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Author Topic: Living with HIV but without sex  (Read 2358 times)

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Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Living with HIV but without sex
« on: March 29, 2009, 12:26:19 PM »
I have been in a 7 years relationship, my BF and I broke up 4 years ago because he wanted to date another guy. We separateted for 1 year. Unfortunately the guy I dated infected me with HIV. My BF and I got back together and I discovered that I was HIV+. I have changed my lifestyle, taking Atripla, eating better, no drinking, no partying, in general very healthy lifestyle (my BF think is to boring and too extreme) My boyfriend is negative and he still likes to party, go out drinking and have a good time. For the most part we have a great relationship/friendship except when it comes to go out/drinking, which I hardly do, or when I comes to sex, which is none. (but is has been like this for a long time)

He says he loves me but he is not comfortable having sex with me, one reason is my HIV status (now), the other is because he says I am to sexy and attractive and he doesn't feel conformable being naked with me, he also gets jealous when I get more attention from others. Every time we go out he flirts with other guys, exchanged phone numbers and seems to have better time with them. He has cheated on me on several occasions, but always blames it on the alcohol, the fact that he feels less attractive around me, or the my new lifestyle is to boring for him (since I don't drink or party). At the same time he doesn't wants us to break up, he doesn't see his live without me.
 
We have not spoken since 3 days ago, because we went out and when it was time to left the bar (I was tired and wanted to leave after 3 hours in a bar), he was not ready and decided to stay with a guy he just met that night, he never return home, and then said they just got drunk and crash in his house, but nothing else happens.

My dilemma is should I finish this relationship and just remain friends (since we get along as friends) but If I do, I am scared that others will rejected me if they know I am HIV+ (I don't know other HIV+ guys, I am very reserved, I have not tell anyone yet) or should I settle for living a life with someone who don't care about my condition, but rather flirts and probably have sex with others than with me.
Obviously my self esteem is a little down, and sometimes I feel I might be asking to much, since he is negative and I am positive, but other times, I think I will be better without him.

Your thoughts will be appreciate it.

Offline GSOgymrat

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  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2009, 03:01:16 PM »
I recommend taking the HIV out of the equation. If you were both negative would you stay with him? Staying with someone just because you are afraid of being HIV+ and single is not good for either of you.

Offline newt

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Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2009, 03:06:35 PM »
What GSO said, he's taking advantage of you, other guys or no other guys - matt (brutal I know, but...) the newt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2009, 03:29:50 PM »
Actually in a way they're taking advantage of each other -- definite co-dependent stuff going on.  Seems like you realize you're not actually boyfriends except in name only, and are really just ex's that are roommates, but neither of you are willing to verbalize it.  Some people can have these arraignments, but only if it's openly verbalized.

I agree with the above recommendations to remove "HIV" from the equation, but actually it seems that it's part of the equation for you as you seem to stay in this simply because you think you'll be alone and dealing with HIV on your own.  As you mention at the end you have fear of rejection from other men due to your health issue.  Do you not live in an area where you can seek out other HIV+ men for companionship?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline decayingsinner

  • Member
  • Posts: 274
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2009, 05:48:32 PM »
It obviously sounds like both of your hearts aren't into it (much more his than yours).  My ex and I had a similar relationship(before I was positive) where we would drink and go out to bars and pretty much was a volatile relationship.  Sick enough, we really loved each other, but I would say there were many influences that brought on this behavior.

In the end, I think you are going to put more work into that it's worth (if you haven't already), physically and mentally. I wouldn't continue with this.  It's not that bad being single and positive.  There are other people out there.

Offline freaky_dream

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  • Posts: 132
  • mmm
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2009, 07:50:04 PM »
What everyone else said. Your soon to be ex is just using you as a trophy and you really shouldn't be around someone who is partying all the time.

And yes people will reject you based solely on your status but they are ignorant. Just because you are poz doesn't mean you have to settle for less.There are plenty of good looking(attractiveness being relative of course) poz guys as there are neg, especially if you live in a big city. Plus there are informed neg guys out there who don't have any qualms dating poz men. I always get a kick checking out the different guys in my doctor's waiting room(it's a big clinic).
« Last Edit: March 29, 2009, 07:51:55 PM by freaky_dream »

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2009, 08:36:57 PM »
I don't mean to get all Dan Savage on you here or be brutal... but get out of this.  It's not good for you.  Life is too short to waste on relationships that are doomed already.   A few things stand out here:

There is no physical intimacy.  Physical intimacy is an integral part of a healthy relationship.  Plenty of people have serodischordant relationships with a healthy amount of intimacy.  He is using HIV as a crutch for something else.   It's BS.

It sounds like he uses you to make excuses for his own bad behavior.  (I'm intimidated by your looks... other guys pay attention to you).

