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Author Topic: fell off the wagon  (Read 4931 times)

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Offline PeteNYNJ

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fell off the wagon
« on: January 29, 2009, 04:20:01 PM »
Hi gang

I don't know if this belongs here or not but if it doesn't one of our wonderful mods can move it.

I have been off the sauce since around Christmas.  My life was out of control - did the whole detox thing and everything was nice.

Saturday - had a VERY intense therapy session.  I haven't cried in years, this was waterworks city.  I left and went shopping.  That is when it happened, walked down Christopher St in NYC and hit one of the old haunts.  4 martinis later I was bombed and getting a tattoo!  ugh - anyway I also lost my phone and didn't go to work for 2 days.  I have been in a serious depressive state.   I know this because I don't leave bed, eat, or wash.  Yes, gross but at least I am being honest.  I callled the shrink yesterday and he said "thought that might happen"  we are on for Saturday.

Is this my life now.  One failure after another?   One disappointment after another? I would any other addiction survivors to weigh in, if not here then PM me.  I don't know what I am doing wrong. 

Best 

Pete

Offline David_CA

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2009, 04:53:23 PM »
Hi Pete,

I'm fortunate in that I've not had addiction issues ('cept for pot and cigarettes in college).  I don't know what the first-time success rate is for quitting drinking, but I'd bet it's way less than 100%.  In other words, you're on your way to recovery; you're just not there yet.  There are a lot of things in our lives that don't work out the first time and that require repeated attempts for success.  I believe that your experience was just one of these.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Pick yourself up and get back on the wagon.  It'll be a bumpy road for a while, but you'll get there.  Take care.

David
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Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 05:03:48 PM »
Thanks David

That is what my therapist said but I cant get over the shame.


Pete

Offline CaptCarl

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2009, 07:12:36 PM »
Pete,
   I can only echo what David said in his post. Cut yourself some slack, and realize that it's not going to be easy, but then, very few things in life that are worthwhile are easy. You are not doing anything wrong as long as you are trying. As far as feeling shame goes, the only reason you would have to feel shame is if you were to stay drunk for the rest of your life. There is no reason to feel shameful for trying to improve yourself or your life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep your goal of sobriety in your sights. Good luck. :) :) :)

CaptCarl
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline RapidRod

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2009, 07:36:03 PM »
Pete don't beat yourself up over it. You know what happened and you'll have to try not to let it happen again. So you know your at the starting point again, just remember there is a finish line and you'll make it. Even if you have to change a few tires on the way you'll get to that finish line. Good luck to you Pete.

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 08:16:55 PM »
Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  We're in it for the long haul, not some 100 yard dash. 

Can we focus on all of those days you didn't have a drink instead of the 1 evening that you did? 

My last job was bartending and you're describing a typical Tuesday afternoon for most of my patrons - 4 drinks, lose the phone, and wake up with another tattoo.  When you start telling me about the cops showing up because you and the bf were holding guns to each other's head or that you wrapped your car around a tree killing three pedestrians, I'll think you have a problem.  But your problem seems to be in expecting perfection from yourself which is unreasonable.  I'm more concerned with missing the 2 days of work more than anything else.  If you were on a diet and ate 4 pieces of cake, would you skip 2 days from work and treat yourself like shit???  I don't think so.  I understand that you have had drinking problems and you are unhappy about the 4 drinks but shake it off and move on.  No harm, no foul.

And where are the pics of the tattoo??


Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 08:40:02 PM »
that last post made me laugh...thanks for the visual.  No, my issue isnt hurting others, just myself. 

I guess what is making me so "sad' is I thought I would be better at this.  It is my own issue - I tend to think I am a failure at everthing.   That could be part of the problem.

Ok  off to bed

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2009, 09:06:40 PM »
I am an alcoholic and it is hard to give it up cause it is my favorite pain killer when I get stressed out.  It sounds like to me that you were reliving pains of the past and needed to block them in the good old fashion way.  By getting Bombed.  Don't kick yourself too much cause addiction is life long in the making and setbacks are part of getting through it.  I have to admit that is the only way I would get a tattoo...
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Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2009, 09:10:57 PM »
Thanks David

That is what my therapist said but I cant get over the shame.


Pete
Get over it.  Deal with the shame and the depression and become stronger.  You still have alot to do before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Therapy is my way to deal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

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Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2009, 09:15:13 PM »
Relapse is part of recovery and the only way to fail is to quit trying. Don't give up.


