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Author Topic: Questions in the form of a story...  (Read 2575 times)

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bleueyes

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Questions in the form of a story...
« on: January 03, 2009, 06:01:11 PM »
I have been asked if I am just using this site as a blog. I have also been asked to be more clear. Well I like coming online and talking to others with the same virus I have. I like being heard.
I am also not very good with making a connection to other people. This is my attempt.
I do notice discussions go on here, but I am obviously not informative or experienced enough about what people on here go through.
I tried sites for mothers, and all sorts of sites, only to be told that I need to go to an HIV positive site.
Some people think I don't understand, but I do and have learned there are times to fight and sometimes it is just pleasant to give up.
On this site though I write more than I speak to anyone in my life. People who knew me want to know what I am thinking about because I used to be a talker as a kid.
I got tired of trying! And honestly, I feel I deserve better than a family who tries to impress my sisters and tells me to shut up when I wanted to tell anyone of what I learned in school.
So it just ends up in my life that when I give up, the same old people come around, but I do not like them. If they did not want to listen then; then why should I need them now?
I moved away to another state, and everyone who disliked me for talking too much wants to come visit. Maybe it's because it is the entertainment capital of the world?
So here I sit, people wanting a piece of my life, and me feeling lonely because I was told to shut up and now I am reminded of what they have done for me.
All I know is I told my family one day I would go away. And the time came and they want to visit, so I refuse to budge.
I came to this line to find people to talk too. Safe people, sober people, nice people, honest people and people who need no money from me. It seems I can't find people like this.
I know no one is perfect, but is there a place for me??? When I ask this maybe I need to be more interested in improving my social skills, studying, and my health.

Offline vivyt

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  • Posts: 546
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2009, 06:54:22 PM »
I think it is good that you are here. The ladies are wonderful and have really helped me a lot. This is like a converstation...back and forth. Maybe that would help. Just take some time to get to know some of the ladies here.

Now, you mentioned "the entertainment capital of the world". Are you in Los Angeles? I live in Orange County, CA.

I look forward to getting to know you.

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,975
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2009, 10:52:44 PM »
Bleu,

The problem I have is that you seem to waver in what you say about different situations.  In your past posts, you praise your family and talk about how well you get along with your mum.  The thing is, you can't have it both ways.  Either the man you're living with is your husband or your ex.  You've mentioned being with both, husband and ex-husband, so I don't really know who you're talking about.  And you're talking bad about your family, not getting along with them, when in previous posts, as I've mentioned you talk about how much you love them.  Do you see what I mean?

People who tell stories will eventually get called on it.  Maybe that's not what you're doing, but to me it seems that you want people to feel sorry for you, so you say how good some people are, then how bad they are.  My apologies if I'm wrong.  I would just like you to clear the air.  Thanks in advance.
  Luv,
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Veritee

  • Member
  • Posts: 180
    • Post Natal Illness Support
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2009, 04:36:53 AM »
I am quite new here in that I have only been coming to here since about March/April 2008 and I have recently had a break as I had stuff I needed to sort out for myself. So I do not always know what  sorts of posts are OK on here and what are not.

Of course there is a place for you here as far as I am concerned anyway. I would imagine there is a place here for anyone HIV Poz who wants to be here?

Perhaps if at first - until we got to know you and your concerns - you addressed specific issues you face and asked others opinions on how to deal with them or how they deal with them?

However you are very welcome here as far as I am concerned and hope you keep coming on here to talk to us.

But I will say that I often do not know what, if anything, to reply to your posts.

This is partly because I do not always understand what you are saying. This might be because I live in the UK and some of the references you make or descriptions of life I do not understand perhaps, and maybe because I live in a very different culture. We may talk the same language but Britain is much different in culture from the US than I think is always realized.

but anyway  - I shall continue to read your posts and try to understand what you are saying and what response you want.

But I wanted to make a suggestion:

I am a bit of a rambler and story teller myself and when I write on forums I can go off the subject and tend too often to go off on a story of my own or reminisce about my life - which does not interact with other people who may be reading what I say on here. So I am working on this but one of the things I did to mitigate/deal with this was to start a blog.


I have not written on it recently and know I should again as it is a place where I can tell my stories of my life and ramble on as much as I need and change my opinions and feelings about issues and situations as I work through them.

So my suggestion is perhaps you could get a blog too like me as well as coming on here??

But I am happy to continue to read and try to understand what you are saying and what response you are asking for - I may not reply  if I do not understand but I will read.

