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Author Topic: I broke today  (Read 4171 times)

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Offline HollyStar

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  • Posts: 344
I broke today
« on: February 20, 2009, 11:29:59 PM »
Hello everyone,

Some of you may remember that I started a thread in LW about my boyfriend being a crack addict. I have stuck by him a long time. He has had long sober periods that gave me hope that he was really making progress and that we could some how work out.

The last couple of months he has relapsed several times and I kept telling him I couldn't take it anymore. He has said that his addiction has nothing to do with me but it affects me deeply. There were some numbers on his phone that I questioned him about and I knew he was lieing to me. Anyway, I packed up my shit and we made up sort-of. The next morning I just knew he was lieing, even though I wanted to believe that he was telling me the truth. So he gave me $150 and I left. I wandered around for awhile not really knowing what I was going to do and him calling me several times. Anyway, I decided to come home and saw his dealer on the way to the house. It was some chick with her baby and some guy. I drove past them and saw that my boyfriend was waiting for her.

To say the least, I completely lost it. The bf was trying to get to the car that was parked behind me to get his dope. I went after him and knocked into him and him trying to force me away. I threatened to call CPS on this person even though I won't. They leave after a few more words and wide eyes looking at me going crazy.

I really screwed up my car in this whole ordeal and my bf and I raced to the house and into the house. I grabbed his pill bottles and tried to stuff as many valiums and zanex in my mouth as possible. He wrestled most of them out of me. We were actually on the floor with him on me trying to get these things out of my mouth and hands. Anyway, he made me drink salt water to throw up and hours later, here I am typing this out.

I feel so ashamed and stupid. One of my fears was becoming a crazy woman and now here I am exactly that. I am in no shape to go anywhere right now, so I am still home.

I had an appointment yesterday with my ID doctor and I told him some stuff and I got an appointment with a therapist soon. And then all this happened today. I already know that I am co-dependent and that was one of the reasons the doc referred me to a therapist. I scared my bf and myself today. I didn't really want to die, I was angry, tired of being lied to and obviously at my wits end. Today my bf saw his woman going towards the edge and then over it. I just didn't know what to do anymore and still don't but I think that I will do this again. I don't like feeling the way I do now and I hope that if anyone responds that you will be gentle.

I know I have issues and will give this therapy a try. I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading and I WILL be ok.

Edited to say that I will NOT do this again. I forgot to type the word not in the sentence 'I just didn't know what to do anymore and still don't but I think that I will do this again.' That is not what I meant to type, just so people know.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2009, 01:20:41 AM by HollyStar »
Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline maddalfred

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Re: I broke today
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2009, 05:37:28 AM »
I don't think there is anything I can add or give you any advice you haven't already heard a million times, but I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best. Thank you for your honesty.

Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Online BT65

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Re: I broke today
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2009, 07:54:24 AM »
Hey Holly,

Yes, I remember your post in 'living with' about your boyfriend.

Since you know you're codependent (and probably also an enabler), I strongly encourage you to go to Nar-Anon (Narcoics Anonymous' version of Al-Anon), or if there is no Nar-Anon where you live, go to Al-Anon.  They will help you learn how to keep the focus on you, instead of your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend is taking Valium and Xanax, he's already got problems without him adding crack to it (I've been strung out on those tranquilizers before).  But I'm sure they help him come down off his highs.  Just remember, no one is worth your life and your try at suicide is not going to change your boyfriend.  I remember I used to threaten suicide to try to change people, only to find out that didn't work. (I'm not saying that's why you did it).  You boyfriend has got to want to change because he decides to, not because of what you wish.  I'm not trying to be hard on you, just sayin'.  And don't try to kill yourself because someone else is ruining their life.  That's two lives wasted.

You've got to start concentrating on your life and what you want to do instead of being caught up in all this crises.  I'm glad you're going to talk with a therapist.  I hope the therapist is one who's familiar with addiction, and people who are in relationships with addicts/alcoholics, so (s)he can help you take back your life and not worry about your boyfriend. 

I've been on both ends of the spectrum-as a using addict, and someone who's been in relationships with using addicts.  What I've learned is, through years of experience, is that an addict will not change for anyone else, whether it be a parent, child or a partner.  Well, they might for a minute, but it won't last.  The one you've got to concentrate on changing is you.  Please take care.  We're here.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I broke today
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2009, 09:08:39 AM »
Holly, I'm so happy that you didn't succeed with the pills!

I want to second BT's suggestion of going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for a while years ago (due to my [now] ex-husband's drinking) and it really helped me a lot. I learned things there that have served me well through the years and helped me make more sense of things that went on between my parents when I was a child. And of course it helped me in my relationship with the ex. (even though we did end up getting divorced!) 

Please take care of yourself - and don't beat yourself up or feel ashamed about what you did. We all have our breaking points and at least there was no lasting damage to you.

(((((Holly)))))

More hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Texan38

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Re: I broke today
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2009, 11:00:05 AM »
Hi Holly,

You've received some excellent advise so all I want to say to you is don't you ever feel ashamed.  To me is sounds as if you had so many feelings built up inside you, you just couldn't take it anymore.
You're going to get help from a therapist and that's wonderful. Just by stating you don't want to die only proves you're wanting to change and that's a step in the right direction. Since you want to change, you will and you'll also come to realize that by helping yourself, it will only benefit you for the better. 

