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Author Topic: addiction and reality  (Read 10338 times)

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Offline sensual1973

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addiction and reality
« on: February 01, 2009, 07:31:53 PM »

i was a heavy drinker,and a heavy tranquilzer abuser to over come my anxiety and resentement towards my society/religion/God back home.i travelled to the UK thinking i will be having fun.i drank more and used more and ended up having unprotected sex.

ever since i was diagnosed hiv + (year 2001) i even continued using more and more tranquilizers to control my anxiety and panic attacks and the strict society (middle east) ,till a year ago when i was admited to a detox centre and then continued that by doing the 12 steps program of recovery here in the UK.

am so glad to be clean for almost a year now and have to admit that withdrawing from xanax and valium wasnt an easy task.i thought things will be fine after quitting the drug use,but it is what am going through on a daily basis now,it is me facing reality and facing the fact that i am for real hiv+,i am for real wasted 8 years using drugs and alcohol and was sitting there doing nothing....i cant believe it,it seemes like i was in a dream,and 8 years later and am not ok with my hiv status ??!! abit bizare !!

i go through alot of anger and self hate due to what i have caused and the virus that am going to be stuck with for ages.i spend days and days hoping that i will read an article regarding a posible cure to hiv/aids,and then i would hate myslef more becuase i am the one who did that to myself.

i talk to my therapist about my frustration and anger and how much i would love to die or kill myself before i start having side effects from the medications that am on,i would hate myslef more when i see that my chances of finding a partener is much more less than if i was hiv - , i would beat myslef up and cry because i am feeling left out alone.

just wanted to vent out.

thanx all for reading.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2009, 08:11:38 AM »
Sensual,

You're not alone in being in recovery and HIV+.  I went through three treatment programs before being willing to give up all my vices.

You're only in your first year of recovery; that brings a lot of ups and downs with it.  Your system is still really getting those meds out.  And it is the first time you're dealing with being HIV+ while being clean and not numb.  You've got to give yourself a break.  Do you talk about this at meetings?  I do, but most people at the meetings have known for a long time about my Aids diagnosis.  Anyway, that might be a good idea as well.  Do you have a sponsor?  (s)he would also be a good person to talk to. 

Of course, we're here.  Good luck, and just take it easy.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sensual1973

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2009, 10:41:12 AM »
Betty

i have no sponsor yet,and working on finding one soon as i need to finish my steps with.and for my Hiv status no i havent talked about it to anyone from the rooms and dont feel strong enough to share such private information,so i will keep that for myslef and you guys over here.

peace
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2009, 08:49:50 PM »
Sensual,

Of course, if and when you share your status is your business.  Please don't think I was trying to be pushy.  We all have our own process.  Just hang in there.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2009, 06:15:44 PM »
Sensual

Betty has been a Godsend for me during my recovery and acceptance of my HIV status.  For me, it was booze.   Consider yourself strong because coming off tranquilizers is supposed to one of the hardest things to give up.   Keep talking to therapist and keep talking to us.  We are here for support.

Wishing you well

Pete

Offline sensual1973

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2009, 06:11:17 PM »
thank you all for the support,and i must admit that when i first walked into that treatement center i thought that in a month or so i will be free from the hedious Xanax/Valium heavy use that has been going on for 15 years,but now am clean which took me almost 7 months i find myself overwhelmed with my personal issues and the hiv is still the major one.i cant deny that i do alot think of commiting suicide but at the same time there's something in me that wants to live because am very hopefull that one day we will see a better therapy for hiv.

i meet guys who reject me for my status but thats thier decision and i cant change that,the frustrating part is the POZ guys who would also reject me because i insist on having "safer" sex because i just cant afford any other disease that would eventualy stress me more and make me go back and use again (especially Xanax)

i at the meantime think the best solution is to abstain from sex and the gay mandness and live as a priest.

peace
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2009, 05:14:30 PM »
Hey Sensual,

I don't know if you were serious about the remark regarding living as a priest or not, but it made me chuckle.

