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Author Topic: A short story about hiv and ME  (Read 3108 times)

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Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
A short story about hiv and ME
« on: January 13, 2009, 09:38:30 AM »
please forgive the convoluted thoughts that filled with pasion, frustration and aggravation.

Just wanted to share some experiences and see if any one feels these thoughts are not pointless.

So here

Let me see if I can put this into a condensed form that is not to full of holes and deletions but gives a general idea of the information and or help I seek ?

IN 1990 I belonged to a support group of HIV+ sponsored through the mental health and an AIDS charity and a shelter.

I had gotten my honorable discharge from the military in 1989 and had a physical from the military and the VA that had said I was healthy and no problems. I had also enrolled at a local University through the VA to try and become educated; to there for build a better life ?

Just before starting school I had donated blood at a blood drive at the post office after seeing the posters that said share your good health ?

Six months later the blood drive people contacted me and said my file had been lost and they had information they needed me to go to there office.

After graduating from the university I had gone to the supermarket after being told buy MY ID doc I had AIDS with thrush and shingles and lost both of my jobs I had been working to make ends meet do to health issues. This student from the university had run into me at the supermarket and we talked. I had tried to go back to the Alumni office to find this student to thank them for the conversation and explain my situation at that time. How my situation had changed and thank them for caring . The University administration officer I had spoken too had called security and the police and filed a trespassing complaint against me ?

They had sent me a letter saying they were going to fine me ten thousand dollars for trespassing or something? The police called me and came over to my home and sent me to the psych word for observation because they thought it was best ?? When I resisted the hospital security grabbed me around the neck forcing me to the ground and pumped me full of halidol or some similar sedative ? Now they want to be paid for HELPING ME ?

I had only wanted to contact a student I used to do home work with; that I saw at the supermarket while I had AIDS and was as close to dying without actually being dead as one can get. then after PI came out protease inhibitors I had wanted to thank that student for or conversation and tell them why I was so down and out . But as it seems  I may never have that chance. The supermarket incident was in the mid nineties the university incident was in 2001   

Now 2009  the university has a computer alumnist program for former students to keep in touch that they will not let me use cause this incident is in my file?

Should I seek a personal injury attorney or file a lawsuit for mental anguish and personal suffering brought on by these people HELPING ME

Now that I have the chance to live without fear of dying . the illnesses I have endured have left me without a life to live. I may be alive but am living without a life do to the effects our society illness is far worse then the illness AIDS has left me with ?


shingles thrush and other opportunistic infections caused by HIV were nothing compared to what convoluted conclusions so called sane people who miss use there authority and influence the true devastating  sickness in our existence. Far worse then any biological element. These are the walking talking illness we all have to deal with in our lives other PEOPLE .
 
Just hopping to make the best of life.

Thank You for any guidance in this situation

( an Email I had sent to a local AIDS group )

What do I want ? the chance to live ?

Our social disease in trying to save the world and protect ourselves against those people are far worse then any  physical illness.  From the view of one being thought by others to be the problem ?

I admit to not being the sharpest tool in the shed. I have my issues but being denied any life what so ever in the name of public safety ? To save others from me having the chance to share my thoughts. well that is far worse then any imagined HELL and Nightmare my mind can think of ?

Then again that is life and acceptance starts with me and there is nothing I can do. So that is what I will do nothing and be nothing for that is all I am ?

thank you for the chance to share a thought or too even if this does not change anything maybe some how some way others can learn they are not alone in this strugle HIV+ or not. the world has become a verry lonely place do to others trying to protect others from there own imagined fears and worries. Trying to save the world while not allowing life to be lived .


 for reading pleasure and amusement thoughts from a mentally ill veteran on life with HIV

EM



Life and living with HIV in the western world ?


The University had a movie showing about HIV and AIDS in Africa

I could not attend because the administration had warned me that if I tress pass on University grounds they will call the police and fine me another ten thousand ?

O well that is life ? is this something like a choice ?

GOD grant me the courage to over come the things I can change and help me to deal with the things I can not change ?

I guess this one is up in the air and that is were it will stay ?

I just wonder how much my so called mental illnesses are actually my doing or the reactions of others who try to think for me and tell me what I am thinking  ? Or try to put words into my mouth and then mix everything up ? then telling me the answer is I need drugs to deal with them ?

just venting frustration about how much I have lost not do too my illness but the illness of our society the real social diseas

thank you and all my best to you

EM

Should I edit this just to read >

I am frustrated with our society and more afraid of what others will do then what HIV might do to me or has already done in the more then twenty years that has already passed  ; two  decades plus  ?

so sorry for this not being as clear as I might have liked do to the frustration I feel and
 thank you for alowing me the opertunity to have the chance to vent this frustration rather then letting it eat at me and cause more harm then HIV could have ever done >

EM

 



« Last Edit: January 13, 2009, 10:27:26 AM by em »

Offline pozhealthy

  • Member
  • Posts: 116
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2009, 11:39:40 AM »
Em
its evident from you post that you are hurting right now. And I personally know how frustrating it can be to "tell your story" in a nice flowing form so that it makes sense to the people reading it.
Hemmingway we are not--:)
Do you have a case worker at an ASO?  I think you need to make a visit ASAP and get seen right away.
Hugs.