He lies to you.  No one crashes at someone else's house for three days and 'nothing happens'.  Please, you'd have to be living in a cave on Mars with a hood over your head for the last century to fall for that one.

He parties.  Sorry, but there isn't a lot you can do to convince me that designer drug partying is going to be good for you. 

A couple things about dating when you're poz.  It always sucks to tell someone.  Many poz guys rely on the Internet to get the hi-five convo out of the way.  It makes the rejection less personal.  And, yes, the rejection will occur.  But, you might also be surprised at how many of us are out there.   The world hasn't ended because you are poz.  But you are changing, discovering that there's a certain quality of life that cannot be substituted by the illusion of the so-called gay life.

It sounds like you've discovered how to be healthy.  There isn't anything, anyone, any man or any relationship that is worth your own health (both mental and physical).

Good luck. 




I have been in a 7 years relationship, my BF and I broke up 4 years ago because he wanted to date another guy. We separateted for 1 year. Unfortunately the guy I dated infected me with HIV. My BF and I got back together and I discovered that I was HIV+. I have changed my lifestyle, taking Atripla, eating better, no drinking, no partying, in general very healthy lifestyle (my BF think is to boring and too extreme) My boyfriend is negative and he still likes to party, go out drinking and have a good time. For the most part we have a great relationship/friendship except when it comes to go out/drinking, which I hardly do, or when I comes to sex, which is none. (but is has been like this for a long time)

He says he loves me but he is not comfortable having sex with me, one reason is my HIV status (now), the other is because he says I am to sexy and attractive and he doesn't feel conformable being naked with me, he also gets jealous when I get more attention from others. Every time we go out he flirts with other guys, exchanged phone numbers and seems to have better time with them. He has cheated on me on several occasions, but always blames it on the alcohol, the fact that he feels less attractive around me, or the my new lifestyle is to boring for him (since I don't drink or party). At the same time he doesn't wants us to break up, he doesn't see his live without me.
 
We have not spoken since 3 days ago, because we went out and when it was time to left the bar (I was tired and wanted to leave after 3 hours in a bar), he was not ready and decided to stay with a guy he just met that night, he never return home, and then said they just got drunk and crash in his house, but nothing else happens.

My dilemma is should I finish this relationship and just remain friends (since we get along as friends) but If I do, I am scared that others will rejected me if they know I am HIV+ (I don't know other HIV+ guys, I am very reserved, I have not tell anyone yet) or should I settle for living a life with someone who don't care about my condition, but rather flirts and probably have sex with others than with me.
Obviously my self esteem is a little down, and sometimes I feel I might be asking to much, since he is negative and I am positive, but other times, I think I will be better without him.

Your thoughts will be appreciate it.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2009, 01:42:09 AM »
Hi Tony,

Sorry, but I have to agree with dtwpuck.  I have been with my partner for 26 years April 1st.  I found out my status 2 years ago, unfortunately, from an indiscretion on my part.  I told him that day, not knowing what to expect his reaction would be.  To my surprise, he was very loving and supportive.  I would not have blamed him if he left me, I probably deserve him to.  I don't know if I would have made it past the first month if he had left.

I'm lucky to have someone that has the ability to love me, when I put us both at risk.  He has been very supportive and does all he can to help me live a healthier life.  He's there when I need to talk and probably wishes I would open up more to him.  I have a lot of personal guilt for putting him at risk and I have a hard time opening up to him like I use to.  I miss feeling comfortable talking to him about anything and fear that one day he might not be there, all because I fucked up.

There have been several times that he has wanted to go out, probably more to get me out, but due to finances we really can't afford to spend the money.  When it has come to sex, we've been there twice in 2 years.  Both times we masterbated, so I think that counts.  I believe he would go further, but I have not been able to, because I worry that I might infect him.  I know I shouldn't, because I know we can use protection, but I haven't been able to get past it yet.  It's sad that it took me becoming poz. to truly appreciate what I had and what I still have left.  Maybe one day it will be what I once had, I don't know.  I made my bed and I have to sleep in it for, better or worse.

I truly believe you need to surround yourself  with people that have your best interest at heart.  It's OK to want to go out, but to leave when either one of you are ready to go.  Only you will be able to make the choice weather or not to stay in your relationship.  I would hope that he could understand that you might not feel up to going out drinking as often and respect when you need to go home and call it a night.

Best of luck.





Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2009, 01:55:41 AM »
You live a very healthy life style (your words) and you are too sexy and attractive (his words) I dont think you have to fear loneliness when not in this relationship :)

Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2009, 12:30:36 PM »
Actually in a way they're taking advantage of each other -- definite co-dependent stuff going on.  Seems like you realize you're not actually boyfriends except in name only, and are really just ex's that are roommates, but neither of you are willing to verbalize it.  Some people can have these arraignments, but only if it's openly verbalized.

