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Author Topic: Need to vent...  (Read 2788 times)

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bleueyes

  • Guest
Need to vent...
« on: December 21, 2008, 11:01:38 AM »
I would like some advice from some mature women.  What I need to know is how can I get a good start to changing the direction my life is headed in.  I don't want to run away, but well maybe I should just say I am completely stupid. 
I don't have a college degree. And maybe I need something to get into, as a career or something I can start doing to take care of myself. 
I am with a man who is positive and sometimes I think I expect too much of him.  I don't make any money, I cook and clean.  I currently receive assistance because of these dizzy spells and passing out at work.  I have been getting really sick.  And I just about have the energy to cook, clean and care for my daughter, husband and two dogs. 
And sometimes I get so fustrated I can not think straight.  Sometimes I get just plain scared.  Life is a huge responsibility and I blamed my family for so much.  Yeah... they have been wrong, but I feel it is time to forgive, I mean I am just so tired and want a change.  It seems soem people in my life want me to remember what they have done to me. 
Yet on the other hand my mother will remind me of the mistakes I have made and my father asks, " Do you think you're a good person?"  I have paid off some bills, so I decided to use this money to buy private insurance for my daughter.  She needs to be taken care of better than the county could do for her.  Certain dental needs were not covered by the county assistance.
And the guy I am with now helps me alot, but tonight it really hurt my feelings that he asked me to stop smothering him!  I was hugging him and had my leg over him.  Yeah he gets really hot with his night sweats too.
I am hurt and now that I type this it may be my fault for feeling this way.  I don't know???  He tells me if I am not happy I can walk out the door anytime I want.  That there is nothing holding me back. 
My parents sent me a check for one hundred dollars, and my husband has enough money, but I guess my parents feel they needed to send this money.
I am going to send it back to my parents.  I am going to send it back telling them both thank you, but my husband takes care of me and I don't really need the help with money.  My family does not want to hear me talk, they were always the type to drink, party, have porn parties with co-workers and relativews, and all while telling us kids to get back into bed on a school night.  And almost every night.  Now they have slowed down alot, but can not stand it when there kids want a heart to heart talk!!! 
My parents have told us all their dirt on each other when upset at each other and I feel when I was twelve this was too much to hear of my one parent in a hotel cheating from my other parent.  Now they say none of this happened!!!
My two younger sisters came after my father stopped drinking from cerosis of the liver.  So they aren't aware of what my older sister and I are aware of.  In fact my little sisters are told told we hate the family and we're both sluts.
I guess after writing this, I should give the money back and explain to my parents that my husband cares for me and I care for him. 
This is why my husband could not sleep and he is so smothered by me.  He risks that his family will not talk to him, and here I am excepting money from people who have hurt me, when he has helped me so much. 
Do I deserve this guy?  I want him to love me, and I think he does.  My daughter gets along with him so well.  She has never liked my girl friends I had since high school even.  I caught my daughter telling her friends, "He's my Dad."  Her father passed away.  She is negative and my husband is the only man she knows from a toddler. 
I guess my point is here that I can not except who my parents are today when I know who they have been as I was a little girl.  At times my parents revert back to them selves around me when my two younger sisters aren't around.  I can't play the game, it is disturbing to me. 
« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 11:12:49 AM by bleueyes »

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2008, 11:32:33 AM »
Hi Bleueyes-
First thing you need to do is stop is calling yourself completely stupid.  Your not.  You might do things that are stupid but you, yourself are not stupid.
I went to college for an associates degree and only used what I learned for a short while, as far as a job is concerned.  Find something that you enjoy doing and put your all into it.  If you don't know something, ask someone who does or figure it out yourself.
I don't understand why you have to send the money back.  It is the holidays, maybe that is their way of giving you a gift or whatever.  It should have nothing to do with your husband and how he provides.
Have you tried talking to a therapist?  Maybe they could help you to work things out?
Good luck,
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2008, 03:51:21 PM »
Hello Bleueyes,

A couple of quick lines here while taking a break from chores...First, flash forward 26 years, would you want your daughter to return a gift of money if you sent one? Whether you had a great relationship or a not-so-great relationship?

