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Author Topic: Can't forget but can I forgive?  (Read 7197 times)

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Offline mecch

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Can't forget but can I forgive?
« on: January 14, 2009, 07:40:06 PM »
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
Article above on forgiveness to overcome grudges and bitterness.

It seems that I have to forgive my ex for something but its taking me too long.  What is your experience with forgiveness? Can you give me advice? It is HIV-related...

This is the dilemma:
I had a few HIV+ boyfriends in my past and was never infected. Probably had hundreds of HIV+ tricks or lovers or whatever.  A few of my HIV+ boyfriends died. This was before there was treatment.
HIV and I had a twisted history in other words. 

I met my last bf in the 90's and we stayed together over 10 years. 5 good, then a few bad, then a few pretty ridiculously bad. About two years before we broke up he became HIV+.  He put himself together and had a good immune response but his drinking and partying ways actually increased for awhile and emotionally he was pretty uneven. He would never talk to me about HIV. But after we broke up he said I had been cold.

He had a long-distance lover who was HIV+ before he became positive himself. I wasn't too happy about that cause 1) he had a lover and 2) the lover was positive and had his OWN boyfriend and 3) my ex-bf was kinda reckless.  Well I hadn't heard that relationship for over a year, but then a few months after my ex became positive, I discovered that in fact the relation had continued and the lover had taken an apartment in the same city my ex worked in, and they continued their passionate affair. So some evenings when my ex was working late and sleeping with friends, well, you get the picture. Like a 50's marriage!

This had gone on over a year without my knowing.  By the way, that lover didn't infect my ex.

Well, a couple months after my ex got HIV, there was a crime, theft and other nasty business, my ex and the lover both victims, actually, but it broke them up. (My ex brought a trick to their pied a terre, who drugged him and stole everything of his and his lovers.)

We had an open relation, but i just tricked and my ex had pretty important love affairs. The relation was going straight to hell, obviously.  Neither of us were angels, but I was honest. I was the happy homemaker, even though i worked full time as well, like my ex.

Anyway, long story short. He found some other lovers in distant cities.  He always for 10 years told me and everyone that I was the love of his life and I believed it. He was the love of my life.

Anyway. so in 2007 he comes home and announces he has a new young llover who lives in OUR city, and that he wants a passionate affair with him and that he is in love with him, but its just temporary. Oh my, real trouble for me. His Quote: "I need this man and passion or I will lose my job and get sick with AIDS. This is my last chance yada yada."

I said we should talk to a counselor - he refused. I said we should talk to friends. He refused that - because didn't want anyone to know he was HIV.  And didn't want the identity of his lover known because the lover was in the closet and had a girlfriend.  ICK.

OK - so the question we have now, 2009, is why I put up with this? I put up with it for several months until I had a nervous breakdown. Both my ex.-bf and his lover refused to help me in any way. But my ex told me all along that he needed it because of his HIV and also he would take the apartment and yada yada - it was just a summer affair yada yada. (Well in hindsight all the messages were mixed and contradictory but the intent was clear - but i was too mesmerised and hurt and confused to react.)

Finally he sent instant messages to me meant for his new lover and I discovered how much he was lying to me and broke up. But the damage was done.

I lost so much in that divorce.  I was a wreck for months, but got the psychological help I needed.
Oh, I also kept his secret about HIV.

But now, looking back, and talking to my shrink, I think he blackmailed me with HIV. Especially considering my past with POZ boyfriends.  And also, he didnt let me get the help and support I needed in order to protect this new guy who was living a lie..

Well, you all know the irony then - 9 months later I seroconverted and had a horrible summer 2008, and pretty much instant AIDS. And now I am on HAART.

My shrink said, looking back just a few months on summer of 2008 and summer 2007, said I did MUCH better dealing with HIV and instant AIDS then a destroyed relationship and emotional abuse.

I feel, in a nutshell, my health would be better, my recovery would be better, if I could forgive my ex for this blackmail. Hes still with this guy and I see that this guy has good effects on him, but remember, I still think that guy acted like a coward and a homewrecking jerk. 

