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Author Topic: this will be my last post to everyone with aids  (Read 4445 times)

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Offline bigrob37

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  • life is good
this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« on: January 28, 2009, 12:47:06 AM »
I have decided that life sucks and I hate the pain I m in and
I am going to agree with my doctor to take the sucide way out.
It s the only way to end my unhapiness thanks to oregon for this law
bye bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline LACboi

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2009, 01:00:33 AM »
Hey Rob suicide is not the answer to this. I'm not sure what your circumstances are but there is got to be another way to get through this. I hope you reconsider

Offline J220

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2009, 01:07:09 AM »
I don't think there's anyone of us who hasn't entertained the same thoughts. Although I don't know your personal circumstances, I think it's my, and all of our duty here is to say, hang on....there is always a tomorrow, that may be better than today....in the meantime why don't you call the national crisis hotline 1-800-784-2433. It may be of help. My prayers are with you.
"Hope is my philosophy
Just needs days in which to be
Love of Life means hope for me
Born on a New Day" - John David

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2009, 01:59:26 AM »
Come on Rob, you and your wife can last a long time man! I'm on my 24 th year of this. I know it's hard at times. My wife died in '99, i wished it were me instead of her. But I'm hear still, and so are you. Now please cheer up! I insist, even though you don't know me....Play ball with the rest of us here!
Much love,
Jeff
Positive since 1985

Offline John2038

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2009, 03:53:50 AM »
Dear bigrob37

we all have our up and down.
You feel down and there will be a up again. Why don't you work for an humanitary organisation ?
Many people in this world suffers and your experience might save lifes.
Please don't do anything as you are currently planning. We have one life, think about it.

In Europe, we have an association that assist those willing to die.
I was thinking going there Nov 2007, just because I thought HIV was the end of the road for me.
Then I went up again. As usual, because I am strong. A down never last. Be the same !

Since then, I finded my Ms Right, and we are in the process to conceive.
Today, I have no regrets to continue this wonderful journey that is life.
I won't have commit suicide anyway. But I moved from a very down moods to new highs, and I NO regrets at all. I really love life !
I wishes you to accomplish the same. Your experience is unvaluable for others.
Think about childs being HIV poz, think about those are paralysed or having a terminal cancer etc. but who are still fighting and appreciate the life.

Think about Patrick Swayze, or who ever might inspire you.
I please you to reply to this thread with and to discuss with us.
Explain what kind of pain you are talking about.

I guess most of us can understand you, assist you.
Please contact me in pm. Thanks. I want to talk with you.

Take care
May G. Bless You, Always.

John
« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 04:57:39 AM by John2038 »

Offline AndyArrow

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2009, 05:51:37 AM »
Rob,

Suicide is not the answer.  I understand that life sucks right now but with time things can get better.  It sounds like you should really talk with a therapist and get in contact with a local ASO to see if they can help you address your problems.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK.

Please see that there are people who don't even know you care and feel for you.

AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2009, 07:29:22 AM »
Rob, what did your doctor say to you? When did you discuss it with him? What specifically are the things which are driving you in the direction of suicide. It's not clear to me.

I know it may seem presumptuous of me to suggest this a continent away from you and not knowing the circumstances you're in, but I will say it anyway. Go to the nearest hospital emergency room and tell them where you're at. Feelings can change. Before you take action see what they have to say.

Keep us posted on what's going on.



« Last Edit: January 29, 2009, 07:21:58 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline David_CA

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2009, 08:35:22 AM »
Aren't you on Atripla?  Isn't Atripla linked to depression in some people?  From what I've seen, depression and suicide pretty much go together.  I'd hope you, and those involved, would consider a drug change (not drastic at all) over suicide (very drastic).  Take care.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
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05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline RapidRod

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2009, 05:33:37 PM »
Quote
I am going to agree with my doctor to take the sucide way out.

Then I suggest you find another doctor, if indeed he made such a comment.

Offline Winiroo

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2009, 08:14:15 PM »
Sorry to be blunt but suicide is selfish. I hope you have talked to your wife about this.

