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Author Topic: Kate (penguin)  (Read 9227 times)

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Offline umfowabo

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Kate (penguin)
« on: January 18, 2009, 07:46:35 AM »
Kate died last Sunday a week ago today. It was very calm and quiet don't think she was in any pain or anything. I had put some music on for her I dont know if she could still hear it, she wasn't really conscious the last couple of days. I put on the Ben Taylor album she likes a lot and it was playing Surround Me. I was sitting next to her and she just stopped being here.

Cremation was on Thursday. She said she didn't want a proper funeral so it was just a few of us and some of her friends. She didn't want flowers said it was a waste of money, give it to a charity but I got her some proteas and calla lilies anyway. Probably have some kind of a memorial service in the summer maybe I don't know yet. Don't know when but I'll take her ashes to the places we decided Kirstenbosch Gardens, Noetzie beach and Nyanga up by Mtarazi falls so then she can be always at home and not have to miss any of it again.
I feel totally lost now keep feeling like I'm going to be sick every time something reminds me its actually happened. Can't sleep at the house there's too much of her here. I keep seeing her eyes the last time she looked at me. What am I supposed to do with all her things? I can't just throw them away that would be like throwing her away. Kate's ex and one of her oldest friends came round and tried to start helping me to put things away but I got way angry and started crying because I don't want anyone else touching the things that were hers right now, I want to keep all of them exactly where they are.
She was so beautiful and not like anyone else I know and I wish you all could have met her.
My best friend and my sister and parents all together in one person. I don't understand so many people loved her and she did everything she was supposed to and took all those medications for years. And you lot are still here but she isn't.
I'm getting really upset writing about this and I don't know what else to say. I just wanted to let people here know  what happened because I know a lot of you care about her very much & I just feel really on my own right now.

Matthew
« Last Edit: January 19, 2009, 08:07:15 AM by umfowabo »

Offline komnaes

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Re: Kate
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2009, 07:59:58 AM »
My heart skipped a beat when I saw the subject line... :'(

My heart is with you Matthew, and I am truly sorry of your loss. Kate will be missed by many of us...

And please take care of yourself too.

Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Kate
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2009, 08:39:53 AM »
Dearest Matthew, my heart goes out to you in this time of hurt.  We will all miss Kate dearly, and goodness knows she tried like crazy to beat what was in her body.

Take good care of yourself during this very, very difficult time.

David
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Kate
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2009, 08:42:32 AM »
Matthew,

My heart goes out to you. Words can not express the sadness, Kate will be missed.


Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 6/4/14,  t-cells are at 423, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 13% 

  
 62 years young.

Offline joemutt

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Re: Kate
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2009, 10:51:59 AM »
I am saddened by her death. I wish you strength and love. Kate was a very bright presence here and she will be in my memory.

Offline Teresa

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Re: Kate
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2009, 11:19:42 AM »
Matthew,
I am very sad to hear of Kates passing. She was loved here and will be missed.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs
Teresa :'(
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Robert

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Re: Kate
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2009, 11:39:51 AM »

matthew.

my heart also skipped a beat and now I wipe the tears from my eyes.

my love for kate and you.  Please take care of yourself.

robert
..........

Offline leatherman

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  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Kate
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2009, 11:52:18 AM »
Unfortunately too many here have lost the ones that they love (my partner passed this last May), and we all too well understand how terrible this time is for you. You have my deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences over your loss of Kate. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

{{{hugs}}}
mikie
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline Dachshund

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Re: Kate
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2009, 11:55:47 AM »
Oh Matthew, I know how difficult it was for you to write those words. Heartbroken can't convey my feelings. Our precious little Katie gone. I am so honored that I was able to share some part of her too short life with her. She was truly special. Sam and I received her Christmas gifts just a few short weeks ago. That was Katie, thinking of others until the end. Taking time to reassure, to comfort those of us she knew she was leaving behind. Her beauty of spirit will live on in my heart and in the hearts of anyone blessed to have known her.

I grieve with you Matthew.

Love,
Hal and Sam

Offline aztecan

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  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Kate
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2009, 11:59:42 AM »
Matthew,

I am very much saddened to hear of Kate's passing. She was a very special person and, knowing how much we'll miss her, I can only imagine the grief you are feeling.

Please take good care of yourself.

