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Author Topic: obsessive thoughts  (Read 3198 times)

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Offline positivmat

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
obsessive thoughts
« on: March 13, 2009, 12:22:37 PM »
OK,
I lost it today.  I really acted out.  I texted the person who i think infected me to "dig" a little more.  People on this forum have told me not to expend my energy in that way and the whole exchange with this person really depleted me.  I am so broken up about being positive.  I attach my thoughts to it and it is hard for me to break the pattern of wondering how I got this.  The exchange got ugly and i said a lot of things.  I think that it will help me move on to have gotten so angry, but the anger, shame, remorse and guilt come at me in waves.  I gave in to it today and lashed out at this person.  I feel like he broke me down, lied to me and I am having trouble getting past this part. 

I ended by crying on a friend's shoulder and that made me feel better, but the ups and downs of this are overwhelming.  I feel so used and broken and dirty.  It's so bad that i go between feeling like i am so disconnected watching my life on tv  to feeling so attached to this pain that i am having shortness of breath and a panic attack.

Struggling with where to go from here,
Matt

Offline Structure310

  • Member
  • Posts: 25
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2009, 02:33:47 PM »
Hey Matt,
Hang in there, take a deep breath, and distract yourself.  I hate the idea that someone might have lied to me, used me, maliciously infected me too, not sure if I want to confront the guy that did it to me.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
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  • Posts: 9,618
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2009, 03:10:46 PM »
Matt, the feelings you're having are completely understandable, but lashing out at whomever infected you will do you no good.  It's wasted energy that could best be spent doing something constructive i.e. whatever it is you like to do in your spare time that gives good energy to your soul.  You really don't know the person's who infected you circumstances.  I mean, suppose you slept with someone (before you found out your poz status) and infected the person.  Would you want them punishing you?

I'm not saying that's what happened, and I'm not trying to downplay your anger.  That's completely founded.  Do something that may release this energy, but won't hurt anyone.  Dance, shout, scream (but not at someone present), write angry notes and throw them out, draw, read, something.  Over time, it will get better.  That's a promise.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline positivmat

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2009, 03:57:59 PM »
Thanks to both of you structure310 and betty.  My day was colored by that confrontation all day, but i really got a lot of support from everyone on this site.  It seems right now, that i really need to be around positive people (pun intended).  But seriously, i have this real desire to be around others who are or have transformed this energy.  The anger i had today was unexpected and came from deep within me, cause i have spent most of the past six weeks since diagnosis unable to get out of my depression fully.  So a sudden burst of energy was wierd.  But this one took its toll. 

I really don't know who i am yet with this virus.  It feels the same except for the knowledge that i have let something really bad happen to me.  Thank you both for your support and thoughts.  I hope that i can return this to the universe at sometime.

Letting out more and more feelings as time goes by,
Matt

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,702
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2009, 04:46:16 PM »
I am only going to respond to the question about confronting a person whom you suspect may have transmitted HIV, and that transmission includes lies.

Generally the best advice is to take care of yourself after a seroconversion.  Really you only have the present and the future.

Also, your other comments about shame and remorse, etc etc, all of that is human and pretty expected after becoming HIV - so you'll work through this your way and with support.

Ok- now, about the "suspect".  Yes yes yes we are all responsible for our own behaviour and choices. That said, if you feel that a person has lied and transmitted HIV, a CIVIL and ADULT confrontation is one's right and could be constructive, or not. But frankly, liars should be confronted and there is always the possibility that one will get closure and there is also the possibility that one can impress a liar to reform and accept more responsibility and honesty in the future.  Were talking about immoral if not also criminal harm to another person after all!

From my experience, I have a "suspect", he lied about his HIV status, and several months after my conversion when i was a bit more collected I confronted him. It took several invitation for coffee and  a lot of avoidance, finally had to do it by telephone.  He admitted the lie. But then he seemed to lie again, about when he started HAART. It was very very sad, the conversation, he just seemed so stupid in the end.  And I felt sad that I ever got involved with such a person.