Offline bocker3

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2009, 10:18:27 PM »
Pete,

I've been sober for 19 yrs and can tell you that it is a small minority of people who stop drinking and never relapse.  The key is to remember to take things one day at a time.  If you had a drink on Saturday, oh well -- forget about it and don't have one today.
The think about shame is that it really is based on keeping your head in the past.  It's done -- it can't be undone -- forget about it.  I'll also add, try not to fear what might happen in the future -- you can't do anything about tomorrow (or next week), so focus on today.  If you don't drink today, you can deal with tomorrow when you get up -- of course, then it will be today again (see how that works). 
I understand why you feel shame and/or disappointment, but trust me here -- it is wasted energy. 

If you knew me 20 yrs ago, you'd never think I'd be able to go a day without a drink -- but I did -- and then another and then another.  If I can do it, you can today -- just for today.  You'll be surprised how quick "todays" add up.  Don't worry about the past and don't think in terms of not drinking "ever again" -- that is too big a mountain to contemplate -- even after 19 yrs.  Just don't drink today.

Ok -- I'm repeating myself now -- I think you get my point.   ;)

If you need to talk, send me a PM -- and if you find yourself wanting a drink -- send me a PM first.

Keep the faith!

Hugs,
Mike
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Offline Peter Staley

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2009, 08:33:45 AM »
I relapsed (meth) many times, so I know how you're feeling.  The trick is to immediately get with your program again, and fully process the relapse.  I learned something new from each one, and eventually stopped having them.

If you get to the point where your current program doesn't seem to help you process a relapse, then up the ante -- add something new to your program.  I added an out-patient program that saved my life.

And remember -- you're not alone.

Online bmancanfly

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2009, 09:39:19 AM »
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. 

I don't have any personal addiction experience to draw from but I know from loved ones that a structured program like AA can be tremendously helpful - especially as an intervention when you are about to drink.  Are you in a program?

I can just echo what others have said.  Keep trying, don't beat yourself up.  Our failures teach us much more than our successes.

Good luck, and peace.
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2009, 12:43:59 PM »
Thanks guys

I saw my therapist yesterday and he echoed all your words.  He told me to not worry about the relapse, he said to learn from it like you said, Peter.  I did learn - I learned I need a support group for those times I feel like drinking.

I have avoided AA for some reason (probably because it becomes real then) but this morning I looked up a meeting for each day this week.  I will keep you posted.

Again - thanks so much for listening and giving me great advice.

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2009, 11:19:48 PM »
any time...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

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Offline HotGreek_STL

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2009, 01:37:46 AM »
Wow Pete,

Thank you for your courage to tell us what happened and your work to make sense of your relapse.

I relapsed many times before going to AA.  It has helped me keep sober for 15 years.  I decided I had to go because therapy was not enough.  It can be for some guys but for me AA, Therapy, and antidepressants all togethermade a big difference in my life.

Before I went to AA, I had a list of things I said I would never do.  I started doing all those things on the list short of getting arrested or hospitalized.  I could have easily been arrested for drunk driving, disorderly conduct, or I could have killed someone from my driving.


In AA I met people who I wanted to emulate, some that pissed me off, and some that scared the hell out of me because they were too weird.   Form all of them, I have learned a lot.  I learned how to make real friends.   To be up front,  AA is not a panacea but it saved my life.  Other people have followed different paths and I believe if something else  works for you fine.   

Just a couple of things that were true for me.   I  learned I could never count on just having a few drinks.  I might have a few episodes of just a few drinks  but it would ultimately accelerate along with self hatered.  In recovery,  I started to work on loving and really caring for myself.   I have some wonderful people in my life through recovery and I smile at myself.  I have an AA sponsor and I work the 12 Steps.   I am not perfect.  I do have a lot less fear, less anger, and fewer regrets.



Whatever way you find to stay sober,  I wish you joy, happiness, peace, and wonderful people to share your life with.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  :)  Feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do.  You already seem to be on the way to a great life!
"TO SEE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ONE'S NOSE NEEDS A CONSTANT STRUGGLE!"  GEORGE ORWELL

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2009, 01:13:32 AM »
Here we go again

tomorrow, I am going to intake and probably detoxing again.  It has been a bad 2 weeks since losing my job and basically just spent the time drunk.  This weekend I went out with my sister and niece to see my aunt who is dieing of breast cancer.   I am so raw right now, and I promised her I would take care of myself.   

What doesn't kill us, right?