I agree with the above recommendations to remove "HIV" from the equation, but actually it seems that it's part of the equation for you as you seem to stay in this simply because you think you'll be alone and dealing with HIV on your own.  As you mention at the end you have fear of rejection from other men due to your health issue.  Do you not live in an area where you can seek out other HIV+ men for companionship?

Thank you for your reply, I actuaclly live in the state of Georgia. I am pretty sure they are other HIV+ man in my area, i just dont know where to start looking for them

Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2009, 12:36:48 PM »
Thanks for your advise, and you are right in so many levels. I guess we have got use to each other company, but you are right my mental and emotional health keeps deteriorating when I am around him, not to mention that my self esteem is being destroy by all these episodes.

Again, thank you.


I don't mean to get all Dan Savage on you here or be brutal... but get out of this.  It's not good for you.  Life is too short to waste on relationships that are doomed already.   A few things stand out here:

There is no physical intimacy.  Physical intimacy is an integral part of a healthy relationship.  Plenty of people have serodischordant relationships with a healthy amount of intimacy.  He is using HIV as a crutch for something else.   It's BS.

It sounds like he uses you to make excuses for his own bad behavior.  (I'm intimidated by your looks... other guys pay attention to you).

He lies to you.  No one crashes at someone else's house for three days and 'nothing happens'.  Please, you'd have to be living in a cave on Mars with a hood over your head for the last century to fall for that one.

He parties.  Sorry, but there isn't a lot you can do to convince me that designer drug partying is going to be good for you. 

A couple things about dating when you're poz.  It always sucks to tell someone.  Many poz guys rely on the Internet to get the hi-five convo out of the way.  It makes the rejection less personal.  And, yes, the rejection will occur.  But, you might also be surprised at how many of us are out there.   The world hasn't ended because you are poz.  But you are changing, discovering that there's a certain quality of life that cannot be substituted by the illusion of the so-called gay life.

It sounds like you've discovered how to be healthy.  There isn't anything, anyone, any man or any relationship that is worth your own health (both mental and physical).

Good luck. 





Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2009, 12:41:17 PM »
You live a very healthy life style (your words) and you are too sexy and attractive (his words) I dont think you have to fear loneliness when not in this relationship :)

I appreciate you, I needed to hear this to digest it better. I gues I need to be strong and continue taking care of my mental, emotional and physical health.
Again, thanks

Offline tonynich

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2009, 12:43:32 PM »
I recommend taking the HIV out of the equation. If you were both negative would you stay with him? Staying with someone just because you are afraid of being HIV+ and single is not good for either of you.

You are right, I woudl not stayed with him if I was negative. I guess I really need to love myself a little bit more and see the good qualities I posses. He is a good person too, I just think we are in different levels in our life and he should be free to enjoy his life the way he wants it.

Thanks for your advice.

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2009, 05:31:50 PM »
One lesson you might try to take to heart is this:   "your self esteem should not be based on the behavior of others, even those whom you love.".

His behavior is a reflection of his issues, not yours.  You are not responsible for him.  Thus, determining your self worth based on his actions or words is probably not a good idea.   If you know you are a good person, then be a good persion.  Look at the behavior of others as a helpful indicator as to whether you are conveying who you are successfully, but never use it to determine whether you are a good or bad person.

:-)


Thanks for your advise, and you are right in so many levels. I guess we have got use to each other company, but you are right my mental and emotional health keeps deteriorating when I am around him, not to mention that my self esteem is being destroy by all these episodes.

Again, thank you.


« Last Edit: March 30, 2009, 05:34:23 PM by dtwpuck »
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline Dennis

  • Member
  • Posts: 781
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2009, 12:23:59 AM »
How true!  And something I had to learn after my last failed relationship. Misery loves company. And unfortunately, there are some out there who try to bring others down in an attempt to make themselves look and or feel better about themselves.

Ciao,
Dennis

One lesson you might try to take to heart is this:   "your self esteem should not be based on the behavior of others, even those whom you love.".

His behavior is a reflection of his issues, not yours.  You are not responsible for him.  Thus, determining your self worth based on his actions or words is probably not a good idea.   If you know you are a good person, then be a good persion.  Look at the behavior of others as a helpful indicator as to whether you are conveying who you are successfully, but never use it to determine whether you are a good or bad person.

:-)



Offline dixieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 889
Re: Living with HIV but without sex
« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2009, 02:37:11 PM »
Tony... everyones given you good advice... if you live in Georgia... its according to which city... but, Atlanta has a large percentage of the gay males  who are hiv+ and or know of someone in your situation... plenty of support groups etc... Alabama is just over the border... checkout the poz personals a see whose out online... best of luck, John

 


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