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Author Topic: Feel helpless and alone  (Read 1818 times)

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Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Feel helpless and alone
« on: December 11, 2008, 12:03:37 AM »
I have started meds more than two months ago, but the problem is just after my birthday in september my father was diagnosed with Asbestos Cancer on the lungs, so here I was just starting meds a relationship that is beyond repair, a father diagnosed with cancer, a grandmother who had a stroke at the age of 79 and the feeling of being rejected by my partner and up to this morning I was fighting to make the relationship work but I can't it is taking to much out of me at this point and time so I am giving up on my parner and wishing him all the best with his life and his future, this is who I am can't wish someone ill health or bad karma as it ii not right so I will walk away with my head high.

On monday the 8th my father started his first chemo treatment and all went well so being the son I can be, the chaplain I trained to be, and you try to be of support and use words of encouragement to uplift all family members. So last night when I got to my folks house and dad walks in saying that he hurts and we all know it is because of the Chemo therapy he had on monday and I was trying my best to warn them that this will happen on monday now dad is panicing about this and as he went to take a bath, I sat with mom holding her being her support and it is getting to her as they are married 42 years going on 43 next year July.

So as I left to go to my support group, we meet once a month, and on the way there I broke down in tears, thank God I am no crossdresser if I had to be I would look like a raccoon, eyes all smudged and runny. Got home cried a bit more and even this morning on my way to work the tears just flowed as if there are no ends to one's tears in this world. I know I am supportive to my family but at the same time I feel so helpless and alone.
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline Rural_oz

  • Member
  • Posts: 47
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2008, 12:33:32 AM »
Hiya Angel.  Helpless, no I don't believe that.  You wouldn't be here if you were, you would have packed it in years ago.  You're having a bad run.  It happens.  We all have times that sitting down and having a good cry is perfectly acceptable, and for you this is one of them.  Remember that the sun will come up tomorrow, take it easy on yourself and be kind to yourself.  And be sad if you want to.

Walking away with your head held high is the best way to walk mate....

Alone.  No, I'm here .    :-*


Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2008, 12:41:20 AM »
Rural,

Thank you it is just today the tears is like a running river usually after a good cry I am ok. I so just want to take the pain away from my family. My ex and I were so good but at A time I so need him has he chosen gaydar over me and not to be there. Today is a day that I just want to be held and be assured that all will be ok. I don't hate him I feel sorry for him I really do. It is his loss not mine because I know he will not find another person that will be 100% true to him as I have been.

Thank you hugs to you :-*
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Offline onelove79

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2008, 12:55:09 AM »
Angel,
Sorry to hear about your father diagnosis. Continue to provide the strength and support as needed because dealing with cancer and chemotherapy are both difficult. Just maintain a strong bond with family because in life, we may never know what is in store for us the following day. Allow your Ex to go. Dont chase after him because if he cares in the first place, he would still be there to provide you with a tower of emotional support and strength.

Look after yourself, treat yourself and appreciate life in many more ways and forms . You are not alone.. 

Online GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,030
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2008, 09:58:19 AM »
Very sorry to hear your father is battling cancer. I know you want to be supportive but it is very easy to burn out. When you burn out you are not able to help anyone. Please take the time to do things to take care of yourself: talk to friends, go see a movie, take a walk... whatever makes you feel relaxed and takes you out of the role of provider. I'm wishing you and your family strength and good health.

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2008, 01:17:25 PM »
Ronnie,

You've carried so much on your shoulders, it's no wonder you finally broke down and cried. Crying is the best therapy ever! I am so deeply sorry about your father and as far as your relationship, well, a break up is never easy to go through but always know that you have people here who care about you and are more than willing to lend an ear or have a shoulder for you to cry on....anytime. You have my email, don't ever feel reluctant to use it.  :)

Sending you nothing but well wishes and positive thoughts.
Take care my friend... :-*

Mark
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline Steinway

  • Member
  • Posts: 60
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2008, 11:40:19 PM »
Hello Angle,  Fallen?  I find that hard to believe.
   This is one great reason why I love this site.  It's here for so many reasons, but the biggest thing I love about it is it allows us to talk to each other about everything, including some of the hardest things that anyone could ever deal with.
   I'm so sorry to hear about your father.  I hate cancer with a passion, more so that Hiv.   It is just a horrible disease and chemo seems almost barbaric to me, yet in some cases it saves a life.  Both of my parents have had some form of cancer.  My father had prostate cancer and my mother get skin cancer.  Both are alive and well, but have to monitor their bodies.  I also have a sister that has gone through hell and then some.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and then after one surgery they found cancer in her lymphnodes.  She ended up having four surgeries followed by chemo, and radiation.  At this point she is cancer free, but she takes a pill called Tamoxifen daily and gets a shot once a month I believe to hold back estrogen as that is what they believe is feeding her cancer.
    Like I said, I hate cancer.  The good news is that in many cases it can be treated and in even some cases it goes away as quickly as it appears. 
   As far as your relationship with you ex boyfriend.  It's so hard to realize that someone that we love so dearly and in so many ways can be a bad influence on our hearts and souls.  I am guessing that you realized that you just loved yourself more than the drama that your ex was causing you.  I've been there myself.  Gone through a break up only to take him back in hopes that things will get better, then later realizing that the same games are being played again and your heart is being damaged again.  Not worth it in my opinion, but sometimes it's very hard to see, especially when we do love that person.  Sometimes I think crying is the best thing to do.  Running out into the world looking for sex as a comfort, or drugs, or alcohol, or whatever?   just really puts off the time we need to deal with these things.  It sounds like you are just dealing with it all.  Cry your heart out baby and tell us about it.   Let it all out.  I know I have.  I hate crying, but it's a great way to physically express what your heart is carrying.
     I hope your father is healed very soon.  There is a site that I am a member of called the Caring Bridge.  A girl that I went to college with is going through many cancer treatments and keeps a journal there.  When she is in the hospital her husband keeps up with it.  Any of her friends can write a note of encouragement of just say hello and also it keeps everyone informed.  It's free and a great, great site.  I only wish I had known about it a few years ago when my sister was going through the worst of it. 

www.caringbridge.org

Please let us know how you are doing.  If I were there I'd give you my shoulder to cry on.  I'll be thinking about you, Steinway
It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct. You must always have faith in people, and most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.
~E. Woods

Offline Angel-Ronnie

  • Member
  • Posts: 434
Re: Feel helpless and alone
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2008, 09:56:16 AM »
Guys thank you so much for your support it helps knowing I have so many people I can turn to vent and just open up to sharing what I am dealing with, usually when I feel down I turn to my Poetry but lately writing didn't help much I just cried for two days straight and last night had the most awesome meditation experience I ever had in tow years.

Today at work one of the P.A's at work looked at me and gave me the most incredible compliment she said it doesn't matter what i am faced with it is like I have this care free spirit and she envy me for it knowing what I am going through and still come to work and brightens up everyone elses day. I felt so good that people notice the small things I do for them be it a compliment, a smile or just a hi how are you doing, it made my day special made me feel wanted.

I am blessed and grateful for having people like you guys in my life to lift my spirit lift me, thank you, you are all fantastic, fabulous, God sent Angels that fill my life with joy and happiness.

Peace, light and all my LOVE
Bide the Wiccan law ye must,
In perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An' ye harm none, do what ye will.

What ye send forth comes back to thee,
so ever mind the Law of three,
follow this with mind and heart,
Merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

 


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