Thankfully, my family is VERY supportive - I just feel like a great big shithead but I am surrendering and if they want to put me in inpatient rehab, then I will do it. 

I am so tired.

A VERY special thanks to BT65 for listening

Thanks

Pete
« Last Edit: February 16, 2009, 01:19:08 AM by PeteNYNJ »

Offline BT65

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2009, 06:59:52 AM »
Pete,

I'm keeping you in my thoughts today.  If you ever need to talk, pm me again anytime.  You are worth this and you can do it.  Just keep things simple. 

I'm also very sorry about your aunt.  I hope for peace for her.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2009, 10:04:32 AM »
Pete,

Good luck today with the intake. You're doing the right thing and I'm very proud of you. I know it's a difficult step to take. And it's fantastic that you have your family's support - so many don't have that. You've got our support too, don't ever forget that.

And you're right, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's been proved to me personally in my life time and time again. (I must be made of reinforced steel, by now LOL)

Hang in there Pete, you can do it.

Hugs,
Ann
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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #19 on: February 16, 2009, 10:58:10 AM »
Pete, I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best and I'm certainly happy that you have a family to be supportive of you right now.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline CaptCarl

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2009, 11:16:13 AM »
Pete,
   Good luck to you in entering detox. Just remember to be easy on yourself. You are lucky to have a family that is supportive, and you also have a lot of people pulling for you here as well. Much love goes with you....

CaptCarl
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline bocker3

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2009, 05:30:46 PM »
Pete-

You are doing great!  You're facing your issue and not giving up in the face of some setbacks.  It sounds like you've got the support of your family and you KNOW you've got support here.  Most importantly, it sounds to me like you've also got the support of yourself.  Don't sell yourself short.  You are taking all the right steps - moving forward in these trying times.

I'll be thinking of you and sending my best thoughts out to you.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
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Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2009, 02:35:18 PM »
Hey gang

Back from a 6 day stint in Detox...best thing I ever did.  I feel great - I think I slept for most of the time but it was a good sleep.  The people who worked there were great - what a difference going to a detox center as opposed to a hospital. 

I am back at home now but going to my parents tomorrow to help my dad fix up the house and then Monday I start outpatient rehab.   I feel really positive and have no want at all for booze.  This is the first time I have felt that way in a LONG time.   I sure there well be time when I will want, but I am working the program. 

Thanks for all your well wishes

Pete

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2009, 04:21:00 PM »
Congrats Pete and thanks for the update.  Been thinking of you :)
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline bear60

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2009, 04:48:57 PM »

Pete

Way to go!


Hugs
 Joel
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Offline BT65

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2009, 08:33:53 PM »
This is such good news Pete!  Just keep going, that's all.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2009, 09:53:31 PM »
Hi All

Got a call a few hours ago that my aunt just died from breast cancer.   She was at home surrounded by my family and I got to say goodbye last week before I went to detox.  I kept a picture off her next to my bed at the detox and kissed it every night.  Today I took it home and put it in a nice frame.

Talk about a test!  Tomorrow I am back with family so that will be good but right now I am alone.   I am just letting myself cry but also keeping busy by making fresh pasta sauce and I just baked a cake.  I am sure I will cry myself to sleep but it will be with a sober mind so that is worth it. 

Ironically, I am watching an episode of Intervention that could be my life story (gay, 33, drunk, blah blah blah).  He is kinda scummy though - I am still looking fine :) 

Thanks for listening guys

Pete

PS - why does every non infectious disease doctor seem to know nothing about HIV?  The clown talking to me this weekend needed to learn a thing or two.  THANK GOD he didn't ask the dreaded "how did you contract HIV".  I swear I would have taken the earrings out and the wig off :)

Offline Longislander

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2009, 03:25:54 AM »
hey Pete., I'm sorry about your aunt.  It definitely is a test, but a test you can pass~ Good to keep yourself preoccupied with other things at this time. I wish you and your family the best.

Paul
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Offline BT65

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2009, 11:11:49 AM »
Pete,

My condolences on the loss of your aunt.  But, it isn't a test.  It's just life.  Just because we quit drinking/doing drugs, life doesn't change in the outside world.  There's still going to be ups and downs.

I would really suggest getting to a meeting to talk about your aunt's death with other recovering people.  And pm me anytime.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bear60

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #29 on: February 23, 2009, 02:03:35 PM »
HI Pete
Condolences on the passing of your aunt.
Keep the good work up and you will be fine.


