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Author Topic: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.  (Read 1713 times)

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Offline chips

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I had been seeing this guy (Jamie not his name) for awhile. I was so adamant about condoms. I had been in a long term relationship where we did not use them and my boyfriend cheated and I caught CMV off him. we split up and so have been really careful.

However Jamie would try it on by putting me inside him. At first I pushed him off, but after a a few weeks of him doing this I fucked him without a condom and I think he did me I really can't remember. Felt really bad and we used condoms since then. He assured me that he was -ve showed me results however I know that this is worthless and insisted we use condoms. a few issues arose and I did not see him again his pressure to do it BB a big part of it.

 A week later I had sex with a friend John. We were so smashed and he did the same thing to me. I protested but caved I can remember very mixed feelings. He had only a few partners in his life as he had split with his wife. I thought I would be ok but I was really concerned about my status.  One time I had it flash in my mind that I was giving him HIV. The next day I felt really bad about what happened. He then confessed it was not the first time he had done it BB. John had only had sex with a few guys before me. He had left his wife and was starting a new life where he was just becoming happy and ok with himself

Our friendship ended however as he chose casual sex over things we had arranged to do. The last straw after similar events was when our group planned to go to a play and I paid for the tickets and he pulled out saying he had a root. I told him he was a shit friend and really had to look at himself, he did not make contact after that. It was a shame as I really cared about him. We had been like brothers and I helped him deal with alot. Met his family and been a part of his life. I loved his boys. So when he did not return my text message I was crushed.

This all happened in Sept. Well a few days ago John rings and tells me he is HIV + and is adamant I gave it to him. He said that he did not blame me but I could tell he was angry and did. I told him that I was fine that I had my last test in Nov -ve. I know now though that this was in a window period and it is possible that I could have become HIV + in sept. Sex with John happened afew days after sex with Jamie. both times we did not cum in one another, and I understand that pre cum contains HIV so the risk is still high. 

I look back and remember Jamie sweating profusely and in Nov I was in hospital with severe food poisoning causing a bowel obstruction as my bowels just decided not to work. hence the HIV test. I think I had some rash and some night sweats myself, but can't be certain as I often have allergies and the flu in winter. I rang Jamie and told him to get tested. His last last test was --ve in OCT

So I went and got tested on Monday and have to wait to get my results back next Monday. I am really scared. John has not reacted well and talks about death in a few years. I have been supporting him informing him of information and where to get help. Today he sounded better after going to a clinic.
I really feel for him and his family it took alot for him to leave his wife and to be diagnosed with HIV less than 2 years after coming out is  horrible. I really think I gave him HIV.

I know that I have to wait for my results and should not worry but I am alone. I was forced to resign from my job after continual harassment I ve been sick for ages with this bowel problem and stressed out of my mind about my future and now this. I try not to worry but I live alone have very few friends. One friend I do have Karl has HIV he was diagnosed just a year ago. He is so supportive but I feel I can't burden him as I feel he is relieving his diagnosis which sent him to a mental health facility.
I am so glad he told me about this forum. Just the act of writing this is making me feel better.

I would feel so bad if I gave John HIV. I don't know if I have the courage to tell him if I do turn out to be + I could not bear to think what his ex wife and kids will think of me. I don't think I could deal with his anger either. So fingers crossed for me for Monday unfortunately I really think I am +ve.

Thank you for letting me tell my story.

Offline Ann

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Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2009, 10:02:37 AM »
Chips,

If this John guy has been BBing with others, there's really no telling where he got infected.

You need to test at three months past your last incident of unprotected intercourse for a conclusive negative result.

You also need to start insisting on condoms, because if you're not already positive, you will be if you keep BBing.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex with a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Good luck with the test. I hope it's negative and I hope you wise up.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline chips

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Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2009, 11:45:15 PM »
Ann you sound tired, and I may have misunderstood the intention of your response.