For a long time after getting off benzo's I had a problem with panic attacks.  I'll tell you what's helping me a great deal (besides cognitive things); 5 mg Zyprexa (I take one before going to bed).  Zyprexa is not an addictive med, and for me, it really does help with the panic issues.  Also, when I go into a big, crowded store, and start to feel my pulse race etc., I tell myself I'm not going to pass out, I'm not going to die etc.  And I tell myself those things convincingly, instead of questioningly (is this a word).

Good luck and hang in there.  It does get better.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sensual1973

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2009, 06:23:03 PM »
Betty
i went to see my GP and he prescirbed beta-blockers to reduce my panic attakcs / phobia . but i still cant sleep till 4 or 5 am and i wake up in a very bad mood and somehow depressed,God nothing seems to be going the right way still but i keep telling myslef that things will be ok but dont know till when i can go on. my therapsit says its psychological withdrawl and it takes time .  i keep fighting back and getting very angry and resentfull when i am supposed to let go to feel better , but there is a severe fight is going on deep inside me , a fight of self hate and self pitty that is tearing me appart and preventing me from taking my recovery a day at a time . am so so frustrated with myself and  the sad situation am at , i just hope this ends soon , as am having enough and enough is enough .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2009, 07:09:09 PM »
Sensual,

The total withdrawal takes a few months, but don't let that get you down.  Do you have phone numbers of people from the meetings you're going to?  I guarantee you that calling someone up and talking to them will help you.  They've been where you're at, can relate, and can help you get through it.  I've been there.  It does get better, but you have to be willing to go through what you gotta go through.  The biggest thing that keeps me clean is that I don't believe I could live through another withdrawal-I'm getting too old and it's too hard on the body.  Of course, the withdrawal being if I made it through another run.  And following that belief, I've been able to make it so far, a little at a time.  Keep it up, we're here for ya.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sensual1973

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2009, 07:10:46 PM »
  I just cant help myslef anymore,not even my therapist whom i saw today , he was upset when i told him that am disgusted with myself and with the situation that i have led myself to.i told him that i dont deserve to be taken care of and am inadiquate.just a sad misserable guy whos life is termiated with this hiv whom i feel is eating my flesh everyday.

  Ever since i started the addiction recovery program am realzing everyday that the hiv was a  conseqeance of my addiction to alcohol and tranquilzers,it makes me sick to the point that i want to run away from myself,i hate it,and i resent myself everyday and every minute.i even at times think of how it would be possible for me to end my life but i know i will never do it because it is against my faith and religion.

  I see myself as a contaminated and expired product of no use , i meet guys and they show their interest in me but i refuse to be with them because i feel dirty and contagious to others , it hurts me to be 36 and  feeling dead already,am dying a slow death and my recovery lead me to this,i dont want to go back using yet i dont like this whole reality,am too scarred after being hiv poz for alomst 8 years,8 years of numbing my feeling with xanax.is that what life is all about ? . no one deserves this virus and no one deserves his life to be rewined by it,it is just unfair ! i dont see any glimpse of hope anymore and i wish i was hit by a truck comming out from my therapsit office today.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2009, 08:32:50 PM »
Sensual,

You just keep letting those pent-up feelings out.  You have years of them (not that it will take years to get them out).  Think of all the years you've been numb; you can't expect to feel 100% right away.  That takes time.  But, you are healing.  Letting it out is healing.

Keep talking.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2009, 11:03:39 PM »
  I just cant help myslef anymore,not even my therapist whom i saw today , he was upset when i told him that am disgusted with myself and with the situation that i have led myself to.i told him that i dont deserve to be taken care of and am inadiquate.just a sad misserable guy whos life is termiated with this hiv whom i feel is eating my flesh everyday.