Mark

"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: Kate
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2009, 12:02:47 PM »
Bugger

I can't really think what to write here right now.  Sorry, Matthew. Much too small this word. I am glad we saw Ben Taylor, I am glad we went pebble hunting. This is just a too damn wrong thing to happen. Really sorry. Take care.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline bear60

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Re: Kate
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2009, 12:07:38 PM »
I am so sorry to hear that Kate has passed on.  She was very lucky to have such a brave and loving brother like you in her life.  She will always be with you, you know.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Veritee

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  • Posts: 180
    • Post Natal Illness Support
Re: Kate
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2009, 12:18:37 PM »
I really am just so sorry about your loss.

I know it is not the same my loved one had had a longish life and did not have HIV but Alzheimer's but my mum - who was also my friend, and much more to me, passed away on Tuesday last week and her cremation is on Sat - she also did not want a complicated funeral nor burial and so we are having just a few words spoken by the family about how we remember her.

I related to your post about Kate's death as my mum too passed away unconscious for the last couple of days but with her favorite music on which we hoped she could still hear.

I will be thinking of you on Thursday

Veritee
I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

Offline pozniceguy

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  • Niceguy Dallas
Re: Kate
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2009, 01:01:41 PM »
RIP Kate , you are missed and there will be an empty place in many hearts   Take care of yourself Mathew.....and be sure to stay with us on the forum....

Nick
remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline John2038

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Re: Kate
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2009, 01:57:20 PM »
Hi

I feel very sorry reading such post.
In this life, no matter what we do, how much we love, we are forced to loose those we love and they may loose us as well. I always found this incredible. As the life.

I just hopes the next level after is the Eternity.

Best Wishes Matthew

With Love,
John

Offline Mouse

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
Re: Kate
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2009, 02:45:02 PM »
I can't entirely comprehend this right now. I feel like there is something I should say but I don't really think there are any words that are appropriate.

I wish I had the chance to say everything I wanted to say to her, and share all of the things I wanted to share with her, but I don't really know if that's ever possible to begin with.

I hope she knew how much I thought of her and how much I loved reading her messages and the cards she sent to me. And how spot-on she was with knowing the right things to say to make me smile or laugh. Every time I see an especially cute picture of a penguin I got an urge to send it to her. I can't believe I'm not going to be able to do silly things like that anymore. I can't even really think of her in the past tense.

I'm not sure exactly when I'm going to really understand this. Knowing that - I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Matthew. You'll always have a place here with us - a whole bunch of other people that were crazy about her. If you ever need anything please just let me know, even if it's just to talk. I know how inadequate that is but I wanted you to know.

I don't know what else to say.

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,939
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Kate
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2009, 03:28:12 PM »
Dearest Mathew

I have no words, only tears.

R.I.P. Kate you will always be loved and missed.

In sadness
Jan :'(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Mouse

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  • Posts: 1,463
  • Om nom nom.
Re: Kate
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2009, 03:52:19 PM »
Matty asked me if I could post an email he sent to Kate not too long ago that she replied to in which he thanked her for some gifts that she had sent him.

Quote
I have received your lovely gifts and I could not be more grateful. Excellent poetry is a particular passion of mine, and I have over these last few days been entranced by the verse of Uche Nduka.

I don't know if you've heard of an Australian poet called Dorothy Porter. Nduka does not remind me of Porter, save for the pleasure I derive from their works. A fine lesbian, Porter was one of two Antipodean poets who was able to make a living with the pen alone. We lost her on December 10th this year.

If you get the chance, check out The Monkey Mask.

It's all a matter of "if", isn't it?

Our seahorse looks east across the Valley, hopelessly inland yet able to see the brilliant Australian sun. I think my southern sun is reminiscent of the one which crosses an African sky. ;;)

Rest assured that Hal and Little Jaser will always reside within the circle of my regard. And so will your Matthew, as far as my regard is able.

I don't know if you'll read this message, and in any event I'm starting to wax emotional so I'll sign off now hoping that we'll speak again but aware that we may not.

I love you,

MtD

Offline cjc

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  • Posts: 1,011
  • Sweet Girl
Re: Kate
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2009, 04:26:41 PM »
Matthew, so sorry to hear of Kate's passing. I did not know her well but I do know that she was a wonderful woman and the world is a little darker for her passing. Cristy

Online GSOgymrat

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  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Kate
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2009, 04:32:01 PM »
So sorry hear hear about Kate. She will be missed.

Ford

Offline red_Dragon888

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  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Kate
« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2009, 04:37:14 PM »
My condolences...  :'(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Kate
« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2009, 09:33:38 PM »
Dear Matthew
Your sister reached out to many with kindness. She is much loved. 
My condolences
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Basquo

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  • Posts: 3,254
Re: Kate
« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2009, 12:31:15 AM »
Thank you for letting us know, Matthew. I'm a little numb hearing this news. I imagine it wasn't easy for you to post here.

