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Author Topic: Sex addiction  (Read 11417 times)

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Offline positivmat

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Sex addiction
« on: March 01, 2009, 04:24:59 PM »
I have been a sex addict for many years (28 probably).  I am 42, i just started having anonymous sex in jun 08.  i had 16 encounters with 12 people in 6 months.  I came down with acute Retroviral Syndrome christmas 08 and was diagnosed positive 1/30/09.  my addiction needs to be addressed.  This is my wake up call to work on my addiction.  i know that it is because of my childhood problems being neglected and wanting to medicate my pain and loneliness.  i like the rush of dopamine i get from orgasm.  i can literally feel the rush when i cum.  i would like to get past this addiction once and for all.  But i can't control my desire for sex and orgasm.  Has anyone followed this path and come clean.  I don't hear gay men admitting that sex addiction causes them problems, but i can track this addiction from its beginnings to my diagnosis quite clearly.  i quit for a while and then fail over and over. 
Matt

Offline megasept

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Re: curing orgasmic pleasure; the "addiction" addiction
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2009, 07:19:56 PM »
I have been a sex addict for many years (28 probably).  I am 42, i just started having anonymous sex in jun 08.  i had 16 encounters with 12 people in 6 months.  I came down with acute Retroviral Syndrome christmas 08 and was diagnosed positive 1/30/09.  my addiction needs to be addressed.  This is my wake up call to work on my addiction.  i know that it is because of my childhood problems being neglected and wanting to medicate my pain and loneliness.  i like the rush of dopamine i get from orgasm.  i can literally feel the rush when i cum.  i would like to get past this addiction once and for all.  But i can't control my desire for sex and orgasm.  Has anyone followed this path and come clean.  I don't hear gay men admitting that sex addiction causes them problems, but i can track this addiction from its beginnings to my diagnosis quite clearly.  i quit for a while and then fail over and over. 
Matt

if understand you right you want to cure yourself of pleasure from orgasm? YIKES! "come clean"? NO, i am among the "unclean" with hiv, and that's not an excuse for debasing myself or squandering my precious life.

you report neglecting childhood problems for decades and a recent pattern of too much sex with too many. how did you cope with, or neglect, your problems when you weren't promiscuous?

unlike you, I "do hear" gay men saying "sex addiction is the cause of their problems." the concept didn't originate in your mind. it's part of the culture. "forest gump", a very popular film, reassured america that people who strayed into promiscuous sex got what they had coming; AIDS. it just took a while longer for gay men to march in step since many of us older men associate promiscuity, with own personal liberation from self-hate and family oppression. that seems a little quaint or worse, now. but i want to keep the good aspects of my youthful sexual experiences with me. i don't need to repeat them. stuff doesn't have to flow from disease or addiction to harm me; look at adjustable rate mortgages!

sex doesn't set you free. and celibacy and monogamy won't make you holy.

morals, risks, desires, intimacy, independence, conformity, happiness, consequences...it's really a complicated stew. but that's adulthood. the pleasures are many...only best in moderation.

8) -megasept

PS i like robert hughe's "the culture of complaint" which is less about whining than the US-led misappropriation of the "therapeutic model" to describe and morally rate every aspect of life and culture.


« Last Edit: March 01, 2009, 07:28:47 PM by megasept »

Offline sensual1973

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2009, 10:17:57 AM »
i would suggest that you go to SLA (sex love addiction) meetings in your area and follow the 12 steps of recovery,addiction cannot be cured but can be controlled a day at a time.am an addict myself.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline bocker3

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Re: curing orgasmic pleasure; the "addiction" addiction
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2009, 05:32:02 PM »
if understand you right you want to cure yourself of pleasure from orgasm? YIKES! "come clean"? NO, i am among the "unclean" with hiv, and that's not an excuse for debasing myself or squandering my precious life.

you report neglecting childhood problems for decades and a recent pattern of too much sex with too many. how did you cope with, or neglect, your problems when you weren't promiscuous?