All the best to you and hope you feel better and more positive things soon

Veritee XX
« Last Edit: January 04, 2009, 05:04:10 AM by Veritee »
I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

bleueyes

  • Guest
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2009, 08:35:44 AM »
My ex-husband, we have no money to continue on as legal husband and wife, so we divorced for medical coverage sake.
So yes he is my ex-husband, but we are still married in our lives.
This is what my family has a problem with. Sometimes they are OK with it, then they think he is not taking responsibility for his family.
I pay bills and mostly so does he. My family is old fashioned and wants him to cover all the expenses.
I wanted my family's love, respect and support. I end up feeling alone.
I write about what is going on here so I don't sit and spew.
I seriously do not think anyone feels the same about anything everyday. In my life I am very scared, as I think what may happen tomorrow, we put everything we have into living. I had to send my daughter to my mother this year because she wants to finish this last year at the same school. And my mother tries to scam us for money every chance, 5 dollars for a lunch calendar every month, I called the school and found out we could get it online and print it. Again for a book fair, I sent 30.00 with 30.00 for school lunches. I recieved a bill for school lunches and there wasn't a book fair for another month.
Now I do her lunches through an online account.
My daughter comes back periodically on her weekends or vacations. I miss her terribly and have no ideas of how to entertain myself.
I have become this person who has memorized so many recipes in the past three months almost.
My daughter is coming home for her birthday this coming weekend. I haven't seen my daughter since Thanksgiving.
Yet today I got a new coat and I don't feel I deserve it. I feel like a neglectful mother. I tell myself that I pay her lunch account and email her teacher once a week. I call her once a day.
I feel torn between what is right. 
During the past four years of my life I had to turn a blind eye to so much that it is almost breaking me apart. The worst part is I have a mistake on record. And I have seven months to go before I can expunge and be free of what is holding me back from getting a good job. I can not even vote. If I make it these next seven months all my rights will be restored back to me.
And right now I am having a hard time being romantic with my husabnd because I feel so terrible and wonder if it will ever be normal.
This is what's on my mind from day to day, and if I wanted pitty I would have come this clean in the first place!
As for my posts, I don't wish to injure someone; only to expunge my mistake to be able to live a life were my husband and I won't have to forclose on his home and I can marry him and not be on crappy insurance.
The one great point is I bought my daughter private insurance because the school tried starting an investigation as to how safe a child is around an HIV positive parent. The private insurance backed me on what I already knew to be true.
My daughter wasn't paying attention or doing work, but acing every test that comes her way. She is into is into looking up diseases on the internet. She thinks she will find a way to cure her father and I. It consumes her thoughts. So to get out of her head I allow her the mistakes and she is into helping out in the community, taking elderly person's dogs for walks, cleaning grafitti and feeding strays with her allowance.
Well she is with my mother I am missing out.
I am very afraid and although I can see the time when we will do well, I can also mess it up if I let someone get to me. I am trying my best and don't want to shut down.
So my point is I don't want pitty; just to be read. And I work at fixing things on a daily basis, infact I get on here as not to drive my husband crazy with my thoughts.
I have uncertainties and this comes from working on my life. And I am sure that this is probably a weakness for someone to attact me on, but I am sure life is about continuosly growing, learning and changing.
Which is a good thing because although it is six in the morningf and I should still be sleeping, I need to get back to finding a curriculumn, so I won't have to sweat homeschooling my daughter next school year. 
« Last Edit: January 05, 2009, 09:25:08 AM by bleueyes »

Offline BT65

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Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2009, 08:39:48 AM »
I seriously do not think anyone feels the same about anything everyday.

Usually when it comes to whether someone is happy with their family or not, then yes, people usually do feel the same way most days.  You wrote in an earlier post about how happy you were with your mum getting a new bed, about cooking things for your sister (apparently when you went to visit), about catching your ex chatting online with a tranny etc.  Then on the flip side, you write the exact opposite.  There's nothing in between.  It's like day and night. 

I don't consider myself the "Queen B," but if you do, all the better I suppose.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

bleueyes

  • Guest
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2009, 09:37:07 AM »
I tried explaining to you, and if you want attention that's fine! It seems you need to be right, so you're right...? And as for assuming... well you know what they say. And I find it hard to believe you never get angry at family!!!! 
Have a good morning???

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,975
Re: Questions in the form of a story...
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2009, 12:07:07 PM »
I've had trouble with family, but I usually don't plaster it on a forum and try to run them into the ground, while getting on the pity pot.  I'm not saying your problems with your family aren't real, but it just seems you go to extremes, one moment totally loving them, one moment them being horrible people.  Extremes don't just happen.

Are you in recovery or not?  As I mentioned before, working the 12 steps with a sponsor (or a therapist) is a good way to get rid of garbage, while examining your part in things.  I truly wish the best for you.

Edited to add:  If your problem is truly low self-esteem, then you need to seek out a good therapist.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2009, 12:20:46 PM by BT65 »
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

 


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