But, there was some closure, and I did get to communicate my anger about the lie. Can't prove it was him. I could try, not sure its worth it.  Its a technical and gross process to follow in my country and could end up backfiring and hurting me a lot.

I think you should not confront "suspects" with anger, nobody will respond well, but with honesty and when there is a bit of trust or communication, you can express your anger. 

It is a pity your exchange got ugly. It would seem a lost cause now, and your only choices are to move on, or, depending on your country or state and its laws, get involved in legal stuff that is quite messy and not necessarily healthy for anyone.

Still, liars should be confronted. Thats my own opinion. So bravo for you. Sorry it didn't work out better.

Best!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Dwayn20

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  • Posts: 374
  • dbscooter0@gmail.com
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2009, 09:21:36 AM »
First off I thank you for your kind post the other day.
Second I was like you twenty years ago when I found out an knew who infected me.
It,s not worth giving them the power over you.If I were to go back in time would I change anything the answer is No do you know Why because the outcome of my Life might be a lot different are worst than it is today.I found some one who knew my statice before we were a couple.By the way he is negative.He is the one who said not to wast your time or effort on that person.Take One Day At A Time!!!
Dwayn20(Scooter)




OK,
I lost it today.  I really acted out.  I texted the person who i think infected me to "dig" a little more.  People on this forum have told me not to expend my energy in that way and the whole exchange with this person really depleted me.  I am so broken up about being positive.  I attach my thoughts to it and it is hard for me to break the pattern of wondering how I got this.  The exchange got ugly and i said a lot of things.  I think that it will help me move on to have gotten so angry, but the anger, shame, remorse and guilt come at me in waves.  I gave in to it today and lashed out at this person.  I feel like he broke me down, lied to me and I am having trouble getting past this part. 

I ended by crying on a friend's shoulder and that made me feel better, but the ups and downs of this are overwhelming.  I feel so used and broken and dirty.  It's so bad that i go between feeling like i am so disconnected watching my life on tv  to feeling so attached to this pain that i am having shortness of breath and a panic attack.

Struggling with where to go from here,
Matt

Offline positivmat

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2009, 12:38:43 PM »
Thanks Dwayne,
To hear how time has healed your experience with this is encouraging.  I woke this morning at 5:30 with pain in my shoulders thinking about the one who infected me.  He has all the power right now.  I try to get it out of my mind, but it doesn’t always work for me.  The time gets longer between each bout with it though.  But this cold rainy morning, I feel so fucking cheated betrayed and abandoned by this guy.  Don’t get me wrong, I blame myself primarily but it just sucks in general.  I am trying to get through today thinking about how this new life can change me for the better, but today, it’s a challenge.  Your posting helps because you have so much time under your belt.  For you to say that you wouldn’t change anything means a lot to me. 

The irony is that my life won’t change that much, unlike what you probably went through in 1989.  I thank God that this didn’t happen to me then.  It would have been harder for me to handle then with all the uncertainty (and the presumed certainty of your death then).  Forgiving myself is the hard part.  On a day like today, I just want to really beat up on myself.  I have found that in these first two months, forgiving myself is a daily affair.  I have to do it over and over.  I am trying to reflect on what led me to my binging and realize that I was just getting by as best I could. 

I was reading one post about the disappointment in the way people seem all tied up in the stigma and shame of this disease.  Well for me that is very much where I am at this point.  I struggle with getting out from under the shame every day and it is my struggle at this point – getting better day by day, but very much the very problem I have with my diagnosis.  Reading positive outcomes like yours and others strengthens me.  Thanks,
Matt

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,618
  • Diagnosed + 1989
Re: obsessive thoughts
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2009, 05:50:30 PM »
He has all the power right now.  

The only reason he would have all the power is if you're giving it to him or letting him have it.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

 


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