unlike you, I "do hear" gay men saying "sex addiction is the cause of their problems." the concept didn't originate in your mind. it's part of the culture. "forest gump", a very popular film, reassured america that people who strayed into promiscuous sex got what they had coming; AIDS. it just took a while longer for gay men to march in step since many of us older men associate promiscuity, with own personal liberation from self-hate and family oppression. that seems a little quaint or worse, now. but i want to keep the good aspects of my youthful sexual experiences with me. i don't need to repeat them. stuff doesn't have to flow from disease or addiction to harm me; look at adjustable rate mortgages!

sex doesn't set you free. and celibacy and monogamy won't make you holy.

morals, risks, desires, intimacy, independence, conformity, happiness, consequences...it's really a complicated stew. but that's adulthood. the pleasures are many...only best in moderation.

8) -megasept

PS i like robert hughe's "the culture of complaint" which is less about whining than the US-led misappropriation of the "therapeutic model" to describe and morally rate every aspect of life and culture.

Why such indignation in your post?  The OP wasn't saying anything about anyone but himself - - I did not see any judgements on anyone in his post, but yours is chock full of them.  chill out and either give him some support or leave him alone.  Sheesh....    ::)

Positivmat -

If sex is causing you problems in your life, then it makes sense to take some action.  The recommendation of SLA seems quite reasonable to help you explore what is going on.  I might add that some therapy around your childhood issues might do wonders also.

good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Hugs,
Mike
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Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2009, 08:22:23 PM »
Thank you for your support. I started therapy now for my new hiv status but we will certainly spend most of our time on my addiction and recovery. I am looking for a 12 step group but may have to do online meetings. It seems however that I want anonymous sex, phone sex, cruising now more than ever b4 with all this pain around my shame right now. The day I first saw therapist I spent all morning with one last "binge" on the phone. My past experience is that I can commit to a therapist though for a while. Its just that when I relapse, it takes me so far back and it is so hard to start again and each relapse is worse. Such as this one has gotten me hiv positive. I am determined to fight though.  Again thank you for your thoughts

Offline rick21007

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2009, 04:40:15 PM »
Matt--you seem to have some great insights and certainly the motivation is there.  I hope you are seeing a therapist who is knowledgeable/trained in treating addictions.  This is important.  Don't beat yourself up when you relapse.  There is a great Zen saying, "Fall down 7 times, get up 8"  Working the 12 steps, especially if you can find a sponsor (a female one when you are a gay male) really can be effective.  Also there are some medications such as Wellbutrin (buproprion) that reduce compulsive behaviors in some people.  BTW addiction(s) is a neurological condition involving reward-seeking behavior---yes getting that dopamine rush when you cum.  Another strategy is to switch addictions to a healthier or less harmful behavior and to find and practice other stress-reduction strategies, e.g. meditation.   Best of Luck to you!
Rick

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2009, 05:04:00 PM »
Thanks Rick,
I have read a lot about my problem with sex over the years and i have actually forgiven myself for a lot of other things which i now see were all bullshit messages from my past, but this one really hits close to home.  I was saying on another board, that it feels just like i did when i was 13 and realiized i was gay.  I didn't want to be gay (in Southern Fundamentalist East Tennessee in 1979) and then i went through all this time getting over that.  I thought i was in the home stretch.  I actually liked my life (mostly), but i couldn't shake the sex addiction.  I knew that was a slight problem, but i lived with it for all those years.  And i actually liked being gay.  I thought i was too smart for HIV and my addiction.  It really caught me off guard.  When i went in to my local dr to ask for the std tests, i was convinced that this was syphilis (and that i could handle that).  It's something I don't want to accept.  I find myself thinking of who gave it to me, what i could have done to avoid it, what happened (because i was mostly safe).  My obsessive mind just keeps me in that circle and i am really fighting it.  I am trying to talk myself into accepting this and it's hard period.

