can I, or not?"

The challenge anyone might face would be that your family has 1) fear, 2) concern 3) ignorance 4) anger, any or all or none of these.  The bonus might be that your family is perfectly Ok and will support you and your partner with love and kindness.  Also possible is indifference, neutrality.

One question you might be prepared to answer is:  "why did you fall in love with a guy who not only has HIV but is also incapacitated and can't work?"  The answer is love is love, I guess, but that's a question I can imagine pretty easily.   

If your family shows any of those things, then obviously its your next decision whether you have the energy to educate and deal with each possibility.

Finally, once the cat is out of the bag, everyone is gonna know.  Unless you live in Switzerland, where people really do know how to keep a secret!! Even in families!

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,689
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Mixed Status and Disclosure
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2009, 04:40:29 PM »
P.S. - more than three positive boyfriends, when I was negative. It was just that three times the issue came up about disclosing to my family.
The first time was difficult for me, because I also told them I was gay. So it was a lot for them to deal with. They dealt. They were wonderful each time since.
Now next time its gonna be myself being poz. Probably won't disclose until next fall, at the earliest. I just got infected last May, and went on HAART in August, and just made treatment success today, as a matter of fact.

Is your new love on HAART? Successfully? That might be something you could be prepared to teach about to your family, if you and he decide to disclose to your family.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Shroud401

  • member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Mixed Status and Disclosure
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2009, 11:15:12 AM »
Thanks, everyone, for the input.  As it happens, the topic did not come up during my brother's visit - thank goodness - but the advice will still come in handy for the future.  As I said in my initial post, I would never consider revealing my partner's status without his okay.  My preference, quite frankly, would be for him to handle it instead of me since he's already had to go through it with some of his friends and family; he's already got experience with disclosure.  I would be involved and helpful, of course, but I feel it's really something more for him to handle.  It's his confidentiality that's being revealed, not mine, so it's mostly up to him.

I know we'll have to be ready for questions on his health, on the precautions we take, etc., but advice from others who've already been through this is much appreciated.  I know one or two people who had relationships end in part because of the family's reaction to a partner's HIV status, so I want to deal with this in the best possible way.

Thanks again.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.