It bothers me that no one in our circle of friends understands how awful was the manipulation, at the end. Cause I can't talk to people about the dirty deck of cards they both played with, because HIV was key to the whole ratf*ck.  So no one knows my ex is POZ. And everyone knows I am POZ because I said so, because I needed support, and also just because its reality.  And some people think I'm the bitter one.  And I still can't say anything.

So, how the hell do I forgive? I know forgiveness is for me. But it galls me that there is no justice and judgement, other than my own judgement, of his appalling behaviour. He thinks its all just unfortunate accidents. My ex's new bf denies any responsiblity for anything.

But even if I can see the fear that was involved, i also see the sheer selfishness and viciousness of both their lying ways.  I want everyone to know.  And THEN i want to forgive.  He he, i know, that's shallow of me. Will make it seem heroic. 

But I can't seem to find the magic formula.  It is bugging me to no end, hurting my relationship with mutual friends, who i don't want to lose.  Everything seems poisoned. And I shouldnt let an old story poison my life, today, now.


« Last Edit: January 14, 2009, 08:04:44 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Assurbanipal

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2009, 08:15:39 PM »
Reading this I hear anger, some love, frustration and a raging sense of injustice, but tempered by the experience and knowledge that there are always two sides.  It sounds like you know that outing your ex as poz will not improve the situation -- it will likely lead to escalation and will probably fail to improve your standing within your circle of mutual friends -- but it doesn't feel emotionally satisfactory to do nothing.


So if you don't really think you should hash this out in public, is there another way to not "do nothing"?

Would it be possible to ask for a meeting and bring your post or something similar for him to read to start the discussion?  What does your therapist think about your strategies for confronting him in person or via outing?

A

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Offline mecch

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2009, 08:13:57 AM »
Reading this I hear anger, some love, frustration and a raging sense of injustice, but tempered by the experience and knowledge that there are always two sides.  It sounds like you know that outing your ex as poz will not improve the situation -- it will likely lead to escalation and will probably fail to improve your standing within your circle of mutual friends -- but it doesn't feel emotionally satisfactory to do nothing.

Thanks Assurbanipal, for kindly reading my whining post and your thoughtful comments, as always!  Yep, as this is a "rumination" in my brain I am sure there are as many sides as there are people connected to the challenge. 

I never thought generally "poz outing" (?) my ex was a solution - not back then - which is why i wanted a therapist or maybe a close mutual friend (both declined). And I don't think its appropriate now - it's not his POZ status that hurt me, (though I was disturbed and concerned of course) it was that he finally used it like a wound and weapon to put me in a stressful situation.  He was afraid the new guy would leave him (I was the one who pushed him to tell the new lover, a few months after they had met!) so he was stringing me along on false hopes and not giving me any bones of support.  The HIV card was a sympathy and guilt card he played, and I couldn't protect myself, basically.



So if you don't really think you should hash this out in public, is there another way to not "do nothing"?

Would it be possible to ask for a meeting and bring your post or something similar for him to read to start the discussion?  What does your therapist think about your strategies for confronting him in person or via outing?

I have met with him, sent letters. The psychic mechanism that let me sit in that relationship at the end and get hurt so badly is only becoming clearer now, that I am POZ too and that I have some distance from the pain.  He can't respond to the accusations of lies and manipulation, its too strong, let alone accidental or purposeful blackmail. (I actually think it was on purpose - to transit from one to the other other with least possible damage to himself and to the new guy - they both dumped their lies on me to deal with.) 

The last time we spoke he couldn't remember anything about the terms of the deal he offerred (just a lover, i need it cause i have HIV.... etc etc) and even couldn't remember that his "new secret lover" had had a girlfriend at all - said it had been a misunderstanding. (NOT - verified independently and even in old emails to me from my ex.)

I met with my ex's new bf last spring 2008. (He did come out and dump his gf, finally after I dumped mine).  He didn't see it my way, of course, but also showed a lot of denial about what he knew about our relation and my pain and my requests for help and honesty and communication, so he therefore feels no responsibility for his actions. Hes young but shouldnt be so naif, I didn't buy his naivite for a second, actually.