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2009, 12:54:05 PM »
EM, nice to see you again.  I am truly sorry that you are having these horrible thoughts, but plase don't be a stranger anymore.  We've missed you.

I really can't think of a thing to say to get rid of some of your pain, but to be sure, you are certainly welcome to place your thoughts here, no matter how disconnected they might appear to us. 

Welcome back.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2009, 01:14:03 PM »
An analogy of our life and times ; a metaphor of life in our society ?

A person is drowning and a large group of people on the shore throw rocks at them. The person gets filled with adrenalin from the anger and swims ashore. the group of people expecting him to be gratefull and thank them for there help get angry when this person does not respond  in the manor to which  they expect. So intern for this persons ungatefull  behavior  they then beat him to death for not being thankfull for the help they had received ???

Life and times in our society; how we deal with mental illness.

sorry the above post was a rough draft posted before I lost my nerve .

should I post another version more ordered and less repetive ?

I had only wanted to stress frustration,  anger,  dispiontment and confusion

condensed version only telling the story.

I had developed AIDS after graduating from a unversity, while thinking about hos I was goin to get by on the forty dolars in my pocket to eat not having a job or any other priospects a freind had walked up on me and said with a smile . Hi ( my name here ) how are you .

I had said a bit frustrated at living in a place with so much wealth? they had said the sadest part of all is that you are the wealthiest person in the world were it counts and you do not even see it . Then turned and walked away for what I had thought would be the last time our I would ever see this person for if AIDS did not kill me not having any money for food surely would .

Well that was 15 years ago.  then 8 years ago  Itried to find this person to thank them. was told the university was not a dating service and was arrested for tresspassing ?

So maybe through the internet grape vine  or just to ease my frustration I should say here to a group of people I have never sen with my own eyes what I would have said to this person I used to do home work with while studying.

Thank you for caring and so sorry I did not have more faith in myself and our society that I would pull thru. hey I am not dead yet maybe some day the university might let me use the alumni conectioon sight on the internet to say hello to this freind and thank them. maybe in another twenty years I just might live that long time will tell and future is not known I will keep faith and hope. If it does not happen well at least I had wanted to be thankfull even if everyone els tried to think for me and thought the worst while I was trying to just be .

so in the mean time . I just wanted somone to know how I felt and wanted to do even if I never do and everyone lined up to keep from  doing anything. Cause that is in the best interest of our society to keep people from doing anything ?

 

EM


HI Moffie aka ( Tim) I have been reading your stuff for quite a long while here. thank you for your response and sorry if frustration has left me unfocused onthe issue I am trying to reconcille .

I had contacted my local aids suport organization and they said  Ishould contact legal services to discuss this with them ?


 



« Last Edit: January 13, 2009, 01:19:19 PM by em »

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2009, 03:57:32 PM »
EM I don't care how your posts come out on here, we don't really care about syntax, or vocabulary or anything else you place here.  Thankfully you are comfortable typing it all out.

I agree with your ASO, because they told you to contact legal services and they are right.  Also, the VA isn't such a bad place, depending on where you are in the country.  Anyway, please keep us posted and let us know what is going on in your life.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Lisa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,240
  • Formerly known as sweetieweasel/Joined Nov. 2004
    • http://www.myspace.com/lisanowak58
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2009, 05:37:28 PM »
Dear EM,
It is so good to see you again! I saw a post by you a couple of months ago, and couldn't tell if it was really you or not.
I'm Sweetieweasel, and used to really enjoy your posts in the old forums.
You went absent for such a long time, and I thought of you and wondered how you were doing.
I am absolutely tickled to see you again old friend.

I really must agree with you about the fact that sometimes I too feel like our real disease is other people.
Some days more than others!

Please don't be such a stranger(and don't worry about others, I understand you very well.

I know you have suffered some serious indignities, aggregious ones at that, but am glad to see you not let it get you down.
Love your spirit.
Kisses for  you, old friend.
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2009, 08:32:20 PM »
Hi Lisa I remember reading quite a few of your posts and am glad to hear from you

all my best to you .




This is more on the story as  I see it as close to the truth as truth will allow ?

Between 2001 and 1998 or so I had gone to the local music store the Rick Springstein song from the Tom Hanks movie  Philadelphia ( I had thought wow that guy had been a successful lawyer I could not even keep a minimum wage job )  running through my mind and the manager smiled at me and said hello how are you ? We had talked. I had said it reminds me of that song the day the music died and the girl at the music store had said the music just would not play? They smiled and looked confused I had said ya depression is my normal state of mind most of the time. Not how I want it to be just how it is I guess. They had said they had a conversation with someone they had new about me. In my HIV depression I had thought wow nothing good there . Being how I have been described as Mr Negative and no fun to be around ?  and they had mentioned they were getting married soon and I had wished them the best and went on my way.

