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Author Topic: now i will need some real advise about my life  (Read 2285 times)

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Offline angelofdreams

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • dreaming away
now i will need some real advise about my life
« on: August 08, 2006, 06:31:52 PM »
funny enough after 8 years of up and down relationships,
some got not even further then a first argument. >:(
then at some point i found out i got hiv and as it happens i meet someone,
wel, to be honest, the most sweetest gorgeous, guy i've ever met.
great to talk to, be with, listen to,etc..
wel you get the picture,
only thing is that i havent told him yet.
we havent had sex yet, to mention that aswell,
i just dont know how to tell him.

any advise??

xxxxx
angel
To live would be a awefully big adventure

Offline bobik

  • Member
  • Posts: 315
    • My worksite
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2006, 06:47:53 PM »
Hi Angel

This is one of the most hard things of having HIV. It must have been 4/5 weeks ago when Matt from Australia posted about a similar dilemma.

You know, if he can't handle HIV he is not the man for you. You have HIV for life and if you find a guy he needs to deal with it. It hurts if he gets frightened but it also shows you if he is as great as you think. I really feel that being open about this is the best thing.

Some suggestions about what works for me: Go out for diner in a good restaurant. Maybe don't say "I have got something to tell you" as if it is a big thing but mention it related to something else. For example you discuss something about work, and you mention your HIV. That makes it less heavy. When you show you can deal with it, it often gets easier for people who listen to you when you disclose.

I hope this helps.

Hug

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline angelofdreams

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • dreaming away
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2006, 06:59:03 PM »
hey Coen

good to see you around again,
I do think he wouldn't have a problem with it, so far we have been able to talk about a million different things.
might be a good idea to go for dinner somewere, mayby take a weekend away or something.
xxx
angel
To live would be a awefully big adventure

Offline Moffie65

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  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2006, 07:27:07 PM »
Hi Angel

Coen gives very good advise!  What he said about the man not being for you if he cannot accept your HIV, is paramount to making a relationship a success instead of a disaster.

I would also suggest that food is a good thing to offer a chance at injecting your HIV as a casual part of your life.  Accentuating it in "THE BIG TALK" only serves to petrify the other party. 

I would not suggest that you "go away" as this gives him no opportunity to reject you, and can make a nightmare for you if things go terribly wrong.  I just wrote a thread about "Great Expectations" and when dealing with a relationship that is serodiscordant, things can be emotionally terrifying.  When I met my HIV- sweetie, a full 17 years ago, I was already HIV+ for five years, and he was and is still, HIV-.  I didn't mention my HIV status until the second day.  He was already well versed in HIV and had been a caregiver for his neighbor until he had passed.  He was also a tester in the bars in northern California Wine Country, so his knowledge of HIV was exceptional.  His response; "So?"

I hope and pray that this man has the same response to you when you break the news, so that you two can get on with it and make something of the "meeting", of this fine man.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline angelofdreams

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • dreaming away
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2006, 07:37:49 PM »
hi Moffie65,

i see your point in not going away,
bringing this up during a nice meal is not that of a bad idea, will have to tke him out though, cos he cant cook at all, lol
am just glad he is more mature then most 20 year olds
xxx
angel
To live would be a awefully big adventure

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2006, 11:02:51 PM »
Hello Angel, it is Eldon. Tim (Moffie) and Coen said it beautifully. Take him out to dinner and bring it up in a casual conversation through work or something relating to HIV. If you two are getting along now, it shouldn't be a problem at all. But most importantly, make sure you tell him from the beginning of this relationship.

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2006, 05:00:28 AM »
You might be surprised...he may actually respect you for being upfront and honest.
Positive since 1985

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,103
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2006, 06:08:06 AM »
Hi Angel,

Why don't you try to bring the subject on HIV?

As if your were discussing any other topic.

You can tell him your idea about HIV. And he will give you his. And maybe at the end you can simply add : "well, as you have no problem with it I cantell you taht I am positive".

Make sure you give him time to digest. Not only his food.


Give it a try.

good luck

hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2006, 06:10:49 AM »
Hi Angel,

I agree with the idea that you ought to tell your new boy friend as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

If he's as mature as you say, it's unlikely he'll freak or reject you because of this. At age 20, HIV has been around longer than he has, so it's unlikely that he hasn't given at least some thought to it.

If he does, then as Coen says, he's not the man for you.

After splitting with my ex of 10 years, when I finally returned to dating, I made it a top priority to tell any potential partner. Some could handle it, others could not. I just accepted their limitataions, and got on with my life.

Even the guy I'm in love with now for the past couple of years couldn't "handle" the news at first. But before long he was back at my door.  :-* My point being, people can surprise you.