Farewell, sweet Kate! Swim the cool Heavens like the penguins you let me envision...

 :'(

Offline umfowabo

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2009, 08:31:38 AM »
I don't really know what to say either. I just sat here for ages looking at things you all wrote and it made me so sad.
She said one of the hard things would be telling people. And she was right it's like it's all happening again every time I have to tell someone else and I start panicking and feel like I can't breathe. And also the way everyone and everything just keeps going laughing and smiling and going to work. Even though she's gone and I feel like even standing up or speaking is impossible a lot of the time because it hurts so much without her here. And I want to just start shouting at them because it's like they don't even care or understand whats happened.
Matt I know she thought the world of you and seeing you or talking to you on the phone always brightened her up. The last time she talked to you she got really sad after because she said there were lots of things she felt like she should have said to you. But I said you probably already knew the important things anyway.
Mouse she really liked all the things you sent her she must have read that book about the penguin a hundred times and it still make her smile. And like I just wrote to Matt I think in the end she knew all the important things because I think with the people you love you don't always have to say everything out loud.

I don't know what to do with myself it really hurts and everything seems to makes me more upset.I just don't want her to be gone.





Offline BT65

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  • Member
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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #24 on: January 19, 2009, 09:25:30 AM »
Dear Matthew, I am so, so sorry.  I'll dearly miss Kate.  Truly.  I don't know what else to say right now.  I know she's free.
  Much love,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline sharkdiver

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  • Posts: 1,350
Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #25 on: January 19, 2009, 11:03:55 AM »
Matthew,
I will miss exchanging poems as well as  pictures of penguins (and sharks) with her. She was such a beautiful and sweet person.  I have signed on a several dozen times to write something since yesterday but could not and still cannot find the words to express what I am feeling. But it is not about me, it is about making sure you are supported right now.   Know that we are here for you.

Peace,
Eric (aka Sharkie)

Offline minismom

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  • Quocumque jeceris stabit
Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2009, 11:25:22 AM »
Matthew, I'm truly speechless.  I told Mini and she said, "but now Kate's OK because she's flying with the angels." 

I've moved the penguin mug that she sent Mini from the cabinet to one of our display shelves.  I couldn't take it if it got broken. 

Much love to you.  You took such wonderful care of her until the end.  The love the two of you had she took with her into eternity.

Mum and Mini.
www.watoto.com
www.MotherBearProject.org
"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline northernguy

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2009, 12:12:28 PM »
I'm so very sorry to hear this.  I'll miss her posting here.
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline manchesteruk

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2009, 02:34:23 PM »
I honestly don't know what to say.  Kate was a wonderful person and she will always be missed on here. 

R.I.P Kate
Diagnosed 11/05

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" Oscar Wilde

Offline gemini20

  • Member
  • Posts: 262
Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2009, 02:50:48 PM »
Dear Matthew,

Such sad news, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle with the loss of your beloved sister.

Kate’s eloquent words will be greatly missed from this forum.

My deepest condolences at this difficult time.



Emma
Diagnosed 11th September 1991
Current CD4 count 484 (26%); viral load undetectable (December 2011).
Restarting boosted Prezista 08/04/11

Offline Cliff

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #30 on: January 19, 2009, 04:17:36 PM »
A beautiful soul and am glad I had the chance to meet her.  She will be missed.  Much.

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #31 on: January 19, 2009, 07:12:40 PM »
hear hear to what our Texan man Cliff sez

I need a new kitchen door, it's resting on its hinges, I kinda kicked it off. And there's a hole in my bedroom plaster. I guess I am well angry

Maybe when I get up to Knysa in March I will be calmer and build a fire, beginning or end of the day dunno which. Or if I don't get there I will have to settle for Kommetjie down at Capetown. Or maybe the far end of the beach at Muizenberg by the new township in the wind with the dogs, fisherman and half hidden Cape peninsula mountains

Of all the things I remember is Kate's eyes shining out under her dark hair and up from her duffle coat. Like some kind of dunno what, sommat strong, incisive but of the moment, like sudden rain on a sunny May day.

I is gonna go think about building a winter African fire come March,  and then I guess get well drunk, play some Skunk Anansie and then, finally, some James Taylor.

Mattthew, i guess you might get/see this message. So to twist the knife a bit further by reminding I am sorry. I am a smaller person than the damn fine, punky, slight but giant Kate, I am. She was, is, will always be a lighting star.

