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Author Topic: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???  (Read 2727 times)

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Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« on: April 15, 2009, 09:39:38 PM »
So I met this really wonderful guy, and we've had a couple (two) dates which involved watching a movie and cuddling on the couch at my place. We've also spoken on the phone quite a bit. I feel like he might be someone I'd like to pursue I romantic (i.e. boyfriend) relationship with. My question is, when do I tell him I'm poz? I don't want to wait too long, because I want there to be trust between us, but at the same time, I'd like him to get to know me, not just that I'm poz. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions/advice? Thanks!
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,669
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2009, 10:01:17 PM »
Do it gently BUT do it soon !

Trust is a big thing .

Time to trust he will stay .

I wish you all the love in the world  :-*

                                                      Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2009, 10:54:21 PM »
This is a tough decision to make.  I waited a month of dating a guy so he could get to know me ( and also because I was new enough to this to not know how/when) to tell him. We didn't have sex, just kissing. By the time I told him, he had decided he had enough feelings for me to go with it, figure out what we could/couldn't do. Lasted a year.

Recently I met a guy I really really liked, and could see myself with.   4 1/2 hrs on the night we met ( again no sex, just kissing) . Two weeks of very long phone calls. After our second date I disclosed to him because I really liked him and wanted hiom to know as soon as possible.  Even though he said that 'oddly enough HIV wasn't going to be an issue', he was only 2-3 months out of a 7 yr relationship.  He used that as an excuse to drop the phone calling to almost nothing, and I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.

It's a hugely personal decision to make, and there is no right/wrong answer, as long as you don't put anyone at risk sexually.

I wish you the best.

Paul
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2009, 11:34:54 PM »
I would never do anything sexually risky. At this point, we have only kissed, the non-French way. Both of us want to take it slowly in terms of the physicality, and take time to get to know who each other really is. I just hope he doesn't freak out, because he seems like such a wonderful guy and I can see such potential for a relationship between the two of us.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2009, 11:36:56 PM »
dude, this has been the topic of numerous threads. i'd suggest querying the forums for what others have posted.

tell him the truth. it tends to be best to tell before sex (to prevent animosity and what not) especially if you plan on keeping him around. i have a 3rd date rule. if i feel theres gonna be a fourth date ill tell by the third date.

it is never a great conversation but it is necessary. and it gets easier (supposedly). keep us posted and good luck!!!

congrats on the romance...i sure could use some : )~
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2009, 06:26:51 AM »
I always tell people right away.  And, then I don't talk about it much afterward.  I read their body language to determine if they are uncomfortable... not what they say.  And then if I have to spend any amount of time educating them, I don't waste my time with the romance part.   I don't need people in my life who live in caves.      I've been poz a long time and have never had trouble finding people to date, both negative and positive.  Usually I end up being the person doing the rejecting because someone doesn't meet my standards.    And, if someone rejects me, that's their right.  I move on. 

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline jampdx

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2009, 08:20:37 PM »
I'm going with as soon as possible.  If he isn't going to be ok with you being positive, it's not going to get better the more he knows you, in fact betrayal might come in then.  I've been stressed and pondering this myself, but that's the best I've come up with.

Best to you.

J
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-Infected 1/6/2009
Positive 2/9/2009
3/8/2009:  CD4 603  VL f\'d up by lab and having to redraw
4/7/2009 CD4 650 VL 348
6/24/2009 cd4 964 VL 850
9/26/2009 CD4 546 VL 822
7/22/13 CD4 1080 VL 2,220

Offline everytime

  • member
  • Posts: 1
    • community for std singles
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2009, 09:29:57 PM »
Before having sex..............
Let life be beautiful like summer flower!

Offline clsoca

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2009, 09:43:37 PM »
why not tell immediately, unless your trying to hook and real him in like a fish with bait.
10/07 Infected
11/07 Seroconversion
07/08 Tested Poz
07/08 VL 487  CD4 658  (No Meds)
10/08 VL 286  CD4 724  (No Meds)
01/24/09 VL 30,100   CD4 329 CD4 30% (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 367 CD4 36%  Blood Work @ UCLA (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 317 CD4 35% Blood Work @ USC (No Meds)
02/12/09 VL 52,000   CD4 297 CD4 29%
02/12/09  Started Atripla
04/01/09 VL 60  CD4 667   CD4 48%
06-05-09  VL UD CD4 427   CD4 39%

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2009, 01:16:06 AM »
Maybe hold off on the dating until you are comfortable with yourself and your diagnosis?  just a thought. I know many people don't want to be alone, but you gotta like yourself first.