<<HUGS>>

Take care of you.  :-*
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline HollyStar

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  • Posts: 344
Re: I broke today
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2009, 06:04:42 PM »
Hi everyone,

Thank you for responding to me. Most of the time this place is all I have to turn to. Even if I don't always post, I find it comforting.

Betty, I didn't think to ask my ID doctor to refer me to an addiction therapist but I will give this guy a shot and see if I'm comfortable with him. I've only been to therapy a couple of times. One time I was forced to go when I was young but the lady told me that usually people at that age (about 14-15) come to her in crisis and that I seemed perfectly able to deal with issues on my own and I was not in crisis. Nothing I didn't already know, lol. Another time I went to see another therapist on my own and felt worse. I spilled my guts to this lady and told I need anti-depressents all in only a 30-minute appointment (this lady in no longer working at my clinic). I do have confidence in my ID doctor though, so I will see what happens.

Also, the bf rarely takes the valium and zanex. He has said that he has taken a valium before when he was feeling anxious and wanting to get dope and it took the anxiety and desire away. Just another thing that could turn into a crutch, I guess.

Ann, I'm glad that I didn't succeed either with the pills. I thought I was stronger than this. I think that I used to be but I've allowed myself to become worn down and completely wrapped up in this shit.

Texan and Rex, Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated.

I'm trying to keep my brain busy today, at least somewhat. My doctor told me I need to get a job, LOL. So for the last couple of days I have been looking in the paper, not much there but I will keep looking. I do need my own money and get a nest egg going. Anyway, thanks again everyone. I hope to find the strength I need for this.

Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: I broke today
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2009, 11:33:55 PM »
Hi Holly,

I know how hard it is to love an addict, wanting and hoping that you can make this person make changes for the better, just to watch them spin out of control till they hit rock bottom once again. 

It sounds to me that you want out of the vicious cycle of the addiction to the addict.  Its hard to leave someone you care about, but if it means moving on to a more positive place in your life, it may be the step to take.  You said that you don't have the means to leave.  I don't know where you live, but where I live, we have Women's Shelter for the abused and women trying to start anew.  Your ID. might be able to get you in contact with a shelter in your area. 

No matter what you decide do, do what is best for you.  Life is hard enough without trying to heal someone that is not ready, it has to be his choice to seek help for his addictions.  He has to do it for him, not anyone else.

I hope things get better.

Hugs.

 

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I broke today
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2009, 09:27:08 AM »
 
No matter what you decide do, do what is best for you.  Life is hard enough without trying to heal someone that is not ready, it has to be his choice to seek help for his addictions.  He has to do it for him, not anyone else.


Absolutely! That is one of the hardest lessons in life I have ever had to learn.

How are you doing Holly? Hope you're ok - please let us know.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline HollyStar

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
Re: I broke today
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2009, 04:31:51 PM »
Hi there,

I'm ok. I'm in a better head space but still depressed. I often wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. I see a therapist on the 2nd.

I know I can't make him change, I wish I could though. We have been together a long time and it's hard to think about throwing in the towel. But I also don't want to go through this anymore. He's not a young man and doesn't bounce back like he may have at one time but an addict rarely thinks about the consequences. Everything falls into disrepair including the people that love him most.

I'm still here though. Thanks for your thoughts.
Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline leatherman

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Re: I broke today
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2009, 04:50:36 PM »
I am sorry to read about all your woes, Holly. Being single, being a couple; neither is an easy route to go, is it?  ;)  Still having side effects from the meds? You are still taking them, right? ;) Even while all this is going on with the bf? No matter how things turn out with this guy, you gotta keep things together and stay on top of those meds, so that YOU stay healthy.  :-*

mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline HollyStar

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  • Posts: 344
Re: I broke today
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2009, 08:52:47 PM »
Your right Mikie, neither is easy. As for the effects of the meds, I'm doing fine. I didn't take my Atripla the day this all happened but I have not missed any other doses. I have no desire to become resistant, especially so early on. Thanks for your concern.
Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline GNYC09

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  • Posts: 702
Re: I broke today
« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2009, 09:22:14 PM »
Holly,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through!  A few years ago I was living with my drug-addicted boyfriend, going through tons of drama, and became "the crazy woman" on several occasions. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.  I won't lie, it took a long time to heal but the fact is the drugs are #1 for addicts. You have to take care of yourself first. You don't deserve the constant up and down of the relationship especially since it affects your health. Have faith that leaving your boyfriend is the right decision and continue to turn to friends and this board for support.

Wishing you strength and joy!


Offline positivmat

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  • Posts: 222
Re: I broke today
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2009, 08:12:14 PM »
Holly, I just read your post and wanted to send my good intentions out to you. Loving addicts is hard on your psyche. Alcohol and drugs devastated my family of origin. No shame. Everyone's path is different and you have already risen to the challenge. Take care
Matt

 


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