The Mayo clinic chaplain has really wonderful advice about the benefits of foregiveness and the strategies that can help one forgive.  I just can't find the mechanism.  Maybe thats why I posted here. I find it really hard to forgive an injustice when nobody had judged the injustice, nobody knows about it.

I don't know if those two are in denial, protecting themselves, or honestly don't see my point, or quickly decided who cared, thems the breaks (i broke, they didnt) and got on with their relationship. Probably a mix.

But the damage to me was incredibly scarring. When I say I had a nervous breakdown, its not a manner of speaking. I became completely dysfunctional and finally said i had to go into a clinic or get help, immediately. At first meeting with shrink I was diagnosed severe anxious depression and put on fair amount of drugs, and managed to get back to work but thats about it for several months.

I just figure its a new year - 2009, and I want to be rid of this poison so I want the key to foregiveness.  Someone tells me what it is I'll be eternally grateful, and much happier!
« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 08:22:32 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Gary85741

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2009, 08:17:42 AM »

Yours is a pretty difficult situation, and it's only natural that the more difficult the situation, the harder it is to forgive and work through it.

I would offer this: Do you think you would feel better, yourself, if you forgive?  Make it about your own mental health, not anyone else's.  Don't give someone else the power to affect you.  If you forgive, you are taking back the power.

I recall when President Nixon resigned and made a long, somewhat rambling speech to a large group of staffers the day he left the White House.  He said "Others may hate you, but if you hate them back, you destroy yourself."  Of course it's largely a different situation, but I think the philosophy rings true across whatever situation.

My ex-boyfriend was cold, rude, and played head games with me at times.  Certainly part of me resents the behavior, but by "forgiving" him (not judging) I was finally able to transition it into the past where it properly belongs and move on.  I think that is the best gift I can give to myself.

Good Luck,
Gary
Poz since '89. 
Current regimen: Rescriptor, Emtriva, Kaletra, Invirase, Acyclovir, Lisinopril, Lipitor, Prilosec, Valium, Testim, Nandrolone, Loperamidr, Marinol.

Offline mecch

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2009, 08:27:37 AM »
Gary, thanks for the kind words, as well!
I happened to be online responded to the other comment.
Yes, what you say is what the chaplain at Mayo clinic describes - forgiveness is for the forgiver.

Maybe I can't forgive him because I can't forgive myself for letting myself get hurt?? I dunno, it starts to be too Al Franken "Stuart Smalley" self-help.  If its all about me, then I am both the victim and aggressor.  I victimised myself....  That kind of lets creeps and liars off the hook, doesn't it?  Can't a spade be called a spade?  My ex played with a loaded deck!

And I don't hate liars and frauds, I just want them exposed for what they are, and to avoid them.

« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 08:37:02 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bear60

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2009, 05:09:53 PM »
I just can't find the mechanism.  Maybe thats why I posted here. I find it really hard to forgive an injustice when nobody had judged the injustice, nobody knows about it. " quote MEECH
..........................................
I find the " releasing of a bird "or the " letting go of the rope"  to be the mechanisms that allow me to forgive people.  Throw the bird ( the anger with the ex) into the air and it flies off.  Whatever works for you.....find it.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline maddalfred

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2009, 08:29:42 AM »
"It seems that I have to forgive my ex for something but its taking me too long.  What is your experience with forgiveness? Can you give me advice? It is HIV-related..."

My two cents. Like you, I will never forget those who I feel have wronged me the most in my life and forgiveness can be very elusive. When it starts to consume me or take control of my thoughts and emotions I usually revert back to remembering the many times I have wronged others, comparing my own misdeeds to what was said or done to me. I remind myself that forgiving someone else is good for ME and it is a continuous process that must be practiced over and over on a continuing basis. That is just ME, I do not speak from any position of authority.

I also remind myself during these times that as bad as I would wish to, I cannot undo or take back my own misdeeds, but I strive to not repeat them. In my case, I do know that this issue is not HIV related since I have been struggling with it for a very long time. I deal with it as much as I can before putting it away each time it rears it's ugly head and remind myself of my past resolve to let go of it, that re-hashing it over and over only hurts me and that wishing others misfortune is not in the least a healthy way for me to go on.

