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Author Topic: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc  (Read 1505 times)

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Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« on: February 23, 2009, 02:02:29 PM »
Well, I've certainly had a totally awful past couple of weeks. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown and ended up on the mental health unit at my local hospital for ten days because I wanted to kill myself. I didn't even realize how stressed out I was until I was seriously considering suicide. I'm doing somewhat better now, staying with my mom for support. I was finally able to tell her about my diagnosis, and she's being really supportive. I'm still quite emotionally overwhelmed though. Thankfully, I have medication to help me with my anxiety. Also, I'm physically feeling pretty bad too. I've had a headache pretty much daily for almost a month and a variety of other body issues. Because of all this, the doctors told me not to go back to school this semester. It feels like my life is falling apart. I'm just feeling so many different feelings, and in so much pain, both physical and emotional. I don't really know why I'm posting this, because there isn't anything anyone can do about it, but I figured I would anyway.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline maddalfred

  • Member
  • Posts: 128
  • Self Portrait
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2009, 02:34:17 PM »
Welcome. I am glad you found your way here and glad you did not succeed in ending your life. I am also happy to see that you have the support of your mother in such a rough period as you are in. You have far more going for you than some of us here even though you may not feel that way now.

You are right in saying there is nothing anyone here can do other than be here to listen and offer you suggestions as to what we do when we feel as you do in order to hang on until our perspective improves. HIV is NOT a death sentence, for me it is a LIFE sentence in a good way.

I was diagnosed last June and have since realized a lot of things I have to live for and have found many things that are really important in living life other than material goods or being popular to others or any number of issues that are really NOT so important to being happy. I have no doubt I would not have realized what is truly important to me until I faced these things that are not. I think it took a diagnosis of HIV and Hep C to force me to examine myself and my life as you are sure to do in the coming days, weeks and years.

Right now, try to focus on today, what is important for you today and let tomorrow and next week take care of itself. There is much to live for and you have much to offer others whether you realize it now or not.

Keep talking. We are listening. We care.

Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2009, 12:56:52 AM »
I guess for me I feel like I constantly getting my butt kicked by the cosmic forces of fate or whatever. Because I'm autistic and trans, I was misdiagnosed and spent 8 or so years in and out of mental hospitals on heavy medications. I was also unable to transition until very recently. I'm certainly not popular, nor do I have money or anything. I've lived on supplemental security income since I turned eighteen, and good month for me money wise is being able to treat myself to a magazine or something. I know its selfish or whatever, but I feel so jealous of all the people that have such easy lives. Every day of my life is a struggle, and was even before I was diagnosed. I know life isn't fair, but I swear I'm getting about ten peoples worth of shitty situations.
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline tag_man08

  • Member
  • Posts: 118
  • Keep Dreaming!!!
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2009, 03:50:11 AM »
Sounds like checking into the clinic was the best thing for you.  Remember you cant compare yourself to others.  Everyone handles stress differently.   A good support system is key during this time in your life.  You can't deal with the emotions alone.  It will eat you alive inside.  HIV is not a death sentence.  Its a disease that invaded your body.  People are living many years on drugs.  And you will too.  Finding friends with HIV has really helped me emotionally.  This website will help you as well.  Don't give up...you can beat this.  Try to stay active and do something outside.  LIVE.  Their is a big world out there waiting on you. 
08/30/07:  The HIV diagnosis...
09/07/07:  CD4 299 (21%)  VL 160K
01/07/08:  CD4 396 (26%)  VL 125K
04/21/08:  CD4 478 (25%)  VL 92K
09/03/08:  CD4 313 (23%)  VL 10K
11/03/08:  CD4 338 (23%)  VL 30K
11/21/08:  Isentress & Truvada
12/05/08:  CD4 485 (29%)  VL  undetectable in two weeks
03/13/09:  CD4 575 (30%)  VL  undetectable

Offline hades01

  • Member
  • Posts: 60
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2009, 05:37:14 PM »
We are here in this together and we are here for eachother!
Life is what you do with the time given to us!
hope you are doing better these days!   :D ;D ;)
Eduardo Cabrera
"Life will never give me what i want, only what is best for me"
08-08-2008 HIV+ (What a day)
08-14-2008 VL 105K   CD4 199 (Pretified and hopeless)
11-14-2008 Started Atripla  and no side effects at all yet
Lab Results 12-31-2008 VL 220 CD4 189
Lab Results 03-31-2009 VL undetectable CD4 308
Lab Results 06-30-2009 VL Undetectable & CD4 274
Lab Results 09-30-2009 VL Undetectable & CD4 410
Lab Results 10-06-2010 VL Undetectable & CD4 514 %34

Offline maddalfred

  • Member
  • Posts: 128
  • Self Portrait
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2009, 09:35:32 AM »
Please keep us posted on how you are feeling. It makes me nervous when I see someone start a thread such as yours and then never see any more updates.  :-\ I want to read you are doing better to ease my mind about you..

Hugz


Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline odyssey

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
  • One Crazy Mofo!
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2009, 12:11:44 PM »
I've been doing much better emotionally lately. I was able to tell my mom about being poz, so now I have my biggest supporter on board. She and I went on a mini vacation to get away and lift our spirits. I'm not feeling depressed much at all anymore. Now I'm just dealing with all the physical stuff. Once the depression went away, I got an ear infection and then a brutal outbreak of cold sores inside my mouth that makes it almost impossible to eat. But I'm the kind of person that prefers physical pain to emotional pain, so I'm still pretty darn cheery. Thanks to everyone who responded to my post, I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone. And I'm sorry I made you nervous Rex!
01/09/09- diagnosed HIV+
01/16/09   CD4-425    22%  VL- 32,415
11/09- started Reyetaz/Norvir/Truvada
03/10- stopped R/N/T
10/18/11   CD4- 328   20%  VL- 84,000
10/25/11   CD4- 386   22%
10/28/11- start Truvada/Reyetaz/Norvir
12/30/11  CD4- 523  29%
03/08/12  CD4- 503  31%  VL 57
07/02/12  CD4- 897  43%
08/31/12  CD4- 745  39%
12/27/12  CD4- 884  40%
03/28/13  CD4- 819  39%
07/19/13  CD4- 739  40%
10/17/13  CD4- 535  36%
01/16/14  CD4- 743  43%

02/14- switched from R/N/T to Tivicay/Epzicom because of CKD 3 suspected from tenofovir.

03/14- switched back to R/N/T due to severe nausea and inability to eat on T/E.
 
04/01/14 CD4- 898  42%   VL-

Offline tag_man08

  • Member
  • Posts: 118
  • Keep Dreaming!!!
Re: Depression, Denial, and General Havoc
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2009, 03:51:19 AM »
Just keep taking one day at a time.  It will get better and each day you will spend less time worrying about HIV.  When the time comes for you to be on meds, your doctor will let you know.  Just continue to focus on you and get out in the world.  Continue like you did before.  You will get stronger.
08/30/07:  The HIV diagnosis...
09/07/07:  CD4 299 (21%)  VL 160K
01/07/08:  CD4 396 (26%)  VL 125K
04/21/08:  CD4 478 (25%)  VL 92K
09/03/08:  CD4 313 (23%)  VL 10K
11/03/08:  CD4 338 (23%)  VL 30K
11/21/08:  Isentress & Truvada
12/05/08:  CD4 485 (29%)  VL  undetectable in two weeks
03/13/09:  CD4 575 (30%)  VL  undetectable

 


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