Joel
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #30 on: February 23, 2009, 06:30:08 PM »
Thanks everyone, today is tough but I think it is more grief then anything else...still didnt drink so Kudos, me :)

Offline bocker3

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #31 on: February 23, 2009, 08:32:11 PM »
Thanks everyone, today is tough but I think it is more grief then anything else...still didnt drink so Kudos, me :)

Absolutely Kudos to you!  If you focus on "today", you'll be amazed at how fast the days pile up.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline BT65

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #32 on: February 24, 2009, 08:24:43 PM »
Hey Pete,

I'm thinking about you today. :)
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #33 on: February 24, 2009, 08:59:37 PM »
Thanks

Doing well today - had a group this morning and feeling good.  I think my body is finally adjusting - no panic attacks all day or anything.

Pete

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #34 on: February 25, 2009, 08:16:00 AM »
I'm sorry to hear about your aunt but glad to hear your detox went well. Hang in there!

PS. I Tivo Intervention and know what episode you are referring to.

Offline David_CA

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #35 on: February 25, 2009, 09:29:20 AM »
Hi Pete,
It sounds like things are going well.  Maybe it's time to retire the 'fell of the wagon' thread title and start another one.  Maybe 'on the road again' or something would work.   ;)  I'm sorry about your aunt.

David
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Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #36 on: February 27, 2009, 11:59:54 PM »
Thanks, David

I will give it a little more time before changing the title...don't want to jinx it. 

Today I had another group meeting which I found VERY boring, I guess I wasnt in the mood and the people who shared were a bit all over the place.  I look forward to getting back to the group I go to on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I kicked the physical ailments that accompanied my first couple of days sober, now it is just trying to find what the hell to do with all my extra time.  I need a hobby or something - I think I am going to join a gym to drop some weight I have gained this month (no drinking has led to lots of eating...boo)

Pete

Offline BT65

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #37 on: February 28, 2009, 09:13:51 AM »
Pete, a lot of people who quit drinking/using drugs are all over the place most of the time in the beginning.  I know I had no attention span when I first quit, and it took awhile to settle in.  You just have to practice patience. 

I think it's great that you're thinking about exercising.  It's important to fill up your extra time, so you don't find yourself getting really bored.  Have you gone to an AA meeting yet? 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline bocker3

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #38 on: February 28, 2009, 10:36:32 AM »
Thanks, David

I will give it a little more time before changing the title...don't want to jinx it. 

Today I had another group meeting which I found VERY boring, I guess I wasnt in the mood and the people who shared were a bit all over the place.  I look forward to getting back to the group I go to on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I kicked the physical ailments that accompanied my first couple of days sober, now it is just trying to find what the hell to do with all my extra time.  I need a hobby or something - I think I am going to join a gym to drop some weight I have gained this month (no drinking has led to lots of eating...boo)

Pete

Hey Pete,

I have usually found that when I am "bored" at a meeting, it's because either my mind isn't present OR that I am listening to the speakers words and not hearing things that I can relate to in their story.  My very wise first sponsor, told me that what I need to be doing is listening to the speakers feelings.  People's physical stories often differ from mine, but the feelings that result from alcoholism are usually pretty universal.  It's not always easy to do, but boy it does work. 

I think that exercising is a fantastic idea.  It's good to find new habits to replace your old ones, PLUS it will help with weight gain.

Keep doing what you're doing.....

Hugs,
Mike
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Offline Life

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Re: fell off the wagon
« Reply #39 on: February 28, 2009, 11:56:05 AM »
Hi Pete....  I been there and it was the worst period in my life even above and beyond this hiv shit...  The one thing I never want to go back to is doing what I did for so many years and watching time march right on by..  I watched it take my dad and so many others that I called friends and I thought they would be with me for a long time..  Others are still going strong and I keep very close to them.  Keep going to meetings and talking to those who have what you want..  I know I have a head full of bad wiring and that will never ever change, thus I have to stay close to those same people because they talk and I understand what they say..  Surround yourself with them.   If you find yourself board, go to another meeting somewhere else until you find what is right for you.   My addiction will kill me faster than hiv will, and I know that.   The one thing I did was get sober and have stayed that we for 14 years.   I did that by 3 meetings a day for almost 3 years.  It worked for me and it has worked for a great many others...  Relapse is nothing to beat yourself up over... Get up, learn from it and grow.   Life is so worth living sober....  Its such a short time for us on this planet,  living sober allows you to see it, appreciate it.

As for finding other things to do??  OMG,  when your sober, you can do whatever your heart desires..

Love,

Eric

 


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