Offline pozhealthy

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2009, 11:18:48 PM »
not to be rude--but do the "regulars" on here know this member? or is this just a random post someone put on here to generate some knee jerk reactions.
If real please do not kill yourself. Did your doctor really say that to you???? Honestly?
please STAT get some counseling NOW. call one of the hotlines
what specific thing has got you feeling this way?
please keep us posted.

Offline denb45

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2009, 11:26:38 PM »
Life isn't fair sometimes, but it's still worth living, I do hope you reconsider  ??? think of what that will do to your loved ones, family and friends it's selfish and you know THIS.......
« Last Edit: January 29, 2009, 11:28:21 AM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline 27years

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2009, 05:16:09 AM »
Hope you are still around,  please don't consider suicide as the only solution to your problems be it medical or social.  Situations and circumstances change no matter how long it takes.  Please get professional help to deal with the thoughts.  We all have bad days but its how we deal with them which matters. 
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline RapidRod

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2009, 06:01:01 AM »
not to be rude--but do the "regulars" on here know this member? or is this just a random post someone put on here to generate some knee jerk reactions.
If real please do not kill yourself. Did your doctor really say that to you???? Honestly?
please STAT get some counseling NOW. call one of the hotlines
what specific thing has got you feeling this way?
please keep us posted.

Can tell you haven't worked in the healthcare field. The first thing a "Real" doctor would recommend is professional counselling. It would help if you would go back reread all his post before jumping on the regular posters about their replies.

Seadickrun

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2009, 06:20:44 AM »
Can tell you haven't worked in the healthcare field. The first thing a "Real" doctor would recommend is professional counselling. It would help if you would go back reread all his post before jumping on the regular posters about their replies.

The operative words in his post are "agree with my doctor", "suicide", "Oregon".  The state of Oregon offers Death with Dignity to patients (as does the state of Washington).  There is a list of criteria to follow as stated below.

Q: How does a patient get a prescription from a participating physician?

A: The patient must meet certain criteria to be able to request to participate in the Act. Then, the following steps must be fulfilled: 1) the patient must make two oral requests to the attending physician, separated by at least 15 days; 2) the patient must provide a written request to the attending physician, signed in the presence of two witnesses, at least one of whom is not related to the patient; 3) the attending physician and a consulting physician must confirm the patient's diagnosis and prognosis; 4) the attending physician and a consulting physician must determine whether the patient is capable of making and communicating health care decisions for him/herself; 5) if either physician believes the patient's judgment is impaired by a psychiatric or psychological disorder (such as depression), the patient must be referred for a psychological examination; 6) the attending physician must inform the patient of feasible alternatives to the Act including comfort care, hospice care, and pain control; 7) the attending physician must request, but may not require, the patient to notify their next-of-kin of the prescription request. A patient can rescind a request at any time and in any manner. The attending physician will also offer the patient an opportunity to rescind his/her request at the end of the 15-day waiting period following the initial request to participate.

Physicians must report all prescriptions for lethal medications to the Department of Human Services, Vital Records. As of 1999, pharmacists must be informed of the prescribed medication's ultimate use.



Offline AlanBama

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2009, 08:53:37 AM »
Rob, I hope you get help my friend.   Look at what you put under your avatar: 
"Life is Good".   Yes it is!   And the good outweighs the bad.

Please seek the help you need and deserve.

hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline PeteNYNJ

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2009, 05:42:15 PM »
Rob


Talk to us - we are here to listen.   I tried to kill myself a year ago....I am glad I didnt succeed.  I dont presume to now your circumstances, but I am here if you want to talk. PM me if you want to talk on the phone.   

