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Author Topic: have i failed?  (Read 2264 times)

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Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
have i failed?
« on: November 03, 2008, 05:34:23 AM »
i know a boy. he needed some help. i helped the boy. then i helped myself. it wasn't my fault, he was hot and he needed some comfort. i was vulnerable, he was vulnerable, and we exploited each others' weaknesses.

but it got worse in a short amount of time. after i left him in a better place then he was when we last met i cried. why? i dunno, cause i couldn't do more to make it better. cause a part of me missed him and still misses him.

so he calls tonight, i run out to save him and help myself again. but the boy is smart, or needy. and he deceives me. so i take him to his friend's house - someone else who is needy. my friend starts crying, talking about his other needs and how its hard to fill the void. i relate and ask him to stay with me, with or without my needs being met. i give him other options, a temporary way out of the situation his life has created. a fucked situation at best. a situation that is definitely not enviable and dire at best. i understand but do not relate. i cannot make him stay with me but i can't stand to see him leave. i plead with him to stay. he leaves to go have his needs met or effectively ignored. i realize i need him for a minute longer but he is already gone. he was in such a hurry to get away from himself he left his shit in my car. im happy ill see him again.

i drive home. i start crying again. its not fair. why did this happen to me. why did this happen to him. i almost slept with someone yesterday, definitely slept with someone thursday and will possibly be sleeping with someone else later tonight. in the interim, he was my shelter. i wish he would have stayed. i care about him more than i want to admit to. he is also the person ive had the most sex with in my life. its unfortunate, we've only hung out a week.

its okay, i guess. hes fucking someone else right now to escape. im waiting for him to call so i can pick him up. i know i cant fix him and i feel helpless. i confessed many things to him tonight so that he wouldnt feel alone. but i couldnt promise id be there for him. instead, i got a tattoo. a tattoo on my heart for him, for the one before him, and the one after him. its kinda funny and shitty at the same time. i told him about what i really do late at night when im alone. he understood, i guess being me isnt something someone would envy.

he bitched about his girlfriend lying and how he didnt care about what the guys wanted him to do. i told him i didnt care if guys lie anymore, as long as they come back. for a moment we had a shared understanding. then he left. i asked him why he would leave when i would give him everything i could - that tomorrow he would still have to deal with the world and so would i. he answered my question and told me he loved me. then he left. he told me i couldnt have stopped him. i hate myself for believing him. i also hate how many others have left before him.

could i? i feel like there is something i could have done but i failed...again. i feel like between his tears and mine i could have made us better or safe. but can i change his mind? he lied to me so i would take him there. he had his mind made up for a while. i had my mind made up we would be fucking. i shouldnt see him any more.

he was trying to change his life around until some institution changed it for him. i was trying to change my life around but noticed no one cared. ill be fine tomorrow and i hope he will be too.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2008, 06:49:56 AM »
it's good you know he can't fix you.  but you're not broken like a toy model.  so maybe fixing ain't spot on.  but whatever it is, I hope you find a way through it. 

I don't remember how long you've been here, but you've always struck me as the good guy with a Cali-valley written accent.  I'm sure you'll find your way.  But it's probably not with him.

Chin up, good guy.  And don't forget to vote.

c

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2008, 07:01:37 PM »
thanks cliff.

yeah, you're right on many points. things are fine. ill have to post a pic of my new tatt! oh, and dude is at my pad right now. i picked him up from guys house this morning and he's been here recuping.

i will vote, i urge everyone else to do the same.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,259
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2008, 07:42:31 PM »
Let me get this straight...he cried, you let him in, he went out to fuck, you let him in again? What are you going to do when he has kittens?

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2008, 09:43:18 AM »
hello basquo,

well, when he has kittens i will have to get them milk! nah, its all good. he is a good person, he just had to exercise some demons. turns out i had some of my own to exercise.

things are improving. he is sleeping in the other room. i am dating two other people. he has a girlfriend. shit is kinda complicated. basically, we arent dating or romantically involved. we just kinda relieve each other.

the other day i was really worried about him. he pulled through, at least for now. and he trusts me because i was here for him. he did some shit that wasn't cool, but he did more  harm to himself than to me. more importantly, he was honest about what happened and took responsibility for his actions. it turns out he didnt lie to me, he just had ulterior motives. in his defense he did apologize about the whole situation the night i dropped him off at dude's house. 

he is a really awesome person for all he has been through. he has managed to hold on to his integrity and he will continue to strive to do the right thing even though life continually  throws us curve balls and sometimes our setbacks and pitfalls seem unbridgeable. we are doing the best we can. 