Thank you Rick and all of you for your encouragement and your sharing.  Maybe this will open me up to more people and make me like you guys.  I really appreciate it.
Matt

Offline YaKaMein

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2009, 05:56:24 PM »
Matt,
Sounds like you're well on your way to recovery. Your self-awareness and commitment to modify your behavior will cement your success. I can't speak directly to addictions but know many who deal with various addictive struggles. Relapse is common. Create as much support from sponsors, friends, family as you can. You know what works for you if it's medication, therapy or sure will. Wishing you the best in overcoming your hurdles.
- YaKa

PS. I didn't react to Mega's post as indignant. Instead, I saw it from the perspective that one's addictions can be affirmed by many complicated factors and experiences. Sometimes, 'bad' can happen to us even when it's derived from 'good'. It's how we proceed from it.
09/11 Endocrine Consult
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Offline RWR

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2009, 07:14:11 PM »
i too Matt feel like i have a sex addiction.  I look every day at m4m Craig's list and almost shake with the pictures. I do not want to infect anyone or catch something i do not have so i have learned to just look and not to react.
Hiv+ 1986
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Bobby

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2009, 09:42:57 PM »
Craigslist m4m is where I got hiv. I started out "looking" and then started emailing. I was one of those "endless email" guys, then I progressed to meeting someone. For me craigslist was a superaddiction like a sex cafeteria where I could have a latin one day and an asian the next. I couldn't handle it. I even thought of meeting someone right after I was diagnosed. I actually set up a meeting with two guys but then I told them I was poz to sort of see what happened. I was driving today and started thinking that this is really a blessing and a curse to be poz. Its really changed the way I look at sex and myself. I wonder what I will be if I can manage to act out less or not at all. That part I am sort of excited about in a wierd way. Its just the waves of unbearable shame that I can't seem to handle. Stds are so shameful for me. And hiv seems to really wash shame over me fiercely. It actually gives me these little panic attacks. I think they are over my loss of the ability to exercise this addiction with the mindlessness I once had.
Your thoughts and communication mean so much to me thank you

Offline RWR

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2009, 05:42:35 PM »
Hey Matt i still look everyday a few times but have never gone there.  It is fun for me to have a fantasy still.  I have seen guys put aids or hiv poz and you never see them again post. Good luck and write any time    Bobby
Hiv+ 1986
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Offline RWR

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2009, 05:45:42 PM »
i do find it amazing all the guys that say i want a hiv neg guy.  Or say i am married and you have to be neg.  i know guys that have had lovers die and never get tested because they did not want to know.
Hiv+ 1986
Isentress
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Bobby

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2009, 09:15:43 PM »
Yea I know what u mean. I was always with a negative guy who only topped "safely". I was a fool for falling for that. I saw an add that said bottom looking for bareback sex with disease free top. He was 23. I wrote him and told him I had just been diagnosed. He wrote me back and forth for a few emails. I wasn't really thinking about him. I was just trying to take away his naivete. I talked to all of the guys I was with 12 wks before my rash. They all got tested and said that they were negative. If I slept with a neg guy I don't know if I would tell him either.

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #13 on: March 11, 2009, 10:44:40 PM »
manhunt was my weakness, which I'm sure has done a lot of people in.

Offline Structure310

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2009, 06:51:42 PM »
I always used protection with my online hookups, it was the two times I had one-night stands (one after a club, one after a circuit-party), which got me to this point.  I guess the one-on-one interaction made me feel like I could trust those two, and the last one was the one that infected me based on the window period.  I also feel like I can't do the one-night stands/hookups ever again, which for me is daunting since I felt like I was still young and hadn't gotten it out of my system.

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2009, 09:07:43 PM »
Yea. I know what u mean. I was so lonely while I was hooking up yet I grieve over the lost ability to hook-up. Its ironic. I was just sitting here terribly missing this kid I was seeing that I refused to give more time to when I was negative.  I used to tell him to move on and now he has and I feel that lost. When I was negative I was such an asshole. A needy asshole but still an asshole. I am old enough and experienced enough to know that something amazing could come out of this loss but I still miss my sex addiction. It is a daily struggle not to give in to the urge to act out. Lately I have been indulging myself with some bottom line behaviors which I know could lead me back to that life. I just don't want to feel the loss and I am looking for a diversion that will numb my pain. That's what sex was b4 and it could be again if I don't watch out.