Peter

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2009, 11:03:40 AM »
I agree that it maybe the Atripla that is causing your depression and that you need to either change drugs or take another drug that will counter-act the depressed emotions.  You really need to see a psychiatrist or some professional to examine if you need professional help.  I know for some it is a lame thing to do to see a shrink for help, but you are considering killing yourself which tells me that you are in a very bad mental state and that your judgement is in question.  Afterall, you must consider your family and your friends.  It is bad when someone you love is sick, but it is horrible if that same someone kills himself.  Please, get help right away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline pozhealthy

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  • Posts: 116
Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2009, 09:15:31 PM »
ah yes, i would not have expected any other type of response from you rapid dog......actually i DO work in healthcare.  how did i "jump on the regulars"?  just trying to find out if anyone on here knows this guy and if this post is for real.   
seems like you are more concerned about attacking me than about  this guy who has posted a cry for help, assuming this post is for real. reread my post i did say get some counseling.


Offline weasel

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2009, 10:05:30 PM »

Hey ROB !

Well I do hope you are reading this !

Life is too short to make it any shorter !

Please reconcider , Doing yourself in ?

It causes more problems , Find a new doctor !

Whatever this doctor told you IS WRONG !

PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOR AND JUST SAY YOUR OK !

                                                          PLEASE BE SAFE !
                                                          POST IN THE MORNING !
                                                          PLEASE DO NOT GO LIKE THIS !

                                                                             Karl  :(
" Live and let Live "

Offline Ann

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2009, 09:36:55 AM »
Just a FYI - Pozhealthy and Rapidrod have both been warned about their squabbling in the forum. It was done via PM as this thread really isn't an appropriate place for the bickering or the admonishments.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Steinway

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2009, 12:07:56 AM »
Hello,  Suicide is a tough one for sure.  I know, stating the obvious.  I have had those thoughts from a very young age.  Feeling like I was a mistake.  My parents only wanted two kids and they got three,  I'm number three.  There were many times I even felt like God had made a mistake.  I felt uncomfortable too much.  What's sad is, many people felt uncomfortable when they are growing up.  I think when I realized that my feelings of being attracted to both men and women weren't going away and that my religion would never accept me for having sexual thoughts towards men,  I felt like a sinner,  I was worried about going to hell, and worried about embarrassing my family.  I was ashamed for sure.  When I was in my teens I seriously considered doing this.  I just wanted the pain to end.  At that time someone from school told my parents that they thought I was acting depressed and they were so concerned that eventually I told them of what I had been feeling and the things that possibly brought me to this realization that I might be gay, bi, whatever I was,  and that I would rather not be on this earth if I wasn't going to fit into the norm.  My parents were very loving, concerned, and took a lot of time to get back in touch with the person that I was.  I had lost some of my self by this point.  I think I have felt depression here and there to bring my thoughts to suicide.  The ones that stick out the most were being lied to by someone I had loved very much.   Going from being in a loving relationship to finding that it was one sided and a lie.  Not easy to swallow.  Then of course, finding that I was positive.  I don't actually remember the first time I thought of suicide for this one.  I was pretty much in a state of shock for at least two months.  I suppose it was somewhere in that time frame that I thought about doing it.  It would have been so much easier to do than to deal with it.  But looking back I know now it would have been a cowardly thing to do.  I'm healthy now,  happy,  poor, somewhat homeless, jobless, loveless, but I'm happy, and as the song goes,  "but I'm here!" 
 
   Most recently I have had to deal with my oldest sister calling me at random times because she too has thought of suicide.  She calls me rather than anyone else because she knows I wont judge her, and also because she knows that I had thought of killing myself in high school.  She is unaware of the other times in my life that I have thought about it and planned it out, and almost done it,  called the hotlines,  and moved on with my life.  I knew in my heart during the times that we talked about it that she would never do it.  As I told her,  ' you would never do something so selfish, you have two daughters that need you and you might ruin their lives if you do such a thing."  The thought of how she would hurt them really worked for her.  It was a true thing to say to her, but also I knew that was the kick she needed.  I'm just glad it worked.  I'm not a trained anything and she is seeing a counselor dealing with her husband, (he is a marriage and family counselor and also a professor of marriage and family counselling at a university),  he left my sister for another woman 21 younger than himself.  After he moved out my sister was a mess.  Now he isn't paying for anything, not the mortgage, not her insurance ( she has been battling breast cancer and lymphoma for three years),  it's just a mess.  So you can imagine that she is depressed,  hurt and has  thought of suicide.  For her, it was her children that puts a stop in her head.  Also she told me just a few weeks ago that another image that stopped her was that she thought of leaving the car turned on in the garage and just wanted to fall asleep and die that way.  What stopped her that time was the chance that her husband might walk by and look into the window and see her doing this, knowing he had won.  Won what?  I'm not sure, control?  Who is to say.  I'm just glad she now has two things to motivate her to move on with her life and forget this selfish act.