i guess i didnt completely fail. but i thought i did. believing i had no effect was horrible. watching (what i thought was) someone give up was unbearable. it turned out not to be so. but it was close enough and i have been too close to that fire and don't want to see anyone else close to me get burned. for now, things are better. i dont know how long he will be staying with me but i dont mind the company. beside, i trust him. after what went down with my last roommate and some other friends (sexual & non sexual) trust has been hard to come by.
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2008, 10:21:10 AM »
eeeeeeeeeek  he has a Girl friend  ??? I would have dropped him a long time ago, tell him to go be on the down-low with somebody else, I wouldn't even play that shit  ??? Str8 men are great eye-candy, but, I wouldn't touch one with a Twenty-foot-pole, way to messy, and too much baggage for me to even want to deal with  ??? you sound like a smart young man, so don't be a Victim, of that kinda bullshit  :o cuz  hunnie there ain't no future in it......you are number 1, look out for YOU, cuz your happiness is what really matters here  ;)
« Last Edit: November 04, 2008, 10:36:43 AM by denb45 »
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,526
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2008, 11:04:15 AM »
For me, posts like this are difficult to comment on, without injecting my own view of what I think the situation is, and how I would respond personally.  I also sense a lot of additional / background information that is alluded to you in your post, but to which I'm not privy.  That said, since I'm posting, I'm obviously going to provide some comments on what you have shared here.

I don't see that you have "failed" but I don't think the question is relevant or even productive -- and I'm not sure what the objective was to succeed or fail at.  You said it yourself when you say that we all do the best we can.  The question is: is this the best you can do?  Does the current situation with this boy make you want to continue being with him?  People don't change unless they want to.  You can offer them help, but you can't "make" them change. 

Chances are he'll continue to "leave" you, not even just sexually, but possibly emotionally, and physically.  You're enabling him to do so, at least by driving him where he wants to go, and I don't see how that can make you feel good (except in "martyr" sort of way).  Eventually you'll probably wind up feeling used, and that trust between you was broken -- just as has happened in the past.  I'd think you would feel better by letting him make his own choices -- and letting him find the means to follow through with them on his own -- and letting him endure the consequences or enjoy the rewards of doing so.

You speaking of "relieving" each other, which I assume means sexually, but from your post it sounds like this isn't purely sexual between the two of you.

A few comments directly on some of the things you've written:

Quote
he did apologize about the whole situation the night i dropped him off at dude's house.
Apologies are nice enough, but his future actions will tell you how sincere his apology is.

Quote
he has managed to hold on to his integrity
Not sure what you are referring to, but I don't see a lot of integrity in his actions.

Quote
hes fucking someone else right now to escape
You can only escape for so long.  Eventually you have to confront and resolve what you are running from.

Quote
shit is kinda complicated.
It doesn't have to be complicated.  You're making it more complicated by dating two other people while being involved with this boy.

Perhaps it comes down to this:  is this what you really want?  And, do you know what you want?

Regards,

Henry



"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2008, 01:17:40 PM »
hello henry & denb,

denb - you are SOO right about st8 men on the dlow. now, i do allow myself to get caught up in the bs. we will see what happens. my friend is bi, he has been with men for the last 8 years. he is also poz like me.

henry - thank you for your insight. i do want the boy to be around and i will admit i have developed feelings for him (not gushing love, more like a twitch in my cock when i think about him). i also understand that i may not see him until next year and ill be dropping him off in an hour or 2 to give live in another home/shelter. we cannot be together as a couple. it will not happen from his end or mine, that is definitely a pipe dream.

i probably will end up feeling used if he stops talking to me. our relationship is weird and problematic but it is not drastically so and it works for now. he is grateful for what i have done and does not ask me for much. i am grateful for what he has done and try not to ask him for much.

he makes his own choices. he has always made his own choices. and he takes responsibility for his actions. he does own up to his mistakes, more so than i do. and you are right, it isnt purely sexual, but it cannot be more than that at this time. i cant help it (and i dont want to), i crave his body. it feels good, it tastes good, it smells good, it looks good. he makes me hard all the time. ill be at work and ill pop a boner just thinking about our sex.

understand, i do have 2 dates set up this week with other people and i am not purposefully investing romantic time into my friend. i guess we kind of have an affinity but we both have different plans.

i agree with all of your comments, the majority are dead on. im not making this complicated by dating others, they were in the picture before the boy & myself started hanging out. the boy knows about the others, and the others can know about him. i will not lie to the people im dating or him. if one of the two wants to take it further than we will if the time is right. right now its at an elementary level with both of them and i hope things mature with one or the other. but, like in the past, most likely i will be single in 2 months. it is hard to synchronize our schedules because of work & school but we do what we can.

thank you both for you time and insight.
 