- matt
« Last Edit: January 19, 2009, 11:59:46 PM by newt »
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #32 on: January 19, 2009, 07:13:54 PM »
Dear Matthew, I am so sorry to hear about Kate.   She was very much loved here, and I personally thought a lot of her.   She will be missed tremendously.  She was very kind, and very wise as well.

with love, and in sorrow --

Alan  :'(

RIP Kate
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline David_CA

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #33 on: January 19, 2009, 10:13:14 PM »
Matthew,

I am so sorry to hear about Kate.  I know she'll be missed here as well.  Take care of yourself.

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #34 on: January 20, 2009, 12:00:25 AM »
Damn, I am really numb and blown away by the news. I never had the chance to meet her but had talked to her before. Though I did not know her as well as some of the people here, I could tell by her words what kind of person she was.

I know you are hurting right now, Matthew. You have my deepest condolences....
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
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Offline Ann

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2009, 06:50:49 AM »
((((((Matthew))))))

I'm devastated. I've been trying since yesterday to find the words... but like Matt (Newt) all I find myself doing is hitting and kicking inanimate objects. Angry doesn't begin to describe. Sad doesn't come close. Devastated isn't even adequate.

Matthew, I love your screen name - it means "her brother" and is such a fitting tribute to the relationship you two shared. She will always live on in your heart.

The world has lost one of its leading lights; an intelligent and compassionate woman who will never be replaced.

Rest in Peace, Kate. Love you.

Ann
xxx




edited to add:  Loss
« Last Edit: January 20, 2009, 10:16:35 AM by Ann »
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline AndyArrow

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2009, 08:18:03 AM »
Having only read some of her postings here and a few private PMs I didn't really know her like so many here still she touched my heart and I am so sorry for your loss.

AA
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

tendai

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #37 on: January 20, 2009, 08:24:33 AM »
matthew im so so sorry for your loss. she was a great person..

Offline umfowabo

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #38 on: January 20, 2009, 06:03:41 PM »
Thank you for all the things you wrote to me and about Kate.

Matt I just went bos the other day and had a smash and throwing session myself. Didn't really help but now the wooden table outside is in bits. Her eyes you know it seems like the smaller the rest of her became the bigger and darker they got. Kate always says how do people here know who they're talking to, they never look at them properly. Always looking at the floor or their hands or something you never see their eyes for more than a second. But she didn't do that her eyes are the things you notice most.

Ann yes that is what umfowabo means. Thank you. I know you talked on the phone and skype and you,Matty and Hal all used to make her smile and really cheer her up on bad days. She has a beautiful smile her whole face lights up.

I was thinking about a few years ago Kate and I went back to SA and while we were there a family friend of ours died. We went to see his family and his wife was just curled up on the floor crying, but not crying more like when you've been crying for long time and there isn't any left. They do grieving differently there it's much more physical if that makes sense. Anyway Kate just got down on the floor with her and sat and held her for ages. Because she said there wasn't anything to say and sometimes people need help to hold all of the sadness and take some of it for them. I didn't really get it then but now I know how that lady was feeling.Only now there isn't a Kate.


Offline Ann

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #39 on: January 20, 2009, 08:25:52 PM »
Matthew,

I'm on the floor with you.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline LatinAlexander

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #40 on: January 21, 2009, 07:04:20 AM »
Words=0.

I just , dunno what to say.

(((((((((For you)))))))))))))


Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2009, 08:31:17 AM »
live strong

Sorry for the song "Say" by John Myer on youtube, but I was informed that Kate did not like that particular singer, so I had edited it out.   It is ashame though, for it is a very nice song.  My condolences once again and I hope that where ever she is, she is looking down at you wishing you well.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2009, 09:44:57 AM by red_Dragon888 »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

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Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #42 on: January 21, 2009, 02:47:18 PM »
Hello Matthew. I will remember Kate as a sensible, charming, and tremendously helpful young lady. I feel for you. Peace to her, you and your family.

Alex

Offline purpledragonfly

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #43 on: January 21, 2009, 04:03:46 PM »
Matthew, I am so sadden right now. I didn't know Kate very well, but i would read her postings and i thought very highly of her. It is so hard to let someone you love go. Rember all the good times you two had and it will get eaiser, talking about her to others will help. You and Kate will be in my prayers.