I do hope you find the answers that will bring you peace and allow you the freedom to give yourself the gift of forgiveness, because in the end, in my experience, that is about all that can be done a great deal of the time. By dwelling on the past, I cannot move forward and it can become a vicious cycle, as well as life and energy consuming.  In my case, confrontation usually made the situation worse, but that is not to say that it would for you. I can only change me and how I deal with others and hope that others will afford me the same courtesy.

Here is my wish that you will find your answers, ones that are satisfying and comforting for you; they are not found "out here" but dwell within you.

I would dare quote a passage from what I consider to be one of the greatest writings of modern times, from Kahlil Gibran:

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
**********************************

Taken from the following url:

http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet8.html



Rex
<img src=http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj56/maddalfred1959/Me.jpg>

Offline rubyred2000

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2009, 05:48:26 AM »
I just had to reply to your post. I totally relate to the manipulation you feel you have been subject to. I am in a similar place. After years of emotional, psychological, physical, sexual abuse and manipulation from my x-bf. The emotional abuse and manipulation is the most painful and difficult to live with.
Sometime it is only after the relationship ends that you realise the extent this has been occurring. I feel the injustice. I was infected by my x who decided I was not worth telling about his status. Even after I accepted and forgave him for this he still continued to try to break me emotionally.

For me it has been important to find a few good friends who I can trust, and speak to about the whole thing. I had to do this for my own sanity, otherwise I would surely have had a breakdown. Unless you have been through this situation it is really hard to understand. I am a very assertive, happy-go-lucky person. I am strong minded and strong willed, however where this man was concerned I was totally brainwashed over a number of years. like you it started slowly and escalated.

As for keeping secrets for my x I choose not to anymore, although I choose who I speak to v.carefully. I owe him nothing. My loyalty to him nearly killed me, My motto is that "THE TRUTH SHALL SET ME FREE"

At the moment I have ups and downs and sway to being ok with the world and having a laugh to massive anger and resentment.

I know that I will get through it and that you too will do the same.   

Feel free to e.amil me privately if you like. my e.mail is shown on my profile
           

Offline Texan38

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2009, 01:00:42 PM »
I know how difficult it is to completely let go of an ex but sometimes, that just needs to be done. For 15 years I've had nothing but resentment and anger towards my ex for cheating on me and giving me HIV. I've kept people at a distance. I didn't want anyone to get close to me. I didn't want anyone to know me because the fear of completely trusting someone and having my heart broken again was something I told myself I would never ever go through again. Just recently, I've come to a point in my life where I've had to finally let go of the anger, let go of the resentment...let go of my past because 15 years is a lot of time wasted on someone who didn't care about me and I made myself live a sexually active yet lonely life. I now realize, I'm worth more than that. I'm learning to love myself and also giving myself the self respect I deserve...and all because I let go of my past completely.
I changed because I wanted to change. Living in anger and resentment is not a life to live.

Let go of the negativity in your life. The sooner you do, the better you'll feel.

Take Care.  :-*
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline mecch

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2009, 02:09:47 AM »
Many thanks for those who shared their experiences and those who gave me advice and support. By the way, a few of you are angry at ex in part because of the abuse and betrayal and transmission of HIV. Just want to make it clear that my ex did not give me HIV. He just used his own diagnosis to break the proverbial camel's back. Me being the camel. LOL.
Many thanks again for the support!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2009, 01:53:23 AM »
    Maybe I can't forgive him because I can't forgive myself for letting myself get hurt?? I dunno, it starts to be too Al Franken "Stuart Smalley" self-help.  If its all about me, then I am both the victim and aggressor.  I victimised myself....  That kind of lets creeps and liars off the hook, doesn't it?  Can't a spade be called a spade?  My ex played with a loaded deck!