Offline mecch

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2009, 10:10:15 PM »
I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
What i can't figure out when i read your post is how you managed to be a "sex addict" for 28 years and only start having "anonymous sex" a year ago. Does that mean you were a sex addict with regular lovers for all that time until a year ago?
What does that label "sex addict" mean to you anyway.
There are definitions that fit into 12 step programs but you might find that its a label that doesnt have much use if you are in, for example, individual pyschotherapy.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bocker3

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2009, 10:30:59 PM »
What does that label "sex addict" mean to you anyway.
There are definitions that fit into 12 step programs but you might find that its a label that doesnt have much use if you are in, for example, individual pyschotherapy.

I'm not sure what you are getting at here - perhaps it's a case of sematics. 
While I've not been to an SLA meeting, I've spent many years in a different 12-step program (AA).  I've also been in therapay a number of times over the years -- some for alcohol, some for "underlying" issues.  Bottomline is -- if someone feels they are having a problem with "something", be it booze, drugs, sex, food -- they are probably having a problem with it.  Their definition of a problem may be different from someone else's, but if it is negatively impacting their life -- they are right to do something about it.  I know folks in AA who would never have considered themselves alcoholic if they had "only" hit my bottom -- they needed to go further -- but I can promise you that I felt that my life had truly become unmanageable.

Bottomline is that you have to follow your gut in situations like this -- and it is very often very individualistic.

Mike
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Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2009, 10:31:45 PM »
My sex addiction to me was really compulsive masturbation that involved phone sex later, cost me lots of money and took a lot of time. I would binge on that for years. It was great for control. I always told myself that I did that to keep from getting hiv. I would do it for hours and hours. Then I found online chat and then I migrated to craigslist. I would put my pic out there and get with guys. I was so pent up with so much desire for sex that I became just as obsessive. There was no limiting myself. I guess I call myself an addict cause I had no control over it and even early on it cost me a great deal in time and money and then it also caused me great shame. I kept it a well-guarded secret forever.

Offline Joe K

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2009, 12:04:56 PM »
Hey Poz,

Any activity that disrupts your life, to the extent that your life becomes dysfunctional can be labeled as anything you want, as long as you recognize the issue.  I have a long history of anxiety and depression and at one time I was a binge drinker and I have fought the addiction of cocaine, so I can appreciate the challenges of excessive behavior.  However, I do not see my self as a "recovering addict", rather, I see myself as someone who has faced enormous challenges in my life and as a result I have no shame in seeking whatever help, I believe will be beneficial.

To me, labels are useful as a way of categorizing the issues we face, yet lose most of their meaning, when used out of context.  That is one reason why I abhor labels.  What I believe is important, is that you recognize personal behaviors that are impacting the quality of your life and you realize that you must change those behaviors, to regain your quality of life.  This recognition, on your part, is one of the most important steps, you can take, on your road to your own recovery.

I encourage you to try and view your circumstances as unique to you and to use your abilities, to regain whatever it is, you believe you have lost.  Try to look past the shame and stigma, of having an addiction and concentrate on how you feel, the actions you take and what you believe to be the real problems in your life.  I urge you to try any and all types of support, until you find one that works for you.  To me, there is never any shame in seeking support, because it is strength that allows a person to admit they need help.

Lastly, I ask that you look deep inside yourself and find that place, wherever it may be, that contains your personal pride.  You, my friend, are facing some incredible challenges and you need to give yourself a break.  I can read the shame and self-loathing in your words and all I can offer is that you are being very unfair to you.  Granted, you face a rough road to recovery and you will need all the fortitude that you can muster and you cannot do that from a place of shame.

You have done nothing wrong and the sooner you can see your own reality, the faster your recovery will be.  Work at becoming your own best friend, because best friends always forgive friends mistakes.

Offline mecch

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2009, 06:16:50 PM »
Ah that really clarifies it.
Yes I agree with others, if it really gets in the way of your life than its a problem.
Killfoile says something very wise, about just dealing with yourself and your challenges, and avoiding labels. That was what i was getting at when i asked what you meant by "sex addict".
But if labels help you to solve the problem, by all means!