  Ever since i started the addiction recovery program am realzing everyday that the hiv was a  conseqeance of my addiction to alcohol and tranquilzers,it makes me sick to the point that i want to run away from myself,i hate it,and i resent myself everyday and every minute.i even at times think of how it would be possible for me to end my life but i know i will never do it because it is against my faith and religion.

  I see myself as a contaminated and expired product of no use , i meet guys and they show their interest in me but i refuse to be with them because i feel dirty and contagious to others , it hurts me to be 36 and  feeling dead already,am dying a slow death and my recovery lead me to this,i dont want to go back using yet i dont like this whole reality,am too scarred after being hiv poz for alomst 8 years,8 years of numbing my feeling with xanax.is that what life is all about ? . no one deserves this virus and no one deserves his life to be rewined by it,it is just unfair ! i dont see any glimpse of hope anymore and i wish i was hit by a truck comming out from my therapsit office today.


I understand those feelings all too well. That is probably why I continue to drink, hell, I forget why I even started to drink. Sometimes. I don't get myself. I have the most positive outlook on life. I love it. I think the biggest thing I fear is going sober. 4 years ago I went to treatment and was refused because I wasn't in danger of hurting myself or others. I love life too much.  I was good for a few months and relapsed and here I am...

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2009, 04:10:10 PM »
Decaying,

It sounds like you went to a psychiatric facility, as being a danger to yourself or others is usually what they use to admit people.  If you truly want to quit, I would suggest talking to your doctor about a medically supervised detox that (s)he can refer you to.  If you're drinking heavily, I wouldn't recommend quitting without being in a medical facility.  The withdrawal can be dangerous.  But, if you think you have a problem and know you want to quit, then do it (with your doctor's help).  I'm rooting for ya.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2009, 06:18:20 PM »
Thanks Betty! Addiction does suck, whether it's to food, cigarettes, herion, or alcohol.  I've had great times and bad times drinking.   It's frustrating, but I haven't wanted to stop yet.  I've seen that A&E show "Intervention" and those are some horrifying situations people have gotten themselves into.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2009, 07:14:14 AM »
Yeah, I think the show 'Intervention' adopts a scared straight principle.  But, I can understand the people on there.  I never wanted to quit until my life was a complete ruin.  Why else?  And it took me a long time to grasp my horrid circumstances being a direct result of my addiction. 

I don't know anyone that quit using anything if they were truly enjoying it. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline maddalfred

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2009, 09:40:41 PM »
Yeah, I think the show 'Intervention' adopts a scared straight principle.  But, I can understand the people on there.  I never wanted to quit until my life was a complete ruin.  Why else?  And it took me a long time to grasp my horrid circumstances being a direct result of my addiction. 

I don't know anyone that quit using anything if they were truly enjoying it. 

Maybe one day we will meet. I  was truly enjoying my addiction to carck and powder before the judge and me had a conference about it and came to the conclusion it would be in my best interest to cut it the fuck out. (or do 80 years as a suspected dealer, which I wasn't.)

I quit a 10k a month habit overnight because of that meeting. That was going on 20 years ago I i have never looked back.
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Offline Blond37

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2009, 01:46:16 PM »
Thanks Betty! Addiction does suck, whether it's to food, cigarettes, herion, or alcohol.  I've had great times and bad times drinking.   It's frustrating, but I haven't wanted to stop yet.  I've seen that A&E show "Intervention" and those are some horrifying situations people have gotten themselves into.

dont get me started on that show... i think they FORCE the addict into recovery... and i think thats wrong.. IMHO, if you force an addict into recovery, he'll just start again when he's done with the program.. the ones that really irk me are the ones where the addict has a warrant out on him, and they say if you dont get clean we will call the cops... thats black mailing an addict into treatment...
Check me out in Poz magazine page 42, June 2010 :)

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2009, 06:25:33 AM »
Yeah, that's true, but I have known a few people who have managed to stay clean by starting out being "forced" by the courts to get clean, go to 12-step meetings etc.  It's not always a bust.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #18 on: April 23, 2009, 11:23:30 PM »
Decaying,