Wendy

Offline Peter Staley

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #44 on: January 24, 2009, 10:23:30 AM »
Matthew -- thank you for taking the time and finding the strength to post this sad news.  As you can see from this thread, Kate touched many lives here.  I know she touched mine.  I can almost see her bright eyes that you describe so well.  If you have any pictures of Kate for us to remember her by, feel free to post them here..  or not.

I sent Kate a PM a few months back asking how she was holding up, and after giving me a medical blow-by-blow, she ending her reply (dated Nov. 10th) as follows:

Quote
I'm probably looking at around 4-8 weeks now, barring some miraculous happening or other infection. I have an excellent palliative care team supporting me 24/7, who are working hard to make sure my pain & symptom management is as good as it can be - I'm just very tired.

I wanted to see Obama win and have another birthday (tomorrow) - and then i think i'm done.  Strange sort of calm, almost distance - I guess it's something the mind needs to do to prepare you for leaving.

You built a wonderful resource here at aidsmeds, Peter  - an achievement to be proud of always, and i've met some once in a lifetime kind of people because of it - thank you.

take care - Kate

Rest in peace, Kate.  Your body may have failed you, but your spirit will always burn brightly in all those you touched.

Offline Delby

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #45 on: January 26, 2009, 08:48:06 AM »
Just a few months after i was diagnosed in 06, i created a post about how sad, afraid and lost i felt. One of the few people who responded, was your sister Kate. From then on we exchanged emails, and exchanged thoughts and feelings. One of which i remember - i said i feel like i'm treading water in the middle of a big ocean, tired and weary. Kate replied, one day you will see land and you will feel land beneath your feet - a grounding feeling. In the little time i did know her, she struck me as kind, compassionate, intelligent, strong and sensitive to others around her.

Like many others, she reached out to me, she provided support and intelligent advice. I am sorry for your loss and very upset hearing this news. I know she is at peace now.

Delby

Offline keyite

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #46 on: January 28, 2009, 07:08:08 AM »
Very sad to learn of this news. I didn't know Kate very well but I really enjoyed reading her posts and she gave me some excellent advice when I was battling skin problems. She was very kind in the PMs we subsequently exchanged.

May she rest in peace.

Offline umfowabo

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #47 on: January 28, 2009, 07:41:09 PM »
Thank you everyone who has written since I last posted. Delby and Keyite I'm glad Kate helped you that would have made her happy.

I can't believe its been 2 weeks now. It's like I'm not really here. I'm not coping with things well I'm so angry. I'm angry at her for leaving me and then I get angry at myself beacause it wasn't her fault any of this. I'm angry at a lot of her friends and people who knew her who don't want to talk about it as if that makes it not real like she never existed. I want to talk about her and I don't care right now if it makes them uncomfortable. Jirre but I'm angry at all the stupid things people say and how they keep bringing me flowers and food. What is it with food when people die. I don't want to eat it I don't want flowers the only thing I want to do is talk to her and see her again and have a hug from her. My brain keeps playing this trick on me whenever I see someone about her height or same hair or something it's like for a second it's her. Then I realise it's not and it all hurts even more. I'm angry that nobody can say why is she gone and why couldn't we make her better.
When I'm not angry I'm just really lonely and hurting. Hard to speak or do anything. It's there if I manage to fall asleep and it all hits me again when I wake up and then I just start crying.



« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 07:48:27 PM by umfowabo »

Offline Winiroo

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #48 on: January 28, 2009, 08:10:40 PM »
You've done a very good job of expressing your feelings. I must admit I avoided posting my condolenses for your sister because I have difficulty in acknowledging deaths. In trying to convey my being sorry that someone lost a loved one I think of my own losses.

I remember having a house full of flowers and wanting to knock them all to the ground because I was angry at the money spent on them when I was trying to figure out how I would pay my own bills now that my husband was gone.

People bringing food over? <shrugs> you know, that always happens. Its a comfort thing. People want to show you they care about you so they bring you food. They worry you'll be to distraught to take care of yourself properly.
In general people are uncomfortable talking about death. Guess it makes them feel less immortal. I've experienced the seeing someone you think for a second that it is the person you lost. I've responded to a child calling mom thinking it was my own son with out even thinking about it. It doesn't happen as often as it used to. My son has been dead since 1997. And with no kids in the house anymore I've grown used to not hearing "mom" as often.
It takes a while but you kinda get used to it. You don't really ever get over it I don't think. You just kinda get used to them not being there.

Your sister was a nice lady. I'm sorry I took so long to acknowledge you.