It is not just a matter of wisening up but finding the self esteem to be able to stand up for what I want as I was aware of all the facts you presented. I did not want to BB,  I was fully aware that BB is consenting to the possibility of STI and HIV. This is what makes it so hard for me. This was going on in my head when I was doing it and I wanted to stop. I did but really too late it might seem.

I ve been abused so often in my life starting from an early age, and had done so much to improve my self esteem to prevent things like this from happening. It surprised me that I consented to BB as I had pushed others off and made it really clear that it was unacceptable What I say next is an excuse I know and does not change the outcome but,  I was tired of fighting, drunk and really liked these guys,and shocked that they did this after all the discussions I have had about safe sex.

The pressure out there to not use them is so great

I have fought guys off of me who had tried to fuck me without condoms (when I have made it clear I wanted to use them), guys who would sit on me, to guys slipping them off and continuing thinking I would not notice. I have had a so called friend rape me without a condom so have fought and fought. And hate that I gave in, makes it hard for me. but am trying to use the experience as a lesson.

 I have read some of your previous posts you contribute so much . I was surprised and feel hurt by your response I needed to feel understood not lectured and would have liked you to have shown me some empathy by acknowledging my fear and hurt than factual hard advice restating things I knew and things I had said in my post (window period, how to use condoms correctly? etc). maybe I wrote in the wrong forum topic

I disagree totally with not using condoms in a monogamous relationship no matter how secure you might think it is.There is a high percentage of new infections because of couples deciding not to. As I have discovered it is just that one time, drunk what ever that you let your guard slip or you wake up not even knowing what you have done. Trust is an unsafe practice and your statement of consenting to STI s by not wearing condoms is as equally true as many a trusting partner can attest to who now has HIV. The realities of life and the frailty of us all make it difficult to adhere this and to see things so straightforwardly, so acknowledging peoples pain and forgiveness for these frailties is so important.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2009, 11:48:30 PM by chips »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2009, 03:25:24 AM »
If you came here wanting sympathy, you came to the wrong place. The only thing we can tell you is to test, collect your result and go from there. You knew by not using condoms you could be at risk of contracting not only HIV but also other STDs. You were the one that put yourself at risk so take the blame.

Offline Ann

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Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2009, 11:23:12 AM »
Chips,

I suppose I am tired. I'm tired of seeing new people posting in the I Just Tested Poz forum because they didn't use condoms. We seem to be losing ground faster than we're gaining it on the prevention front.

I fully understand about the self-esteem issues - that's how I ended up hiv positive myself. I didn't insist on condoms when I knew my partner was having sex with other people. I thought the worst he could bring home to me was chlamydia. Yes, I'm one of those stupid heterosexuals who thought I didn't need to worry about hiv.

I wised up, as I hope you will. I didn't mean that in a nasty way, it came from the heart. I just hope YOU wise up BEFORE you become infected, not AFTER like me.

I sincerly hope that your all-too-human mistake doesn't end up in a positive test result. If you are lucky and test negative, please PLEASE work on your self-esteem issues so this doesn't happen again. It may be worth finding a gay-friendly therapist to work through these issues with. It could save you from a life with an unwanted guest in your body.

Keep us posted.

Ann


Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline chips

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Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2009, 12:18:11 PM »
thanks Ann I think this will be my last post. as  RapidRod's blunt response gives me no hope of finding any type of compassion and empathy which is what I thought this forum was about.  seriously I pour my heart out and you want to heap even more guilt and shame I take the "blame" I am aware of my consequences so no compassion is to be expected from this forum.. That is hard core. Thanks for making me feel even more alone than what I have been.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: ex friend says I gave him HIV he has kids am scared waiting for results.
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2009, 04:44:54 PM »
Chips,

It's totally up to your whether you post here again or not. Keep in mind that there are many members here, not just the one. This place is what you make of it - although in this section of the forums, we tend to stick to the basic facts of testing and transmission rather than delve into social/emotional issues.

Again, good luck on the test. Keep us posted.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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