It sounds like you went to a psychiatric facility, as being a danger to yourself or others is usually what they use to admit people.  If you truly want to quit, I would suggest talking to your doctor about a medically supervised detox that (s)he can refer you to.  If you're drinking heavily, I wouldn't recommend quitting without being in a medical facility.  The withdrawal can be dangerous.  But, if you think you have a problem and know you want to quit, then do it (with your doctor's help).  I'm rooting for ya.
  Luv,
Betty

Unfortunately, this was a place my psychiatrist recommended after spilling my guts about my addiction.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2009, 08:51:48 AM »
Unfortunately, this was a place my psychiatrist recommended after spilling my guts about my addiction.

Yeah, that's unfortunate, as most psychiatric facilities do little in terms of addiction (or alcoholism) treatment. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2009, 09:37:24 AM »
Yeah, that's unfortunate, as most psychiatric facilities do little in terms of addiction (or alcoholism) treatment. 

I can't tell you how much that makes me angry. When I was working for a substance misuse charity, I saw so many people who were falling through the cracks, simply because they had mental health issues along with their substance misuse issues. The mental health unit would refer them to us, and we'd all-too-often have to refer them back to the mental health unit because we weren't equipped to deal with their mental health issues. (because while we all had counseling training, we weren't psychiatrists or even psychologists) It was a viscious cycle that was pretty much impossible to break.

There really needs to be a merging of the two fields and the sooner, the better for us all. It's the only way forward, really, because more often than not, mental health issues like depression go hand-in-hand with substance abuse issues, as so many people are simply self-medicating in an attempt to feel better emotionally. :-\

Ann
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Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2009, 01:09:32 PM »
Very true, Ann.  I see that alot, and most times, unless people have both things under control, success isn't going to happen.  Unfortunately, too often, psychiatrists give people trying to break the chemical dependency cycle, things that are highly addictive, like Xanax, Restoril, Adderoll (sp?) etc.  While a lot of people can take these types of meds without problem, most addicts cannot.  I know I can't, and never will be able to. 

There needs to be a fine-tuning in the whole field.  Coping mechanisms need to be taught for things like panic attacks, ADD, etc.  I get panic attacks a lot, but I've learned to talk myself down from them without having to take a benzo (I used to take Valium, but of course that was a bust).  Sometimes meds like benzos and amphetamines are warranted, but not for long-term use.  And if those meds are used with people who have drug dependence issues, then close maintenance needs to be done, which doesn't get done now.  I've had several friends go on a total relapse for months, and the relapse started with these types of meds.  Anyway, I'll quit ranting.  Just putting in my 2 cents.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline decayingsinner

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #22 on: April 30, 2009, 09:24:48 PM »
Ann, thanks for that last post. Unfortunately, it seems like a more common occurrence. After I was denied from a treatment center he referred me to, I was hurt(for lack of better words).  That was the last time I saw him. He never called to check up on his patient. It was disturbing.

Offline onemoretime

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2009, 09:04:50 AM »
i think addiction and HIV are very commin these days.. my addiction is the reason for my hiv too.. in my case it was Meth.  I stuggle with addiiton all the time..  I quit drinkinng 14 years ago, but 4 years later got into drugs.. all of them.. legal and not... i fight it.. by my emptional pain from having hiv and the stress with my bf (who is from another country) and we can not be together legally, and it just goes on and on and on....i keep fighting, somtimes i take some pain meds to numb the pain.. other times i don't.. no one really understand it all.  I work. but i wonder how long can i keep up the hard work, the HIV  , the dr appointments, the condo.. the occasional drug use,  when will somting stop and come togheter?    I need the job to afford the condo and the dr to treat my hiv, and the ins,   bla bla bla. .u all know the drill
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #24 on: August 18, 2009, 02:19:55 PM »
Onemoretime, I understand exactly where you're at.  But, addiction is not going to solve your problems for the long run.  Where does it all stop?   When you stop your drug use.  Get help.  Seek out either a treatment center or NA meetings.  There's more to life then numbing out.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline antibody

