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Author Topic: How to Cope....  (Read 1268 times)

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Offline Tryin2bhappy

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
How to Cope....
« on: December 20, 2008, 11:41:25 PM »
I've been living with HIV for 6 years but I only acknowledge it and started taking my meds 2 years ago. The sad thing is I don't know where i contracted it from. I was in denial for 4 year.  I met a guy in 04 which I didn't tell that I was HIV positive, we were having sex unprotected. We've been together for 4 and half years . Well down the line he found out because I told him and he decided to stay with me. He did went and got test and his results was neg. Were not together at this time because of other problems into the relationship. He always claims he luvs me but when he don't get his way with me he trys to threaten me and says's that he will call my job and tell them I'm sick. I to the point now I don't care and tells him to do it but he doesn't because in his heart he just want to hurt me because I don't want to be with him right now.

The reason is for that goes....
I'm 27 yrs of age and my self confidence and self worth is down. I don't feel anything for my self and it's because I'm HIV positive and I'm ashamed.  I beat my self up everyday and degrade my self because of the situation I'm a statistic, I basically hate my self now.  When my coworkers do talk about people with HIV/AIDS it get my upset with the things they be saying and the stereotype. I try searching online to find some support groups or places that I can go and talk to see how there dealing with it everyday and I can't find anything. The area I live in don't have no information as to where you can go and get support. They do have CAP (Comprehensive Aids Program) but that place sucks. No help or support I've tried. I'm to the point now I'm just ready to gave up....I have no friends in the area that I can trust and tell them my situation without worrying. The one friend I do have is not in the same state with me.  I'm worried because will I ever be able to get married and have a family? Will I ever be happy after this? I thought I was getting better but as I see It's just getting worst.  :'(..  I'm lost and  I'm not sure where I want to go in life and what I want to do. (This HIV thing is messing with my mind and goals, it's controlling my life). The things that I'm doing in life is because of my sickness, going out of my way to do things even though I don't want to do it. I'm basically codependent at the age of 27, which is not right. I'm out shopping making sure I look good because of my sickness but that's not helping because I do have to go back home to an empty house alone. I want my confidence back.... I want my confidence back so bad, I want to stop crying myself to sleep and stop beating up myself everyday. What is there to do . When will I be able to come over the fear of people finding out I'm HIV positive? I do want to let people know but I'm just ashamed of the reaction. I'm a person that cares about what people thinks about me and I think that's the start of the problem

Advice anyone....

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,893
Re: How to Cope....
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2008, 12:33:52 AM »
Hey there,

When you feel trapped it's hard to see that there's still light at the end of the tunnel. Cliche, I know, but you just need to find ways to get back on your feet.

You didn't say that in your post but I assume that health-wise you're doing ok with the meds? I would think it's the most important thing for all of us - if the meds are keeping you healthy, there shouldn't be any reasons why this virus should overtake your life. The first step to gain confidence back is to realize that you're still in control of your life.

The pressure of being found out will always be with us - in a perfect world we shouldn't have to hide it, for it's just a virus, but the stigma is still strong so we know that there's need to protect ourselves. Then again if we shouldn't let fear dictating our every moves - I mean, in everyday life, why would those people ever find out? This fear is often just self-perpetrating - it doesn't need to be there in the first place.

Lets do it step by step. Don't bundle all the issues you are facing now together.. break them into smaller ones and start working on them one by one.

I am assuming from your writing that you're a woman; if I am right the ladies here have their own "Positive Women" forum, where you will find many that can share your feelings. If you're comfortable sharing your (even approximate) location I am sure some of us can help finding some good and nearby support groups for you.

Hugs and Happy Holidays to you, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,413
Re: How to Cope....
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2008, 10:45:38 AM »
Hi Tryin-
You should definately join us in the women's forum, it might make you feel a little better to have other women to talk too on-line at least. I think of lot of us have had or might still have some of the same feelings you are having.
Are you working?  Have any hobbies?  Are there any organizations you can volunteer for in your area.  Speaking from experience, it helps to get your mind off of your own problems when you can help other people.
When you have a few more posts, I think you need a certain number,  you can be PM me and I would be happy to talk to you!
It will get better :)
Snow
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: How to Cope....
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2008, 08:13:26 PM »
You can get through this. You can  actually control your hiv, as opposed to the opposite. I've had it now for 25 years, and I'm so tired of all of the worries, a few you have mentioned, I just say #uck it all, and I just live my life. I could give a rats ass what anyone th. I came to that conclusion years ago. Work on that, maybe you will start feeling better. I hope you keep fighting-it is a fight more then anything else.
Best of luck to you!!!
Jeff
Positive since 1985

Offline Tryin2bhappy

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: How to Cope....
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2008, 12:57:25 PM »
Thanks everyone for giving me advice and hope that things will get better. I do believe things will get better with time and also with joining this forum I see that this is a good place for me to come and chat with different positive people who's going thru the same situation as me. My numbers are good my TCell is 538 and my viral load is undetectable. My health is good and I've been fine ever since. I have never been sick or had any strange symptoms or things going on with my body. So I would say I'm one of the lucky ones that don't deal with the symptoms or the sickness that most people gets. Snow, thanks again I will be looking forward to be speaking with you. I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work or something to get my mind off of stuff but I haven't had the time. I gets that I'm depress about the situation. But I am starting to feel a Lil better after being online and reading the different  topics and story's.

Thanks
Dee 

 


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