What you describe above sounds like Byron Katie's philosophy. I find her fascinating and reading her books has helped me tremendously with my "forgiveness" issue (my partner gave me HIV, we have an open relationship but he was barebacking with others while I assumed he was using condoms outside of the relationship).

Her personal story is amazing, she not only talks the talk but walks the walk. It's easy to dismiss "self help," as a category because there have been so many people who are just not equipped to help others try their hand at it. I find her to be genuine, the real deal. Full of wisdom and insight.

Anyway, I really recommend you look into her work, she actually calls it "The Work." She has a website and several books. A great introduction to her is watching an online interview of her by Oprah.

LINK to Interview:

http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080811_oaf_oss_bkatie

Link to Katie's website:

www.thework.com   

Her books I recommend:

Loving What Is
I Need Your Love - Is That True?
A Thousand Names For Joy


« Last Edit: May 03, 2009, 01:08:31 PM by Inchlingblue »

Offline med forum

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2009, 07:54:35 PM »
I've recently read a book on forgiveness that outlines the fact that forgiveness is not about condoning what happened to you or even forgetting what happened to you....it's about coming to a place (even though it won't be easy) where the past does not "torture" you.
The book is called "Forgive for Good". I forgot what the name of the author is but it might be a Dr. Fred Luskin I believe. It helped me to see that forgiveness in a lot of ways is sort of misunderstood. I think we could all say that forgiveness means something different to each one of us but when it really comes down to it, it is a decision that we make.
My positive boyfriend cheated on me two years ago and although we have broken up, it is still sort of dificult for me to forgive. I know it is something I need to do but when you truly care for someone and then they shatter your trust, you can't just get over that over night.Forgiveness is definitely a process where you may stumble not once, but many times. Give yourself that chance.
Peace & health

Offline mecch

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2009, 02:48:36 PM »
Thank you so much for the link to Stanford psychologist Luskin's thinking about forgiveness.  He seems to do a lot of good work and its comforting that hes a respected academic, as well.  (at least for me)

http://www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm

He proposes 9 steps to forgiveness that are easy to understand and seem stright forward, if not so easy to accomplish, some are! 

      
1.    Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

This was one of the majorly destructive things about my past relation, the breakup and before, that my ex swore me to secrecy, blackmailed me with lies, and used lies to support the blackmail.
Finally just two months ago my shrink said I could tell some close friends what happened, even if it meant revealing my ex's seropositive status, normally a big no no. But that had been the weapon for the damage, so.  The telling was VERY constructive for me, even after almost 2 years it seems to lift some of the anger.  The reaction was mixed. Some mutual friends said well, that just proves how shitty and messy love can be. One or two got mad at me and said my telling about my feelings of the experience was a vengeance.

4.     Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

This one, number 4 is quite important because it means we must not rerun the past but rather understand the pain in the moment. 

One of the things that bugs the shit out of me today, 1.8 years later, is that during the traumatic manipulative period, i broke down, and failed two grad schoool courses. (Not to mention a few months later sero-covnerting as well!)   It took me over a year to get reaccepted into the program and successfully repeated the first one this winter.  And now I have to do the second.  Everytime I come home and have to work on this stuff, again, I get angry that I have to spend this time and money all over again.  And I do blame him for that.  For the total lack of honesty and respect to simply communicate and find the best solution for everyone. 

So the damage from 2 summers ago, I feel it now, too. 

6,  Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them

I have to give this up, had to give this up, but I can't completely. We have so many mutual friends and I wasn't ever able to tell many about the HIV-based blackmail and I don't want to sound like a bitter person generally.  BUt it still galls me that the ex took a big shit on me, just as I saw him do the  same to others, and nobody calls him accountable for such actions.  He's fun, a good-time gal, optimistic and and people like him.

A few years before we broke up, he totally pulled a shit on one of his other lovers, this time it was a secret one, broke all the rules they had and broke that guy's trust, all by way of inviting a trick to their pied a terre who put my ex to sleep and stole everything in the lover's apartment. 

My ex NEVER made good, never compensated, just disappeared, cause that story was with a guy from another country.  He actually told that guy the only way he could repay was to become a hustler! Outrageous displacement of responsibility!

