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Author Topic: Source of my HIV  (Read 1707 times)

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Offline maddalfred

  • Member
  • Posts: 128
  • Self Portrait
Source of my HIV
« on: April 11, 2009, 10:27:57 PM »
After two years and a few months, I finally got confirmation on the source of my infection just a few minutes ago via an email. Even though I had coaxed and cajoled the person I had thought it might be to tell me, I guess I wasn't ready for it to be him, I didn't want it to be him. I have not spoken face to face with him in all this time, (and only two times on the phone) miles and countries separate us. :-\

For once I am at a loss for words. Even knowing he was not totally honest and upfront with me about it from the beginning, I don't hate, in fact I still love him, although I am not IN love with him but at one time I thought I might be. Instead, I feel a profound sense of sadness more than anything else. I don't know myself nearly as well as I thought, I am not nearly as good a judge of character and honesty in others as I have always thought myself to be. ???  There really is no fool like an old fool, huh?

I am hardly a spring chicken any more, even a few years ago I was not, so I guess I should have questioned why a man almost half my age would have any interest in me. I admit it, I was flattered and I wanted so much to believe he saw something in me that was good, that I was someone worth spending time getting to know and not just a means to an end.

I know a lot of others have had to have gone through something similar. Please share the process of this type of thing with me so I know what I might expect to feel going forward. Right now I just feel a little shell shocked.

Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,962
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2009, 10:48:17 PM »
I'm missing something here. You just confirmed that you contracted HIV from a man you were involved with 2 years ago. Did he know he was HIV+? What does your age difference have to do with it? What do you mean about your relationship being a means to an end?

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2009, 02:04:51 PM »
I think the OP meant he finally confirmed who transmitted HIV to him. I've struggled with a similar thing, having a strong idea who infected me, but not knowing for sure. There are only a few possibilities, but one of them stands out really strongly above the others. But I don't know for sure. Each guy said he was negative, but obviously at least one of them wasn't. I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out for sure, but I doubt I'd be as "nice" about it as you, maddalfred. Honestly, I'd probably want to kick the sh*t out of the guy for lying to me and giving me this disease.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%     VL- 32415
11/09- started Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
03/10- stopped Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%     VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
3/8/12      CD4- 503   31%     VL 57

Offline NHLA

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2009, 07:59:36 AM »

i dont think it helps to know who infected you...i know exactly when i got infected because its the only time i ever had unprotected sex. I would have prefared not to know all who infected m :)e

Offline freaky_dream

  • Member
  • Posts: 132
  • mmm
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2009, 08:34:49 PM »
I know exactly who infeccted me and I swear if I ever run into the fucker...

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,760
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2009, 11:07:10 PM »
i have a strong idea of who i picked the bug up from. i ran into him on a social networking site the other day and we have mutual friends. i sent him a message 2 days ago and he did not respond. when i found out i was poz i contacted all 3 of the guys and told them. 1 was practically outside of the frame & still claims he is negative. the other, the other i had a lot of sex with. and if i didnt catch it from him it was the guy WE had the threeway with.

with that said, im not bitter any more. and if i hadn't met this awesome guy that im chatting with (we are only friends, but i def have a crush) id probably try to sit down and talk with him. okay, damnit, the sex was really good with all three and aren't bad people. i dont know if dude was lying or not but he sure hasn't returned my message.

so, the source of my hiv was me.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3

Offline BlueMoon

  • Member
  • Posts: 665
  • Calling from the Fun House
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2009, 06:58:54 AM »

so, the source of my hiv was me.

So was mine.

I don't know who shared the virus with me, but I hope that person getting any needed treatment and doing well.
...................VL.....CD4.....%
-----------------------------------------
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

Offline clsoca

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2009, 11:12:50 AM »
I had my case investigated and narrowed my bug hive to three guys.

One or all of them exposed me in October 2007. I truly harbor no grievances against these guys. I had sufficient evidence to pursue civil action. But I chose not to. I let it go.

I just regret how I use to behave. If I behaved decently, I would still be negative.

BTW, I don't advise anyone to have their case investigated. It's a lot of money thrown down the drain for nothing. I  just freaked out last July and needed to know for some stupid reason.

I am at peace now.
10/07 Infected
11/07 Seroconversion
07/08 Tested Poz
07/08 VL 487  CD4 658  (No Meds)
10/08 VL 286  CD4 724  (No Meds)
01/24/09 VL 30,100   CD4 329 CD4 30% (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 367 CD4 36%  Blood Work @ UCLA (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 317 CD4 35% Blood Work @ USC (No Meds)
02/12/09 VL 52,000   CD4 297 CD4 29%
02/12/09  Started Atripla
04/01/09 VL 60  CD4 667   CD4 48%
06-05-09  VL UD CD4 427   CD4 39%

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 27,947
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2009, 11:50:23 AM »

I just regret how I use to behave. If I behaved decently, I would still be negative.


Wow, it's not a case of behaving "decently" or not, it's a case of using condoms or not. "Decent" behaviour just smacks of moral judgement and don't we get enough of that from (some) hiv negative people, without putting it on ourselves?
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline clsoca

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2009, 12:28:00 PM »
In totality, I was not behaving decently on a number of fronts resulting in routine bad decisions including BB sex (while HIV neg).

When I was HIV neg, I did not use condoms regularly as I should have.

Now after becoming HIV poz, I would never have sex without a condom.

How paradoxical
10/07 Infected
11/07 Seroconversion
07/08 Tested Poz
07/08 VL 487  CD4 658  (No Meds)
10/08 VL 286  CD4 724  (No Meds)
01/24/09 VL 30,100   CD4 329 CD4 30% (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 367 CD4 36%  Blood Work @ UCLA (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 317 CD4 35% Blood Work @ USC (No Meds)
02/12/09 VL 52,000   CD4 297 CD4 29%
02/12/09  Started Atripla
04/01/09 VL 60  CD4 667   CD4 48%
06-05-09  VL UD CD4 427   CD4 39%

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 27,947
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2009, 04:06:39 PM »

When I was HIV neg, I did not use condoms regularly as I should have.

Now after becoming HIV poz, I would never have sex without a condom.

How paradoxical


You ain't kidding! Same here (except for poz on poz in some circumstances)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline clsoca

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: Source of my HIV
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2009, 04:10:18 PM »
I hear you and feel ya Ann. Poz on Poz...maybe no condom
10/07 Infected
11/07 Seroconversion
07/08 Tested Poz
07/08 VL 487  CD4 658  (No Meds)
10/08 VL 286  CD4 724  (No Meds)
01/24/09 VL 30,100   CD4 329 CD4 30% (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 367 CD4 36%  Blood Work @ UCLA (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 317 CD4 35% Blood Work @ USC (No Meds)
02/12/09 VL 52,000   CD4 297 CD4 29%
02/12/09  Started Atripla
04/01/09 VL 60  CD4 667   CD4 48%
06-05-09  VL UD CD4 427   CD4 39%

 


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