Offline Snowangel

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #49 on: January 28, 2009, 08:15:04 PM »
Matthew-
I am sorry for your loss.
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

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Offline minismom

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #50 on: January 30, 2009, 06:17:09 AM »
Matthew, will you talk to us about Kate?  We all knew pieces of her, but you knew her best of all.  I'd love to hear of your stories growing up.  What was Kate like as a kid?  Was she messy? adventurous? a good student?  What was her favorite movie? color? style of music? 

You are a music teacher, yes?  Did you ever try to teach her to play?  Was she the next virtuouso or did she make the dogs howl and the neighbors complain?

Anything that you'd like to share, I'd love to hear.  I'd love to know Kate the way you know Kate.  And I promise not to make you any sugar-free Rice Krispie Treats. ;)

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Offline Dachshund

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #51 on: January 30, 2009, 12:02:14 PM »
Thank you everyone who has written since I last posted. Delby and Keyite I'm glad Kate helped you that would have made her happy.

I can't believe its been 2 weeks now. It's like I'm not really here. I'm not coping with things well I'm so angry. I'm angry at her for leaving me and then I get angry at myself beacause it wasn't her fault any of this. I'm angry at a lot of her friends and people who knew her who don't want to talk about it as if that makes it not real like she never existed. I want to talk about her and I don't care right now if it makes them uncomfortable. Jirre but I'm angry at all the stupid things people say and how they keep bringing me flowers and food. What is it with food when people die. I don't want to eat it I don't want flowers the only thing I want to do is talk to her and see her again and have a hug from her. My brain keeps playing this trick on me whenever I see someone about her height or same hair or something it's like for a second it's her. Then I realise it's not and it all hurts even more. I'm angry that nobody can say why is she gone and why couldn't we make her better.
When I'm not angry I'm just really lonely and hurting. Hard to speak or do anything. It's there if I manage to fall asleep and it all hits me again when I wake up and then I just start crying.





 Matthew, I lost a sister and still I can't imagine the pain you're going through. I think of and miss Katie everyday. When Sam curls up to sleep on the blanket Kate sent him I think of Katie. I imagine how much she would have liked to tuck him in. It hurts to see her name in print, but it helps to know she cared for me. We never spoke without her mentioning her Matthew. She truly defies description.

I know Katie was a very private person and I don't know if she would cringe or laugh (probably a bit of both) at any discussion of her personal life. I suspect that she'd prefer to remain a bit of a mystery.

I  just can't find the words.

Offline leatherman

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #52 on: January 30, 2009, 01:20:32 PM »
I'm angry at a lot of her friends and people who knew her who don't want to talk about it as if that makes it not real like she never existed. I want to talk about her and I don't care right now if it makes them uncomfortable

What is it with food when people die. I don't want to eat it I don't want flowers the only thing I want to do is talk to her and see her again and have a hug from her.
You may need to explain your need to speak about Kate to your friends/family. Some time after each of my long-term partners passed away, I had to bitch at my friends and family about why no one seemed to ever talk about my partners or hardly even mention their names again. (it's still happening less than a year after my last partner passed away) It seems everyone was so afraid of making ME sad and making ME cry again that they chose to hold things in and not talk about my partners at all. What?!?! Didn't they realize that I was crying nearly every day as it was? Talking about Randy or Jim sure wasn't going to make anything worse. For heaven's sake, the worst (their passing away) had already happened. So it's probably not because they are uncomfortable; but they're actually worried about making you sadder than you already are by bringing up Kate.

The food is brought because your friends realize that all your normal routines are probably shot to hell and back after the past few months. They can't do anything more for Kate; but they can at least try to make sure that you stay alive by bringing food - food that you didn't have to shop for, prepare, or cook. All you have to do is "force" yourself to eat a few bites and get through another day.

and forcing yourself to get through the days is all you can do right now. As Winiroo mentioned, you'll never get over this loss; but you will get used to it. It just takes time - a lot of time to regain your life and purpose and move forward again. Fourteen years later, I still miss Randy; but now when I think of him, I remember all those good times together and very little of his last terrible days being sick. Unfortunately, since Jim only passed away in May, it still doesn't take much to make me miss him and to bring the tears; but my life is slowly getting back on track and I'm finally able to think about our good times together rather than those horrible 60 days in the hospital before he died. (well, until Mar-May comes around and I start thinking back to what happened last year. sigh)

Your life will be forever changed by Kate's passing; but you will continue on. I know it's hard to believe now; but you will eventually move on - life won't let you stand still too long no matter how hurt you are, I've learned.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


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Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: Kate (penguin)
« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2010, 05:48:56 AM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

 


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