You know, I know some well adjusted people, and i know an AWFUL lot of people who are rather obsessed or disfunctional about something or another.  Its really human after all, hope you can find the adjustment you desire and set aside the shame - so many of us face something similar at least at some time in life.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mudman8

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2009, 06:46:15 PM »
anything can be an addiction.  I love sex, can't live without it. Even as a kid when I discovered erections happening I was addicted.  Food, sex and sleep are primal drives we have to have.  More with some of us than others in different amounts.  Find your balance.

in Late 80s and the epidemic was raging, i didn't want to test, I was in grad school, my ex and a best friend both died by 90.  I was trying not to have sex or just by myself.  It didn't work out, tho met a fun guy to work the stress out with on Saturday nights, it was a wild experience. Just what I needed to handle the stress of grad school.  What I was really missing was being intimate with another man.  I graduated in 91  and looking for fun I started line dancing and learning to 2 step.  Man that was so much fun, and a night of dancing and being in someone's arms took away that urge to act out.

But I'm 55 now and for the last 8 years I've been having the best time with  poz guys I met online. One special one every weekend now, and not playing with all the others like I was,  tho there are exceptions. Life is about change and dropping old habits, or working into new experiences, is what it's all about. Don't resist change and drop what's not important anymore.

Maybe you should look for encounter groups to make deeper connections and get you to relax. Body Electric has massage and mediation weekends.   I"ve been to other people trying to address those spiritual connections in group encounters.  They were more popular a few decades ago than now. Focusing on the NOW instead of a feeding frenzy.

I have problems with addiction groups, no one ever seems to graduate, they keep you under suspicion and guilt.  tho some guys I"ve run into have horrid stories and need that kind of attention.

I like that phrase about falling down 7 times and getting up 8.


Life is analog

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2009, 08:24:17 PM »
Yea I was so horribly out of balance. I don't really care for 12 step groups either I do like meditation though and I will find the balance some day. For me sex is magic but I put too much of a story in the other guy. Ironically I wanted to be free of the burden of sex for a while. And hiv is doing that. Like a drinker who stops I am having a hard time with emotions that I never acknowledged while my head was all about sex. I am trying to figure out who I am as a positive guy who is not having sex right now.

Offline Structure310

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2009, 06:03:17 PM »
I also find that I have more time to think lately because my mind isn't always on sex.  Although that's been fading lately and I'm realizing I can still have sex as long as I use protection (which I always did anyways).

Offline Texan38

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2009, 07:02:30 PM »
For many years I had lots of one night stands, mostly nameless one night stands at that. Then last year, I started feeling different. It seemed that the more sex I had, the lonelier I felt. It felt great to have someone pay attention to me. It felt great to feel wanted. It felt great to have sex but then I began to realize something, I was substituting sex with intimacy and that's what was missing in my life. Intimacy, love. I was reaching out to strangers to fill that void, that emptiness I had. I came to a point in my life when I finally realized I needed to love me first. I needed to have self respect.
I'm still working on that but I'll tell you what, I feel so much better. I don't have the need to feel wanted. I don't need to feel good for less than half an hour then go home feeling empty. I feel good about myself. I love myself, I respect myself and those are two things no one night stand ever made me feel and I'm glad to have found my way back to loving, living life again.
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Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2009, 09:41:14 PM »
Yes structure the additional time without sex for me has been very welcome. I remember thinking I could not escape sex.
Texan, I think for me this disease is going to make me more mindful. Even at the end of my sex binge, I was unable to concentrate on anything else. I was truly mindless. I probably had no self esteem but I think it was because I had no sense of self. I have been meditating a lot and I have been facing all my emotional attachments that drove me to sex as a way to numb myself and get rid of my bad feelings. Now I have these intense feelings and no working method to numb them. The sex thoughts just don't work anymore. I am not interested in it right now and that lack of interest doesn't really bother me. The pursuit of sex and love didn't ever satisfy the urge. It just compounded it more and more so that I seemed to disappear after awhile. After these past 10 years, I dony even know who I am anymore. Now is a good time to find that out. Peace.

