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Just need some support

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Hello Aidsmeds community,

I thought maybe I'd reach out for some support. I've been reading the forums and have gained insight and hope from others who have travelled this road for much longer than I. I was diagnosed in Sept. of '05. Maybe it's obvious, but those traveling the same road have words with infinite more meaning than anything anybody has said to me in the past 9 months. In short and to be a bit dramatic...I feel alienated. I will try and lay it out quickly. As a man who identifies as straight, but also enjoys crossdressing and has slept with other tg's I feel I have ended up in a subculture upon a subculture upon a subculture. If you want to call me bi or gay I don't care. It matters little. The point is that all my friends are straight. I'm open to them about my interests, but after becoming positive I feel beyond alienated. I feel they are distancing themselves from me. They've attempted to be supportive but in the end have been horrible friends who irregularly return my phone calls and avoid the subject that currently dominates my life....which is of course that I have HIV. Perhaps someone could give me a little latitude and let me be a drama queen for awhile. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to hug me and tell me they'll stand with me no matter what. In this regard my friends have all let me down. It would be a bit of an understatement that I'm a bit lonely.

So I'm looking somewhere for a little support. Because I want to be strong. After being diagnosed I have made some changes in my life. Mainly I started working out like a madman. This I have come to enjoy, but after 9 months and waning support from everyone in my life I feel I'm growing weak. I can't stop smoking and I'm drinking more often. My workouts are also losing their fequency and enthusiasm. I've been working 6 day weeks and the stress is a bit beyond me. I want this crap out of my life but I always go back. Always just one more cigarette to help me cope.

I currently feel a bit cornered. Financially I can't drop my workload. I also need to stop seeing my therapist who I realized is a big reason why I have so much trouble paying my rent. My VL has gone from 1,500 to 15,000 to 69,000 (for ref. cd4 has gone from 435, 411, 425, 380, 430...%'s yo yo'd the same currently 29%). Next time I see my doc will be the 1 year mark and I feel I'm heading for meds unless I pull my shit together. It just seems too early for meds which just causes worry which causes etc. bad cycle.

So I don't know. Give me some words of wisdom. Kick my ass. Something.

Thank you and love to you all.


Matty the Damned:

Welcome! It's always a bittersweet thing to welcome a new member to the Forums.

You've certainly got some issues packed in this thread! First up -- your numbers don't seem too bad to me. Don't fret too much about your absolute CD4 count, that will fluctuate. Keep your eye on that percentage and 29% isn't too bad. Similarly, individual VL results are fairly meaningless. Watch the trend of over time -- that will give you a better idea of how things are going. Also check out the lessons here on test results and what they mean. They're very good.

I understand that Trannies often get treated very poorly, even by the supposedly tolerant gay community. As a gay man I'm often shocked at how my faggy bretheren treat Trannies. However you identify yourself is a matter for you and I'm sure you'll find that here at AIDSMEDS people look at what you say -- not who you are.

Booze and smokes. Oh honey, you're speaking my language. I swear, I smoke, I drink like a sailor. Often in the company of sailors. ;) From one heavy drinker and smoker to another -- it's not good but you can get a handle on it. It's something to discuss with your doctor.

Or any of the functional alcoholics here at AIDSMEDS. :D

Once again, welcome! I hope you find this place a rewarding as I have.

Matty the Damned

Hey OP,

Welcome to the family. You packed a lot into a first post. As Matty said, we don't judge people on their proclivities.
We are all in the same boat here, leaky as it is.
You are in your first year living with the bug. That, I think, is the toughest, because you are still getting used to this new chapter in your life.
Don't fret the numbers. Watch for trends over time. And, when the time comes, don't view starting treatment as a failure. Think of it as your way of taking back control of your life.
In the meantime, just take it a day at a time. I've been doing that for 21 years now.
As for the drinking and smoking - well, what can I say? It's better if you can cut down a bit, but don't go crazy and make yourself miserable in the process.
I don't drink much these days, usually, unless I get the inspiration to tie one on. At my age, it takes too long to recover from those escapades.

Hang in there. I look forward to hearing more from you.



Hi OP,

Welcome to the madhouse!

You became HIV+ a full 22 years to the month, after I did the same thing.  To make it for 22 years, you have to somehow, garner the inner strength to work out all these issues on your own, and I say to hell with anyone of your "friends" that cannot deal with your new life.  It is really important to realize just who is, and who isn't a friend, and to make that clarity in your mind very early on.  You might end up with only one or two very close, and supportive friends.  If this is the case, you will be very rich. 

About the disease; reduce your stress, and for sure, if your therapist is causing you more stress, the virus will be overjoyed if you keep going.  It seems that stress hormones are like a party for the virus, and you are still at a very crucial point in your disease progression, where you can make a huge difference in your numbers, just by reducing/eliminating stress.

I now give you a gift I found on the net, and I have had it stashed away for the exact and right person.  You are that person, and the gift is yours.  Please click on the attachment, and copy it to your files, it is now yours.

In Love and Support.

[attachment deleted by admin]



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