 
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2008, 01:49:42 PM »
Hey Next, if he stops talking to you, just take it as a lesson learned and don't repeat the same mistake twice.  That's what I try to do.  I'm not always perfect at it, but I try.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2008, 07:54:40 PM »
it's good you know he can't fix you.  but you're not broken like a toy model.  so maybe fixing ain't spot on.  but whatever it is, I hope you find a way through it. 

I don't remember how long you've been here, but you've always struck me as the good guy with a Cali-valley written accent.  I'm sure you'll find your way.  But it's probably not with him.

Chin up, good guy.  And don't forget to vote.

c

I agree with Cliff but, my guess is you are not from the valley but probably between Glendale and Burbank  ;D  Have the best day
Michael
(South Bay Beaches Cities)

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2008, 01:34:57 AM »
update

buckmark,  u sure were fucking right. ill be listening to you a lot closer next time. a lot closer.

he is still here, but he's not here now. i don't know where he is. things have gotten worse. we aren't having sex anymore. we aren't talking as much either.

things are worse because the drug use has become habitual. ive picked up habits and have been fucking off at work. he's back on as much as he can get. and what he can't afford he'll give his ass up for.

im having a hard time asking him to move out. i keep looking for reasons to believe. like, if he doesn't change all my hope in the world will fade. i know its all melodramatic but i need to believe. i also need him to leave.

he still doesnt lie to me. he just hurts me in other ways. i guess i kinda liked being caught up in the bs for a moment. but that gets old quick. he hasn't worked on himself like he's promised. whenever i get pissed at him or close to snapping he disappears. its like he needs to have someone think fucked up things about him to reflect how he feels about himself. im trying not to be that person. between the feelings of apathy and complacency i find myself wanting to run as far from him as possible.

and then there was that sti...
yeah, i got another one. got it taken care of also. another night at the bathhouse where he fucks those other tweakers. where i fuck (but do not use) the tweakers. i saw him getting fucked by 4 guys, before i went off and had sex with a number of people. that was the 2nd to last time we went there. i only go there to look for him when he goes on one. i call those special occasions weekends.

buckmark, i need him out of my life.

lil poz boy, i hate how fucked your life is but you are only making it worse. as much as i want to be there for you i have to ask you to leave. and leave quickly. and yes, i love you too, but i'd love you more from way over there.

best,
me
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2008, 02:19:10 AM »
I have strict baggage limits on my flight from here to there.  It sounds like your friend has more than a couple carry ons and one checked bag. 

Past that, sweetie, Halloween is next year, and I really recommend a different costume.  This one sounds like you are dressing up as a doormat and wondering why he is trying to wipe his feet on you. 

I would suggest having a matter of fact talk.  Chances are he will leave on his own and when you stand up for yourself.  If it helps, invite a friend over who will be there to referee.  Moral support from a neutral 3rd party can often be quite helpful.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2008, 02:52:02 AM »
haha, you must be psychic!

i called a friend tonight to have him stay over and i have another friend slated for wednesday. i don't need a referee and i am totally decked out in doormat.

captain save a ho is not going to the rescue. and, for the record, they havent all been hoes. (just all the ones post high school). oh, wait, im a ho!

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2008, 06:15:58 PM »
Not judging you but all I can say is DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN. Honestly, you need to kick dude to the curb with the quickness because it seems to me he is dragging you down with him. Fucking off at work, that doesn't seem like you at all. And you know you can do bad by yourself, you don't need help. it seems you have more drama than a Jerry Springer episode. You need to drop that zero honey because it seems like he's played this game before with others.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,762
Re: have i failed?
« Reply #14 on: December 20, 2008, 04:13:05 PM »
for real queen. it is in the works. he hasn't been staying here as much and we are definitely looking for other places for him to stay. in january the sober living facilities open up again and he wants to live there. the other night i didn't run out and rescue him (captain save a ho took a break) and he ended up sleeping outside.

ur right, the situation has definitely not improved. shit has been taken care of at my job. and i would definitely be happier if he weren't around at this point in time. i need to hang that dang cape up.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5

 


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