Offline boi2kwik4u

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #26 on: May 06, 2009, 07:50:13 PM »
I finally deleted my manhunt account last night after 7 years.  I don't think I have sex addiction but all those hook up sites just get me into trouble and have given me a bad name.  I still have CL or a4a but it's not too popular here.   

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #27 on: May 06, 2009, 09:04:15 PM »
I don't think by any means that it is addictive for everyone. But for me it was too much of an obsession which ended here. I ended up not protecting myself and got the virus.

I always tell my sister that I would still smoke if I could do it as casually as she. But for me one cigarette after dinner quickly becomes 2 packs a day. That was 12 years ago and I can't wait to see who I can become without being overly obsessed with sex. Sounds like you already have your head on straight. Take care
Matt

Offline Annie

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #28 on: May 08, 2009, 01:47:57 AM »
Hi Matt...after reading your and the other  posts I felt compelled to send this.  First let me say congratulations on your honesty...by admitting to having a problem the battle is already half over.  You said you have read a lot about sex addiction.  I hope your reading included "Out of the Shadows",  "Don't Call It Love", or any book by Patrick Carnies, who is the researcher who first identified and then coined the term sex addiction.  If you haven't read them I highly suggest you do.  You will come away with more insight into what sex addiction is truly all about, the cycle, triggers, and help you in developing a relapse prevention plans.

Other books that might be very helpful regarding childhood issues are "It Will Never Happen To Me" by Claudia Black; and "Healing the Shame that Binds You", "Bradshaw on: The Family" , or any other book written by John Bradshaw.  These books will help you gain more insight into how your childhood effects you now such as your thought processes, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.  They will also help direct your recovery process.

Also I see that others have referred you to SLAA.  I would refer you to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) or Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) to participate in as these two meeting are geared more to individuals who sexually act out like you describe doing.  SLA tends to be geared more towards individuals jumping from one relationship to another.  Don't get me wrong SLAA is a good support group but does not really address sex addiction as sex addiction.  Rather it addresses sex addiction more of a love addiction.  Just try out the others or at least Google all three and read about them so that you can make a more informed choice about what group would best fit your needs. Also if you find you are needing more resources then Google SexHelp.com, a website established by Dr. Carnies.  There is all sorts of information available on this website to help you out.

The most wounded and pained individuals I have ever worked with were sex addicts.  The best of luck and all the strength to you as you trudge the steps of recovery   :)

Annie







Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #29 on: May 08, 2009, 06:58:54 AM »
Thanks Annie. I have read carnes and bradshaw. I will go to website. HIV is where I hit bottom. By not protecting myself it has really externalized all the shame that I had internalized and sought to cover up with phone sex, internet and then anonymous sex.  Love addiction on top of that made me really vulnerable and blind to risks I should have known better about. I didn't protect myself and here I am. The HIV oddly has for the first time removed sex from the equation. I feel physically ill at the thought of my old acting out and I can't go back to it.
I haven't found any live support groups closer than 60 miles away. But I am working with a therapist.

Yesterday we did an amazing shame release process that really seemed to alleviate some of the pain and I can do it myself when I notice the shame creep up.
So for me this whole disease seems to be a culmination of shame coming to the surface in a way that will not allow me to ignore it any more.
And in this whole context, I feel wierdly liberated from sex (the way it used to haunt me). I actually look forward to being someone new and better. Where before I was never convinced that I could escape my "sex mind". So I am different now. There is pain and suffering but it really is very old shame stuff that has nothing to do with HIV. HIV has just allowed me to start dealing with it. For that I am grateful.
Matt

Offline moratorium79

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #30 on: May 13, 2009, 05:06:16 AM »
I'm glad to hear about the "shame relief" because I think that shame is one of the biggest obstacles people with addictions of any sort face.  It's also a good way to remain drudged in your old destructive behavior, as you never reach out for help because you are too ashamed to do so.

I've found also that shame is over abundant in the HIV + community.  It is still something I struggle with on a near daily basis.  I think it's commendable that you know what your issues are and that you are strong enough to take those forward steps and not allow yourself to be consumed by them any longer.  I'm impressed with your honesty (it truly is very easy to lie to yourself, and thereby to everyone else).