Accept the money, graciously. And write a note telling them what you did with it--whether you spent it on your daughter, yourself, all of you, or banked it. You'll make them feel good a second time. Okay?

Second, you're going to make more progress faster if you do as Snowangel suggests...get some counseling. There's nothing like help getting over past hurts, baggage, self-esteem issues and more. And, I've little doubt your sisters would benefit if they were to get counseling. Sounds as if you were exposed to many things at a young age. Tough setting. Eventually, you'll have to forgive them, accept them and learn to create boundaries---particularly when they want to act as they once did when your sisters aren't around. Tell them you'll leave if they must conduct themselves that way. I suspect they'll stop.

As to education, I'm a big proponent of going for whatever education you can get whenever you can get. Whether you're at a community college or university, whether you're 20 or 60, stimulating the mind is a great thing. Reading and educational television are economical ways of adding to your store of knowledge. Are you near a library?

It sounds as if you want to work outside the home, but your body is holding you back. Have you talked with your doctor about his long-term assessment? Are you doing all you can to build your stamina, work on balance issues, etc? If you can't work, it sounds as if you're doing a nice job of making a home and there's nothing wrong with that big job! Most of us were raised by women who did it full-time, made great meals, laundered AND mended AND ironed our clothes, helped us with homework and more.

I wish you a good holiday season.

Em

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2008, 05:06:40 PM »
Who gives a shit what your parents did in the past.

Take the money and run!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline keepingfaith

  • Member
  • Posts: 168
  • Go Me!
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2008, 08:38:34 AM »
LOL @ Ann. I know I would!  ;D

Offline cjc

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  • Posts: 1,011
  • Sweet Girl
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2008, 08:45:00 AM »
Hello.  That was quite a post. I have a question. The money your parents sent you, will they expect something in return. You know, that "you owe me" stuff that some people do. Or is it a gift from the heart, no strings attached. If it was a gift from the heart, keep it and send them a nice thank-you note. If not, send it back.                        Also Em and Snow said something about counseling. I found it very helpful just to go talk to a counselor and get it all out. Not to have to edit  it to whomever I am talking to.    Hope things get better for you and you have a great Christmas .   Cristy

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,903
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2008, 09:06:06 AM »
I totally agree with Ann about taking the money, and not giving a shit what your parents have done.  I know that I, as a parent, did some not so good things when my daughter was growing up, especially when I was in active addiction.  And, if I'm not mistaken, you said you are in recovery also.  Have you not made mistakes?  Point is, we've all fucked up.  Your issues with your parents should be addressed with a counselor.  You're going to have to get over them if you want to move on.  I can't remember if you said you go to meetings (like NA/AA) or not, but if you do, then I'm sure you're aware of the 12 step process.

About your husband, I'm not a good consultant for such matters.  I think your daughter has every right to call him him "father."  My daughter's father passed away when she was five, and for awhile she called my 2nd ex "dad."  I didn't stop her, because I don't believe in stifling children.

As for the money, I would cash the check and keep the money.  Why not?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  I think with all you're going through right now, a counselor could really help.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

bleueyes

  • Guest
Re: Need to vent...
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2009, 10:56:26 AM »
As for the money I gave it to the Salvation Army. You know the man with the bell and hanging collection bucket. I felt pretty good about doing something unselfish. I wanted to make a right choice as to what is good and not upsetting to me.
I used to work at the Salvation Army by preparing meals on wheels, I did not run it, but I worked for  the woman who did. I am sure it will go to a needful family. I even helped pack the grocerie boxes.
My daughter use to go in some mornings before school and get hot cocoa, as I had to drop off and take her to school, then go back. 
Salvation Army does good things.
There are somethings I have done and despite it all I feel I have done nothing important. Why? I was making meals for people and I felt this was not important, but I was helping poeple eat. I never looked at it this way before.
I always thought I have no college education, well I am missing some credits. Always wanting to be one of the big people. What for?.. Because these are the only people, people like.
No matter what I do I am still HIV positive. This is the reason to my unhappiness. I can live with the disease, it's how people have thought of me. How lonely I felt. I thought no matter what they won't like me, when they know the truth.
As someone may have mentioned, she thought I was looking for pitty, no... I am looking for some I think self worth.

 


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