Best wishes for the best possible outcome.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2006, 03:05:48 PM »
I can tell you how I did it with my current boyfriend. It was the second night since I met him and we were having dinner at a restaurant. I was willing to have sex with him after dinner but he didnīt. He was very worried because he had an "infection". He didnīt know what was it. He was going to know the next morning. So talking about infections I told him I was HIV+. Next day he found out he had syphilis and received a penicillin injection. He also told me his ex-boyfriend was HIV+ so I didnīt need to educate him. I was lucky everything was so easy.  ;D
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2006, 05:09:56 PM »
We live in a world where we are grateful for a syphilis diagnosis :)

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Rabbit

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2006, 05:24:41 PM »
Dear Angel,

I am not a positive person but my lover is. He was in the difficult time as you are in now. I loved him much and he loved me much but he could not tell me he was positive. it took him 6 months to tell me about this. He told me that he was afraid that I could be shock and could not concentrate on my exams. He also worried that I could leave him alone if I knew his HIV status.

Finally he told me. I shouted at him because He spent a very difficult time  which I should have shared with him. He told me that He love me much and  he worried about my love to him too,

My advice is you should tell your RIGHT GUY about your HIV. He will love you more if he is yours. If he does not accept this, he is not yours and when he is not your half, let him go. Fair enough.

I wish you good health and all the best

Tigercub

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2006, 05:52:45 PM »

My advice is you should tell your RIGHT GUY about your HIV. He will love you more if he is yours. If he does not accept this, he is not yours and when he is not your half, let him go. Fair enough.
Tigercub

Hello Angel it is Eldon. It has been said and it is a good recommendation.

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,493
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2006, 06:37:20 PM »
Angel,

I agree with the advice given, but you may want to just take a walk, rather than being stuck at a dinner, just in case?  It also gives you some privacy, so when he tells you its fine, you can hug and kiss.  For me, I was dating a great guy for 3 weeks before I tested positive.  I went to his house and told him that day and his first comment to me was: "I don't think either of us should be alone tonight."  We went on to have almost four years of a great relationship, including great sex and he remains negative.

This is one of those times when you just need to follow your heart.  You have an idea of how you feel for each other, so just speak the words and whatever potential you have as a couple will surface.

Offline ndrew

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  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: now i will need some real advise about my life
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2006, 11:00:00 PM »
Dear Angel,

I just met a cool dude last week.  I told him on the second date, because I would rather face rejection sooner than later if its gonna happen.  We have been in contact over the week and I am meeting him tomorrow night.  He seems very happy on the phone and I am very hopeful.  I just want to have fun and play like a kid with someone cool and think of crazy creative things to do...

Disclosing is EXTREMELY tough, but there are some WONDERFUL people in the world (I also recently disclosed to some colleagues who are SO supportive.)  I think we know in our hearts who the cool ones are...

When I told this dude, I admit it kind of spilled out of me as he was getting out of the car... maybe not so great as over dinner, but hell I did it!  I just don't want to make it a big deal, I am different because of HIV, but I am not ashamed of it.  I used to have a lot of emotion and shame when I disclosed, but there is no reason for this now.  I expect him to be cool, if not, I am not interested. 

One thing I have felt is fear and anxiety after disclosing (rejection).  I try to give them space to think if they need and not to smother them from my own insecurities.  It feels strange to share this here, but this is the email I sent him the day after I told him... I am more expressive of emotional issues in writing than talking...

"Dear *****,

I want to let you know a few things.  First of all, it is tough as hell to disclose ones HIV status, however I feel it is important to be honest up front in these situations.  I have been rejected by others and I am learning to cope, but I know that is something I have to deal with now and in the future.

Thank you for being cool and making me feel comfortable communicating with you.

Not many people here outside of friends and a few colleagues know and I like to keep it that way for now, because it is a very personal thing and also due to the stigma and ignorance of people.  That is what I deal with, the social stigma and the psychological burden.  There is no discrimination with HIV, it effects men, women, married, single, black, white, Latino, Asian, young and old, etc.  But science has repeatedly showed us how it can be contracted and how it is NOT passed to another person.  There is nothing to fear now, because there is knowing how to be safe and protect yourself or others, then there are no worries.  (As to my own story, it is something not to be discussed casually or in an email.)

I am very healthy and not taking any medicines yet, and I don't know how much you know, but I plan to be around for quite a while.  So films like Almodovar's All About My Mother just don't reflect reality anymore.    It is now considered a manageable, chronic disease.  With current medicines, things have changed, and there are a lot of treatment breakthroughs, etc. on the horizon.  My doctor thinks I will die from something else, like heart attack or getting hit by a bus, and I believe him.   I have also talked to men and women who have been around for decades thanks to good old pharmaceuticals.

I am not ashamed of being positive, it simply is what it is.  I won't lie and say it isn't difficult, but I am doing pretty damn good!  I love myself and I am the happiest I have been all my life.  I think it has also created an opportunity to become a better person and to learn to really live life to its fullest, but still I try to make being positive a small part of my life, I have too much else going on : )

I hope all of this does not freak you out.  It does not need to, I am willing to help you understand and feel comfortable if you are interested.  Maybe with some mutual patience we can learn a lot from each other...  who knows... ?

OK, NOW for a nap and then the gym..."

I hope everything goes well and look forward to hearing more!  Wishing you well...

Bests,
Andrew

 


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