   As for me.  I suppose I have just been too sensitive during my lowest times in life.  Some people thrive, others grow, some sink during the lowest moments, I sink.   Looking back to high school, it was just a hard time for so many reasons.  I'm glad I didn't do it then, because I have lived an amazing life since.  For a couple of the breakups that I have had that hurt me enough to consider this,  I am glad I didn't do it, because after some time I realized that after knowing each of those people as they were  and how they treated me and how they treated others, and for one, the lies that he told,  they just weren't even people that I would have normally been friends with, let alone share my life in an intimate level.  So I would have killed myself for what?  Because I was hurt?  Lied to?  Not a good enough reason.  It wasn't anything that I did.  I loved myself more than I loved those people, that's what stopped me then, and the thought of hurting my family and my friends that love me dearly stopped me too.

   As far as not killing myself over being positive.  Well, I guess I can honestly say it's because I have found a great deal of hope.  I know all of the time we talk on the forums, or we read articles on this site or others about new meds, new possible cures (usually called hoaxes), possible this, possible that.  In the end I am hopeful for a full and fulfilled life.  My life honestly sucks right now.  But I have just decided to be as happy as I can be.   I work out which makes me happy,  I call my friends and see how they are doing,  I try to encourage others which seems to make me feel good, and I make lists of things I'd like to do, accomplish,  places I'd like to see, or places I want to go back to.  There are so many little things in life that can bring simple happiness.  Having a dog sitting in your lap sleeping peacefully for example.  Taking a walk by a river.  Finding new friends on AidsMeds.  Reading a book, seeing a movie, learning how to make a souffle',  learning how to speak Spanish.  Taking a course in just about anything that interests you.  There are actual free ways to learn online.  You Tube has many.

   I think the key to people that are upset enough to even think of killing themselves is that they just think too much.  I know I did.  I know my sister did.  Getting your mind off of things is sooooooo hard to do, but you can do it.  Just find your way to do it.  Reading a book doesn't really work for me when I'm down, but it works for a friend of mine.  Watching movies helps me as long as they are happy, interesting, and not dealing with cancer or other illnesses, they'll bring you back to this moment.  In time you can watch them sure, but now,  NO WAY!   Well, unless there is a happy ending to the movie on cancer then maybe.  My point is,  you can find a way to love yourself and see past the hardships.  Being ill, being hurt, being without money, without love, without a home, without food,  those are all things that many of us have experienced, but we move on and we know that a year from now, five years from now, our lives will not be the same as they are today.  Was your life exactly the same five years ago as it is today?  Think about it?  It might have been ten times better, a hundred times better, worse?   It doesn't matter,  the realization is that life changes constantly.  We never know what's around the corner. It might be scary, or it might be a great thing.  If we aren't around to see what it is we'll never know.  I want to know.

   Things change, life happens, and you can make some of it happen if you want to.  You just have to find a way to love yourself.  I did and I'm still finding new ways to do so.    We all have a long road ahead of us.  I am hopefull that there are great things ahead.  I don't want to miss great things.  I just have to have some of the horrible things first.  In the end our lives will tell a full story full of the ups and downs,  full of people that disappoint us and people that surprise us.   We just have to be patient.