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2009, 12:43:27 PM »
Well, I told him last night, because I decided I wanted any relationship we might have to be based on trust and honesty. It didn't go that great in my opinion, if only because we're now in the "friend" stage. Apparently, he had a past lover/boyfriend/partner who found out he was poz, seemed healthy, then rapidly became ill and died in less than a year, leaving my "friend" absolutely devasted. Because of this, he is terrified of falling in love with me only to have me die. I told him that HIV is now considered a chronic illness that can be managed like diabetes, and that my doctor said I can expect to live a long life, but he is still very afraid. I ended up doing a lot of crying. He was however, very appreciative that I told him then rather than waiting. In the end, we made a compromise, in which we will hold off on pursuing a romantic relationship so he can see that I'm not dying, and hopefully then when he is reassured of my continued existence, we can move forward with a relationship. I am very sad, but at the same time, I can totally understand why he is afraid, and don't want to hurt him. So I will just wait, and see what happens.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline marc11864

  • Member
  • Posts: 440
  • I apologize for nothing!
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2009, 07:38:39 PM »
Best way to deal with it. Look it's NEVER going to be an easy thing to tell people. There's stigma still attached to the label even under the best circumstances. But no one can ever say that you weren't respectful to both him and most importantly to yourself. Be proud of yourself and remember, the best things are worth waiting for anyway!  :)
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2009, 12:06:45 AM »
dude,

congrats on the disclosure! yeah, it can be a total bitch and you never know what will happen. seems like things went pretty well.

so, why are you waiting? since this relationship is on "hold" and you two have a mutual understanding of this (u already told him you would be living an average lifespan) why not keep your options open? there's a lot of fish in the sea...or studs in the stable : )~   like, tomorrow is granted to no man...right? while he is waiting to see if you don't die or shrivel up give yourself and someone else the option of enjoying your vibrancy here & now.

unless you two plan on canoodling on a regular basis, for all intents and purposes you are single and ready to mingle : ). enjoy whatever you end up doing and congrats again!
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2009, 06:51:36 AM »

Look it's NEVER going to be an easy thing to tell people. There's stigma still attached to the label even under the best circumstances.


Marc, I have to respectfully disagree with your statement above. While some might never find it easy to tell, there's NOT always stigma "even under the best circumstances."

Under the best circumstances, it won't faze the person you're telling. I know this for a fact as it has been my experience more often than not.

Another "best circumstance" scenario is that when you tell, they say "hey, me too!" Yes, it happens!

Not everyone is living in the stone age where hiv is concerned. There are people out there who won't freak out when you tell them. You won't know who they are until you disclose, but don't expect  a freak-out, expect them to be ok and often times you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,009
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2009, 09:12:18 AM »
Odyssey, I know it wasn't the answer you wanted to hear but I think you did the right thing.

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2009, 12:57:02 PM »
Thanks, GSOgymrat. I do really think it went well in the sense that he was really accepting, he's just trying to protect his heart. And to next2u, for now I'm not going to be searching around for someone else, and I told him so. There is something very special about him, and I'm willing to give it some time to see if it could work out. I'm not in a hurry to just find any guy that would be okay with me being poz. On top of that, I live in a town on 20,000 people, which is the biggest "city" in the general area, and its not like transguys with hiv and an autism spectrum disorder are a hot commodity. I'd rather spend the time on this potential relationship than just throw out what so far has been very emotionally fulfilling because of this "speedbump". Also, I'm not sure of your definition of "canoodling" but if you meant sex, I'm in no hurry for that either, and neither is he. Even before I disclosed, we had both agreed that we wanted to get to know each other for who the other person really is, instead of just wanting their body. So I will be patient, and understanding, and hope for the best. And if it doesn't work out, I understand that his pain is just too much to overcome his fear. But for now, I have hope.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2009, 09:29:36 PM »
Odyssey, congratulations on being emotionally honest with yourself and with your guy.
It would be foolish for anyone to state that life is the same in a small town as it is in a big one.  I've lived in both.   It is also foolish for people to state that it is always easy to disclose or that there is one formula for how to handle this.   But, I would like to say that you have impressed me with how you have described this experience.

I tend to be very cavalier about my status.   I am also very self confident and generally completely unconcerned with the approval of strangers.    It is easy to forget that not everyone is in the same situation that I am in.  Thanks for reminding me that there is a human at the contradicting end of every blanket statement.     

Life really doesn't always go the way we want it to go.  Just remember, that painful experiences, while they suck, do help you to learn and grow.     

One thing I learned when I got my head out of my ass was that friends are extremely valuable.  So, even if this does not develop into a romantic relationship, it seems to me that there is no such thing as "just" a friend.   I wish I had more friends and fewer exes.

Be strong, buddy.     My fondest and best wishes,
Scott

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,761
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2009, 12:15:05 AM »
update?
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Tar Heel

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2009, 12:44:40 AM »
I tell a guy fast- in the initial conversation.  Maybe that's why i am currently single.  but it's better to just get it out in the open.  I hate wondering when to tell them so I just get it over with.
"So much has been given to me that I have no time to ponder on that which has been denied." ~ Helen Keller

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: When to tell potential boyfriend I'm poz???
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2009, 07:12:36 AM »
Well, we are "just friends". Ugh, I hate that phrase. He decided he wasn't ready for a relationship, but rather needed to work on his own stuff. I can understand that, but it still cracked my heart a bit (i.e. not fully broken). I haven't really spent much time with him since, because I can't just shut my feelings for him off just because he doesn't want to date me. But the disclosure went pretty well, he was good about it. Oh well, I guess I'm still on the market then, lol.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

 


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