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Author Topic: I know but he doesn't know I know  (Read 2682 times)

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Offline jorg

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I know but he doesn't know I know
« on: August 03, 2006, 11:18:41 PM »
I thought this might be the appropriate place to post this topic.

I have a friend of mine who i know is HIV+.  He dosen't know that I know, and has never told me.  But I know through a background story that would get too lengthy to explain here.  Anyway, the point is he is + and i'm aware of that.  Should i tell him that I know and that it's OK?  Or maybe he simply dosen't want to be treated differently than anyone else...so should i keep my mouth shut about it?

I feel pretty terrible now because a few years ago I was freaking out to him over my first HIV test...just because it was my first test and for no rational reason.  I said things like "what if i have it?  i dont want to die of AIDS".  I feel pretty bad about having said that in front of him...I can only imagine what he was thinking, and I wonder how he maintained a straight face.

Offline Life

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2006, 11:27:13 PM »
Jorg, I speak for myself here...  I disclose to those I care about, who are close to me as you are to your friend.   I would think, in time, your friend will talk to you about this...  I am not sure how long your friend has been +ve but it does take time.  If you were to tell him you knew the "clock starts spinning" and he will think of how you found out and cause more stress on him.  Again, I think if you remain open and approachable, he will tell you.  You can still be his closest friend even if you know... Disclosure happens with time,  let it be his time and not yours...


Offline Eldon

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2006, 12:29:34 AM »
Hello Jorg, it is Eldon. First of all Welcome to the Forums. Here you will find answers to your questions and the love and support you need.

Eric, has said it ever so clearly: "Let him disclose to you in time". It's not your place to do so, it will cause more stress on him than he is already dealing with.

Support him as much as you can through your friendship. When he feels comfortable, he will open up and share with you about his experiences.

Offline wellington

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2006, 12:52:31 AM »
Eldon raises some good points about support.

I was just going to say that you might make an effort to dispel any negative feelings you might have shared in the past - such as your reaction to being tested yourself. It at least puts you back to a more neutral stance and may even support being more empathetic to his situation, in his eyes, without tackling the issue head on. You could also enter into conversation about recent news events related to HIV and share your thoughts - assuming they're supportive and non-judgemental (toward him).

Offline otherplaces

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2006, 01:14:26 AM »

I, of course, believe everyone's previous comments offer good insight and value.

But I must respectfully disagree from my own perspective.

I'd say first one must consider that if this is a recent diagnosis what I believe may not apply (or perhaps it may be prudent to wait).  BUT if someone I knew did know my status and I did not know that information...I would definitely want to know.

A few weeks after my diagnosis a 'friend' of mine disclosed my status to another friend of mine w/o my permission.  And then later watched while I disclosed to this person believing she did not know.  Being just a few weeks in it was beyond painful for me...to know later that it was a charade seems beyond cruel to me.

Please don't under-value honesty.

brian

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2006, 03:27:54 AM »
iT IS HIS INFORMATION TO GIVE. lET HIM GIVE IT WHEN HE FEELS IT IS TIME.
Positive since 1985

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2006, 04:23:04 AM »
This, to my mind, is an issue of privacy and power. HIV, especially when we're newly diagnosed, strips us of our sense of personal control and power over our lives. The right to disclose at a time of our choosing is, I would submit, an important one.

Jorg, let your friend tell you in his own time. Allow him his power and respect his privacy.

Fondly,

MtD

tendai

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2006, 05:16:56 AM »
i agree, wait for him to tell u.  personally i wouldnt like it if someone came up to me and says ' i know u have HIV'. i'd probably say to them 'so what?' and walk away. or something.  but i wouldnt like it if i never told that information myself

Offline Cliff

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2006, 06:00:46 AM »
I probably wouldn't say anything, until he disclosed to me.  He doesn't feel comfortable or ready to talk about his status with you, and you disclosing that you know his status would force him to speak about something he isn't ready to.  But I probably would tell him after the fact, assuming how you came to know his status was a significant issue (i.e., someone disclosing his personal information to others).  It's a tough call, because either way he may be hurt (he may be hurt if you tell him you know before he's ready and he may be hurt if you decide not to and he finds out you already knew).  But given the issues, it's probably best to cautious and wait.

Offline Ann

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2006, 06:24:16 AM »
Jorg,

Considering some of the attitudes you display in your thread in the Am I forum, I don't think you should talk to this friend about his hiv status at all. I am wondering if the real reason you want to let him know you know is because you want him to answer the same questions you've asked in your other thread. Leave him alone. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you.

And considering your comment in the other forum "I dont know if he was poz or neg, but judging from his behaivor i wouldn't be suprised if he was poz." I can't help but think you are assuming this friend of your is positive - hearsay and rumour are just that. You don't know anything for certain about your friend's status until he tells you himself.

Just leave the guy alone. And by the way, you really shouldn't be posting over here.

Ann
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Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2006, 09:09:25 AM »
Brothers and Sisters,

Given Ann's comments I think it fair to say we've been had by a WW trouble maker.

 >:(

MtD

Offline jorg

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Re: I know but he doesn't know I know
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2006, 04:31:28 PM »

And considering your comment in the other forum "I dont know if he was poz or neg, but judging from his behaivor i wouldn't be suprised if he was poz." I can't help but think you are assuming this friend of your is positive - hearsay and rumour are just that. You don't know anything for certain about your friend's status until he tells you himself.

Just leave the guy alone. And by the way, you really shouldn't be posting over here.

Ann


Actually, Ann, as i said before in that same thread, you are reading too much into that remark i made.  I already said, in the same thread, i didn't mean it that way.

I'd appreacite it if you would stop making these "holier-than-thou" remarks and start treating me with the respect that another human being should deserve, or just stay out of my topics all together.

And to everyone else who made a serious remark, thanks.  I think the general feelings are that it's his information to give.  I shouldn't talk about it until he comes to me.

-J
« Last Edit: August 06, 2006, 04:39:56 PM by jorg »

 


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