   I hope you are in a better place now.  ~Steinway
It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct. You must always have faith in people, and most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.
~E. Woods

Offline PositivelyYours

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #22 on: February 07, 2009, 11:40:01 PM »
Hello All,

Has anyone heard from Bigrob37? I pray that he is okay and that he sought after the necessary help. 


I have decided that life sucks and I hate the pain I m in and
I am going to agree with my doctor to take the sucide way out.
It s the only way to end my unhapiness thanks to oregon for this law
bye bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PositivelyYours

Diagnosed: 08/10/2006
08/31/06 CD4:240/VL:39,000
09/12/06 CD4:359/VL:50,000
11/16/06 CD4:509/VL:76,000 (Flu Shot)
02/13/07 CD4:270/VL:69,000
02/17/07 Developed the Shingles
02/20/07 CD4:326/VL (Not Tested)
03/20/07 CD4:484/VL:54,000
06/19/07 CD4:488/VL:51,000
09/18/07 CD4:372/VL:27,000
10/09/07 Took Flu Shot
12/18/07 CD4:408/VL:85,000
03/18/08 CD4:394/VL:116,000 (Still No Meds)
05/22/08 CD4:412/VL:63,000
08/13/08 CD4:362/VL:67,000
09/23/08 Took Flu Shot
10/15/08 CD4:340/VL:54,000
11/14/08 Started Atripla @ 9:45 p.m.
1/30/09 CD4:641/VL:<48 Copies
5/07/09 CD4:667/VL: Undetectable
12/02/09 CD4:759/VL: Undetectable
03/05/10 CD4:537/VL: Undetectable
03/16/10 Rec'd TB Skin Test, Pneumonia & Hep B Vac
04/15/10 Hep B & Tetanus Vac
6/10 CD4: 748 VL: Undet.

Offline Jeff64

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Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2009, 08:18:19 PM »
I do not blame him for wanting out. Who wants to live a life on pills that make you feel funny and sick?
This world sucks and if a Dr can help you out of it...cheers to the Dr.


Offline Winiroo

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  • Positive since 1991
Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2009, 09:33:23 PM »
I personally do not feel this world sucks. I can live with the pills if it gives me more time to see the things in life that are worth living for.

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,065
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: this will be my last post to everyone with aids
« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2009, 12:54:00 PM »
I do not blame him for wanting out. Who wants to live a life on pills that make you feel funny and sick?
This situation may not be so dire as to be about the end of someone's life; but could be about depression. Looking through Bigrob's latest posts, it could be either that something drastic has happened in his life, or Rob is just in a very depressed period of life, and this was not a case worthy of some sort of suicide or euthansia because of impending death or "feeling funny or sick".

Just because the meds make you feel "funny and sick", Jeff64, that's not really a valid reason to suggest suicide anyway. :o Dude! How about something a bit less drastic ::), like switching to a different regimen with no side effects? ;)

(I looked through your posts, like I did Rob's, and see that you've been dealing with your own depression issues lately, Jeff. I'm sorry to hear about that. I can truly understand how bad depression can make you feel, as I've had AIDS for 16 yrs. and had my second long-term partner passed away from it less than 10 months ago. :'( Even though you have been feeling badly lately, it's not very helpful, or polite, to post in someone else's thread that suicide/euthanasia could be a viable solution to their problems.)

Rob posted on Jan 13th (after he had been diagnosed in april, was ill and recovering, and quickly gone undetect and cd4>100 by november) showing that he had been pretty up-beat in his posts
I just get excited everyday when I wake up to be able to face the world with my greatness and humor.

however by Jan 27th, just two weeks later, Rob posted this
I wake up in the morning and soon after that I am ready for a nap, sometimes I feel like the end is near.
Than jerry springer comes on and for some odd reason I feel pumped up for awhile.

the following day he started this thread. :( Before that he spoke of how he and his wife were dealing with both of them infected. I had replied to him before in another thread and was surprised to hear the tone of this thread when his previous posts had not indicated things were "this" desperate.

I hope you're still there Rob and were just going through a bad time when you posted this thread.
Please let us hear back from you.  ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


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