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2009, 01:34:59 AM »
I was a heroin addict and went through the same feelings of my past being just a horrible waste. It's true my hiv status is a direct result of my irresponsible behavior but I can't live in the past so the best thing I can do for my health is to stay clean and start to take care of my health the best that I can to hopefully help make up for the years of abuse I put my body through. Hiv is a daily struggle, some days are really hard but the more I take care of myself, mind, body and spirit I get through one day at a time.
Timbuk      <50/ 794  CD4 10/06 
                 <50/ 1096 CD4 3/07
                 <40/ 1854 CD4 4/09

Started Atripla  7/14/06
Switched to boosted Reyataz Truvada 3/28/07

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Offline onemoretime

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #26 on: September 24, 2009, 08:24:49 AM »
YOU guys are great.   since i last wrote this,  I started therapy.. got treated for low testo and that made me feel much better.  I am working out and getting stronger.  staying clean 95% of the time.  I more i go to the gym and eat right, the more i dis like the bad stuff.  Once in a while i screw up (im human) but I am in the right directioon and I feel so much better. I am learning with therapy to stay in the now and stop worring so miuch about the unknown and appridiate the good heath i do have
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline antibody

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2009, 08:08:29 PM »
that's exactly how you get to where you need to be, one step at a time. Good job. Just remember it pays off.
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Timbuk      <50/ 794  CD4 10/06 
                 <50/ 1096 CD4 3/07
                 <40/ 1854 CD4 4/09

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Offline decayingsinner

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #28 on: October 07, 2009, 09:39:36 PM »
I must say I have pretty much eliminated my drinking habits in the past month.  My boyfriend voiced some concern over me drinking and I really put things into perspective.  A really good, healthy, grounded, and balanced relationship that I just started four months ago, or a self-destructive addiction that is negatively affecting my health,decision making, emotional well being, etc.  Honestly, the first two weeks were really tough and I still think about every day; however, the urge really is not as strong.  My head is clear, I feel good in the morning, and my relationship has only improved since then.  I can talk to him about my struggles and conquers and he is very supportive. It's a wonderful feeling.

Offline BT65

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #29 on: October 09, 2009, 08:49:36 AM »
Good for you, Decaying.  Thinking about it all the time is normal for awhile when you first quit.  It does get better.  You may want to go to an AA meeting, or seek out some people you know have quit successfully.  Support, and knowing others with the same problems, is really important.  Good luck.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bluewater

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2009, 11:47:11 AM »
Hello am in recovery and on suboxone, i was on methadone for many years went back to school GED, undergraduate and then my masters i work in a methadone clinic as a counslor. I attend meetings both AA and NA i have a good program, i know others in recovery say your not clean if your on drug replacement or what ever you want to call it but i have done very well and am happy, generally. I was diagnosed last year my vl was low and my cd4 was 350 they think my vl went up and back down i do not know am new to this site but in any case for whats its worth i have raised two kids own my own home and i work every day i also take celexa for my depression. I remember 15 years ago when AA members said you were not clean if you were on psych meds but thats change here in Vermont anyway so i go on doing my best to help other addicts to get into recovery.

Offline bluewater

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2009, 11:48:31 AM »
P.S. my vl is undetectable and my cd4 is now 469 and am on atripla no side effects am lucky i guess.

Offline darkerpozz

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Re: addiction and reality
« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2010, 04:23:30 AM »
sensual1973,
I feel your frustration so deeply I feel I know you. I met a great looking guy once who went back to Uk and got clean and .is struggling with that each day and I am not willing to quit it all and stand there alone and say "what now?" You are so brave and know talking with these folks will let you know that you can make it

 


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