So good job!  Your awareness will definitely lead you to where you want to be, and I'm pleased to see you are getting help with the things that really need to be dealt with and act as catalysts to the behavior you're trying to change (shame, I'm talking to you).
*these are not times for the weak of heart*

Offline Dwayn20

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #31 on: May 19, 2009, 06:45:21 PM »
Hey Matt your not alone in this addiction I was pretty much what you  described.I would go to New Orleans For doctors appointments and would leave the night before so I could go to the Bars and sometimes hook up with some one here are there.Then I would stay at the Baths for the next 24 hours don,t get me wrong I very seldom hooked up with anyone at the Baths but more the Watcher more than any thing else.But if the bathrooms at the bars and the balcony could talk. If you are wondering if Mark knows about what I was doing yes he did and when I was gone he did the same only conditions were not to lie about it.I have had friend go to New Orleans with me an the first thing out of there mouth is Scooter did this are that.They were trying to start mess.I would never put any one at risk.My point was that is the human condition.To eat the forbidden Frurt to know it,s wrong.
Scooter




Quote from: positivat link=topic=26000.msg324164#msg 324164 date=1235942699
I have been a sex addict for many years (28 probably).  I am 42, i just started having anonymous sex in jun 08.  i had 16 encounters with 12 people in 6 months.  I came down with acute Retroviral Syndrome christmas 08 and was diagnosed positive 1/30/09.  my addiction needs to be addressed.  This is my wake up call to work on my addiction.  i know that it is because of my childhood problems being neglected and wanting to medicate my pain and loneliness.  i like the rush of dopamine i get from orgasm.  i can literally feel the rush when i cum.  i would like to get past this addiction once and for all.  But i can't control my desire for sex and orgasm.  Has anyone followed this path and come clean.  I don't hear gay men admitting that sex addiction causes them problems, but i can track this addiction from its beginnings to my diagnosis quite clearly.  i quit for a while and then fail over and over. 
Matt

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #32 on: May 19, 2009, 07:29:05 PM »
I remember "The Rawhide" in the quarter. That was my first intro into anonymous sex. Very hot. I was scared to death to get HIV back then. The reason my addiction was so bad was that it recently got me so mindless about the virus, I just turned my head to it and thought it wouldn't happen to me.

I am getting a lot more comfortable with my status as the days go by. I have started to accept the way things are more and more. I am getting to realize that I was hell bent on getting this virus. I wasn't going to stop the risky behavior til I got here. I am actually feeling ok more often than not. It's still like I just got hit over the head but healing now. Looking back, I don't think anyone could have stopped me on my self destruction. Now the virus keeps me in a much more mindful state.

Before my diagnosis, everyone was a piece of meat to sleep with. Now I see other qualities in people and respond to them in a much more accepting way.

Matt

Offline Dwayn20

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #33 on: May 19, 2009, 07:56:19 PM »
Hey Matt my infection was from anonymous sex country boy was offered money and I was more than willing the sad part was that was my first time having sex with a man before that I had a old man giving me blowjobs but nothing other than that.There were no one close that I new was gay.Now going back to my home town they are every where my must not had my Gay Dar installed yet.But even though I got the Virus from this I still think of this fondly.Because it was my first man to man sex.No regrets.As for the trips to New Orleans it was like a kid in a candy store.I made a friend at the Hiv clinic and started staying at his house and he took me to all the bars and What he called the Fruit Loop I had no idea about New Orleans was the Greyhound Bus Station and the walk to the Clinic was to scared to go any where else.But after my friend took me to the bars an cruising spots I was hooked.My friend had opened pandora box.As for my friend my he rest in peace.The time,s he showed in New Orleans I would not trade for nothing in the world.I don,t have any regrets.
Scooter

Offline positivmat

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Re: Sex addiction
« Reply #34 on: May 19, 2009, 09:25:56 PM »
Yea I miss New Orleans and doing anything and everything. I don't regret having the experiences I had there but I had to get out. I knew then that it would eat me alive. But I had goođ times there too. 

 


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