Then later I had realized the person at the music store used to be the student teacher at the university who I had taken classes from and after they had graduated I had been chosen to take over there job. Teaching classes for a professor. I had gone back to the music store a while later and they had this very sad look on there face when they saw me . So I had mistakenly thought someone had told them about my HIV status and I just walked on.

Then when going over to the University after receiving a letter saying recommend a fellow alumnist for alumni social events coordinator. I had two people I had thought would be worth mentioning and thought maybe they at the alumni office could give my Email address to my friend so I could say thank you for the heart felt conversation when I needed it the most. When I mentioned the first persons name the three people in the office eyes glazed over and they stared foreword blankly. Then the person holding my form saw the second name and said O this one is still listed in alumni data files. Then this guy walked in and told me to come with him to his office. Were I had said I had wanted to know about contacting a student I used to do homework with. They had said they do not give out personal information. I had said how about giving my Email address to this person so they could contact me if they wish that is not giving out there information to me that is me asking for the chance to look up an old friend ?  I had mentioned there name . They had said yes that person ( was ) a very beautiful person. I had smiled thinking this person is right the words they spoke of are so true. They then said this university is not a dating service and security was standing behind me >>>>>>

I can only guess the past tense used to describe my friend  and the look on there faces in the alumni office and the look on the face of the music store manager.

If you have the intellect to reach POZ.com forums and are reading this then the events and the way they were handled. This friend must have met there demise and are no longer in the world of the living . Well at least that is what I must surmise from the way I had been treated. My HIV had caused  my own suffering and could have possible had unintentional side effect on someone else who cared about me and I had cared for them. I did not want them young and healthy and full of life watching me slowly being destroyed by this virus and did not want to run the risk of them catching my bug. So intern they may have become a victim of my not having the nerve to tell them about my virus fearing they would run away and never speak to me again. Instead they must of thought I did not care about them and wanted to be alone and depressed . Then again I may never know and this is something I have in my life's baggage to deal with .

Or they are married with many children and have a great job and do not need to be pestered or bothered by a loser like me.

Either way this story is just that a sad story about the one that got away ? HIV and AIDS does not only adversely effect if not almost destroy the person infected but has an adverse effect on those around them that care about them.

EM

As my Email box fils with junk mail and the rest of the world goes rushing by.


I am sorry I should have stuck to witting my thoughts in a note book and throwing it in the fire to keep warm at least then they would have been for something useful. Sorry I have not said anything about my own real life and well I just need to get focused on that and find some minor distraction to keep my mind sharp for when if it ever happens there becomes a purpose or a need for someone different like myself a niche or a need a place to be. Until then I must just be patient. I must seem quite crazy after twelve years of the only time I leave my residence is to go to the grocery store ones a week other then that I use as few resources as possible to conserve and minimize excesses.

believe me I could have typed pages of useless hard to follow thoughts that only prove how I must truly not be in a well state of mentall health just proving them right I need to no longer do this if I am going to be able to exist as a some what sane person ?

so thank you for reading notes from a mental patient on heart ache. Believe me I could make up lots of stories about the one that got away each one more heart wrenching then the last. I should just let the world alone and maybe if I am lucky they will do the same to me.

Thanks for mentioning Hemingway never did much care for his over emotional rants. I read a lot of his stuff my first thought was why so much drama dude ? ( just kidding and pulling your leg his stuff was great but his life how it ended not great) I should and do feel blessed with the life I have what little of it there is and for now I need to build a bridge and get over it. 

a short while after posting the first part of this every car that drove by my imagination thought they were some one coming to get me ( super paranoia) please pardon me if for a while I do not post and try to get my head back into my life and deal with my life as it is rather then how I wish it could have been might have been or if it were perfect these things might be type fantasies. I have aches and pains any person near half a century old with graying hair does HIV+ or not.

Thank you and GOD bless

EM 



« Last Edit: January 15, 2009, 11:13:02 PM by em »

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,649
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2009, 10:59:48 PM »

hi em.

It's so good to hear from you again.  We've missed you.  We worry about you.  I hope you know that.

Quote
Either way this story is just that a sad story about the one that got away ? HIV and AIDS does not only adversely effect if not almost destroy the person infected but has an adverse effect on those around them that care about them

Please know that you do not have an adverse effect on those of us here.  We are your friends and we care about you.  And we feel so much better when we hear from you because we know you are alive and healthy.  What more can we ask from a friend?

robert
..........

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: A short story about hiv and ME
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2009, 07:33:46 AM »
I was goin to delete some of the stuff or change it but that option is no longer there ?



I had allot more to add about mental illness and great opportunities missed due too HIV  but thought best to explain the last comments I thought maybe if this were read by someone from the university I had attended they might feel I had learned my lesson and let me use the computer and even be part of the university again ( no chance of that but thought hope and faith might be enough to change there thoughts after all it has been almost ten years ) Not goin to happen ?

I wanted to play it down about my not having mentall illness. I should have went IVY league . Instead I chose a university close to wear I was living do not settle go for the best if you can and the best is well the best .
All the rest are not ?

EM

 


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