But he's not disappeared in my orbit, because we have a long history together. AND same city, today, and same friends.

8.     Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  Forgiveness is about personal power.


I iknow in my heart this is true, I know its the only way.  So, no accountability? No shaming? No compensation?  It's hard to give up all that.  But I guess its the only way. 
« Last Edit: May 06, 2009, 03:14:52 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Joe K

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2009, 03:53:55 PM »
Yes, you can forgive, but not until you fully recognize all the emotions that you are experiencing.  I just posted about forgiving yourself for becoming poz, but my post can be altered to fit any situation where you feel you have been wronged.  What it does not discuss, however is the effect that domestic violence can have on a person and it is there, that I believe many of your answers exist.  You talk of being wronged and you seek vengeance, but that will do nothing, except to make you angry and bitter.  I believe that you need to address the issues, that you did not post, as that is where the truth begins.

I say this, because I am a survivor of domestic violence and my recovery really began, when I could honestly describe my ex, myself and the role that both of us played.  My goal was to come to a place of acceptance and to reverse the damage that years of abuse fostered.  However, none of that was possible, until I could honestly see my ex for what he was and was not.  What he was, was an abuser, who chose to abuse me.  During our relationship, I was the victim and enabler, as I thought my love for him would see us through the rough times.  What I could not see then, was that there was only one of us working on the relationship and that can never work.

Add to that the verbal, physical and psychological abuse and you can find your spirit can be crushed quite easily.  Then add in your personal feelings, toward your abuser and you wonder why you are so conflicted?  You are conflicted because you are not being honest with yourself, about who your ex is and what he did to you.  You my friend, need to become a survivor and when you can honest say and believe, that your ex is an ABUSER and he CHOSE to abuse you, I believe your need for vengeance will disappear and you will finally be able to forgive him and ultimately, yourself.

My ex proved to be crazy and dangerous and eventually he was jailed and faced very serious charges.  I used the justice system to keep me safe and to move him as far away from me as possible, both physically and mentally.  I forgave him long ago, because even without the legal justice, life itself will extract the ultimate revenge.  My ex is a deeply disturbed man, who threw away all that I offered and given his emotional unbalance, he will never have a meaningful relationship in his life.  His despicable behavior will haunt him for all his days, whereas I learned a great deal from the experience and I have never been happier.

I urge you to forget the revenge and work at seeing him as he truly is and being thankful that he is no longer part of your life.  I can understand your need to humiliate him and his lover, for all the hurt they caused you, but I hope you see, that by extracting revenge against them, you become just like them.  They are two men who think nothing of manipulating others and are unable to commit and be honest in a relationship, so they should be a perfect match.  I believe, that if you really work at it, you can finally see your ex for what he is and when you do, you will find yourself so grateful to be away from him, that his power over you will finally diminish and eventually disappear.

There is a reason they say that the truth shall set you free.  Once I saw Jeff, for the real monster that he was, all the rest became so much easier.  When I could admit who he was and how I contributed to a bad situation, and then forgave us both, is when my life resumed.  So the only question I have for you is: How much longer are you willing to let him control you?  Because right now, that is exactly what is happening.  I know you deserve better.  Don't you?
« Last Edit: May 11, 2009, 03:56:50 PM by killfoile »

Offline mjmel

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Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2009, 04:51:58 PM »
Here is the key--out of your own mouth/heart: "I know forgiveness is for me."

You get no acknowledgement from any prior wrong-doers.
You get no apologies.
You get to move on with a free heart.
And that you could do without looking back.

Mike

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Can't forget but can I forgive?
« Reply #15 on: June 28, 2009, 08:43:27 AM »
There is a reason they say that the truth shall set you free.  Once I saw Jeff, for the real monster that he was, all the rest became so much easier.  When I could admit who he was and how I contributed to a bad situation, and then forgave us both, is when my life resumed.  So the only question I have for you is: How much longer are you willing to let him control you?  Because right now, that is exactly what is happening.  I know you deserve better.  Don't you?

Just read your advice again and wanted to thank you again cause its very helpful.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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